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Dad is 91. And if I ever show signs of being upset with him or being tired of ill my self he tells me he wishes he would die. I know it is to make me feel guilty but it is very hard to care for him at times when he acts that way. Because he is able to do some things for him self but won't.But if I insist he tells me that.

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tell him there are people living on the street with worse health problems than his and they dont afford medical care at all.. personal comfort is about all he has left. tend to his comfort needs..
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Is your father on meds for depression? If not, get him to a geriatric psychiatrist to see if, in part, this is what he is suffering from. If he doesn't have dementia and depression is being treated, if he said that, I'd walk away to another room and not come back till he apologized. I wouldn't engage with him at all. This is also probably a wakeup call to tell you that he'd be better off being cared for by professionals who would simply laugh gently when he said things like that, rather than being cut to the core by it.
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After having worked in healthcare for 20 years, I took care of both my parents till their demise at age 95... I could only do it, by considering them "as patients",
NOT AS PARENTS !!! I ACCOMPLISHED THAT OFTEN BY STANDING IN FRONT OF THEIR DOOR BEFORE ENTERING, TELLING MYSELF THEY ARE "PATIENTS" NOW !!! Both had severe health problems. Mother did @ times say "...wish I was dead.." ... My answer:..." then you would miss out on your beautiful great granddaughter ... she's coming over to see you this afternoon and we'd all miss you so..." Parents - even with diminished mental acuity, have feelings...and need to be told they would be missed....because they are loved..!!!. That statement they utter, which upsets you...is a question..."Do you still love me, even though I am cranky and old and need so much help...????? Geriatric Psychiatrists are not always covered by insurance... and often ends you up with feeding the parent medications that impose other side-effects...!! Try the personal route first... tell him you have to have a minute for something else you need to do... then take that minute to go play a game or 2 of Freecell on the computer...that game saved my sanity at times every day... because it completely occupies different braincells to complete that game, which is what is necessary to rest those braincells that have been coping with father's care... You walk away from the PC 10 minutes later, feeling able to cope again...It's like a mini-vacation...but it has to be a task that takes up your TOTAL concentration - that is different from the previous activity.- Then I would enter my Parents room with a positive smile and a joke... Caring for the very elderly needs more laughter, jokes, I even got my Dad 2 kittens, funny movies of the old kind... like ...comedians of the 50's and 60's...
and the grandkids came over often.... Depression can be combatted with loving moments.... without pills first... before you reach for the last resort of a Dr's help and medication... I did need them toward the end of father's life, as he was severely challenged with dementia.... and believe me the patient is aware of that condition in himself, and it does depress them to be in that shape.... I wish you God-Speed in your efforts !
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Hi - the others having given these good ideas, I'll comment as someone whose mother has said this to me throughout her adult history (she is borderline)... thus I've had a lot of time to think about it. :) 1) When he says this, it is true for him, there's a factual plainness about this you could just leave alone. 2) It is his own existential struggle at that time, it's his to handle - you can tell him it would be polite to keep it to himself, there nothing you can do about it. We too may one day wish the good lord would just come & take us :) so we can't overly connect with anyone else's. It sounds like you are doing a marvelous job, just keep it up. When this situation happens, tell him that how you feel has nothing to do with him, they're your own 'tired' or 'sick' and that is that!
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DHiBE I think you have given the perfect answer. As for me instead of being able to give a helpful answer this time you have given me one. My mother has alshiemers and says she wishes she would just die or that she wished she had something to kill herself with. The alshiemers has nothing to do with her saying that as I have heard it all my life.I have always said that when God says it is your time he will take you. Now for the first time I realize that she needed to be told we love her more so than the normal person does.I recently found out things that happened to her when she was young that caused her to be this way. Bottom line is I guess we don't know how they feel it is how we react to what they say.Everytime I come back from the nursing home I do games on the computor to empty my mind It really does help. (that and screaming outloud when no one is around).
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When my MIL would say, "why don't they just bring the box?" I would say, 'because you can't CLIMB in you have to be gently, and lovingly placed in. So you have to wait your turn."
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What's hooking you is "I know he's doing it to make me feel guilty". Sure, maybe it happens whenever he doesn't get his way, but that still doesn't mean it has anything to do with you: he no longer has the power to make things go his way, himself, and that's the most frustrating thing in the words; plus he's dependent on others and vulnerable to others, and that's h*** for anyone and particularly for a man of his generation. You don't have anything to feel guilty about, AND he has reasons to feel like s--t AND it would be nicer if he didn't talk like that AND you can sympathize that he has those thoughts. Just reflect: Nod and say, "Yeah, life is rough sometimes, isn't it?" -- "Sounds like it's frustrating to have to wait for things/not be in charge anymore" -- quote Bette Davis "Old age is not for sissies" -- like that. I agree with DHiBE too, and just want to point out that sympathetic reflection IS loving. It doesn't try to talk someone out of their feelings.
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My mother did this, a few months after Dad died, and I promptly made an appointment for her with a psychiatrist. She took medication for a while and was okay. Perhaps part of the reason she stopped saying she wanted to die was that I took it seriously. A person making such statements could be a danger to themselves and others.
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What it boils down to is assessing whether the comment is casual and habitual versus serious. Psychiatrists ask if anyone else in the family has suicided or if there have been prior attempts, and if the person has a specific plan on how they would do it if they could, etc. If this line of commentary is really out of character and there is nothing they enjoy now even though they could and did enjoy it, if sleep and appetite are disturbed, it would also make depression requiring medication a more likely consideration. But, it is also very normal for people to say this and think this when life gets tough. Think it through and either handle it with more enjoyable activity and reassurance of love, and/or a more in-depth evaluation. Don't take it personally, even if you think it is outright manipulative - because if it is manipulative, it is also desperate, an attempt to get some kind of strokes from someone.
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Ironic isn't it?... sometimes it's the other way around...
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My 92 year old mother is constantly saying the same thing about dying, not being around much longer, etc, and is having behavior that seems to make it impossible for me to feel loving towards her. For my own sanity, I have found mentally detaching from her to be helpful for me and also for her: she needs to have that existential discussion with herself. She has avoided things all her life: She did everything (including physical abuse of others) to avoid accepting herself. I have noticed that my emotional withdrawal from her is helping her face her difficult homework. I just listen. One can't do otherwise: she babbles on without a chance of interaction anyways! It's interesting: you can hear all her guilt and self constructed stories about all those she hurt. Indeed, if I were her, and had to face the damage she has caused in our family, I too would be dying of guilt!

The highest road I am trying to take is to simply be present: as often as I can stand it. I help her empower herself by finding others to help her when I can't. I am no longer responding to her guilt bait. No longer defensive. I just listen and when she really goes over the line-mean, I say, "excuse me..." and draw the line in the sand, or leave if I can.

I do think that there is a natural inevitable withdrawal from life at the end...and I don't think it is a bad thing. Seems to be part of the big plan of life. If you are lucky to live long, you will be lucky enough to decide you had enough. But you still have to wait for the Divine Director to usher you off the stage!
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How grateful I am for being able to have this discussion with you guys! We never talked about anything important in our family!
I also want to add, I think that us hearing the parent NOT ask the following thoughts is important. We DO need to give them the message somehow that addresses their concerns that come out of them upside down and sidesways. They seem to be asking, "Do you love me? Will it make a difference if i die or not? Was my life a success? What did I accomplish? Wasn't I a good parent?"

What makes it so hard for me is that all the while mom is getting meaner and harder to love!
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The more I think about it though, NO ONE can really answer those questions. Everyone has to find those answers within themselves. Words that try to assure are really hollow if there is no truth in it. The true questions that plague the dying is, "how did I do? Was I loving? Do I love and accept myself? Do I have a good relationship with my spirit? Do I trust in the cycles of life and death?" People have their own set of questions and truths they must answer. I don't believe anymore that anything I say to my mother makes a hill of beans of difference to her. I think she knows deep down that it is she that has to answer what is "killing" her to realize.
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It is understandable that you find it difficult being a caregiver for your Dad. Have you tried a hug and a kiss at least once a day?
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I think the way this statement is said determines how to handle it. My MIL passed away last summer at 93. She had a masters degree, rare for a woman her age. She taught home ec all of her adult life until retirement at 65, then went on to organize many things at her church, care for her husband, travel and live a full life. At 87 she lost my FIL. Then she was forced by her own declining health to move from her home of 60 years, She broke her hip twice and ended up in a wheel chair. Lost her sense of taste over time, was relegated to a nursing home full of Alzheimer's patients and suffered from 'old age' - UTI's, depression, pain. She was not always the most positive person - that was her nature - but when she became in her mind truly without purpose as well as never feeling well, she was ready to die. She would often say she felt she was 'pounding sand down a rat hole'. As much as we reminded her of how full her life had been, how much she gave to others, etc. she - very REALISTICALLY - saw that she wasn't doing that anymore. She did not want to go on like this and wondered why she was still alive. Since we are a family of faith, all I could tell her is that every day God had a purpose for her and He wasn't done with her yet. I told her that no matter how little SHE might feel she brought to the table sometimes, she never knew what a difference her presence might make to someone else. As a woman who has had my own career that was abruptly ended when a disability curtailed my ability to continue with it, I could understand that no one likes having to slow down or to be what in their own minds is useless. And rather than tell someone who is truly feeling that way that their feelings aren't valid, I think it helps to say 'yes, I can imagine why you might feel like that'. Toward the end of my MIL's life, we talked about her being ready to be 'out of this world'. I said to her that leaving this world and entering into whatever God has planned for us is a natural part of life, just as birth is. I think she very much appreciated not being dismissed or demeaned; just that validation and empathy made her cut it out! Sometimes I think we fail to get that none of us is getting out of here alive! If your dad is using this statement to make you feel bad, shame on him, but you can still say simply 'yes, I guess I can understand why you might feel like that' and go on. Don't give him anymore time to unload on you but do validate him.
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I give hugs and a kiss on the cheek to my Mom but she is like kissing a stone wall. She has enshrouded herself in her own negativity and it seems like nothing can penetrate it.
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It's easy to understand why some feel he is manipulating you. I certainly felt that way when my loved one said the same thing. It was hard because I had recently lost my mother after she fought to live as long as she could. Why was she gone and one who wished to die still here? One day, after he said it again, I held his hand and looked him in the eye and said, "It's not your time yet. When it is we will both know. Until then I want yo uto know that I will be here with you and thank God for every moment, no matter how hard it is." He didn't say a word. He patted my hand and sighed. He blinked back tears that never had a chance to fall and patted my hand again. He never said those words again. I believe he was afraid to die and was trying hard to hide it. Let us not assume the worst, even when they are behaving badly. Who would not be at least a bit afraind at this time. My heart goes out to you and so do my prayers.
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I'm not sure that I am ready right now to comment, but will give it a try.

I am 90 years old with a 90 year old husband. We have been married just over 70 years and have had a usual life with ups and downs and with four great children. My husband has vascular dementia. He can barely walk from spinal difficulties. We have his BP under control and he seems to have beaten CHF or it is under control without specific medication. My discussions with our FP indicate that nothing can be done to improve any of his problems. Of course he is severely depressed. I am his 'only' caregiver at this time and have a large property to care for, still mowing and removing snow from a 400 ft driveway, and enjoy doing that.

I understand his depression and am trying to avoid that myself and indeed Freecell has been a Godsend here - I have played thousands of times (can't get above 75% any more - used to be hovering around 92% - must be old age). But I digress..

My big problem is that he does not think that I am his wife - that the Army has sent me here to cook his supper every night, etc., etc. I find him crying over a long ago photo of us together with the comment that he wishes she would come back and is aghast when I say that is me in my outfit at his sister's wedding, etc.. Over and over on a daily basis we do this.

He does not believe any of the kids' declarations that I am indeed his wife and their mother. It is just horrible for him. The only thing that works is some humor and many hugs and declarations of my devotion to care for him until the Lord calls him. My biggest problem is the effort to keep an upbeat peace of mind and still laugh off the frequent changes of underwear due to his lack of control. I am thankful for Immmodium and panti-liners. Our mainstay...

It is so sad that he knows that he is losing it and feels useless. He is not interested in going to church though the pastor has been here several times. We are thankful for our special pet, Marley, a lovable, playful black Lab and our children who are here when needed - at wit's end, sometimes. We built our retirement home in a beautiful spot with good neighbors who rush to help if called - tho I am unusually independent to a fault, sometimes..

There, I did it and will submit. Any helpful advice is gratefully received. Thanks for reading this.. L
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Bobbi's answer was good, and shows understanding and empathy, as well as Frustrated's answer about "validation" being a good one. I feel that people who talk about "wishing they would die, and the world would be a better place without them" aren't saying those things to punish others, but actually feel so negatively about themselves (whether it is pain, or helplessness, hopelessness, awareness of how little they have to give to others at this point in their lives, and how much they sap from others. Who wouldn't think that they are just taking up space, and for what reason?? To respond to these people with anger is not helpful. I realize it causes feelings of anger and frustration to be at the receiving end of such behavior. I not only care for my Mother with dementia 24/7, but I have a daughter who has a personality disorder and fights for her life with a drug addiction. She goes through a life of h***, really, battling quitting, then relapsing. All efforts to help have so far failed, but I'll never abandon her or lose hope that one day she'll succeed. Often I hear the talk of wishing death, to ease the suffering. Compassion, understanding, love, and validation is a small amount of comfort to these souls that live a life of torture in many ways. Reminding them that there will be a brighter day tomorrow, (even if it is a comment about someone coming for a visit, or the weather is going to be sunny and we'll go for a nice walk, or whatever small thing it could be that may bring a moment of happiness or joy to the person. They are angry at themselves, because they are hopeless and useless. They don't need reciprocal anger from the ones who help them. They just need kindness and understanding. There's no miraculous thing to change it, that's for sure. :- (
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My mother is in an assisted living residence now as her medications were not being taken right and caused many severe problems for her and I both. The facility is a great one as of course they regulate thet meds and even more than that, when she gets depressed or feeling sorry for herself she does look around her and sees so many much worse off than her, she is 93 and can motivate as she wishes with her walker, many of course are wheelchair bound and need help with everything. I just remind often how good she is doing and I believe it does give her a more positive outlook. Good luck with that and hope you can do the same..
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Gigi 11 kind of said what I would tell you . However, I would add, maybe he wishes to go home to GOD. I have lost 2 of my children, well they both were young woman. My oldest daughter came to me , so many times , & asked for her meds which I oversaw for I am an R.N. & finally got involved in her care. WE talked a lot about her quality of life-she was disabled-severely. My Minister told me that when the time presented for me to give her, her own meds, I would know & it did-just 5 years ago & 19 days. I knew when I handed her the bottle of Morphine, I would never see her again, alive & so it was. She died with in 30 some hours. She is no longer in pain, lives no longer in bed, she sores HIGH with HER GOD & her sister who died 15 months to the day after she did.

I have no answers-I have what I have lived & in over 40+ years of nursing, I have never seen another person in as much pain as Kim lived in. I have no regrets. I so miss her body & remember what my dads always said, "When we cry for the dead, we really cry for ourselves for they are ONE WITH GOD ",....I don't cry very often any more-occasionally. Now I care for my husband who suffers from Solvent Dementia. Keeps me jumping...Blessings are all about you-LOOK...SEE....I pray a lot. I play my guitar a lot.
The best of luck-get him checked out by a shrink, or his primary care physician. He too can prescribe a med, if that is the way to go-let the physician decide.
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Nana would say "Next year I'mma not here" hinting at her demise. She said that for twenty years. I would tell her "Se vuole Lo Signore" (If god wants), a phrase that reminded her that if God wants it, she will go, and if not, He has work for her to do here. She talked to God every morning, prayers and invocations before breakfast, to find the plan for the day.
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My father said that the last month before his death. He was going downhill. Couldn't swallow his food or drink. Had to be helped to the bathroom and he didn't want to live like that or be a burden. And he missed mom terribly. I told him that God would take him when the time was right. He is finally at peace now but the sorrow is great.
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I think many times it depends on the character of the person it is coming from, and also whether or not dementia or some ailment is factoring in.
Me? My mom is somewhat of a narcissist (pointed out by someone on the board here..) and something like that would definitely be a manipulation.
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When I get that comment from my 91 yr. old Mom , it is usually after one kind of frustration or another . I usually just say, " Really? Sorry you feel that way but today's not the day! Maybe tomorrow you'll feel better?"
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Having just lost both of my parents within 2 1/2 months of each other, this one hits close to home. My dad always wanted to "go home to be with the Lord"...I think it is an understandable comment after having one's body betray them. I would just give them a hug......as i did my dad...and say well I am glad you are here..i still need you..When it is their time..it will come..and too soon. I have discovered that no matter how old you or your parents are, it is still a blow..just awful. To those of you who are caregivers as i was, you will have NO regrets and that is comforting
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Cathy24 - 10hrs ago - That's a clever answer that will shut up the one who wants to die.... but I feel it's also a bit of a put-down... The last thing old folks need are remarks that make them feel disrespected or foolish.... or useless... Just saying something like " I would miss you " or " think of all you have accomplished in your life " Then mention some of these things, such as "... look at my brother, is he not a great person?" -- " we'd miss you so much "... Then bring her- her favorite cookie and sit down next to her for a minute !!...She would most likely want to give you a hug then.... something she was asking for in the first place...!! ... More Love !!!
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I would answer much the way I answer a lot of questions or statements from my clients. I would repeat what was said, back to them. "You wish you'd die and get out of this world. Is that what you're feeling?" Hearing it said back can be a bit of a surprise. Say it gently, with good eye contact. I had a client say that very thing to me one day. Of course, he wasn't my family member. But I was the recipient of the statement anyway. I just sighed and said "Well, I don't wish that for you." And he smiled.
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My mom has said this many, many times throughout her life. So much so that I made it a condition for her coming to live with us that she could not ever say that again because I just can't deal with it any more. However, she still says it, but I am used to it. I also have learned that it is not always manipulation, sometimes it is but sometimes if is because she just feels like such a burden on me and like she is just in the way here and she has no other choice but be here. She has no other options at all and she feels stuck here in a place where she is uncomfortable. Not because we have made her feel that way but because it is common sense that she is intruding on our lives and she hates it. It is what it is and I just have to tell her that she is not in the way and that we love here and want her here.
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My mother has done the same thing for years! With her it happens just as you said, if there has been an argument or something upsetting. We use to say, "Oh Mom don't say things, like that. There are people dying every single day that would give anything to have another day!" Then we changed it to "Well when God is ready for you he will call you home." I hear my sister the other day say to her, "Yes Mom I know that is how you feel, you tell us all the time!" Funny how those statements change. My mother is bored to death, but try to get her to do something....she won't....she refuses to leave the house!
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