Needing some advice, on how to create a professional contract with a caregiver in addition to confronting some unprofessionalism on an otherwise good worker.
I see often on the forum that caregivers are difficult to find, so I’m torn with what I’m experiencing.
I hired a caregiver through an agency to assist with my younger brother who is disabled. My mom experienced a rapid onset of dementia early this year and some emergency hospital/rehab stays, which made this necessary.
My 2 other brothers and I are in our 30s and I am currently 9 months pregnant. None of us are truly in the stage of life to be handling this. I am POA, and I’ve had to take the brunt of everything for the last 9 months leaving little time prepare for my baby.
One brother lives in another state ( does nothing), and the other one does the bare minimum, often leaving things unfinished for me to handle, and still leeches off of my mom financially.
With some extensive hard work on my end , My disabled brother is set to go into a group home in a few weeks, it is the best option for him since my mom is quickly on the decline.
The caregiver reached out to me In early October and said that she would be interested in helping my mom as an independent contractor , once my brother moves.
Originally, This seemed like a godsend, because I have been handling all my mom‘s needs, and needed a plan in place for when the baby comes.
On the good side, the caregiver is kind to my mom and brother, she is upbeat, seems to be handling the tasks pretty well, and Keeps the schedule fine.
She also has a lot of experience, and I noticed a lift in their mood since she started working with them.
However, over time, I’ve noticed this caregiver overstepping and crossing some boundaries with me.
She’s recently made comments on how “bored” my brother and mom are and expresses how “bad she feels for them” when I’m barely hanging on with their extreme needs, putting my whole life aside ,and getting nothing done for myself. Currently, they live in a huge house, have people cooking, cleaning, waiting on them, and don’t have to worry about a thing despite their health.
She’ll talk openly about how “messy” my mom is ( nothing knew and part of her job to clean), and talks ( in front of her ) about how she’s like a “cute little child”. This is hard because my mom was a fully functioning person in February. On top of everything I am grieving the rapid loss of my mom as I’m becoming a mom.
Yesterday, as I am picking my mom up for and errand after a stressful three hour appointment with her financial advisor, The caregiver proceeds to tell me how my younger (disabled) brother ( who I have done everything in my power to help, when no one else would) and my older brother refer to me as a “Hiltler”. Then in the same breath, she proceeded to ask me how much weight I’ve gained in my pregnancy.
???
I calmly brushed off the comments but they were infuriating.
Backstory- my relationships w/ my brothers have never been solid. They are entitled, dependent, and treated my mom like a servant until she started experiencing issues.
They tend to bite the hand that feeds them, and are unthankful. God for bid, any female stands up to them for anything, and they’re called a “b!tch”.
I already know who they are and how they feel about me. However, because of the toll this ordeal has taken on me personally, I was hurt and infuriated . I have done everything. In addition to that no one in my family even acknowledges that I’m this pregnant and I’m simply not able to keep the pace up anymore. I’m actually supposed to be quarantining right now but instead I’m tying up loose ends so my family is safe.
The caregiver is not the cause of my family dynamic, however I feel her comments are out of bounds, unwarranted, and very insensitive.
The problem is not her work, but her meddling in my already dysfunctional family.
Need advice , can’t lose her this late in my pregnancy.
Also a resource on creating a professional contract
Secondly, your caregiver’s remarks sound like statements that you are interpreting as criticism of yourself. Your caregiver has a big mouth but she’s also involved enough with your mother and brother to have an opinion. If she told you that your nickname is Hitler, she’s either trying to ally herself with you and is stupid enough to repeat what your mother and brother (or absent brothers) have told her, likes to sow divisions (in which case you will have to fire her eventually) or she is telling you that she shares their view of how you manage things. She may also be trying to constantly keep you off balance in order to gain control of your mother’s household or saying thing’s she believes your mother snd brother would say if they had the courage. It could also be possible that the two of you are more alike than you’d care to admit.
You have already committed to keeping her because you need her and whatever she is doing is making the household more upbeat, so I suggest that, whenever she makes one of her remarks, say, “What would you do about it if you were me,” and see what she says. If you like her answer, tell her to go ahead and try it and if you don’t, tell her why you don’t like it and what she is to do instead. It won’t be long before your caregiver knows who’s boss and starts showing you more respect, but she will also feel included in helping to make care decisions. In the meantime, you might need to ask yourself whether you are regularly overly bossy, entitled or rushed, and if you are, try not to be as dictatorial as I suspect you might be. Your absent brothers’ sexism may be exacerbated your own feminism coupled with jealousy about your superior financial resources, successful partnership with a capable spouse or your own professional success and earned income. Coming from a family of sexist men myself, I can tell you these “boys” will never change snd it isn’t worth your while to worry about because they may continue to belittle and criticize you until the end of days. You can probably thank your father for that even though you may have been your father’s favorite and are much smarter and more in control of your own life than your mother or any of your siblings. Male siblings typically have a very hard time psychologically with a sister who is a lot smarter, more decisive, wealthier, more competent, and/or professionally successful than they are but they will still expect you to take charge of any task or event they can’t cope with. They may spend a lifetime waiting for you to fall or fail. They really aren’t worth worrying about and I think you know it.
Correction, my mom has not joined in on the name-calling. my mom has been very thankful for everything I’ve done . My brothers tend to take advantage Of my mom, and if you have to put them in their place for causing additional problems such as my older brother getting upset at me because I had to stop payments my mom was making for all of his bills ($500 each month- He’s 39 years old). He also got upset at me because I told him not to take cash out of the stash that was left for the caregiver to help with my brothers expenses . It’s pretty complex, so basically I’ve had to stop some bad behavior where my brother has been taking advantage of my mom, And undoing things that I’ve had to do to help her, and also not helping with the little tasks that are assigned to him . Also, being pregnant I can’t be in 2 places at once so if I ask my brother for help such as filling my younger brothers medication and he decides he doesn’t want to do that, I have to drive 45 minutes to go do that for him so he doesn’t have a seizure . That can be difficult when I have to have three hour meetings with financial advisors and spent hours on the phone trying to fix some issues my mom had with her bills because she stopped paying them. Also being on the phone with doctors trying to explain all of her symptoms, and be at the hospital throughout all the emergencies means I need an extra hand and I can’t do it all. I also run my own business, and my older brother is an Uber driver.
so no, the caregiver does not have enough of an opinion because she works 16 hours a week, and it’s only been for about two months.
she was somewhat of an emergency placement, so she has no idea of the background of this family. I see her comments more is stirring the pot And taking everything at face value when she sees me running around nine months pregnant handling everything . I’m there multiple times a week. It’s possible she needs a little more background on this family, however she shouldn’t be saying things like that anyways. I try to look at people as genuinely good, but I don’t understand the motive but your perspective is interesting.
my mom was treated like a slave by my father and then my brothers started treating her that way too.
My younger brother, is a completely different set of needs that I had to take on. Working with the state of Illinois to get proper funding so that my brother has a security feature has also been on top of this. Talking to people to state is not easy. All this is simply to make sure that nothing happens to him if my mom declines further because she stopped taking care of him. It’s been hard to make him understand how much energy goes into that and the reason everything is shut down for Covid. This makes him angry, however a lot of things make him angry.
so if you’re wondering if my disabled brother quote “has the courage“ he has more than enough courage to call someone a name when he doesn’t get his way. before me he was calling my 74-year-old mother names because she couldn’t drive him all over the place with Covid shut down. I should mention he’s developmentally disabled. He’s easily influenced by people around him.
my husband and I worked with him for a few months to understand how it’s not OK to call people helping you names. it seemed to be working
So there’s definitely more to the story.
It appears that the majority of your concerns are with what the caregiver says to you. She has lost objectivity and drifted into sharing gossip or "opinions." It can happen when a person develops closer relationships and forgets that this is a professional relationship and not a "friendship."
Ask the agency about the caregiver's qualifications to handle your mother's medical problems before you talk to the current caregiver. If she is not qualified, talk with her agency about finding a person to care for mom and let the caregiver know when her services will no longer be needed. If she is qualified, you will need to have a meeting to address staying on to help your mother.
Write a letter of memorandum and cite specific conversations you have had and/or comments that have been distressing. Make an appointment to sit down with the caretaker to discuss her transition from caring from brother to caring for your mother. Let her know that you expect her to keep her "opinions" to herself but that you would appreciate her input regarding your mother's needs. Tell her that she will be on probation for _______ weeks. If you do not see improvement, you will forward the letter to her employer and ask for a replacement caregiver. Always, always, always end on a positive not - that you value her care for your brother and really look forward to having her care for your mom.
I love the professional opinions Regarding my mom’s actual care, and I’m always open to them. And I’ve done quite a bit encouraging her when she comes up with a good idea or some thing I may have overlooked such as a possible trip hazard. I think in the recent weeks is when I started to see more unprofessional meddling and opinions “ Seemingly” siding with my brothers outrageous behavior.
I didn’t know what to do, and talk to this forum to see if people had advice about handling it.
This is really good advice, I should probably just go through the agency for this. She supposed to contract independently for my mom, but she still employed through the agency because my brother has not moved out yet. Thank you.
You need to sit her down at once. You need to show her what you wrote here or show her a list of what is here, and you need to tell her that she is suffering from a loss of boundaries. That what she is doing is NOT OK and must NOT continue PERIOD. Say this in a kind man but say it strong and clear.
A) the Hitler comment. Absolutely inappropriate. It is driving a wedge. IF it was said she needed to tell them that it is inappropriate to say in her presence, and then she needs NOT to repeat it to you. She is being divisive in a struggling family.
B) You Mom is an elder worthy of at the LEAST the respect not to be referred to as a little child in the presence of her daughter.
C) She is not your friend. Discussion of your pregnancy is not on her plate. Weight or anything ELSE about it.
I could go on, but you got it. NOW I will suggest to you that you may have come to treat her with more familiarity than she can handle. This may have caused her to think she is more a "family member" here. She isn't. She works there and apparently does a FINE job and you already said how much you value that job.
Like you, I am torn. Frankly I am angry on your behalf. But I would want the excellent and loving care she can give.
Talk to her and make sure she understands it. Start to take a VERY PROFESSIONAL (only) manner with her. Apparently anything else muddies the waters for her.
I wish you good luck.How sad you are having to choose between an excellent worker who doesn't respect her position and an unknown whose care you cannot bank on at this trying time.
I couldn't wish you more luck.
She told me TMI around her own life too. I try to keep our conversations on track, in a polite way, And politely trying to brush off some of the odd “Trouble making” comments. I felt they’re increasingly getting out of wine so I am searching for advice about it. I felt they’re increasingly getting out of line so I am searching for advice about it her recent comments of made me realize she needs it spelled out, or put as an actual rule.
“Muddying” The waters is a really good way to put it, and it makes sense that someone may not know how to be one or the other.
But the repeating what your brothers say about you is a definite red line. I had a cousin that just loved to stir the pot. "Your sister says no one in the family really likes your husband." The second time she did that I stopped what I was doing and dialed my phone and said "Sister, cousin says you said this. Well, I don't know why she would make that up, do you? Would you like to speak with her? No? Ok I'll tell her." Then I told her my sister said she lied.
Her face! hahah. She never did it again- at least not to me. (and I didn't call the sister she was ratting out. I have a lot of sisters! haha)
I'd tell her in a cold voice that you never want to hear her repeat gossip from your family again. But you don't need the stress of looking for a new caregiver right now. I hope everything works out for you and calms down soon.
Congratulations on the baby!
This to me says it all. You are jeopardizing your own health and that of your baby.
I will suggest resigning your POA, and if you do anything further for your mother, demand payment. Let one of your brothers become the POA. Maybe the one who is out of state? My out-of-state brothers were out of state for my mother, and it worked out pretty well. (But they are trustworthy...is the brother who does nothing?)
Remember, your mother raised these boys to be the way they are. So let one of them take care of her needs. Please concentrate on yourself and your family. I don't know how much money she has, but I hope you are making sure she isn't doing anything with her money (the brother who is mooching money off her?) so that she can't become eligible for Medicaid down the road.
I don't want to see you down the road as one of the martyrs who is taking care of Mama 24/7/365, and harming your own family.
I also can't help but wonder if the fact that you are pregnant, maybe is making you a bit more sensitive about these things than you normally would be. Just a thought.
Please take care of yourself and your unborn baby. God bless you.
she also is 16 hours a week and not full-time.
I know this because I’m an independent contractor for my profession.
If you have issues with unprofessionalism, you need to address her employer, the agency, instead of doing it yourself.