Married 48 years. Husband betrayed me in our marriage in the past. We had counseling and therapy and reconciled. Now he has dementia and Parkinson's. He is 82, I am 73. I must now take care of him, manage the entire house, take over what is left of our insurance business, do all the taxes, repair things around the house, yard work. We live on s.s. and a small amount of renewal commissions from the business. He cannot keep up his insurance license because of dementia so will soon lose commission income. We have no savings because of his poor financial decisions in the past. His odd behavior now with dementia and PD drive me crazy. He will not use a walker. Has fallen 6 times, one ER visit and hospital stay where they dx the dementia and PD. I took keys away, not safe for him to drive. He resents me for that. He cannot communicate well because of dementia. Cannot do simple tasks. Pees his pants at times and sometimes poops. Very secretive. Lies to me. I cannot sleep well, have horrible anxiety. I have bad arthritis in one hip so have trouble with walking and lifting. Daughter nearby is too busy with her 3 toddlers to help. We moved across country 5 years ago to be near her and grandkids so have no friends or support here. Feel overwhelmed and depressed. Am angry, irritated and resentful at my husband. He shuffles around bent over and shrunken looking with bizarre behavior, obsessive compulsive repetitive actions. And to boot, he wants sex even though he cannot perform sexually. I get nauseated when he makes sexual gestures towards me. I am in a living nightmare.
There is lots of good, very practical advice here. There are steps you can take to get him out of your home and protect your future. Please follow the good advice here.
You moved, but can’t you call your friends or family? Even talking to a good friend can offer some relief. You need someone that you can talk to during this horrible time.
I’ll just add that if he ends up in the hospital for some reason, that is an opening to get him evaluated for placement and not allow him back home. Please talk to an elder care lawyer about separating your finances NOW to get things in place for him to be placed in a nursing home sooner rather than later. You aren’t equipped to handle this level of care at home.
Start looking at memory care or other appropriate homes immediately. They're all different. I found the perfect one for my husband, and he is comfortable there. The aides are professional and kind, and with his Stage 7 Dementia issues, he's taken care of there much better than he would be at home. That's not to say I'm not a good caregiver - I am, with lots of family caregiver experience - but his needs eventually outgrew my capabilities. You're at that stage now. There's no shame in admitting that.
Good luck, and I hope you find the perfect place.
And as you know he will only continue to get worse. If your husband has dementia along with Parkinson's it's more than likely Lewy Body dementia which is the second most aggressive dementia with a life expectancy of just 5-7 years, so his time left here on earth is shorter than most with the other dementias.
I'm hoping that you're his POA at this point as that will help you get him placed if needed. But in the meantime, make sure that he's wearing adult diapers such as Depends, which of course means that you throw away his other underwear and replace them with the Depends.
I would also get him involved in your local Adult Daycare Center, as you can have him there up to 5 days a week and 8 hours a day. They provide breakfast, lunch and a snack and offer all kinds of different fun activities for those with dementia. That will give you the much needed breaks during the day for you to take care of yourself.
Plus they can pick him up and drop him back off if that makes it easier for you too.
Of course there's a price for the daycare but it's worth every penny. And if money is an issue most daycares offer financial assistance, as does the VA if your husband is a veteran.
And of course you can start hiring some in-home help for not only your husband but for yourself as well.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through this difficult journey with your husband, but remember...you are much stronger than you know, and you will get through this.
Can you sell an insurance business? If so, do it. If he is taken to the Hospital, tell them you can no longer care for him and he needs to be transferred to a facility. He cannot come home.
Ok, but you personally do not have to do the "hands on" care.
Part of taking care of someone is to see that they get the care they need in a safe manner, in a safe location.
You can place him in a facility that can manage his care.
Please talk to an Elder Care Attorney and make sure your assets are protected. See what has to be done to apply for Medicaid if that is necessary.
And ....because I am who I am I will ask this....
Is your husband a Veteran? If so he may qualify for benefits from the VA. It could be a little or it could be a LOT. Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help you find the answers. (This may eventually help you as well)