My 74yo widowed mother has lived with us (my DH and older kids) for about 5 years. She has been hoarding and collecting things in her room since she got here. She first wouldn't deal with the downsize in her life. I tried to be gentle in understanding, but the last 2 years have been BAD. She keeps most of her random shopping to her room but it's gone to FOOD now. Canned goods, pantry staples, baking items. Not just a snack, but bags of rice, 6 bags of chocolate chips, gallons of cooking oil. We have plenty of room to store but she shops (with a neighbor friend who takes her while we are at work when we don't need or ask them to). I mention I don't understand why she feels the need to keep FOOD in her bedroom. She snaps at me, "Why do you CARE what I do? It's MY BUSINESS." Which is a stock answer every time I ask a question.
My siblings don't care to hear or support me with any issues that arise.
My girlfriend drove 6 hours to help me get things going as DH had to have hospice. She was well aware that I needed things tidied up for them to move around. she distracted me as she and daughter cleared my kitchen out. They’d get a box filled then my daughter would just drive to donations. She told friend that if she didn’t go right then, I’d be picking through the box. She’s right; I would have.
My DH graduated out of hospice. He’s in Heaven now. I’m trying to figure out my new path and trying to figure out how to go through things that I won’t use or need. I am keeping his pjs. They are roomy and comfy and warm. Nope, it’s not a fashion statement, but it doesn’t matter. Same goes with the oversized fleece shirts..warm n cozy..
dress pants and shirts I’ll donate.. along with shoes.
im still trying to grasp all that just happened..
I promised myself i would try to put things back where they belong and try to remove something daily, anything.. trash or donate.
My mom and aunt both had to be placed in a facility. I out them in a board and care, which are very limited to space..so that was very difficult.
I’m trying to think in that direction as the “What if “ scenarios are bouncing around in my head..
purge now so daughter doesn’t have to.
I reminded them of younger families who appreciate stuff - including the holiday decorations I observed stored on the 2 upper shelves in the laundry room. This observation was over a 3 year period. Never touched/used w/in that time frame.
I looked at these beautifully packed boxes yearning to pass them along to a young family. And, there I rested my case.
My spouse, brother and I packed up the stuff and visited some other rooms in the house. My brother visited the garage and found stuff Dad stopped using several years earlier. We had been observing those items over time as well. When my brother was able to visit between holidays, he'd pack a few more boxes. When he visited, he always asked visiting friends/neighbors if they knew someone who would use the items. Dad knew some young men interested in the tools - so he gifted many of them. We reminded him tools are desperately needed by others.
We had to ease them into this new family tradition. We were only able to do it because 1) We took preventive strategies while they could still decide/control for themselves 2) reminded them it was hard to clear property and locate recipients from 2,000 miles away 3) Reminded Mom she repeatedly told me she did not want to be a burden to any of her kids.
When items were offered up and someone accepted, I would send a Christmas/Thank you card that year. These neighbors always promised they would help. They offered up, we instantly agreed. They could take certain items that our parents were saving for we kids (3 of us). As before, all were in their right minds. Siblings and I gave them out contact information so when the moment unfolded, they could "barter" with our parents offers. Gifting or purchasing were OK. (It all was gifted).
I've since encountered others who insisted they would not get rid of anything. Well, I showed a couple families how to get rid of some items. If it's on the top shelf & not touched in several years - take the items out of the box, return the box to the same shelf position and quietly close shelves/doors. Put the stuff in your car and take it away. Same for closet and kitchen.
If it's stuff in a desk, bring a bunch of strong large rubber bands. Do a quick visual inspection, band together, and return to the same area of the desk. Usually the older the stuff is at the bottom of the mess, so the newest loose stuff can just be set back upon the banned items. Don't say you're banding the papers together unless they can appreciate some organization. If the banned items are later needed or wanted, they are still within reach. When it's really time to clean up, you'll know what stacks to keep/toss.
A neighbor recently gave me 2 giant bottles of unopened, expired, olive oil. I didn't initially want it but realized olive oil would be an excellent treatment for a lot of the outdoor stands/tables in need of an annual oil treatment! (Olive oil is wood oil so works great on the outdoor furniture).
It helps to harness any cooperation as soon as possible. I've helped a couple neighbor's families begin what one claims the "Swedish housekeeping".
I've actually known/witnessed the homes and habits of 2 older ladies who hoarded to the point of hazardous conditions. Intervention is so needed at an early stage, but we often don't realize until it's so out of control and a big fight for all. Their families had a tuff time dealing with it, but I gave them a little respite with setting up their own systems to move things up and out.