My parents moved close to me from 3 hours away just before I turned 50. At the time, I had one child starting college and one starting high school. In 2020, my father died during Covid lockdown in home hospice which was a terrible experience. Since then, my kids have graduated college and live very far away so it’s just me, my husband and my mother (90) locally.
I am turning 60 which has brought in a lot of self reflection. I think I’m just numb. I do have a couple of hobbies and am so fortunate to be financially secure. I know I don’t have a lot to really complain about compared to a lot of people. But I’m just so weary of caregiving. I’m an only child (please don’t reply about siblings who don’t help) and I’m the only person to call, visit, take to appointments, listen to health problems, prepare food, etc. There is no one else. But I carry all the mental load, banking load, slow walking load, health complaints, etc. We are one thing away from disaster at all times.
She thinks she is independent. I had to really force her to consider inhome PT via Medicare which she actually enjoys. This is the only help she has other than me. Why pay someone when I can just do it for her? I feel such guilt that my husband and I travel very little. I feel guilt that I don’t see my children much. Neither of my parents cared for their own parents like this. My mother used to say caring for old people is the worst thing in the world.
My parents were good parents in most ways. I was definitely encouraged to stay local for college and not expand my world. They would watch my kids when they were young for a week or so in the summer but didn’t ever offer to move near us and really help me even when one of my children required special help so I had to quit my job. I didn’t expect the help or resent the lack of help. But now I look back and see how I was primed to be a caregiver for life. I feel all used up.
If she says no, well than that's on her. But begin the backout of taking care of her. Calmly and politely, but firmly.
You mentioned "preparing food." How extensive is that? Is that daily? Sign her up for Meals on Wheels (at her expense, if there's a charge, which is pretty minimal; in some places it's free). If she complains about the quality or lack of menu choice, point out that AL has dining rooms where she can order from a menu. But you simply are not available to do her cooking anymore.
Visit less often, and limit you calls with her to once a day. If she wants to go somewhere. If there's a medical appointment you feel like you need to attend, go ahead. But if she wants to go somewhere optional, like the hair salon or shopping, say no, or let her use and Uber or taxi or the bus, if she's capable (I know at 90 maybe she's not). Otherwise, group all the errands into one outing a week that's convenient for you, and have your time to yourself the rest of the week.
And finally, plan some trips! Memorial Day is coming up. Plan something for at least the three-day weekend, or the whole week. Visit one of your children, or go to the beach, or whatever. Make a plan now, in plenty of time to tell your mother that you won't be available. If she wants, she can use an agency to pay for in-home help. Or she can sit at home alone. But she doesn't get to dictate your time anymore. Next up, the whole summer! Make plans. Maybe you want to invite someone to visit you. Once your mother sees you're serious, you can bring up the AL options again.
Keep us posted on how it's going. Honestly, you don't know how much time you and your husband have to be able to enjoy life together. I hope it's 30 or more years, but just in case it's not, make the most of it now.