My parents moved close to me from 3 hours away just before I turned 50. At the time, I had one child starting college and one starting high school. In 2020, my father died during Covid lockdown in home hospice which was a terrible experience. Since then, my kids have graduated college and live very far away so it’s just me, my husband and my mother (90) locally.
I am turning 60 which has brought in a lot of self reflection. I think I’m just numb. I do have a couple of hobbies and am so fortunate to be financially secure. I know I don’t have a lot to really complain about compared to a lot of people. But I’m just so weary of caregiving. I’m an only child (please don’t reply about siblings who don’t help) and I’m the only person to call, visit, take to appointments, listen to health problems, prepare food, etc. There is no one else. But I carry all the mental load, banking load, slow walking load, health complaints, etc. We are one thing away from disaster at all times.
She thinks she is independent. I had to really force her to consider inhome PT via Medicare which she actually enjoys. This is the only help she has other than me. Why pay someone when I can just do it for her? I feel such guilt that my husband and I travel very little. I feel guilt that I don’t see my children much. Neither of my parents cared for their own parents like this. My mother used to say caring for old people is the worst thing in the world.
My parents were good parents in most ways. I was definitely encouraged to stay local for college and not expand my world. They would watch my kids when they were young for a week or so in the summer but didn’t ever offer to move near us and really help me even when one of my children required special help so I had to quit my job. I didn’t expect the help or resent the lack of help. But now I look back and see how I was primed to be a caregiver for life. I feel all used up.
In 2020, my mom passed away at 92.5 years old. At my request, she had changed her will somewhat. The night she died, my brother and I stayed up late talking. During the course of conversation, he informed me that if I hadn't got her to change the will, he would never have spoken to me again, even though I had no input into the original will. I was flabbergasted!
The next morning we discovered that he had died during the night.
Karma has a way of balancing life.
All of this to just let you know, if you haven't been in a good relationship with your siblings already, don't expect them to change. As a matter of fact, you might want to prepare yourself for a challenge to the will. Death can be quite messy for the surviving family members.
Start planning a cruise with your husband. Start booking some weekend trips, and don't tell Mom until a week ahead. Book the trips and just GO.
"Neither of my parents cared for their own parents like this. My mother used to say caring for old people is the worst thing in the world."
When she has a fit, remind her of what she used to say about caring for old people. Remind her that she never cared for her own parents! She needs to hear it several times. You are not her unpaid slave. You made vows to your husband, not her.
I would also tell her, "What are you going to do if something happens to ME?"
Make her tell you her plan. She won't have one! The truth is, she will end up in AL /MC anyway! You need a break and your life back!!
Remember this: the time she takes from your life is time you will never get back.
At 60, you better have some fun stuff with Husband NOW....before you can't. I'd tell Mom that is the plan you and husband decided. So Mom needs to find a hired Caregiver to come in and wait on her when you are traveling. Get her to pick one, and then give your schedule.
If money isn't an issue, look into hiring a compatible companion for your mom. They don't do medical things or toileting. They can make sure she takes her meds on time. Mom's companion was with her 5 days a week, 6 hours a day. In your case you could find such a person (no need to discuss with mom) and introduce companion as a friend who goes with both of you to the necessary places. After a couple weeks, you say you have to go to your quilting (or whatever) class, and "Julie" will take mom to the mall.
This is a creative way to limit mom's hold on you and is something she might enjoy. She's probably bored being stuck in your house all the time anyway. I know I would be! You need to steer the ship in a new direction, and you're the only one who can. Good luck!
You can start someone scheduled for 4 hours a day, 5 days a week.
I also outsourced Mom's bill paying to a CPA firm. This was really inexpensive and took a load off of me. I think this is the easiest task to outsource.
Book vacations to see your kids.
Book a 2 week cruise for you and your husband.
What impressed me most was your honesty and self-awareness. Even through the exhaustion, I can see how deeply you care. The love and commitment you’ve shown your family for so many years speak to the kind of person you are. Sometimes the strongest and most compassionate people are the ones who quietly give until they have very little left for themselves.
I don’t have all the answers to burnout, but I wanted to tell you that your feelings are understandable, and your efforts matter more than you may realize. Your mother is fortunate to have someone with such a caring heart. You seem like one of those rare people whose kindness often goes unnoticed because they’re too busy taking care of everyone else.
Thank you for sharing your storyyy