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My mom has dementia. She has word finding problems and much difficulty forming sentences. She also has fairly severe memory deficits. She is VERY aware of these difficulties and asks me almost every day “ What happened to me that I can’t talk right or remember how to do things” How do you explain what has happened to her in a simple way that she will understand? We have never told her that she has dementia, and she currently lives in assisted living( 8 months now) following a hospital/ rehab stint. Thanks in advance for your help. I feel so fortunate to have found this group as it has been so helpful whenever I’ve asked a question, or just reading other posts that I can also relate to.

when she asks you what happened,
maybe say something simple,

"I know it's hard, and it's not fair, but sometimes these things happen when we age. They just happen.
It's okay, we will get through this, it's okay..
we love you.
Margaretmcken is right, truth and love.
then music, dance, AND MILKSHAKES! Party! Enjoy music. Do bring photos, and ask about what she remembers! Maybe something will resurface. Smile , it's okay.
Tell her your stories! HAVE FUN.. MAKE IT
FUN.
Maybe she will tell you her stories.

PLEASE DO NOT CORRECT HER!!
It doesn't matter.

Hopefully you'll laugh together, and others too
Helpful Answer (8)
Reply to MAYDAY
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Tayhawk Sep 1, 2026
Thank you! I love the way you worded that. I have said that these things happen as we get older and it’s okay, but I like your wording better! Feel so bad, besides dementia, she can barely hear even with hearing aids which does not help the situation!
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I would not use the word "Dementia" because it may cause fear or anger because they don't feel as though anything is wrong with them but do feel off in some way at the same time. It is par of the course to have the person asking what is wrong with them because they honestly don't understand.

I always try to divert the question with "really, I guess it is aging. Oh my gosh I saw the funniest thing today...." and then talk about something or someone that will trigger them to focus on that subject rather than their lack of memory. Even focusing on the plants or sky that is in the moment "look, doesn't that cloud look like snoopy...I loved the comic strip...Oh him and Woodstock were quite a pair".

I have resorted to bringing a book of jokes to read to keep off the subject of their health. Sometimes it doesn't work and the anger set in. That is my que to say "I will ask the doctor and maybe they can explain better. But right now I want to have a happy visit with you. If you would like I can visit a better time when you are not as angry". This usually triggers him to be more calm because he doesn't want to be alone.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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I'm sorry that you are going through this with your mom. It must be really hard on the family to see mom go through the different stages of Dementia.
Would you mom be scared if you told her that she is having age related memory loss? (I say age related memory loss because for many the word Dementia is scary). If you think it would cause her to be scared I wouldn't say anything. If you think it would help ease her stress about why she is forgetting things then tell her " Mom your ok. You are just a bit forgetful today. Did you sleep well last night?" Often times adding things that is easy to understand helps calm them. Sleep, hunger etc as being the cause.
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Reply to Panurse25
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I tell my husband that we are partners. I take care of remembering what happened yesterday and he is in charge of the memories from when we were young. Works like a charm because he then usually comes up with a memory for us to talk about. Real or imagined doesn’t really matter. Just a happy path to think about.
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Reply to rfordham
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LillyFinch Sep 10, 2026
This made me cry. It is one of the most compassionate and loving things I've heard in a long time. I actually joined the forum just to tell you that. ❤️❤️❤️
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My mother was in Memory Care Assisted Living and would sometimes ask me why she was so forgetful. She did not like the word dementia and insisted there was nothing wrong with her. I'd tell her she was doing the best she could, and forgetting things from time to time as we all did, due to getting old. That seemed to work in her case.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Perhaps the ‘simplest way’ is to tell her that she is “showing some signs of dementia” or “in the early stages of dementia”. She clearly wants to understand what is happening and why. Perhaps telling her is the most honest (and kindest) thing to do. Of course you say that she is still the same person and you love her just as much as always
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I don't think everything requires an explanation, especially trying to explain to someone with cognitive deficits.
The simplest way to answer her when she asks, is the one you have never used. Simply tell her that she has dementia. Or just agree with her that her mind isn't working very well, and offer to be there with her to help her navigate this challenging chapter in her life. Remind her that she is safe in her new home with caring and understanding staff who are there to help her out.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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Tayhawk Sep 10, 2026
Thank you! I have told her that she had taken care of everyone her while life and now it's her turn to rest and let others do for her!
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Tell your mother that her mind does not work like it did when she was younger and that you love her just the same. Do not mention dementia because that may scare her.
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Reply to Patathome01
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My husband has Parkinson's and dementia. He knows he has dementia. In fact, it makes him feel less bad about his cognitive, speech and memory issues. Knowing he has a brain disease called dementia helps him to understand why it's happening. Although sometimes I think he uses it as an excuse to do things and say things that are crazy and ridiculous! LOL.
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Reply to EliseC
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My mom has moderate Alzheimer's and sometimes says she is worried about her memory loss. We have told her she has Alzheimer's but she doesn't remember. And sometimes she will challenge us cause she won't remember the doctor giving the diagnosis. So with my mom we don't go that route anymore. We try to redirect. If she persists I might tell her we can set up a doctor's appointment to look into it.

It took a while before we realized we don't need to answer all her questions. It felt weird at first though.
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Reply to Jennyjenjen
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Tayhawk Sep 10, 2026
Thanks for this reply. Memory is also an issue with my mom. She was in the hospital and rehab and totally has no recollection of it, so I feel your pain and she not all questions need an answer.
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