Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I have been caring for my father for 4 years. He's living in my home with age-related decline, depression, diabetes, heart disease, incontinence, stroke, urinary tract infection, and vision problems.
Though it sounds counterintuitive the best way I know to get past it is to forgive. None of us can expect people to be who they aren’t. I spent years upset over a sibling before fully realizing I couldn’t change someone else or their behavior, the only one I can change is me. We’re on speaking terms now, it’s a shallow relationship with many topics we don’t touch, but it beats the tension and anger by far. The forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for you, it allows you to let it go and move forward in peace
Good answer. If you keep banging your head against a brick wall, no matter who is watching, you are the only one getting the headache. It's not easy to avoid the feelings you get when no one will step forward, or even outright tells you no, but if you dwell on it each day it just makes your current tasks even harder. You can't change someone who sees no issue with their actions...not sure who said that, but very true.
I'm a little confused with your question. I'm not sure if you phrased it right. Are you saying that both your father and you are not well and no one will help? I am going to answer this question from my experience. I can honestly say that I have been given both good and bad advice on this forum. I take in everything and weigh it in my mind. My particular situation is being dual power of attorney with my sister. I was the one who recognized that mom had problems 4 years ago. I immediately started journaling and talking to doctors. My step father passed away during this process and I had to become mother's full-time caregiver. I took over all of her medical care, the cooking, her hygiene, doctor's appointments, maintenance of the house inside and out (and it's a very big house.) We also put cameras in her home so that I could watch her when I wasn't there. It has been difficult because my sister, who only lives 10 minutes away, only visited every two weeks. She would only occasionally ask how my mother was doing and was uninvolved in any kind of daily care , cleaning, yard work, doctor visits Etc. Now mother is in a nursing home and she has become very involved because we have to sell her belongings and the house. She comes down and starts claiming an abundance of expensive items of my mother's. When I explained to her the proper way to handle things she did not like it. We ended up having a meeting with the attorney who told her the legal way to handle things. She stomped out of the meeting. She is 100% involved in claiming what she wants. It is extremely frustrating because of all of the mental and physical drain this has all taken on me. It is my understanding that there is at least one sibling in every family who is like this. I have received a lot of advice, but the one that sticks out in my mind,is that I will simply have to let it go. The sibling is not going to change. There is nothing I can do other than make decisions in the best interest of my mother. Am I bitter? Yes. The advice is to let it go. Do what needs to be done and walk away. If that means that you have to disconnect from that sibling then you do what is best for your own Mental Health. If you have health issues of your own, and are unable to take care of your loved one, then you need to start taking steps to find them a nursing home or assisted Care Facility. Most of us on this forum are in our 50s. This kind of stress takes a huge toll on our bodies both mentally and physically. We have to take care of ourselves. Many of us have children and grandchildren that we would like to enjoy. We are not professionals, we are loved ones. The professionals know exactly how to handle our loved ones and are able to separate the emotional aspect. Please consider this if you have health issues. It is okay to walk away from caregiving in order to care for yourself. I absolutely wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you a long healthy life.
Caroline, you can't pick your family. Also, anger is caused by an unmet expectation. If you had an unspoken expectation that they would help and they didn't...then there's anger. If you did ask them and they declined to help, that is their prerogative — they are not obligated to do so. I realize it seems incomprehensible for them to be this way. It is so so so disappointing. Please just make sure you are taking care of yourself first and foremost. Your dad is very young and IMHO it would be better to transition him to AL so that he can get all the medical help he needs and have a richer social life -- and so can you. Because he is living with you I think your siblings think you've "got things covered". I'm positive they have no idea what caregiving entails. I've done some passive-aggressive educating of my family in the past: I typed up an email "log" of what I did with and for my LO that day. Unemotional, no commentary, just an "update". Of every little thing. Then I emailed it to everyone. I did this every day. Yes, they had no idea what caring for my MIL entailed. Even if they ask "why are you sending me this?" just say politely so that everyone knows what's going on with dad since he's everyone's dad and not just yours.
Also I'm hoping your dad has all his legal ducks in a row: assigned you as durable PoA, created a living will, healthcare directive, will, or trust, etc. He MUST have this in order or later on it could get very messy and unnecessarily so. I wish you all the best and lots of good times with your dad.
I do understand how you feel. On a somewhat similar note, my husband has a large family. In the past, whenever any of them needed help, it seemed like he, and by association, I, were first on the scene. But, for the past 7 years, he has been disabled. He worked at the family business and when he began to “lose it”, instead of getting him help, they fired him. None of them has ever offered help. None of them has ever called me to ask if I needed help or even wanted to go out for coffee for respite from caring for him. They visited him in rehab once.
So, how have I handled this? By myself. I count on no one for help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t WANT their help. Don’t do me any favors, you know? Live in your $400,000 condo, travel the world and don’t worry about your brother and me. I’ll let you know when he passes away, and you can ignore me then, too. Yes, I internalize the anger I feel. But it doesn’t change the fact that whatever needs to be done is up to me. I simply just deal. You can’t force people to do what they don’t want to do.
I was in your shoes. I had my mom for 15 years in my home. It’s a long messy story. Anyway, I burned out. Mom is now with my brother and sister in law. I was like Ahmijoy, I internalized it also. Then the cork came off! I had so much bottled up that I exploded.
I had to go no contact in order to survive. Do I miss my family? That’s hard to say if I were to be really honest. I miss the idea of having a family. I don’t miss the agony. I feel relief.
You are perfectly normal to feel as you do. Don’t bottle it up like I did. Honor your feelings. There isn’t a right or wrong way to feel. We all process things differently. Don’t compare yourself to others too much. We are individuals and you need to figure out what works for you. The anxiety, depression, anger and resentment was killing me. I needed help. I was doing everything alone for so long.
I love this forum. I received great advice. There are various opinions though and that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I did benefit from one on one therapy to help reach important decisions.
Go speak to someone. I ended up in therapy. I should have gone sooner than I did.
My mom pitted us against each other. My brothers and I were not all that close so I was used to them not being involved. It was the awful criticism when my mom stirred the pot if she didn’t get her way.
I don’t know your specific details and it’s none of my business. Whatever is going on, I sincerely hope things improve somehow, some way for you. Best wishes.
Caroline most Caregivers find themselves in the same circumstances as you since the Caregivng usually falls on the one Family Member. You have a kind heart and you are very loyal and loving, and obviously your Siblings are very different. The only way you can find peace and joy in your heart is to let it go and accept Life as it is. This will end eventually and in your heart you will feel a great peace. That is all that matters is knowing you did right by your Father. Consider getting Restbite Care for Your Father which would give you a two week rest, also consider hiring in help another Carer to give you some free time off.
Yes let it go, but that includes harboring any anger as it only impacts you, not them! I had this issue, and started to write an email to each brother, pointing out the issues, edited them a few times and there they sit in my draft folder. I didn't bother sending them, as like the anger, it wouldn't impact them. It would just likely make THEM angry (not a bad thing!) and lash out at me, blaming me for it all, so it wasn't worth it. I was just able to express myself and then work on letting it all go. We can't make them step up and we can't change them, so better to redirect the time and energy spent on anger to taking care of yourself and your LO!
I’ll tell you how I got past it. I am the third of 4 children and the only girl. I have been caring for both my parents for the past 6 years. My mother, who did most of Dad’s care passed away last May. I had the whole kit and kaboodle alone. My brothers visited every other month for 2 hours and got fed. I went to Mom and Dad’s house every single day for 5 years. I was so bitter for the first two years and then I realized that I will have not one regret when my parents pass. My brothers, however, have already voiced to me that they have regrets not seeing Mom more before her passing. I will know that I can sleep at night because I have done everything I can to give them a good life’s end. God bless you and keep you strong.
I am in a similar situation also. I have been taking care of my mother for 4 years and when she fell in January 2019 and her doctor told me that she couldn’t be left alone anymore. She has dementia and not to soon after that one of my sisters decided that we needed a family meeting where we decided to come up with a schedule to share the caregiving duties. Well that didn’t last but a couple weeks when my other 4 siblings didn’t show up when they had volunteered to help. I was told by one of the sensible siblings to hire a caregiver that could help me and it has given time to do the grocery shopping and to visit my therapist and other doctors appts. I have found that a couple of the siblings were stealing different items from my mother’s house while they were here and helping themselves to the bank statements. I was accused of stealing my mother’s money. While they are out taking vacations, going out to dinner, enjoying life, and seeing their friends, I am here every night ready to take care of our mother at no cost to anyone. I have been used and abused and I’m sure they will be waiting for their part of the inheritance. I hope they are happy with themselves. It must be a wonderful thing to be so greedy.
You must be exhausted ! It sounds as if your father belongs in Assisted Living - too much for one person.I was an RN for 30 years.Your siblings sound selfish and so don't waste energy on them.Get your father into a Home before you get sick ! May God help you with your burdens !
Sadexecutor’s response is a good one. It also points up a critical problem: the basic unavailability of support for caregiving. Historically. this has been women’s work, which means it 1. doesn’t pay, and 2. Is considered menial. My oppressively conventional Mother expected everything of me & nothing of her 2 sons. And it’s much worse in cultures other than our own. Slowly - much too slowly- we are beginning to face the reality that “unpaid” “women’s” work is everybody’s work: if mom & pop both work outside the home, then they BOTH do their share in the home. This is a hard won battle that isn’t over yet. We have to win that “war.” Additionally, it must be recognized that ONE person can and should NOT do it all. We all have a right to a life, even if our elderly need help & care. We need to push for further resources; affordable caregiving that supplements what we can/ should do. Medicare & Medicaid need to be expanded to provide these necessities. In an overpopulated world, government must play a role and provide this help - more than is available now. Lastly, we who have had this responsibility dumped on us must learn to say no and draw the line. Often aging parents want a particular child to do everything; this is neither realistic nor doable, even. I wish you luck: I’ve been there and survived, but not without a toll on my mental & physical health. Things are changing; I hope they will in time for you!
One more addition to your post, before they come out of the woodwork - to those who say we should manage this ourselves, like they did 'back in the day':
1. We are not living in 'back in the day' 2. Many of us *must* work, not just do work 3. Some of us are not physically capable of the care-giving needed 4. Since many are living longer, those of us falling into this care-giving role are now seniors ourselves!
My dad's younger brother lived with his mother until she passed away.
My mother and her sisters took turns having their mother live with them, many months at a time. My parents were probably in their 50's at the time, and my grandmother was mobile with no dementia. She was EASY to care for! She was gone before my parents retired and they had a LONG and WONDERFUL retirement together!!!
About the time I realized my mother was starting down the dementia path, she was still living in her own condo and could *mostly* functional, but I was still working then. Both brothers were also working, one not local. I had to take on some duties, esp when we took her car away. Not too long after, I was laid off my job. Sure, it gave me more time to help, but it was costly and with no income, plus 1.5 hrs each way to her place, yeah, fun.
For a variety of reasons (age, physical ability, etc) there is no way I could physically care for my mother. BOTH brothers, when they found out the cost of care during first AL tour, said for that amount THEY would take her in!!! YB is still under retirement age, so he wouldn't be there all day and OB is NOT someone you would want to care for your dog while you are away!
So, the best solution was putting her savings to work, finding the nicest place near to where I live and move on from there. OB will likely never visit again (it's been almost 2 years since he was last here, and he "didn't know what to do with her" when he did visit!) I really don't think YB visits much, if at all. Mom doesn't even ask about either one now, but still knows who I am! When I texted him to say today might be the last chance for a visit as they will likely order restricting visitors tomorrow, his reply was he was back and forth about it, thinking perhaps he might have the virus... well, we've been hearing about this for WEEKS - did you not consider visiting back then???? AND you think EITHER of these two should be mom's primary care-givers?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Now mother is in a nursing home and she has become very involved because we have to sell her belongings and the house. She comes down and starts claiming an abundance of expensive items of my mother's. When I explained to her the proper way to handle things she did not like it. We ended up having a meeting with the attorney who told her the legal way to handle things. She stomped out of the meeting.
She is 100% involved in claiming what she wants. It is extremely frustrating because of all of the mental and physical drain this has all taken on me.
It is my understanding that there is at least one sibling in every family who is like this. I have received a lot of advice, but the one that sticks out in my mind,is that I will simply have to let it go. The sibling is not going to change. There is nothing I can do other than make decisions in the best interest of my mother. Am I bitter? Yes. The advice is to let it go. Do what needs to be done and walk away. If that means that you have to disconnect from that sibling then you do what is best for your own Mental Health.
If you have health issues of your own, and are unable to take care of your loved one, then you need to start taking steps to find them a nursing home or assisted Care Facility. Most of us on this forum are in our 50s. This kind of stress takes a huge toll on our bodies both mentally and physically. We have to take care of ourselves. Many of us have children and grandchildren that we would like to enjoy. We are not professionals, we are loved ones. The professionals know exactly how to handle our loved ones and are able to separate the emotional aspect. Please consider this if you have health issues. It is okay to walk away from caregiving in order to care for yourself. I absolutely wish you well. I wish you peace. I wish you a long healthy life.
Their case was different, but shares aspects. My response to Daughterof1930 covers the anger issues (been there, done that!)
Also I'm hoping your dad has all his legal ducks in a row: assigned you as durable PoA, created a living will, healthcare directive, will, or trust, etc. He MUST have this in order or later on it could get very messy and unnecessarily so. I wish you all the best and lots of good times with your dad.
So, how have I handled this? By myself. I count on no one for help. I don’t ask for help. I don’t WANT their help. Don’t do me any favors, you know? Live in your $400,000 condo, travel the world and don’t worry about your brother and me. I’ll let you know when he passes away, and you can ignore me then, too. Yes, I internalize the anger I feel. But it doesn’t change the fact that whatever needs to be done is up to me. I simply just deal. You can’t force people to do what they don’t want to do.
I had to go no contact in order to survive. Do I miss my family? That’s hard to say if I were to be really honest. I miss the idea of having a family. I don’t miss the agony. I feel relief.
You are perfectly normal to feel as you do. Don’t bottle it up like I did. Honor your feelings. There isn’t a right or wrong way to feel. We all process things differently. Don’t compare yourself to others too much. We are individuals and you need to figure out what works for you. The anxiety, depression, anger and resentment was killing me. I needed help. I was doing everything alone for so long.
I love this forum. I received great advice. There are various opinions though and that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I did benefit from one on one therapy to help reach important decisions.
Go speak to someone. I ended up in therapy. I should have gone sooner than I did.
My mom pitted us against each other. My brothers and I were not all that close so I was used to them not being involved. It was the awful criticism when my mom stirred the pot if she didn’t get her way.
I don’t know your specific details and it’s none of my business. Whatever is going on, I sincerely hope things improve somehow, some way for you. Best wishes.
Slowly - much too slowly- we are beginning to face the reality that “unpaid” “women’s” work is everybody’s work: if mom & pop both work outside the home, then they BOTH do their share in the home. This is a hard won battle that isn’t over yet. We have to win that “war.”
Additionally, it must be recognized that ONE person can and should
NOT do it all. We all have a right to a life, even if our elderly need help & care. We need to push for further resources; affordable caregiving that supplements what we can/ should do. Medicare & Medicaid need to be expanded to provide these necessities. In an overpopulated world, government must play a role and provide this help - more than is available now.
Lastly, we who have had this responsibility dumped on us must learn to say no and draw the line. Often aging parents want a particular child to do everything; this is neither realistic nor doable, even.
I wish you luck: I’ve been there and survived, but not without a toll on my mental & physical health.
Things are changing; I hope they will in time for you!
1. We are not living in 'back in the day'
2. Many of us *must* work, not just do work
3. Some of us are not physically capable of the care-giving needed
4. Since many are living longer, those of us falling into this care-giving role are now seniors ourselves!
My dad's younger brother lived with his mother until she passed away.
My mother and her sisters took turns having their mother live with them, many months at a time. My parents were probably in their 50's at the time, and my grandmother was mobile with no dementia. She was EASY to care for! She was gone before my parents retired and they had a LONG and WONDERFUL retirement together!!!
About the time I realized my mother was starting down the dementia path, she was still living in her own condo and could *mostly* functional, but I was still working then. Both brothers were also working, one not local. I had to take on some duties, esp when we took her car away. Not too long after, I was laid off my job. Sure, it gave me more time to help, but it was costly and with no income, plus 1.5 hrs each way to her place, yeah, fun.
For a variety of reasons (age, physical ability, etc) there is no way I could physically care for my mother. BOTH brothers, when they found out the cost of care during first AL tour, said for that amount THEY would take her in!!! YB is still under retirement age, so he wouldn't be there all day and OB is NOT someone you would want to care for your dog while you are away!
So, the best solution was putting her savings to work, finding the nicest place near to where I live and move on from there. OB will likely never visit again (it's been almost 2 years since he was last here, and he "didn't know what to do with her" when he did visit!) I really don't think YB visits much, if at all. Mom doesn't even ask about either one now, but still knows who I am! When I texted him to say today might be the last chance for a visit as they will likely order restricting visitors tomorrow, his reply was he was back and forth about it, thinking perhaps he might have the virus... well, we've been hearing about this for WEEKS - did you not consider visiting back then???? AND you think EITHER of these two should be mom's primary care-givers?
So, the holier-than-thou crowd, FLUFF OFF! =^..^=