How can I get our 40 year old daughter to acknowledge that we are alive?

As many have said, there are two sides to the story.

So here’s my take...but at first a it’ll e back story.

My brother was “the golden child” from the day he entered this world. Handsome, articulate with the family and financial opportunity behind him to be literally ANYTHING he wanted to be. My mother, and to a lesser degree, my father, were there for him at ever twist and turn in my brother’s life. Which includes never letting him hit rock bottom, wiring him money when he needed it, etc, etc. His thanks? When my mother had a massive stroke in 2000, he had the gaul to say that she was “dead to him” and for 3 years before her death, and towards the end when she had declined and family members asked that he come visit, he didn’t. And then comes my father’s turn. Only this time, my brother didn’t come home for 8 years. But he did call. To ask to borrow money and tell my father, then in his 90s, about his own health woes.

So what does that have to do with your story? Maybe your daughter simply can’t be bothered with you. She knows you’re not getting any younger and she doesn’t want the responsibility or stress to be respond or you (though you may have always been there for her). And maybe she already feels a little guilty which is why she said you’re trying to guilt her.

So in my humble opinion, you can keep investing in your relationship and write to her, potentially to no avail. Or realize that you need to come up with a plan for you and your husband when you do need some permanent help. And change your will. If she wants no contact with you, then no contact it is.

Something happened to where she said she is done with you. In that conversation, what was she mad about? I would think you have some insight as to what caused her to walk away. Does it go back years? Was it something more recent? Whatever it was, from your perspective you don't see that there is a reason for her estrangement, but from her viewpoint there was. So evaluate that conversation or event and try to see why she would have been angry.

Even if you still think you did no wrong, write a letter of apology anyway. Someone has to extend the olive branch. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you would like to be able to talk with her on the phone and for her to visit whenever possible. Tell her you love her and end the letter. Do it a couple of times and see if she will respond.

Be very careful when you say I am sorry - Many people who say it while not really believing they did anything wrong will say: " I am sorry you took what I said that way, BUT..." --That is not an apology and actually just reinforces the thing you originally said that made someone mad. An apology is: "I am sorry, PERIOD. I hope you can forgive me.

None of us have the real history for you as to why a daughter walks away, no contact, and says she is done, however there is always hope. Continue to write and make an attempt from your side. If she ever comes round, leave the issue in the past and do not rehash again. It is sad when family cannot be family.

I too also only have one child, a daughter who is 42 and is exactly the same. Just within the last couple of years I have given up any hope of having a normal relationship with her. I have tried everything only to find that if she is around the only thing she wants is money, do for her, and resolve problems she has created in her life.

My husband Is 72 and also sick. I do miss her, but I have found that when she is with me her selfishness sucks the life out of me and I just can’t take it any more.

Why has your daughter said she is done with you?

This is horrible but it happens so often in life - sometimes justified and other times not. It is terrible to face the fact that someone does not care and won't step in. She made that very clear. My question is this - you have a bad apple in the pie. Are you going to fight to save that bad apple or are you going to remove it and eat the rest of the pie. This woman wants no ties - face it - there will never be any and you are making a fool of yourself to try to make her give what she can't/won't. Accept it.....use what little you have left to care for yourselves and start contacting professional agencies and groups for assistance and advice. Try to enlist friendships with a few good, decent people. That is where your strength and peace will lay - never with her. Don't waste yourself on her. MOVE ON.

Hi tevincolorado,
First, I want to commend you for reaching out to your daughter to try and reconnect. This was an act of love and giving on your part. I had a similar experience with my son for many years. I decided that I would give to him and show him my unconditional love without any expectations of receiving anything in return. For me, this meant sending cards, texts, gifts on holidays and telling him how thankful I was to have him as a Son. I knew that I was only responsible for my own actions, thoughts and prayers and not my Sons. I prayed for him every day AND protected my heart from disappointments, hurts, anger, bitterness, etc. This was not EASY to do. I decided to love my Son without judgement. Slowly over the years, the door opened for our relationship to mend and strengthen. We continue to work on this even today. I also realized that God would meet my needs as I focused on him and He has helped with the relationship w\my Son and he also opened up doors for other relationships in my life that being joy and fulfillment. I am very grateful for these things. May God bless you in your journey😊

There's always another side and as a daughter, I can well imagine how you think so well of yourselves but are doing exactly what drove her away in the first place. If you would be satisfied with only a card on holidays that speaks volumes.

Maybe if you stop pushing if you are so wonderful and not controlling or guilt-inspiring maybe she will approach you. Until then if you have other children be grateful and if not check into local resources for who will be there for you both since she cannot be counted on.

People usually don’t estrange themselves unless in their mind there is a good reason. You can’t get her to behave the way you would like her too. It is painful to be locked out of a relationship when you don’t understand why. Even though in your mind you want her to contact you, accept the fact she is not where she wants to.
The only thing you can truly do is see a talk therapist...many do these online now, and work out how you can live with this situation. Don’t expect her to be different and you won’t be disappointed.

this sounds so harsh but youre making attempts for help and she’s obviously ignoring them and wont face them or want them.

call her about once a month and say something like “hi. We’re calling just to say hello and that we love you. Take care of yourself” and then hang up. Dont ask for anything.

dont ask for help or say youre depending in her.

she’ll either help you or she wont and youve made an attempt for contact without making a guilt trip on her.

then ... investigate agencies you can depend on for assistance and get your help from them.

Sad, but true: you cannot force someone to love, or even care for, you. I do not deny that this is very painful for you and your husband. BUT why pine away for something that cannot be? (At least as it stands right now). If I was in your shoes I would shake off the dust and seek a professional DPoA (possibly an attorney) and get all your legal papers in order. Do not include her in your will in any way or you will incentivize her to not work in your best interests as you age and if you (heaven forbid) slide into dementia and can no longer protect yourselves from her. When you have all these protections in place, you can inform her politely (maybe in a registered letter) that she no longer has to worry about ANYTHING regarding your care and that you were inspired to leave all your estate (everything, including your house) to a favorite and deserving charity. You can still tell her you will always love her but that you've come to understand it is not reciprocated, and that's okay -- you've come to accept it. Of course, if the relationship changes for the better you can always revise any of your legal paperwork.

If she is your only child, there is a lot of pressure in that role. I know, I am a "super only" since I was raised by my mom AND her 2 older sisters who never married nor had children. I have 3 mothers and no siblings. I have to ask if your daughter is of a different political bent than you and your husband? Nowadays there is a real (and very sad, very selfish, very immature, very ignorant, very very intolerant) tendency to "cancel" those who think or vote differently than you. Maybe involve yourselves in a worthy mission where you can pour your parental talents and energy into the lives of those who have no one to help them. This would be edifying, healthy and purposeful for you two. I wish you success in moving beyond your attachment to your "daughter" and much peace in your hearts that you're doing the wise thing with your futures.

Instead of taking a turn here as an armchair psychologist, I suggest you look into local Adopt-a-Grandparent program in your area.

Even if you could figure out what's going on with your daughter, I seriously doubt you'll rekindle the kind of relationship you want.

In the meantime, I certainly hope you have a plan to help yourselves with legal, medical, and care issues as they arise because you certainly can't factor in your daughter for any of these.

Love is unconditional, no matter what. Does your daughter suffer from other stressors? Perhaps she is looking for relief from additional pressures. Consider seeking professional help.

I sense that more than 70 % of the replies blame the seniors. See them as the trouble is a general consensus. Some seniors are not senile nor do they have dementia . Instead of condemning them , please understand their age and sympathize with their problems . Could they be right ? Give them a chance.
.

Let her know how much you care in a very brief phone call, email or voice mail. Then just cool your jets and just let life flow as best you can, and you know, just let her alone. She'll reach out in time

Assuming you want honest responses by posting to this forum -- In your letter to your daughter, you said you could use some support, and then you added your ages. Do you have any reason to believe your professional daughter has no idea of your ages? Is she unable to do basic math? Cuz it looks like a typical guilt letter. It reads like -- we need help, we are old, you are our daughter and owe us.

That is how it reads to me, that is how I would interpret it if I was the daughter in the scenario, and in fact, that is exactly how your daughter took it. Frankly, I cannot find another way to understand it, unless there is some compelling reason to share your ages with your daughter.

This gives me a hint that while you think you are a really nice person, you want your daughter to do something for you and you are willing to guilt her to get what you what. If I follow this line of thinking, this is why your daughter is estranged from you.

Just my two cents, but I also wonder if you posted here in order to collect supportive responses, then share them with your daughter. Was that your intention?

I think everyone who has answered your question has brought up some wonderful points and I hope you are able to take them to heart. With that said, I know you are hurting deeply because I am sure you poured your heart and soul into raising your daughter. There is a lot of blood, sweat, and tears that go into parenting... it’s the hardest job in the world... and yet, no matter how hard you tried, no matter how good your intentions were, and no matter how much you loved her, you made mistakes along the way that have obviously affected your relationship. You didn’t mean to, but you did. Who knows...You could have smothered her with love because she was your only child....you probably spoiled her too because you wanted to give your precious little girl everything you never had growing up...whatever you did, you did it all with the best of intentions and out of pure, unconditional love...I’m sure you did the very best you knew how to do and you made so many sacrifices along the way for her and put her needs first before your own for years.... and now you are merely asking her to love you back the way you have loved her for so many years....and you don’t understand the disdain she seems to have in her heart for you because you never wanted it to be this way. You don’t know why it all got so complicated and messed up. You wish you could just start over and wipe away all those things that have caused this relationship to become so strained. You just want to take her in your arms and hug her with all your might and feel her hugging you back. I get it, more than you know... it is my story too. But know this.... now is not the time to put blame on her... and it’s not the time to try and guilt her into loving you. Your past story with her has been written but your future story with her is up to you. She’s going to continue to stick that knife in your heart as long as you keep demanding her to live up to your expectations of being your daughter...The years are flying by and you are getting older and you don’t want to be at the end of your life knowing that you are estranged from your one and only child... now THAT would be such a shame! It’s up to YOU, mom... you are going to have to eat some humble pie here...it’s not about who is right and who is wrong...it’s not about all you have done for her through the years...It’s about NOW...Things started to change for me when I just set it in my heart that I refused to stop loving my daughter and that as much as she was hurting me, I had to keep reminding myself that she was a wonderful gift in my life and that I needed to focus more on what was right about her rather than what was wrong with her. I had to let her go and watch her blossom from afar... I had to watch others receive love from her that I wished she was giving to me...I had to accept the fact that being MY DAUGHTER wasn’t that big of a deal to her, even though being HER MOM was EVERYTHING to me- my greatest achievement- my only purpose in life!! I had to get over all of that and instead find joy in watching that little, strong-willed girl become an independent, well-liked, successful, thriving young woman and new wife. Yes, I made my mistakes... many actually, but she turned out ok. I did my job and I rest in that. WE are doing better now because I CHOOSE to let her be her, torn jeans, crazy Millennial ideas and all. I am 65...she is 25. There are a lot of years between us and the generation gap is huge. I have to bridge that gap with unconditional love and acceptance of our differences. The more I do that, the more she wants to come around...I’m willing to do anything and try anything because she is worth the effort. Don’t give up, mom! Just let her know that you are so sorry for whatever you did to make her feel the way she does about you and that you want the future to be different. No guilt, no shame, no blame. It may take some time, but plant the seed and see what happens. It seems to be working for me!

There are several other questions that come to mind that might shed some light on this:

1) Was the estrangement sudden, or did the daughter just gradually break away "out of the blue"? How long ago did this happen? Was the time the daughter said she was "done" with the parents the first time there was any indication of a problem, or was it building up to this over time?

2) Is the daughter married or in a relationship? Does she have children? If the answer to the former question is yes, did the parents have any relationship with the spouse, and what was it like? The context suggests that the answers are likely to be "no" but a relationship might not be considered to qualify as "part of the family".

3) Considering the current state of politics, does either side have strong political views that clash with those of the other side? Are there religious issues?

4) How far apart do the parents and the daughter live? If they are quite close, the daughter may fear she'll be required to take on caretaking tasks. If far away (and especially if the daughter is single), she may fear that the parents will try to "guilt" her into moving back "home" to take care of them instead of allowing her to be completely in control of "her own life".

5) How often were the parents and the daughter in communication before this happened? What was the relationship like during the daughter's childhood and afterwards? At what age did the daughter leave home?

6) Assuming the parents are correct in that they were not abusive in any way, it is possible someone else (another relative probably deceased, or a friend of the parents) was abusive toward the daughter (or molested her) and the parents didn't believe it happened or take it seriously if the daughter reported it? Are there other friends of either the parents or the daughter than the other dislikes? Is it possible that the parents have done something the daughter considered abusive even if the parents didn't?

7) The mother is the one who has posted on the forum--is the father equally concerned, and if so, would he have worded the posting differently?

I realize these are a lot of questions, but if we knew the answers to these, it might help in providing some insight as to the cause of this estrangement. They might also jar the memory of the parents, reminding of something important or relevant that they've forgotten.

I wonder if the daughter is simply a "loner" who isn't interested is maintaining contact with family or perhaps other people, too. She could be using the possibility of a caregiving situation as the tipping point for making sure she never has to have or continue a relationship.

It's hard to know why people do the hurtful things they do sometimes. My advice: Please understand that I don't mean to be harsh in any of the thoughts I have for you. First and foremost, forgive her and forgive yourself. And pray for her. Put it in G-d's hands. Don't try to contact her anymore. I understand that your hurt and lonely but you will only push her away if you cross her boundaries. Reach out to friends and cultivate new friendships. Don't expect any help from your daughter.

Are you and/or your husband able or willing to acknowledge that there might be changes you could make in reaching out to her that might make it more possible for her to respond?

Can you consider how telling her how old you are in writing might be interpreted by her as “.....trying to make her feel guilty”? Would you have some reason to think she herself might not know how old you were?

You are certainly not too old to seek counseling for dealing with your own feelings about this very sad life situation, but if you choose to take that direction it will “work” most effectively if you can push yourself to allow the therapist to pursue topics that may be very painful for you to discuss.

I am older than you, and for reasons that I understand, but cannot change, I was a very poor mother to my two children when they were very young. I am very grateful to have better relationships with them now, as adults with families, but I absolutely DO NOT have expectations of them because I gave birth to them.

Are you willing to consider your feelings of loss if the breach between you cannot be repaired? You and your husband deserve good things and pleasant experiences in your life, even in the face of a loss of a relationship that is very important to you, and that you wish were different.

I am sorry you do not have a closer relationship with your adult daughter.

If she is working currently in her field, she may be very busy with work and close to burn out. She may keep distant to keep you healthy. She may not have the emotional reserves to connect with you if she is heavily involved in caring for COVID patients. It is a really bad year when it comes to COVID.

She may also desire to have a life that doesn't involve you. Not saying you did anything to deserve her cold shoulder. Please consider connecting with her yourself with phone calls and letters. Please also connect with other people - young and old - as friends to create a social/support network you require.

I am one of 3 sisters. One of my sisters, lives in another state, calls my mom (a really nice lady) several times a week and they visit in person twice a year. They are cut from the same cloth. I am total opposite of my mother and live 1 hour from her and I am the only daughter that lives nearby. I see her once a week and call her 1-2 times a week. We have done a few projects together that required almost daily contact and she doesn't respect me as an adult... so I limit my interactions to those that maintain healthy boundaries. The remaining sister is very busy with her career - travels almost constantly before COVID. She has nothing in common with my mother and probably considers that my mother does not enhance the life she lives and desires. My sisters and I had a very abusive father and mom was very co-dependent in that relationship until she left him 30 years ago. Seeing my mother reminds her of the abuse... so she rarely connects with my mother. 3 women and 3 very different types of relationships. Which of us is doing this senior parent/ adult child relationship correctly? Not sure, but we all try to manage as best we can.

Agree, this is one side. I’ve been on the other side and I can tell you there’s more to the story and the daughter most likely has good reasons for her behavior. I’ve gone years without contact with my narcissistic, mentally ill mother. Finally decided to stop beating myself up. She’s a miserable, angry person and nothing I ever did was good enough. Alcoholic Dad deserted us when I was 11 so didn’t hear from him for decades either. A sad story all around.

My sister has cut our mother out of her life as much as possible. She carries many bad memories of our childhood. Our mother caused us a lot of trauma. Mom thinks herself a nice, generous person. Reality is she is a mean spirited, selfish person and always has been. My sister came for a visit a few weeks back and mom barely had time to see her. Watching tv was more important. Yesterday my sister lost her dog of 15 years and mom’s comment....”Oh well she lived a long time”. No condolence call or sympathy. She lives in my house and that hell I made for myself, but hope I will be glad I did it when she is gone. I know there are two sides to every story and the truth is usually in the middle.

I’m so sorry to hear your daughter not being more involved in your life, that’s heartbreaking, maybe she has some personal issues she is working through? Or maybe she is just being selfish, either way not nice. How are y’all through all this? Reach out to others, there’s definitely people out there that care. My mom lives alone and between myself and her caregiver we see her everyday, she has dementia...unfortunately she forgets I come to see her😞

I don't think a adult child/ren "can just decide" to ignore from their mom or dad. There is more to it than that, and it's brought on by years of unresolved issues that start in childhood. Perhaps rather than you wishing your child would change, you could turn a mirror in your direction and see what you need to do understand her position. Childhood pain is sometimes manifest by adult estrangement, at least that's been the case with my sibs and parents.

Life is tough for everyone. Expect nothing and be thankful for everything and anything good that life throws your way. She will come around if and when she realizes when you are gone your gone or she may live with the regret some day or live through a what comes around goes around scenario someday. Feel content in the fact you let her know you are there for her now and maybe that eases her mind some of what she deals with day in and day out on her part of the world. Let her be and love her for at least being their for others. Most medical staff get into the field, because the truly do care about helping make other lives a little better. Send her flowers and thank her for doing just that.

Not trying to be rude but, you say that she is a professional in the health care field. Could it be that she needs a little moral support and care right now? She could be feeling like you don't care what she is facing having to work with covid day in and day out and you are making it about your needs because you are old and never once asking her how she is holding up facing probably the scariest situation in her life?

Just a thought, because I have parents that think it is all about them and never ask how I am. I know they don't care and I don't have time for their games when I am dealing with life issues, so cutting them off is the easiest way for me to not have more stress because of their crap.

Search your actions and make sure that you are not disregarding her during your time of need. She is dealing on the front lines and she is probably stressed to the max, give her what you demand from her and see if that doesn't change the dynamics.

I’m sorry for your hurt, and I think there is always hope. Where there is life there is hope. Ask your daughter to spell out why she has cut you off, be prepared for her answers, and ready to ask for forgiveness if it’s appropriate. Reach out to her with no expectation of her doing or changing anything, simply let her know you love and care for her

I know it must hurt, I cannot imagine what it would feel like to be estranged from one of mine.
But you really do need to look at the why. Perhaps you don't know the why but if you think about it you may come up with some reason that she might put distance proactively because she knows how you might react to her choices. Or perhaps you do know the why and don't want to admit you may have some culpability. Or perhaps she is the one with issues and you are genuinely not responsible.
My grandfather used to say there are at least 3 sides to any story, your side, my side, and the truth. As humans we often skew our perspectives in favor of ourselves. You can't and won't likely change her. So I suggest taking some time to look inward. You can't make her do anything. You can only change how you deal with her. Look at her life from childhood to adulthood. Were there missteps in either side (the answer there is yes for all of us). Has she indicated that she has resentments that you have brushed aside or not addressed? You said she told you she is done with you. Those are generally not the words someone uses out of the blue.
I'll give you an example. And I'm most certainly not saying this is you, just saying it is one example of a person who maintains they are perfectly nice. There are 8 close family members for my FIL. He is a narcissistic, demanding individual who cannot see his own behavior. He was mentally, verbally and physically abusive to my husband and his sister growing up. He is still mentally and verbally abusive. Questions every single decision-easy fix- he loses awareness of our decisions. He ignored his grandchildren when they were growing up. (Like truly ignored, didn't acknowledge). So now they ignore him. They have cut him out. They are done with him.
It could be she is participating in choices that she knows you would disapprove of, so she removes you from the equation. It could be that there are old hurts and she needs time to heal. It could be that you were asking for more from her than you realize and she had to draw a line in the sand.
But the reality is that you can't change her. Period. You can only change you. Your approach. Your behavior.

So sorry tevincolorado - It must hurt a lot to have your child turn her back on you (wrongly or rightly.) That happened to one of my friends. One of her two sons decided to cut off all contacts. The reasons were complicated, both sides were at fault. She tried to make amends, but he never reciprocated. It's been almost 8 years or so since she last saw him. She said it left a hole in her heart. As a mother myself, I can totally understand her pain.

I agree with others who have said to write your daughter a letter asking for reasons why she cut off contact. Or if you already know the reasons, it's best to swallow your pride and own up. I also agree that you should continue to send cards to her. I know I would. I love my children so much that I don't think I could withhold love from them even if they don't return the love. I pray that would never happen.

In the meantime, it's best you try to have your own social outlets with your own friends.

Good luck.

As others have said we only have one side of the story.

Both my parents would make the claim that they are really nice people too. Except neither of them wanted me. Both have done incredibly cruel things to me many times over the years, but each would say I deserved it. I have very limited contact 100% on my terms. I had zero contact with my dad for a decade. I had zero contact with my Mum for 4 years after my marriage broke up.

I know exactly how old my parents are and I know exactly how much care I would provide either of them. Zilch.

Sorry, but there is a reason she is estranged. What did you do that she was done with you? Being an only child did you spoil her and then had to do some "tough love". Like said maybe she expected something out of you or your expectations of her were unreal.

I have a friend who feels she was a great mother but one son is estranged the other keeps in touch but not regularly. She expects too much from people. She is a Debbie Downer. Everything is everyone elses fault. For years I have been wanting to tell her to look at herself but didn't have the nerve. Maybe if I had she wouldn't be in a NH at 71 alone.

I am not saying this is you, just saying sometimes we need to look into ourselves and see if its something we did or said. It doesn't need to be a big thing that sets people off. Maybe your husband did or said something. Your husband is old enough to be her grandfather. Maybe that generation gap is too big.

You are not going to patch your relationship until you find out what caused the estrangement. Since she does read your letters maybe you can write asking that you would like to know what brought on the estrangement. If she is right or wrong you apologize. Because whatever it is, this is how she feels.