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My 92-year-old mother-in-law has dementia and we care for her, although we have honored her wishes to remain in her home. She has now progressed to a point where she is no longer safe in her home but refuses to leave. We have durable power of attorney for finance and health. We have letters from her PCP and her neurologist stating she is no longer competent to care for herself. We live in Pennsylvania and we don't want to drag her from her home. How do we proceed? Any helpful advice is appreciated as we have battled with this situation for over 5 years. We have installed cameras, Jubilee TV, special telephones, once weekly professional caregiver, friend who also visits several times a week and, of course, our visits. We do her shopping, doctors' visits, bills, lawn care, food, etc.

My friend is 86, I am her PoA for all matters. She has vascular dementia/Alzheimer's. I had a live in caregiver with her for 3 years. My friend started wandering at night, and though she didn't go outside, it was concerning. Her memory was worsening, SLUMS test 6/30; she was exhibiting some odd behaviors. I was concerned for her overall safety and well being. The CG was experiencing burn out. Neurologist recommended Memory Care. My friend said, no, not yet, I have dogs. There was no way she was going of her own volition. I had to come up with a "therapeutic fib" and told her the propane tank was leaking and we could no longer stay at the house safely while they repaired it. At first, she was skeptical and said, "are you just saying that to get me out of the house?" I said absolutely not, its a safety hazard, we all have to leave and the dogs have to leave. I told her the CG would care for the dogs. After a little more discussion (though I remained firm but kind) she agreed. We were leaving early the next morning. Of course she didn't remember the convo after after a short time that day. With laughter and joking, managed to get her dressed and in the car the next morn. as we were flying to a different state. She did great on the plane (short trip). Got her to MC, my daughter and I stayed for a very brief time and then let the MC folks take over. The first 2 weeks (at least) were hellish, she was so upset. My stomach was in knots. It took about 2 months and Trazadone to get her settled. I visited twice a week at first and then had to step back for a couple weeks as she adjusted. It was too hard and she was so anxious and angry. After 5 mo she doesn't remember her dogs, their names, never mentions her home, propane leak, nothing. We mainly talk about our past road trips.We laugh. I bring her snacks and I hold her hand, give her a manicure, walk a little bit, sit on the patio if its not too hot. Its an adjustment but it can be done. Best of luck to you. It's not easy, but its in her best interest and her well being and yours as well.
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pumpwoman Sep 9, 2026
Thank you so much. She has started wandering just recently outside in daylight - make get much worse so this is critical now. She will never agree, even for a day or two as she is not compliant at all. Sounds like your friend is very lucky to have you!
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She can no longermake that decision. If the POA is immediate you should have no problem placing her. With my Mom we did not tell her till the day of once she was in the car. When she asked where we were going we told her to an apt of her own where she would meet knew friends. We were very lucky, she acclimated quickly.

If POA needs a doctors letter to invoke it, get it. Its no longer what she wants but what she needs. And what you need. You are important too. Care giving has to work for everyone. Its no longer what she wants, its what she needs.
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pumpwoman Sep 9, 2026
Thanks, JoAnn29. We have POA, letters, etc. We needed confirmation we could take her and ideas as to how to make it less of a circus. She has, and always did have, anger issues and she will raise a huge fuss. So, we want to avoid as much as we can,
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Memory care directors and staff are well experienced in how to guide you on these moves. No discussion with MIL at all. This is the time decisions are made in her best interests, not her wants. It’s far more important to keep her safe than catering to unrealistic wants. Her room at memory care can be filled with her favorite items. Rely on the staff, they know the tricks of the trade in helping people settle in. Many take their family member for lunch and leave afterwards while an activity is going on. I wish you all peace
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pumpwoman Sep 9, 2026
Thank you so much for your response. Now we just need to find the right facility to meet her needs. I am brand new to the forum, so I want to respond to each member kind enough to take the time to provide their expertise.
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If she is no longer competent, I'm going to assume that you or your spouse have POA and have been making her decisions for a long time now. Her 'refusing' to leave her home really doesn't matter. If you're going to put her in memory care because she's not safe at home, her refusal to go is irrelevant. Talk to the facility she's being put in and tell them she will be a hostile transfer. They will know what this is and many places will assist with getting her transferred. Installing cameras, special tvs, special phones, etc... was nice of you and your spouse. Doing all her shopping, errands, doctors' appointments, and chores is too. None of this will make the home safe for her. She needs to have a person literally babysitting her 24/7 now. That's not impossible.

Talk with your spouse and get feedback from family. If you think memory care is the best choice, place her. She can be placed against her will. If homecare may be an option, try it. Good luck and keep us posted.

There is also the option of homecare. She will need live-in caregivers. I use the plural because it's never a good idea to have only one person responsible 24/7. The best bet (and I've been in this business a long time) is to hire two caregivers who either split the week or one is there the weekdays and the other comes weekends. Eventhough I own a homecare business, my recommendation would be to hire privately. Caregiver websites like care.com are a good place to start looking. You make the choice and check their backrounds out yourself. You can negotiate the pay also. It's cheaper than dealing with an agency. I'm going to tell you straight, weekend help is expensive even when it's a private arrangement. Through a homecare agency will be a fortune. This could be a good solution for your MIL.
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pumpwoman Sep 9, 2026
Thank you so much for your response. I can relate to your screen name! :-) Given her financial situation (we contribute heavily), in home care would be significantly more, I believe, because she would still have her home upkeep which takes most of her income every month. For the memory care, we will need to sell her home. I love that you provided "hostile transfer" as a point to discuss with a potential facility. That is exactly what she will be.
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My mom still was making her own decisions when my siblings and I decided she should move to an assisted-living facility. Mom was about 95 at the time. Each of us communicated with her to express our belief that she should move. One thing that made it easier for me was that I kept in mind my own experiences when I was a teenager and had to receive in-patient treatment for an illness. I wasn't always enthusiastic about the treatment; my parents said, "Sorry, you have to do this." They and I got through the discomfort then, and I decided Mom and I could get through the discomfort decades later.
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pumpwoman Sep 9, 2026
Appreciate your response so much. Lucky you had cooperative siblings. My husband's sister has been estranged from her mother off and on for 35 years. She only shows up to cause issues or for money. So sad...
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If you have POA and it is active you are responsible for making decisions for her that she can no longer make.
It is the job of POA to be sure that the person is safe.
Because of that and her dementia YOU (or your husband if he is actually the one with POA) can legally make the decision to place her in a facility that can safely manage her care. That could be Memory Care of Skilled Nursing if she needs that level of care.
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pumpwoman Sep 9, 2026
Thank you. Yes, we have the POA and letters from doctors emphasizing her incompetence. We are moving forward to find the right venue.
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Pumpwoman, my sister had been living with our mom off and on (mostly on) for almost four years by the time we decided to move mom to an assisted living facility. Sis initially was opposed to the idea of moving mom. She wanted relief from caregiving duties but she wanted that relief to come from my brothers and me. My older brother was the "instigator" of the idea to move mom; I came on board relatively quickly, as did our younger brother. Bros and I had to persuade sis first; then all four of us talked to mom. The process was not as smooth as my first answer might have suggested.
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pumpwoman, thank you for your kind responses. Welcome to this club that nobody wants to be a member of.
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pumpwoman Sep 9, 2026
Thank you and that is so well said!
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Put her in assisted living nest you. Yes, it may be hard, but she will be close to the family she trusts.
Being close and seeing family in person on a regular basis is good. My friend moved her great aunt close to her. She was happy. The place she was moved into has activities. She thanked her grand niece for her support.
Was it easy? No. But it was worth the work, knowing that aunt is close and much easier to navigate her appointments and other needs..
it was good for all involved..
please think about the options you may have; no more trying to keep a house and yard , and groceries, etc..
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Reply to MAYDAY
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Have you visited any memory care facilities or had her recently evaluated and assessed to determine her needs for placement in memory care? You may want to discuss her history and your concerns with her case manager, counselor, geriatrician, or a placement specialist. You may also find contact information in your local department of aging.
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