I am 42, my father is 81 and my mother is 78. Eight or nine years ago they did what a lot of seniors do after working hard all their life, they decided to move to another area. They lived in the DC area for over 50 years and decided to go down to North Carolina. They moved to a town that a church couple they knew had moved to, figuring these were their friends and this would be an enjoyable time. My parents bought a new construction home, moved down, and proceeded to pal around with this couple basically eating out and shopping, and going to church. Well a few years into the new move, the wife of the couple died. Of course the friendship between my parents and this couple went away as well. My mother and the lady were the real friends in this situation. To get to the point, after this occurred my father started to show obvious signs of dementia, forgetfulness and unable to string together sentences. My parents moved five hours away so of course my siblings and I only knew partially what was going on. Typical of many parents, my mother wasn't very open. Well now obviously things have worsened with my father. He is basically a shell of himself. He can eat and talk and walk, but he's out of it. He does remember his wife and children thankfully, but he is incontinent, talks out of his head 99% of the time and early in the mornings and in the evenings wanders through their house in another world. He has diabetes and other chronic health issues, and my mother battles daily to give his insulin, and he refuses to take other medication. My husband and I travel down there maybe 3 or 4 times a year and it's getting to be a miserable experience. I hate going down there now. One sibling has three children, job struggles, and never goes down. He has his constant excuses for why, and I am learning that this is just the way some siblings are and it's a waste of time being frustrated. My other sibling has basically been the problem child all his life, won't keep a job, currently staying with a friend, so basically homeless. If my parents were still in the area he would be living with them. I guess I want to express that I want to be there for my parents. I have gone back and forth about moving where they are. But I don't want to throw my own life in an upheaval. I struggle with emotional problems, have just lost my job, and have a husband (no children) who I don't want to stress out any more than I already have. I am angry with my parents for moving so far away, to a place with no family, no one who would truly look out for them. They bought this huge house which is now unmanageable. Sometimes when I am talking to my mother I want to yell at her that they need to move back but I know she is under so much strain and don't want to do that to her. But I am truly stressed out right now. One of my fears is my mother will get sick, or pass away before my father. Then what?!?
I can't run up and down the road looking after them. I know I would break down. I don't know what to do.
I guess I am looking for moral support. Thank you.
If not, as JoAnn said...you will need to have a "come to Jesus" discussion with your mom. You need to have her understand that even IF you choose to come down once a month for a week at a time, that leaves mom with 40 other weeks to have to figure out the care for dad. She needs to be told that, heartbreaking as it is to admit, you dad is not going to improve; his care needs will continue to grow and grow, likely outgrowing the care your mom will be physically, mentally and emotionally able to give.
Something like "mom, what's your long term plan for dad? What if he forgets who you are? What if he starts to wander? Becomes violent? What are your plans for when the time comes that he CAN'T be left alone, and you need to leave the house to run errands or attend to your own health? What is your plan in the event YOU get sick and can't take care of him? Even if I'm here 12 weeks out of the year, what are you going to do the rest of the time?" Sometimes, caregivers become so enmeshed in the minutia of the day to day chores they never stop and consider the bigger picture or the future; then when it's suddenly upon them, they have no plans in place and a bad situation becomes exponentially worse.
It's a very tough position you are in. The one solution that your mom has to be made aware of, however, is that YOU are NOT going to uproot yourself and your husband and move to them to become their caregiver. Clearly by what you wrote, even the thought of it fills you with resentment; actually moving there would be infinitely worse for everyone, including dad, because as much as you might try and hide it, your resentment will spill through and poison all of your relationships: your relationship with your spouse, parents and siblings. And that doesn't make you a bad daughter in any way, shape or form, so don't allow guilt to make a bad decision for you.
Good luck!
You need to give her choices and then you telling what you are willing to do. We did this with MIL who was 2 days drive away. She came up and toured apts and trailer parks after FIL passed. She chose to remain in Fla. I had my Mom, who was now a widow and had her friends and Church. I was not leaving her or moving her. I ended up telling MIL this and she stopped asking DH to move down there. I don't think he ever considered it. My MIL lived on her own until the age of 91. She had her circle of friends. None of her 3 boys moved close to her.
We also moved away and I moved my mother to be near us. In our case it was a move from NY to SC. I have not regretted that move at all. I am an only child. In many situations with siblings there is one offspring who feels as though they are an only child.
It would seem that with the sale of your parents home there would be money for AL. Of course I don't know their financial situation but with all you describe I think you all might benefit with your father being cared for in the right facility close to you. I know it is much easier for me to get to my my mother physically more often.
Perhaps you can come back and tell us more and if this is something you can consider.