So I love my mother in law dearly but she is 4 months into grieving my father in law. She doesn't drive or speak good English. She was so used to taking care of her husband (he was 20yrs older) and cooking. She was basically a homemaker. She cries alot for him and I feel bad for her. I've on the other hand kinda feel like she is looking to my husband as her male figure. She has the need to take care of him, he opens the car door for her, walks into the stores with her. Things he used to do for me. She had a way of taking care of her house and to me it seems like she wants to take over my house. I do things a certain way, and without seeming to harsh, I tried to explain what I like done in my home. She told my husband that she is scared of me, and she will ask me if it's ok to take a shower. I clearly explained to her that she doesnt have to ask to take a shower or eat food we have or to do her laundry. She makes me feel like I treat her like a monster. I bought her puzzles, word searches, painting rocks, adult coloring books, to try to get her into a hobby. She double bagged them and put them in her closet. Me and my husband been arguing and I feel like it's putting a wedge in our relationship. Please, I need advice!
You are right. If she moves in, you will not be the number 1 woman of the house and from your description no the number 1 woman of your husband.
The book that I usually recommend for situations like this is titled, "When He's Married to Mom" It offers advice on how to win him back. I wish for you the best.
It sounds like your MIL is also trying to find her place in the new family dynamic. She is used to having her own house & being needed as you say, so may well focus that instinct onto your husband. Oh boy.
Is it possible for her to live nearby instead? Say a nice little apartment?
If not, I'm thinking a suite of rooms? Like a bedroom, small sitting room, bathroom. If space & $, some people build an extention.
A separate space she can be Queen. You obviously are Queen of the main house.
My Gran did the live with daughters thing for a time as didn't want Assisted Living. But such energy to fit into others' spaces, always being a guest really. When she did move into AL, it was her own little space. It was a better fit for her.
I'd say give it a go. Especially to get through the virus. Then take your DH out for dinner & discuss. How it IS working & how it is NOT. This is your house too & your life & you get a vote sister!
(A three person marriage is not a workable arrangement for most).
What sort of things?
Why do you think the gal needs a hobby???
She's lost the husband she spent her adult life waiting on. That was her hobby. She's missing it dreadfully. And it's only four months.
Set yourself a private deadline - end of the year, say. Something like that.
Put yourself in MIL's shoes. Think what would make you feel genuinely welcomed and cherished. Not colouring books or word searches. How about, being asked to demonstrate a recipe? Given respect for your experience. Having the pain you're in handled tenderly.
This will be a LOT easier if there is a definite limit to how long you have to keep it up. Of course you can't openly say to MIL (or DH, not just yet) "how long are you staying?" But you can start framing a schedule in your own mind, and shaping a plan for the end goal.
This lady needs to heal, so that she can then begin to look forward. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to make her healing process a really good experience for all of you.
Tiny example - instead of feeling miffed (who wouldn't?!) that DH opens the car door for MIL, open the car door for her yourself. Help her into her coat. Thank her for setting the table, even if you personally never do it her way. If you take control of these special little touches DH won't have to and it won't bug you so much.
This is a tough time in her life. She does seem helpful and she desires to feel needed.
Do you feel that she truly desires to be helpful or is it a ‘take over’ personality. Did you get along with her prior to her moving in?
She misses feeling needed. She cared deeply for her husband and that’s gone now.
If you can compromise and find something that is helpful so she will feel needed and her activity is something that may satisfy both of you.
I am sorry that you and your husband are arguing. That’s hard too. As the wife, it’s important for you to feel as if you are number one. I get that.
Your husband feels caught in the middle. This is tough for him too. He lost his dad.
I hope things improve for all of you soon.
I have always said, I did it my parents way when I lived home, when I got my own home I did it my way. So, MIL needs to understand that you welcome her into your home but its your home. If she wants her room a certain way, thats OK. But its your house and as such you like it a certain way. Your husband needs to understand this too. If you were living with her you would have to do it her way.
Is your MIL going to be staying with you forever? If so, try to create zones: "MIL zones" that simulate an apartment that she can do as she wishes, "yours and hubby's zones" that preserve your privacy and doing things your usual way, and "everybody zones" that everybody uses and cares for together. It will take some talking together to create and adjust until the "everybody zones" work well.
My mom had problems living with us since her stuff kept creeping into other areas of our home and we couldn't agree on ways to work together. For us, it was better when she moved into her own small condo. My sister's MIL moved into an apartment-like set-up in one of her daughter's homes. Each has her own little queendom. Some daughters and moms are just like each other - like my mom and my younger sister - and have the same ground rules, attitudes and cleaning regimens. The last are usually pretty rare. So don't feel you have to stick with only 1 set-up.
Talk with your hubby about your MIL's needs and your concerns before you address them with her. Try to come up with a couple of options that you and your hubby can agree upon. Then, plan a time to talk with your MIL and give her the options you agree upon. She might surprise you and come up with an even better idea.
I can understand some of the confusion, as I would expect a visitor to ask before taking a shower. Some people have a lifetime of needing to ration water or water pressure. Don’t expect her to know what’s on in your house and what’s not on. CM’s suggestions are really good too.
I remarried at age 55, and we had both been single for many years. My DH certainly isn’t a Queen (!!), but I had to adjust to doing so many things a different way. I did have to learn not to ‘wear my heart on my sleeve’. Mind you, he had to change too. Now he eats most vegetables, not just peas and chips!
She is still very much a "new widow" and she is probably suffering from shock and grief. It really takes a lot of time to adjust to one's "new normal.". Grief is not the only reason for the awkwardness in your relationship , but it probably makes it harder for your MIL to cope with her new situation.
More seriously--yes, having a discussion about "the rules" is appropriate as long as it is done sensitively and not in the form of a lecture. Perhaps "traditions" is a better word than "rules" because much of what happens in a household is probably a matter of habit.
Your Mother in law is still in the grieving process and you should be more understanding and just let her at this time as you know it will get better.
For right now with the Virus, there's not anything you can do.
Aactually, take advantage of your mother in law preparing the meals or helping out with housework or whatever to keep her busy and help keep her mind off the loss of her husband.
As soon as the Stay Home is off, you'll be able to start taking her to whatever language she speaks Church and meeting places of others that just loss their spouse, ect.
Once she makes a friend things will get easier.
Abd don't worry about your husband being attentive to his mom, afterall he is still her boy and she his mom.
Your husband can still open the door for both of ya'll.
Your husband will love you more for showing love to his mom, especially at this time.
Put yourself in her place and give it a few months.
Let her feel comfortable in your home before making up Rules and Boundaries.
Try learning her language and in return she'll be learning yours without even realizing it.
Yes, DH CAN open doors for both, but he doesn't. OP cannot control that.
Learning another language = unrealistic
Yes, MIL can cook, and if she makes a mess of kitchen who cleans.
And NO DH is NOT her boy anymore, he is a married man with a wife, and if wants that over, his choice.
Communication is key. Good luck.
Why did she have to move from where they lived. Was it a cultural expectation? Was it financial?
Your MIL was 20 years younger than her husband so that makes her, what, 60-something years old? Was her moving in supposed to be temporary or permanent?
I think you will continue to get good answers if you share a little more information about how this situation came to be.
Just a thought . . . Is there no possibility of either making part of your house into a "separate" efficiency apartment"? Or if you can afford it & there is enough space on your property there are pods that can be procured that are made specifically to be "mother-in-law" type separate living quarters for a family member who you need to look after.
Counseling! Counseling! Counseling!
I always think about my sig other - when we got together he would try to clean up and it was totally different than the way I would do it. Mopping the floor was the biggie and I would remop. Then I finally realized how pissed I would be if someone came behind me and did it as though I wasn't clean enough. I LET IT GO. He was so good in so many other ways, why criticize. He mopped one week and I did the next in a manner that suited me. Overall the house was clean, we both contributed and I wasn't getting aggravated over something as silly as a mop job.
Don't drag home projects for her. Take her to a craft store (when you can) and see if there is something particular that catches her eye. Go online, for now, and show her some projects (quilt if she sews, crochet, etc) and see if any interest.
She's already in the home - don't get into a show down with hubby by asking him to choose you over her. It's his mom - what do you really expect him to say.
--Let go of the little things ---
i have old family letters - after my great-great-grandmother was widowed, she wrote to her still-single, 20 year old son with her worries about becoming the “second woman” if he married and she needed to come live with him and his future wife. The year was 1883! Which is why I mentioned this as an ages-old issue, ie, just as current as it was more than a century ago.
having a talk with husband who wants to shove everything under a rug and let you shoulder the blame (“you wear your feelings on your sleeve”) may not work. It’s a pain, but sometimes I have to write down what I want to say first. Maybe even give him the paper so he can react to it in private, before you talk. Try to say some positive things, not just let it all out. Maybe offer some solutions that would work for you. There is a chance he won’t listen or help you make a plan. Then it is definitely time for some outside support. Counseling, pastor, a job, new pastimes that take you away from home. Not another love interest (adultery in your mind) but more independence.
a lot of the advice you got told you to think about your MIL’a feelings. But you have been doing that and stuffing your own feelings. It is difficult to stand up for yourself, but in so many cases the one who should stand up for you won’t, and becomes part of the problem.
One time, when I was visiting in PA, a local friend of my grandparents asked me if my grandmother "took over" when she visited us, and I could honestly say she didn't--she cooperated and fit in nicely. It was the same way when my parents, sister and I went to PA to visit there, sometimes spending several weeks at a time there.
I realize there may be differences between a daughter (only child) and mother, vs a DIL and MIL. (I should add that my GM said she loved my father "as if he were my own son").
My reason for writing this is to say that, contrary to many comments I've read or heard, it IS possible for two women to get along in a house, as I've seen it myself. (Okay, I'll admit it brought tears to my eyes to write about this.)
We all need to "shine" in someone else's eyes.
What is she particularly good at that can be enjoyed or experienced by the family, so she gets verbal feedback about her efforts?
Is there some card game or board game you can all play that would let he feel included? Could you get some paints and small canvases (or large) and share some times painting together while listening to some music she likes?
If you have a son of your own, try imagining him in your husband's position when YOU are the older mother and your son is married, but walking YOU into the store and opening doors for you. How would you want HIS wife to feel about that?
Maybe she fears you could be angry or hurt about it, and at the same time, she needs it. She raised him to BE that kind of man, for you, for her, for the good of the world.
The worst mistake my mother ever made was having her mother come live with us after her husband died. An Italian woman with no hobbies, no friends, no interests in learning new things or making new friends, language barriers.....all the same traits your MIL seems to have. All they wound up doing was getting on one another's nerves and fighting over who was in charge and who did what chores. Two stay at home women enmeshed in a foul relationship with nothing to do but cook and clean. And fight. Leaving me in the middle of the chaos, and my father working grueling hours to escape himself. Grandma lived with us for 25 years and wound up living to the ripe old age of 91. She was sent to other children to live with after mom had it, but none were able to cope, so off she went to a nursing home.
Two queens in one castle doesn't usually work. Especially with cultural differences and expectations that don't jive with today's reality.
Have a talk with DH and make a plan to get her reestablished elsewhere within a certain time frame. Or expect the rest of your life and YOUR marriage to continue declining.
Good luck
talk with her to learn her interests and thoughts, using google translate. Guaranteed she has a lifetime of experiences that could contribute to that household. If she doesn't like you, then she doesn't want to live with you. Which means it's time for you and your husband to:
1. evaluate cultural differences
2. discuss finding her a different place for her to live
3. Perhaps research independent living arrangements?