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Your dad is in total denial. He thinks hes 30 years younger than he really is. HES NOT. He thinks he can manage his life. HE CANT. He cant be on his own. No one is there for for wound care. He cant do it.
That sore is huge and your dad wants to smoke? Yikes.
How about home heath? A nurse round the clock? Or someone who can change the IV? That will cost a huge amount of $$$.
Take everything of value from the house. Check in daily with video. But that still isnt a good idea because you dont know these people.
I think your dad cant get out of bed. What is the point of being at home? What if he falls? No one is there. That ship of him being alone at home has sailed. Your past that point now. He needs way more help than someone can give from 100 miles away.
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Ah, he wants to smoke. Most rehabs allow patients to sign out and come and go for a certain time. Check into that and let him know he can go for a walk or out in his wheelchair away from the facility or someone can take him for a drive. He may go with rehab if he knows he will have more autonomy than he does in the hospital. If his reasons are simply that he wants the comfort of home, no one can stop him from going against medical advice. At least he is willing to hire help.

My father is the patient from hell with his denial the severity of medical issues. He believed they had him in rehab for the $$. I gave in and took dad to my home. Six months later, I feel the life drained out of me.

If your father does end up going home, you may need to call his bluff with him calling the shots to make him understand. If that's the case, he will be back in the hospital after a short time and should be compliant the second time around.

Go with your instinct. Don't let him put you in a position to lie or exaggerate.
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So now he tells me well doctor told me I can be an outpatient and go to the hospital 4 times a day. I told I don't think that is a good idea. Take the extra help to get better. Who knows but it's on him and the hospital if they go that way.
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cwillie Jan 2019
Did you mean to write 4X a week? If it is 4X daily he would barely be home before he's be going back again. Even at 4X weekly who does he think would be running him back and forth?
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Don’t take him home..this is a very serious wound. You don’t live there & neither does your brother. Don’t help him get home. Tell Hospital Social Worker you refuse to help & you live far away & you work full time. Then leave. Tell them they have to find a SNF & they will do the wound care. Hugs 🤗
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Great work, Smilebeth! Stick to your guns!
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smilebeth, "unsafe discharge" is an important phrase for you to use, should you ever have to go toe to toe with a difficult hospital discharge planner.
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Sounds like things are moving in the right direction.
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Case manager at Hospital called said something must be sinking in because I suggested looking in nursing/rehab and he agreed he even picked one out to look into. I told them that is wonderful. I backed off calling dad today because I want him to understand im not lying and these are his choices. I talked with my aunt and she is in agreement with me too. So it looks like it might work out! Fingers crossed he goes thru with it! I will call later and check on him.
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Hospital staff typically seems focused on getting the patient out-the-door ASAP. If you are there they will gladly roll the wheelchair out to your car and tell you just to take the person home and take care of them. And, if you are a daughter, then yes, the medical community expects you will sacrifice your job/career at the drop of a hat for an elderly parent. Keep your distance, your job, your sanity and have them find another solution.
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Girlsaylor Jan 2019
This exactly how the medical community operates!
stay strong, do not jeopardize your own job and bread and butter! Where will you be if you lose that job, can’t feed yourself?
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He got the wound because he doesn't have reliable help. It's been a issue for a long time. He has a program in Colorado he can hire/fire his own people and do the timesheets. I've talked to his case manager, your dad can make all the bad decisions he wants until court declares him incompetent. helped for years when i lived by him. I got married a moved away. He doesn't want to go to nursing home or anything. Just home. He doesn't want anyone telling him what to do. This is why he never likes to go to doctors or hospitals. But the wound was too bad to treat at home. Only because the wound nurse finally convinced him he needed to go he drove himself there. Modified falling apart van. I told him I can't be there on a regular time to do IV. That's ok he says we say you can then I can hire someone and fool the agency so they still come do the wound care. I talked with agency and if I bail and lie they wont help him but my dad is one of those what they don't know doesn't hurt them and stupid rules. I go by rules. So I didn't call him last night and he didn't call me. If He tricks them somehow it's not on me.
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rovana Jan 2019
Stick to your guns - you are making wise decisions. Lying could cause all kinds of problems, for you as well as for him.  Don't go there.
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Glad that you told the people the truth and didn't let dad make you lie to them. I agree with others that doing so could put you in a very bad place, if something were to go wrong. You can't take that risk.

I'm sure some rehabs are better than others but hopefully there is a good one near your dad and he can go there to finish recovering. I wonder if he's ready for rehab if he still has this big open wound? Seems like he still needs nursing care? Just curious - how did he get that big boo boo in the first place? Yikes, sounds scary.

Stand your ground and help him get the level of care that he needs at this point. Once he improves, it probably would be fine for him to go back home.
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Hold tight!  Don't tell any lies, no matter what grief dad gives you.  It could really get ugly for you.  And you don't need to endanger your job (in this uncertain economy) just because dad is acting like an entitled child. This is his problem, not yours.
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Thanks. I did tell the agency I live 100miles away and I can't be there 24/7. It's been suggested rehabnursing home he doesn't want anything to do with it, he has things to take care if at home, I've said if you don't get better you will die and won't have to worry about them. He tells me don't you think i know that. That is why I know what is best and that is to go home. You think I will get well in a rehab, but all They do is let you lie there. His friend went there and lived and died there. I said well when my grandma went in September it helped her get better. They did give him nicotine patch. I bought him some nicotine lozenges and nuts to help to have something to munch. I did tell the hospital case manager nobody is there at night. I didn't talk with him last night and he didn't call me. I'm sure he is mad that I didn't play the game right.
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You just say no, I cannot be there 24/7 as I live 100 miles away. The discharge people will have to find another way.

Dad may not like the other options, but tough beans. If you lie and tell the discharge people you will be there, you are making a commitment. If you bail on the commitment, you could be held accountable if it becomes know that you have not fulfilled your obligation.

You are not responsible for Dad.
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What a deliema you are in and poor dad. I can just imagine.
Has anyone said if he has MRSA?
Has it been long enough that he has passed through some of the withdrawal from the nicotine? Does his doctor know that he is a smoker? I wonder if he could get a nicotine patch or something like that to help ease his withdrawal?
He’s probably suffering from wanting to smoke more than from the wound.
You already know the answer. He needs to buck up and get this thing healed before he even thinks about going home with or without home health.
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No, no, no. Dad needs to go to rehab.

Tell the hospital he is being manipulative and you can not give up your livelihood to let him have his way.

Find a rehab that has smoking area, they know people have this addiction, heck, I see nurses and other workers smoking all the time.

He is being selfish asking you to risk elder neglect charges by lying.

Don't let anyone bully you into doing this.

Stay strong!
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