I'm caring for MIL in my home. She has Parkinson's, dementia, and is incontinent. She is able to get around on her own to an extent with a walker if she has help. Mentally it's another story, she needs assistance with everything from meds to meals, reminding her to use the bathroom/change her Depends, and drink liquids, etc. I am tied down to the house when my husband is at work.
I am married, have a toddler, and am pregnant with my second child. It's a very rough pregnancy. My husband helps a lot when he is home, but I have absolutely zero help from the rest of his family (3 siblings). They say they "can't deal" with caring for MIL, even just for a day to give me a break. No one in his family will even let me (or him) talk when we try to have a discussion. They interrupt us, and seem to think that its my duty to do this. I've been told, "it's not any extra work for you" and "you don't do anything anyway because you are a stay-at-home mom" by his siblings.
We discussed adult daycare, but she has refused to go. (any advice on how to encourage a senior to go is much appreciated too! )
She has only been with us a few weeks. Previously was living with my sister-in-law, but that is no longer an option. Already, I feel EXTREMELY stressed out. At my latest OB appointment my previously good blood pressure and blood sugar (2 things that were issues for me in past pregnancy) were not so great. I've gone from an active healthy lifestyle to being mostly sedentary, not eating as healthy either. The smells associated with her incontinence trigger my morning sickness like you wouldn't believe.
I can't leave during the day to take my daughter to the park, or playgroup or anything. I told my husband that the sibling with medical/financial POA is going to have to pay for in-home help. So far it hasn't happened.
My husband promised his mom that she would never have to go to a home. I will add that I've helped my in-laws for 15 + years (FIL passed away a few years ago and was disabled) with absolutely no help from his siblings then either. I feel like the stress is putting my health at risk during my pregnancy. We did get a relative to agree to care for her when I have my c section later this year, but that's the only time anyone is willing to help.
Sorry this is so long. I feel like an awful person because I don't want to be a caregiver. I love my MIL. I'm a religious person, and I think there is some religious guilt going on here too for me, feeling like I need to care for others etc. I'm afraid of the changes I've seen in my health in just a few weeks of doing this, and terrified I could end up in preterm labor or some other complication from the stress. Not sure what the right thing to do is or how to communicate with a family that won't listen to what my husband or I have to say but who expect us to do all the work.
We even had one of Mom's neighbor present who helped her a lot.
This would put everyone on the same page, everyone would have the information they needed...including the bullies.
Do it. Involve the doctors.
Edit: Involving doctors takes you out of the "lazy" and selfish category.
So with the suggestions offered below, what are you willing to do? Or even consider doing?
Time is short on this, remember.
Why not "drop" MIL off at the guardian's? (Easier said than done, yes...but status quo isn't going to solve anything.)
Excellent idea. Not fool-proof BUT the pros can point out ALL the care involved...and might even lay out that your MIL needs to be elsewhere if she's to get the care she needs.
Except....
No other family members have children. Bingo.
Use that as part of the Golden Ticket.
MACinCT's story of the neighbor gave a good strategy. I would also give a deadline and be ready to stick to it. Your in-laws will probably be pissed so just know this, but they will get over it. And probably respect you more for putting up this boundary. Please don't be a doormat.
Your MIL should be the one paying for the adult day care, or extra in-home helper. DO NOT agree to any arrangement that requires you to pay for it. Eventually MIL's condition will require 24/7 care and that will be exceedingly expensive. A facility will actually be less expensive at that point. So, maybe she is transitioned now while she still can choose which one. If she can't afford it, then she should apply for Medicaid.
Who is PoA for MIL? Is it your husband? Hopefully it's one of the siblings. This would be helpful information. May you receive great wisdom, courage and peace in your heart.
Until something is decided let hubby take over ALL her duties when he comes home from work. This should be your time to relax with your toddler even if its just playing outside. He will not understand your stress until he does it alone. Use some weekend time to visit a park or get ice cream with your little one.
It will only get worse with your MIL. You cannot sacrifice your family especially the children for her care.
To start you could hire a caregiver to come in part time to assist MIL at home. Make MIL do what she can on her own. Do not baby her.
Probably best to move her to assistive living (ASL). Ask her doctor for some recommendations to start scheduling tours WITH your husband.
Let hubby schedule a come to Jesus mtg with his siblings. They need to cough up some $$ if they cannot take MIL for relief for you. Let them know ASL is the plan. You cannot care for her longer.
I still am going with the ASL living situation.
Your health, pregnancy, and general well-being are on the line here. And from the looks of it, people are going to have to be forced to step up--as in, invite people to offer solutions (not criticism) b/c the present situation is impossible to maintain, ESPECIALLY when the new baby arrives.
Make an objective list of all the responsibilities, all the care she needs. Be detailed, remain objective (so you are not accused of being selfish)--just the stone-cold hard facts about her daily needs AND how they need to be met.
This should take pages.
Your husband made a promise. Well, life is what happens when you're busy making plans. (The Universe has a way of laughing, and saying, 'Awww, aren't you precious? Here's a fly in your ointment--now what're you gonna do?')
The promise didn't include the present set of circumstances, and if he feels he must keep that promise--it will be to the detriment of his own immediate family--so he would need to force his family to help in a manner that alleviates the caregiving on your part.
You can't do this. Too much has been placed on you already.
Perhaps his mother guilted him into the promise, maybe felt like he had to promise that.
Was she the type of person who would've liked to be the burden she is now, in a growing family?
Things change. Circumstances and people change. Promises need to be evaluated in light of changes. Period.
Nothing will change unless you objectively assert yourself. Must. be. done.
While it is beneficial for kids to grow up around those needing care, the situation you describe isn't.
As for someone suggesting bringing in caregivers, I'd say not. You will still be taking care of a lot of things plus will have to train caregivers, replace them, train again, etc., all while taking care of the kids, house, husband, etc.
And I haven't even mentioned taking care of yourself, which clearly you aren't doing b/c the circumstances prevent that.
Your husband also has an allegiance to you, his kids. He's in a rock and hard place, but so are you.
There needs to be compromise. His promise isn't practical. He needs to face the hard, stone-cold facts and face his family with them.
This will get messier before it levels off.
Maybe give family a deadline. By such and such a date. Or she will have to get placed. Not b/c you don't love her but b/c it's impossible under the circumstances.
Stay objective. Remain logical.
Super-big, warm hugs to you.
The family should not be pushing the care of the MIL off on the OP who has a family and a baby on the way. That's not fair or right.
If no one wants to assume the hands-on care of the MIL, or have her living with them, they should all (the whole family) start looking for a care facility to place her in.