He is not diagnosed but showing a lot of signs of dementia, including anger and inappropriate behavior. We've found that spending short times with him — a simple meal, a trip to the store — are the only ways we can handle him. (He lives in AL nearby)
My daughter is graduating high school and he keeps saying he wants to come, but it's a huge school so it's going to be at a local college stadium and it will be several hours long. He has a way of making things all about him — this was true before his decline — and I just don't want to deal with it. It's my daughter's day, and we want to celebrate her. My sister will be coming from out of town so I was thinking of having a dinner the night before, something more manageable, but I know he will be upset. And yet, I can't be his caretaker on this day. I want to be there for my kid! I want to take a lot of pictures and cheer and enjoy it. Is that wrong?
Seriously, while I get the desire to include all family members, and you seem to think grandpa would be fine - even though you have no first-hand experience with this man, where I am sure DMB has - what happens, in the "off chance" (at least in your mind's eye) if grandpa DOESN'T cooperate at the graduation? Do you have any stellar advice for THAT little scenario?
DoingMyBest, you know your dad better than anyone of us here. If your gut feeling says not to even attempt this, then DON'T DO IT. Might he be mad? Maybe, but you know what? He'll get over it. And even if he never does, you will at least have seen this *HUGE* event in your daughter's life.
High School graduation is a very emotional time, not just for you, the parent, but also for your daughter! Both of my children, while they professed to not be able to wait until graduation, cried afterward. It's the reality of the end of childhood and the first step into adulting. If nothing else, your daughter deserves your undivided attention if she becomes emotional, without having to worry about a "grandpa meltdown". Go to her graduation with a happy heart, no grandpa and no guilt!
You're very confident in this, so as a learning tool, it would really help having more insight as to what specifically you do. Your thoughts?
There comes a time that what the family always used to do, things will be done differently this year. For example, most schools nowadays stream graduation ceremonies.
Or, better yet have photos taken with the graduate if they are nearby in State.
What I do now with my mother, was different a year ago. I am not going to make taking my mother out a spectacle. I am not going to throw my back out, drag my mother through a venue and worry about finding a bathroom.
People with Dementia do not like a lot of noise. It confuses them. You have to be honest with yourself. My parents met at a wake in the 1950's. My dad never missed a wake. Fast-forward Dad is gone, Mom is elderly and I simply send a Mass card or some type of condolence. I do not drag mother out to funeral homes.
Keep it simple, not a lot of fanfare. As the elderly age and become frail their life becomes smaller. Their environment has be thought out. I can no longer take my mother to the grocery store so she can walk up and down the aisles on her UpWalker Lite. It' takes too much out of her and right now it's become more of a worry than what used to be considered exercise and a coffee afterwards.
But I do take mother out locally in the neighborhood with the better weather. I have a physical therapist coming to the house. You have the make the changes as the disease progresses.
This is Graduation season and you asked but I wouldn't do it. Too much can go wrong. Although everyone has a cell phone with a camera on it. You can send a gift. Use Facetime whatever.
Keep it simple...don't feel guilty if you can bring your loved one to every event!
Something like a graduation - especially one of this size - could be very confusing and disconcerting for someone with dementia. The noise, the crowds, the length of time required. The frustration I'm sure they would feel - as well as the frustration their family and/or caregivers would feel trying to provide a safe environment for them in a place like a STADIUM would probably be very overwhelming.
On the low end- a college stadium can hold 30,000 people. Now I can't imagine that a high school graduation would draw that many people. BUT, they don't typically use a venue like that unless they have a large class (Otherwise they just do the graduation at their own school) So I'm betting there are at least 400 graduates. If everyone gets at least 10 tickets and uses them all you are looking at 4,000 people NOT counting the graduates, Junior Marshals, all of the teachers, superintendent, special speakers, and other county officials, and potentially band and chorus members. So you are looking at around 4,500 people.
That's not a small number of people even in a venue that size. What happens if grandpa manages to wander off? No one knows him but their family. He could potentially manage to get away from them enough in that venue that no one could find him, he could get outside of the venue. Confused by all of the noise, unfamiliar surroundings.
I guess my point is this - if just giving DMB and her daughter a well deserved day to celebrate such a wonderful accomplishment without making them feel guilty isn't possible for some people - maybe they should look at it from another point of view.
Maybe they should look at it as protecting grandpa by NOT taking him. Why put him in any potential danger. The family will be distracted. The entire situation is the perfect set up for something to go wrong. Why take the chance when you don't have to? Why, when he may not even pay attention and potentially distract everyone else - and be just as content to watch it later - would you subject him to that?
We did that so my mother could attend her grandson's marriage.
HE DOESN'T GO TO THE GRADUATION.
Have it available on Zoom or something so he can watch it at home / where he lives.
Yes: Expect that he will be upset. This is what / how he reacts. While some may be his 'M.O.' - his behavior may have more to do with brain chemistry changes. When this happens, you need to adjust your behavior and boundaries.
The 'best' way to deal with his upset-ness / outbursts is to provide reflective listening: "Yes, I realize you are upset." ... "We are disapointed to that you won't be able to attend."
Or
What I (might/) would do ...
Not mention it to him. Will he forget it?
The more you make a big production out of this event, the more he will react accordingly as he wants to be a part of the celebration, understandably.
Tell him it has been postponed due to Covid or something.
He doesn't need to know. And, you DO need to keep him in environments that he can handle, which may be very limited now.
It is VERY NICE of you to consider a dinner the night before.
You are VERY thoughtful in how you want to include him.
Your focus on the special day needs to be on the graduation / photo taking, etc.
He needs to stay home.
Gena / Touch Matters
And don't forget to turn off your phone during the graduation ceremony in case Dad calls...