How do I acquire more patience taking care of my father in law when I don't like him as a person?

Oh I’m so sorry to hear that all the best thing I can tell you is pray that’s what I do my mother is the same selfish ungrateful unkind mean I can go on she has dementia praying is the only thing that helps me and when it gets too bad I just have to leave say mom I got to go best of luck to you it’s so great to have these websites we can go to to help each other God bless you

When my MIL moved across country suddenly to be near us and away from her "ungrateful" daughter who "didn't have time for her". I wept. We were the good kids for a nano second and she began to find fault with US. She moved into a house about 5 minutes away. We were working full time...my husband had a part time evening job too. Two kids, etc. First thing: two elderly aunts on my husband's side cornered us at a wedding and warned my husband to NOT let my MIL ruin our marriage. Thankfully, he listened. He cared for her, dropped by several times a day, but told her NOT to come by our house without calling. I helped out too ...my own mother was having issues as well. Our son moved in with her for a few years to keep an eye out, take her to appointments, fix meals, manage meds, etc. Finally, when she became too ill to manage on her own, she went into care. Enough is enough. Talk with your husband and make new arrangements. If you become ill, then what? Wishing you the best!

I am worried about the number of women who write in about caring for their inlaws. Your inlaws are the primary responsibility of your husband and his siblings; not yours. Early in our marriage, my husband and I came to an agreement that I care for mine and he is responsible for his. We both had difficult mothers that we set strong boundaries with early on, including the fact that we would not be taking care of parents in our home due to child responsibilities and very stressful careers. Our goal was to ensure that our parents were well taken care of by others in whatever way fit their lifestyle and finances and we would provide added support when needed. This is not the 1950's where women were the primary caregivers. We have jobs, children, spouses, and ourselves to care for. Start these conversations early with your spouses and parents in hopes of preventing the crisis that this woman and so many others find themselves in. VirginaMom of 5, it is time to sit down with your husband and have a frank conversation about what the caring of your FIL is doing to your marriage and family life. Discuss other options for his care outside the home and be firm in setting boundaries. There is no reason that you are obligated to personally care for him. Your husband has the obligation to discuss boundaries and options with his Dad; not you.

You aren't the one that needs to change. FIL needs to change.

Resentments wear out the mind and body and will make you sick. Persons with those character traits are miserable. Who knows what might have happened in their life that he was unable to cope with? When we expect someone to be different than they are we are setting up resentments to be born and nurtured. You can set behavior boundaries sometimes depending on the progressive level of the disease process. If he is able to talk about himself, it might let go of his frustrations but you also run the risk of escalating them. It would be good if you were able to get some relief and get out away from him on a regular basis. Home care services can be hired to come in. Observe the person from an emotional distance instead of becoming emotionally tied to his behavioral states.

This is a moment of grace that you are sharing with your FIL, husband and yourself.
This may be more for YOU than it is for him, but you have a chance to change your heart and mind to love someone who is unloveable.
You will be showing your husband ( who could also be doing this, and stepping up to help HIS father) and your children what kindness looks like. ( e.g. Think of your kids, they don't like homework, but it's something that has to be done, and isn't it better for everyone if it's done without complaining and tears?). Do the same thing with your FIL.
What a horrible challenge and what a wonderful opportunity to show love.

Giving is better than receiving. BUT
in some cases, when you truly can’t find it in your heart to caregiver, there is always the word NO.
I have a lot of days where I know my mom deserves better, but I’ll pray and do a mood change (sometimes requires a glass of wine) and I try to put myself in her shoes- or slipper socks to be more accurate.
If you really hate it, work on finding someone else for him.
My grandpa preferred another male to help him. That could be the trick.
Old people don’t want to feel like burdens and our own attitudes towards them can make it worse. Then we wonder why they are cranky.
Tackle trials with smiles.

God bless you. I just lost my Mom due to Covid-19 contracted from a skilled nursing facility that complicated her dementia issues.
My Mom and I clashed often during a 4.5+ year span after my father passed away in 2016.
We too shared love at the end of the day but I was constantly checking myself when responding to her behavior. I got better at accepting things for what they were... She wasn't clinically diagnosed with dementia until December 2020.
Make sure that you are never too hard on yourself. You have taken on a very difficult position, as you well know.
My Mom was finally diagnosed after she had called the police several times about being threatened by delusional voices from outside and then taking a fall on December 1, 2020. Her dementia was on full display to trauma center staff and then to skilled nursing facility staff.
My Mom is now at peace and I am too. She was experiencing a miserable existence and she is now free from that.
Please take care of yourself. The decisions that you make regarding your FIL will be the best that you can possibly make no matter what.
The road is filled with imperfections from all parties that will be involved.
We are only human.

Your choices are to have him move out or put up with him. He is not going to change. You could give him an ultimatum that if he does not change he is gone. He will fail it, but at least you will have given him a chance. You have your own parents to deal with.

My dear soul, never should you have taken on the burdens of bringing them into your home. You see what problems it caused. And this man is not a nice person and is most difficult and causing problems. And your husband never had a good relationship either. The man has dementia which will get worse and you are concerned about being a good and nice person? My god, what on earth do you care about that given how this man is acting (and I don't care if he has dementia - it is unacceptable no matter what or why) and what your husband endured. Don't give a second thought to being kind and good. Either you set very strong boundaries and make sure they are enforced (which might be impossible), get medications to help (which probably won't work), or place him in a facility. You and your husband do NOT owe this man anything. Place him and lead a normal life - without this man. Don't wait.

Imho, you are a STELLAR caregiver thus far, but you require respite through any means possible, e.g. Visiting Angels, a church program, et al - all hinging on the Novel Coronavirus. You may come to a time when you will have to relocate your FIL, especially with your OWN parents needing care quite soon. You simply cannot be a super human. You are the one in charge, not your FIL. Prayers sent.

You don’t, unless you’re aiming for sainthood.

My earlier answer seems to be misunderstood. You aren't doing anything wrong, it's FIL. If he remains stubborn then send him to an old folks home. He needs care that you probably don't want to provide at your own expense of sanity. This is just a situation where the person's habits are just unbearable.

I had a similar situation when my dad passed and my mom was alone, out of state, and in a home to large for her. She wanted to spend at least a year on her own to see if she could handle things by herself after 52 years of marriage, before she considered moving in with me and my family. She could not, and I knew that would be the case. She was about 76 at the time and NOT diagnosed with dementia. Same thing, I thought it would be great for the kids(her grandkids), and maybe even help me with things around the house like gardening, etc. We gave her the entire lower level like you did, including a cute kitchenette, walking out to her own patio area. She moved in, tolerated it all for about 1-2 years with us and little by little I saw her declining. Changing doctors because she didn’t want their tests (to diagnose her), trouble comprehending, using me as the battering ram, and frankly, it just became more difficult for me. She had no other place to go, cut off all ties with my only other sibling, never appreciated all the work I did online for her, driving her, finding her knew doctors, you name it. By the end of the 2 years she started creating chaos in our family, wanting her way, being hurtful to all of us, and never really helping me with anything but creating more work instead. Basically I became her personal assistant, never mind the fact I have a husband and two active children. At the end of the 2 years my husbands office moved to another state and we had to as well, like your story. Boy that was hard. We had to find a house big enough for her to stay out of our hair yet still afford it. She never gave us any $ the entire time she was with us. So, God had His hand in our situation and we found a nice home with a large room for her, sitting area to set up a TV, a walk in closet, and her own bathroom. Why couldn’t she be happy. Like most caregivers, she sucked the joy out me and I didn’t like who I became either. Her anger, defiance, selfishness, all consumed her and she didn’t feel appreciated. Of course I knew these were all signs of dementia but I could not get a doctor to assess her. Nonetheless, it was my husband who was patient, and a third party bystander. He was seeing how my personality was changing and physically how it was taking a toll on me. It was him that ‘had a talk with her’. Down here in the South we say ‘a coming to Jesus meeting’. She didn’t like how it all made her feel, but within a week, she called old friends up where she use to live out of state, and made arrangements behind my back to move out and go live with them. ??? Yes, shes almost 80 now and not as fragile as I thought. Two weeks later I’m driving her to the airport shaking my head because there’s nothing I can do, but secretly glad it’s happening. I told her if she leaves she can NOT come back. She paid that friend of hers over $500/month to live in a tiny bedroom and I guarantee she held her tongue and lived peacefully as she could. So my point in all this is, maybe it’s time for your husband, as much as he doesn’t want to be involved, steps in on your behalf and sets boundaries and/or gives the alternatives, perhaps another family members home, AL, etc. You can’t get past what results from dementia because he’s living with you and a family member- to personal. Have your husband help you get out of this as best possible to save your marriage, sanity, and recreate a peaceful happy home again. Things change, forget you did the asking. You re-evaluated the situation, now think of the changes best for you and your family. Sounds like you already did your best to no avail. Blessings!

Sounds like you have way too much on your plate.  Either speak with hubby about placing your FIL into a NH where he can get the care he needs without worrying about your mental health and possibly saying/doing something you will regret.  You can visit when allowed, use his money to find him a place (NH), speak with Elder attorney to see what can be done.  Who has POA?  but for you and your immediate family you need to take care of YOU...........find him a place.  That way he can be rude and mean all he wants at the other place and YOU won't feel guilty.  If you don't do something soon.......YOU will become ill.......will hubby step up then and help out or will you run yourself so far into the ground that you can't get up.  Sorry it might sound mean, but your FIL needs to be placed into a NH and soon.  Wishing you luck.

Your FIL is NOT your priority. Your priority is your kids. Your FIL's care rests 1000% with your husband. Time to separate. FIL goes into his own living arrangement or you take the kids and leave.

You can not erase what your past relationship with your father in law. It is in your brain forever. Even when you forgive him. This will bring you some relief. You are not a caregiver. Caregivers have a mentality that is different than yours. Your father in law also has the past in his mind and you need to quit trying to change him. It will not work. You are talking about the stress you are experiencing of just having him in your house not to mention what you need to be doing for him. This will get worse and will lead to neglect, verbal and physical abuse. Hopefully you can avoid probate when he passes. Get him out of your house. There is a senior care specialist that will help you. My years as a A.P.S. worker and a Deputy Public Guardian gives me insight for you.