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Im guessing none of them has stepped up to take over care of him! Dont beat yourself up. You are doing the right thing for the right reasons. Well done for keeping going as long as you have.
j
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Dkenz72 is ABSOLUTELY right here. You are at risk here and simply must keep yourself safe. If you don’t and you get really hurt, what will happen to your husband? You might ask them that question. Are they willing to step in to care for him if you are no longer able? This may or may not be a permanent situation for hubby but it is critical to keep him as safe and comfortable as possible too. You might ask the doctor if they are willing to speak with the family directly. That might sway the family a bit. Also, your constant reassurance that this is not warehousing, you will visit and encourage THEM to visit will help. God bless!!
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It’s always easy for people not dealing with the situation 24/7 to tell you what you should or not do I know how you feel my husband needs to be placed also because of anger agitation etc. I believe with Gods guidance you have to do what is best for him and yourself . You will never please everyone . God knows your heart I am Thankful that they even have these places for our help
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Let go of guilt, and let go of the family that judges you. Bye. Bye.

I had siblings that moved out of state to avoid dealing with my parents in their elder years. They never visited them when they were younger either. My siblings continue to judge and criticize me from afar, telling me how bad a person I am and that I'm not doing enough. Wait--what? You say that to me when you are living four states away? What are you doing to help? My father glows about their phone calls saying that they have helped him out so much. He doesn't thank me. I've tolerated these super fakes for years. A lot of people lie to make themselves look better. You have to protect yourself. You deserve to be happy too.
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I answered before and you had already tried passing the care to one of the complainers and they have refused.
Don’t over complicate this. You are
in the right both legally and morally.
I would only suggest that you pay for about a (2) hour consult with a Board Certified Elder Law Attorney. Take plentyof notes and confirm the validity of your current DPOA, and ask what else you need to know with regard to records, etc for when one of the “in-laws”’or “ex-laws” or downright “outlaws” tries to mess up your life later. The Elder Law Attorney can also direct you in any legal ways to preserve your assets, both joint and individual.
Here in Texas you can file the DPOA with the County Clerk’s office where you live so that the legal existence of that document can’t be disputed.
Once done, you never have to look back or second guess yourself. You wouldn’t even have to ask these questions if you were not a good and loving spouse that was already taking care of him.
“Till death do us part” is not an idle or meaningless oath and God will see your heart and light your way.
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MargaretK
I never said this works in every State. My paralegal/notary (I think I may have left out paralegal, but they can't give "legal advice" so to speak either) was GREAT! She was able to "lead" me in the direction of every single Court obstacle I was running into. Since I'm in TX, she in AZ she did A LOT of leg work for me. She has this as a side business but she actually works for an attorney.
The reason I said they know more is because THEY DO THE LEG WORK FOR THE ATTORNEY.
Just like RNs. Ever notice on TV series that it's the nurse who brings things to the attention of the Dr?
Our daughter is an RN and she has stopped Drs from performing surgeries because the combination of drugs patient is on vs the drugs used during surgery could kill the patient. Drs don't really read your chart, the skim over it. Next time you're in the hospital watch who really knows what's in your chart and it ain't your Dr.
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GraceLPC Oct 2018
Excellent response and so very true!
Use Attorney if you have significant legal question(s)! You don't need them to fill a form with info you provide and file it.
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Please allow yourself to breathe. My husband has the sun down issue and alzheimers and I was his 24/7 caregiver. We don't have a blended family but I was worried what his sister would say. Please don't allow him to hurt you anymore. You did the right thing by calling for help. Don't be a statistic. I just had do have my husband picked up by the police/ambulance and taken to the hospital (4 days ago). Hardest thing in my life, but I feel safe now. When you meet them at the hospital, you need to say you fear for your life (most likely true). I am also his POA but didn't have a special medical POA. Luckily in my state, the spouse is automatically the medical POA. When he was home, I was insulated in my house, but have wonderful friends and my son that stood by me and knew exactly what was going on. No shame in keeping everyone informed. I did a lot of texting to notify friends and family. The social worker in each location can give you different information. One was not good information, and the next behavioral hospital has a wonderfully helpful social worker. My spouse is going to be in a group home setting because that is what his disability check will cover. Noone will ever take care of your spouse as good as you, but if he is safe and taken care of, you will be safe and that is priority. You are worth it! Take care of yourself and God bless.
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Keep it simple....it is what is Best for Him right now. They can do more to adjust medications in a few days in a hospital or 2 weeks in rehab than they can do at home. It would take months to make those adjustments at home, because of guidelines and risks if adverse effects. When there is an RN and other medical staff there 24/7, they can adjust things faster, or determine, with no emotional baggage, if his Disease has progressed to a dangerous place!

This was the Loving Thing To Do! You do not want him over medicated to a point where he has no Quality of Life, so this is what you Had To Do!

Daughter who works with Exit Care Plans for big hospital knows that Insurance won't just let you throw him in a NH for your convenience. There has to be a medical necessity! That is what you need to write her. Don't call, message or email. Then add auto reply, " I am not available at this time:
-Spending quality time with my husband.
- Making arrangements for my husband's return as soon as it is safe for him to return home.

I used to have to go across the street to talk down a neighbor who was sundowning. Knowing his core values since childhood was key. I am a Professional Mental Health Counselor, retired.

When/ If he returns, you need to get separate beds I separate rooms, a bed alarm that goes off if he gets up. Also door alarms, if you don't have them already.

I don't know how big your husband is. I would question the doctor on options other than sleeping medications. Benadryl or Melatonin at bed, on top of Seroquel might be a better option.

Final note, long after my Aunt could not recognize her son, she still recognized and remembered the tall handsome man who was always so kind when he visited. She did not realize how infrequently he was able to come, but she remembered his kindness.

Be the Kind Lady who visits, as the disease progresses,...let others do caregiving. Be there to be sure he gets the best of care!
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She1934; Holy cow .....you poor thing !!! No Way should anyone ever ever have to
Deal with this type of Alzheimer's Alone you are not capable of doing this alone there is No way !! You are a sweet loveing person to have done so much let his kids help let his kids see what their dad is capable of let one of the kids deal with dads fits of rage you have done the absolute ONLY THING THAT YOU CAN DO by putting him in a Nurseing home!! He is where he belongs !! I have learned that family members who are not as involved in their loved ones life they feel GUILTY so they place BLAME on whoever is makeing decisions ....where were the kids when dad was uncontrollable and violent?? Sounds like you are a complete Angel please know you have not done anything wrong YOU ARE RIGHT!!! I send my hugs to you !!
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I dealt with physical abuse toward me by a demented individual. What I have found is that people are so busy demonizing the victim they don't actually think of the danger to the victim. If you can get empathy, you win. Empathy requires connection between two people and social control to reinforce that connection. You have to be disruptive to what is going on to reset the adversarial relationship to one of empathy.

The reality is they are saying it is okay for you to be abused. It's not okay. And they need to think of it like they are in your shoes.

Make it scary to them. Bring them in and make them empathize and remind them that basic human norms have been violated.

One option is to use video in a public place to create a sense of deep wrongness. Get phone video of the supposedly helpless person wigging out and hurting people. It helps if people scream in the video.

Bring the video with you on a casual meet up. Ask to go for coffee and talk it out with one of the demonizers. Protip: They don't get to act out at you because there are strangers around!

Explain that you have a video you want their advice on. Play the video (one minute or less) just loudly enough so other people look concerned and maybe even whisper to the waiter. A pall of disturbed silence settling over the other guests is great to remind the demonizer that stuff is really f-ed up.

Fun phrases: "I'm not sure whether I'm being silly or not to be afraid of him, can I show you how hard he hits me? Like, just, on your arm a couple times?" Make it scary. Once they refuse? "Okay, so we agree hitting is unacceptable. Apologize to me." They hem and haw? "Okay, so hitting is acceptable. Roll up your sleeve so I get a clear shot. You don't get to say I'm the special one who deserves to be hit and you are not."
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