My father with dementia moved into my home 6 months ago as he is incapable of living on his own. He is verbally abusive to my wife who consistently and lovingly services his needs in any way she can. Despite my consistent pleas to treat my wife with respect, he continues to demean her (mostly when I am not around) and has made her feel unwelcome in her own home. Dad has the means to live in assisted living, and I’m considering asking him to leave my home. I feel like an unfit husband and son. Is there any way I can change my father’s abusive behavior?
Second - if your father has been abusive to your wife for 6 months, you're not going to change him - re-read First, and make the arrangements to move him.
Third - it is possible your father has been like this to all women and you never noticed it. Move him ASAP or risk your marriage.
As others have mentioned, it may be the best time to place Dad into senior living while he can still learn his way around the facility, and still be able to make new friends with people of his own generation. He may like this situation which would gives him MORE freedom. My Dad really liked living in senior living, he could sit all day reading to his heart content, but don't stand in his way when it was time for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. The food was excellent there :)
TELL him gently and with love that he WILL BE LIVING SOMEWHERE ELSE.
Your “job” as his son is to be sure he is safe, fed, clothed, and respected as a human being. You DO NOT have to “pay” for his needs by expending the comfort of your wife.
You have taken on a terribly difficult job. A six month’s trial has shown you that the present arrangement is not working.
A cognitive assessment may be accessible in a memory care unit, or if not, may be arranged for more easily than in your home. He may well need a trial of medication.
Remember, you cannot control what your father says or does, but you can control where he says or does them.
Have you read about dementia? There is no getting a dementia patient to understand why they should not do something.
There is no logic any longer.
Getting him into a facility might be a good idea.
Does your wife call him on his ugly behavior as it is happening? I would encourage her to tell him to stop and give a consequence, then enforce the consequences as the behavior is happening. This will help her feel like she has some control over her situation and it will let him know that she is not going to be his scratching post.
Depending on how far gone he is in dementia will determine how long he remembers that his bad behavior gets him in trouble with his caregiver. They live in the here and now when they are deep into the disease, so it is very important that the behavior is dealt with right when it is happening, otherwise they don't have a clue what the problem is. You know if he is far gone or just being ornery. Empower your wife with permission to tell him to stop and back her up.
My dad thought that he would be the center of my universe if he could get rid of my husband and he was diagnosed and fully aware of what he was doing. Bit him in the end, he went to a facility.
It has to work for everyone in the home or it doesn't work. No one is the bad guy in these situations, so please give yourself the grace and understanding that you have to do some hard things and nobody is going to enjoy this journey. It is about the best of bad choices when dealing with a progressive brain disease and finding the safest place for the sick loved one and retaining a life of your own while doing this. Difficult at best, life shattering at it worse. So please be kind to yourself and tell your wife the same.
Best of luck finding a solution that works as good as possible.
"Despite my consistent PLEAS to treat my wife with respect, he continues to demean her "
" I’m considering ASKING him to leave my home"
This is your home - yours and your wife's. You are within your rights and indeed have the responsibility to set appropriate boundaries regarding your dad's (or anyone else's) behaviour in your home.
In your own home you state (not plead or ask for) the standards of behaviour that are acceptable and the consequences if they are not met.
That consequence would best be that your father leave your home and move to a facility.
Asking him makes it his choice to say yes or no, and I suspect he wants to stay for a variety of reasons and would say no. He won't get away with that behaviour in a facility.
Telling him "either you stop the abuse or you leave" and following up makes it your choice, which it should be. This is your home and your marriage which is being seriously negatively affected. He is your dad and it is your matter to deal with to make things right for you and your wife. You can't leave it up to him.
As a point of interest, ( I am not looking for excuses for inexcusable behaviour) was he always abusive to women or people in general?
Good luck and let us know how things unfold. A big (((((((hug)))))) for your wife.
My suggestion is to place Dad in an AL. The sooner you do this the more likely he will except it as "home" as his Dementia progresses. Your wife does not deserve the abuse. Your Dad will be safe, fed and cared for in an AL. Hopefully he will enjoy having meals with others and the activities.
Your responsibility is to your wife. To keep her happy. Seems to be a keeper.
Just a question, how was Dad with ur mother.
bzkfrl, YOU ARE NOT UNFIT, or insufficient, or falling short in any way. That feeling sure is hard to get used to, but it gets easier. So many of us are not trained enough, wealthy enough, with enough space in our home or lives to manage the schedule and emotional and physical support of these elders.
Another vote that you absolutely should move him, dear. Use online articles, videos, a time-proven book or two, to learn/confirm what will be your criteria to make sure the place nearby will meet your standards. If it doesn’t, search further afield. I have learned that a place that you can get to more easily could also be the place you will in fact NEED to go to more often, because they can’t handle him. It’s not the gift it sounds at first.
Best wishes to you. Your wife comes first, and he’s lucky to be someone’s second priority, so many people don’t even get that.
You say Dad has the means to afford Assisted Living, then that is where he should be.
If you do not move him out of your house, you wife may just move herself out. And she would be 100% in the right to do so.
If he has the means to live in Assisted Living, by all means look into it. Make sure the ALF has a Memory Care section as well, so he can move into that area either now or when needed. Dementia only progresses with time and never gets better, only worse, unfortunately. Moving dad into a Memory Care environment doesn't make you an 'unfit son'......it makes you concerned with his welfare and interested in getting him socialized and cared for in the best way possible. You are not an unfit husband, either, as you have no way to prevent his behavior towards your wife. You CAN be the hero by moving him out of your home and into an ALF, however.
Wishing you the best of luck with this whole situation
Care-giving in general can be at the very least a thankless job, sometimes worse. Being verbally abused and unappreciated makes it worse. Dementia really plays into his behavior, though it might be how he has felt all along, and now just has no "filter" to prevent him from expressing how he feels.
As for the move, with dementia he will eventually, if not already, need MC. Moving/changing environments is hard on those with dementia, so it will probably be best to just move him to MC rather than AL->MC.
Moving him will relieve the pressure on your wife, make you the "hero" yet you can still be advocate for your father and visit often, ensuring he is well-cared for. Too many insist we *must* provide this duty because we owe it to them. Moving someone to a facility is NOT abandoning them and can actually make a relationship better, as it allows you to revert to being a caring child rather than a nurse-maid. With dementia, there is no reasoning with him or chastising him. No matter how many times you try to change his behavior or convince him to stop, he won't remember and it will continue, or even get worse.
Final thought - once he moves, he may become difficult towards you as well. Some adjust to the new environment, but it can take time. Others never adjust. Often staff will recommend staying away for a few weeks, to allow some adjustment. Learn to "redirect" his focus onto something else if he starts with the 'take me home' rant. If he can't be refocused, then cut the visit short, try again another time.
The only thing we can say is do NOT take the guilt about this on yourself. It is what it is, we can't control it. No matter what you do, you will likely get the "guilt" laid on you. Moving him will likely be the best for all.
He has funds, start looking for AL for him and move him out. He will not change, he will continue to get worse.
Sending support your way.