How do I get the ball rolling on getting my MIL out of our house and into assisted living?

I appreciated reading that you and your husband are a team. I think that's great and I don't agree with the comments saying you should leave. Unfortunately as a team, you've taken on too much and I think your husband also realizes this - if not has already admitted it. I am also in a great marriage and my husband and I are often referred to as a power team. He's my best friend and I would never abandon him. That being said, if I was in your situation, I would keep nudging your husband to see reality. Maybe he already is. Work together to tell the rest of the family that caring for Mom is not sustainable. Talk to Mom's doctor and tell them what's going on - that you and your husband can't handle her care and that you need them to (1) recommend a nursing facility, (2) suggest resources to finance a nursing facility and (3) have your back when MIL and family freak out. If that works - tell MIL and the rest of the family that her doctor told them to move her to a nursing home. That social services could forcibly remove her from the home, so your hands are tied and she's gotta move. I recommend writing it in letter or email. Tell them that you and your husband will be moving her to a nursing home as soon as you figure out finances - end of story. Even if you have to contribute $500 a month to your MIL nursing home -that's better than having her ruin your home, career, and marriage. If Mom bulks and throws a tantrum, tell your husband you're willing to be the bad guy with his Mom. See what he thinks. He might need you to do this and he might appreciate that you do. Give Mom 2 options: 1) We can start looking at nursing facilities together and you can choose one - or - 2) Husband and I will start looking at nursing facilities and husband and I will choose one. We are not abandoning you, but the doctor said you need more care then what we can provide.

Unfortunately, you have made it easy for everyone by dressing her, making her meals, and taking her to appointments. When you stop doing it and tell your husband that he needs to go help her get dressed, or whatever, it will probably change very quick. If not, just take her home again. Sounds like her husband is happy to have her gone.

Start small and slowly but surely stop doing as much as you are doing.

"I feel bad that I don't want this situation." With all due respect, that's the problem. While you 'feel bad' you will keep doing. Change your narrative. Do you really think you should be feeling bad? You say you feel trapped and I can most definitely understand that feeling but it is up to you to stop feeling trapped, no one else can do this for you. Pointing the finger at others will keep you in victim mentality. If you start to change and stop doing so much and are brave enough to ask her to leave (for your own sanity) some won't like that...so what! Do you need them to approve of what you want? If so , why?
I was brought up to put OTHERS first always, especially parents. (This comes from very narcissistic mum btw). I sense my unpopularity with my family (mum/dad/siblings/nieces) very much so. So be it.Whilst this doesn't feel nice, I understand why they think this way and I know its not personal...ultimately.
Its difficult to change a conditioned narrative but in actual fact are you actually being loving and kind if you are doing something for someone else and resenting it?? Good luck.

Seems like the "crisis" caregiving has now become "what's normal" in your household. Seems you are bearing the majority of the caregiving and that you do not want to do this. Seems your MIL needs 24/7 care with somebody present at all times. Tell your spouse that you and he could be charged with criminal neglect since neither of you can be with her all the time. Get her sitters or into an adult day care program until you can get her into a facility.

Let your spouse know what you can do -within reason - to care for your MIL while she is with you. Let him know what things he will have to do or get others to do. Stick to a reasonable plan.

When my grandmother lived with us she would have accidents and was ruining our furniture and rugs. We all complained to my parents and they had their meeting. They decided that if they did not do something then they would have to deal with this. So they day that Grandma had to be taken I went with and my Grandmother cried but you know what... she made a friend and was soooo happy after that. I had a friend that when it was time to transfer his MIL to a home while he took her for a ride, he hired people to move her furniture from her house to the AL and she was not happy cursed him until the day she died but it was in the best interest of her and his family.
Prayers for you and yours.

Let yoiur husband take care of this, Let him clean up after her. Go to a movie or library and make believe she is not there. Of course, you can always get a job. and be out of the house.

You want to know how to get started. I had to push my brother. After mom had a medicine mishap, I got him to visit an ALF. Still wouldn't budge. I then got him to take mom to a geriatric Dr which we had been discussing for 3 yrs at that time. They gave him a social worker and info to get started. He didn't do. I then called the Dr. Got social worker and info. Told my bro the Dr recommended ALF the sooner the better to get any benefit from the care. So it took time for him to catch up. But you're already past this point. You gave it time. You see the situation for what it is. Now time to do.

Get a geriatric Dr to evaluate and do a recommendation, get an advisor to help pick a place. Dad's home situation is not going to be good enough fast enough. You don't have to be an extreme hoarder like on TV to have a real problem.

Money is an issue. Use resources from the social worker (from the Dr) to figure it out. Get on waiting list but go beyond your county too. The advisor should be able to find places you might not know about. My mom just went to a MC over the state line that will take Medicaid (and is not a skilled nursing home) which we did not have in our area. Yet, she is 20 min from me and 10 min from my bro. Also my mom was actually much worse than we realized while at home. Quite possibly your LO will qualify for help based on her care needs being higher.

Your husband is the answer to all of your questions. This is his mom, this is his family and he needs to grow a pair and start talking to his mom and dad about next steps and deadlines.

He knew when he moved her in that you would be the one taking on her care. Is it possible for you to stay somewhere for a while? Let him take on the responsibilities of his mom and I bet he changes his tune and makes her moving out a priority. Men respond more to actions than they do words.....

Take the bull by the hand , google care advisors, they are sort of a realtor… you don’t get charged… paid by placement facility. They know cost ,amenities, openings etc… get someone local.

my SIL, And BIL were too busy fighting… I just did it…

It is unclear to me whether the "pet" came with Mom to your house or not. To get the ball rolling, you first need to get your husband to agree that his Mom and/or the "pet" should not be living in your house any longer.

Are you at the point where MIL has to move out? If your husband and FIL got people to help with the care of MIL in your house and helped you with housework, will that be okay?

Your husband is the one who has to talk to his family members to relieve you of the load you are under. In my state, there are facilities where you pay by the month. There are also respite programs.

I'd start with getting the "pet" out of the house, if it came with her. If Mom goes to managed care, she probably won't be able to take the "pet" with her, especially if it has accidents. You can get a caregiver for the Mom and they will clean up the Mom's accidents, however, they will not clean up the "pet's" accidents.

If you are willing to assist and your husband agrees with it, I suggest that you find out what is going on with FIL's house. Maybe he needs a professional restorer (look for restoration services) to help him clean up the "filth". Maybe he needs some help going through and getting rid of the junk. Maybe he just needs someone to keep him going while doing these things. Regardless of whether Mom moves back or not, someone will still need to do these things to the house.

Depending upon how attached your FIL is to the material goods, this could take a while. So your husband needs to figure out what to do with Mom in the meantime. Hire 24 x 7 caregiver? Put her in a month-to-month living center? Hire caregiver for nights and a housekeeper? They are not easy decisions. Work with him on these decisions.

If you can't get your husband to budge, I'd suggest professional therapy for you and your husband. Your marriage and the upbringing of your teenage son is at a crossroad.

My prayers are with you.

NDDIL1: It is imperative that your MIL be placed in an assisted living facility, else you drop over from exhaustion. I don't know whose plan it was to have your MIL move in, but from all intents and purposes, it looks like YOU were set up. Tell your husband that the plan is to move HIS mother into XX assisted living facility in a predetermined number of days.

Leave your husband more in charge of her - if you can. Right now, this living arrangement is working for her immediate family because it works and they don't have to exert much energy. Instead of voicing an opinion, get everyone on a group phone call and ask them all to bring a calendar to the call. Then ask each one, hubby included, to fill in the blanks on what days and times they can be there, in person, to help mom. This may mean they have to hire someone to cover a shift if they don't plan to do it themselves. Or use mom's money to hire in-home care. If there is a doctor appointment - send all an mail with day and time and ask them to 'reply to all' on who will handle the appt. Do the same on days you will handle it, so they see you didn't step out of the picture totally.

FIL isn't making substantial progress - discuss with the group. Explain where the the problems are (ie - carpet needs thorough cleaning due to pet stains, stacked/junk sitting around needs to be organized, once house is clean by the group participating - a housekeeper needs to be hired to help them keep it straight). If the house doesn't get decluttered or cleaned, mom cannot go there. Again, this clean up can be handled by a house cleaning service if mom has money or if family willing to pay. Since you are inquiring about AL facilities, I assume there is money for that since Medicaid usually doesn't pay for that level of care in most states. Medicare doesn't, for sure.

If no one will step up to the plate to help you and to help them get house in order, then one more phone call with all of them where you tell them you will not carry the full load...and since they have not committed to helping, it is time to visit some facilities for her to move to. AL is probably not going to be one of your options because the name implies what they provide - assisted. Meaning mom can take care of her self with little effort from paid staff. Still no commitment on visiting some facilities???? Then you go do the visit yourself. Find a couple that seem to be decent (preferably one that handles her current needs and then has an area for her to transfer to when her needs go beyond that).

You're going to have to be unavailable more than you are available to get their attention and to light the fire under them.

Sorry to be brief here but who could possibly want this situation! Why should you feel bad about that? She has taken your home and your previous hopefully positive home life and made you hostage. Why is it up to you to do everything for her?

My husband and I are both only children. Our mothers were widowed and divorced. When it came time that they no longer could manage living on their own they went into AL. They came to accept it. We visited, took them out when feasible, brought them to our house etc. We just did not turn our lives upside down. I hope you can impress upon your husband (who should already realize this) that you cannot continue to be the doormat they have turned you into.

Take her to her next appointment and then drop her off where her husband is. He has had enough time to make it livable. Your son and husband will applaud you, maybe silently but applaud they will.

With this present situation what exactly are you contacting the attorney about? I am assuming the obvious that there is no POA involved. If the FIL is in somewhat better shape can your husband approach him about that?

I agree with the others. This is a hopeless situation that should not continue and your husband should agree with you on that. I also think that your MIL may be past the point of going to AL and may need SN. Either way she will have to be evaluated.

My son was married a week ago. Even though we didn't have the major obligations we still had ones and there were many issues to deal with. At times it became exhausting. I deal with a mother in SN. The past month had many stressful situations with her as well. I can't imagine having her in my house generally let alone at a time preparing for a wedding.

My mother is basically kind hearted but she is now completely immobile and incontinent. My husband and I have our hands full enough with our health issues as well as visiting 3 children ( 2 with grandchildren and another on the way ) and helping them at times. Our home cannot become a SN center. Neither should yours but you need to take action now and if you are not granted POA then take her back to her house and attempt to reclaim your lives.

I just walked into this conversation, and agree with pretty much all the advice about the parents.
We're caring for my 87YO stepdad, who married my mom (she died 3 years ago) when I was about 40, so never really got to know him and he needs care due to dementia. My husband was taking his side and acting like the stepdad's feelings are the only ones that mattered, and that just isn't a good way to stay married.
Hubby is a great guy who is caring and not easily stressed. I was very resentful that I had to suddenly give up my life, big house, and freedom to care for someone who didn't appreciate it. He can't because the dementia means, well, he CAN'T understand. But Hubby knew.
I finally had to give him a taste of what it would be like if he didn't want to take my feelings, and our relationship into consideration, and just knew I couldn't live like that anymore. It hurt horribly.
I went to our room (not even a whole bedroom), packed a small amount of clothes and some meds, and didn't tell anyone. About an hour up the road I texted that I was going to stay with a friend who lives 3 hours away with poor cell service in the area.
I couldn't take it any more, and I don't want you to get to that point. You have to take care of YOU or you have nothing to give anyone else, including that teenager in your house. Show him how a strong woman handles being trampled on, and let him know it's not ok!
It's a hard conversation to have, but if you don't want to be miserable and jobless, you NEED to have it. Make it clear that MIL needs more care than you can give. I ended up with my dr upping my blood pressure meds to FOUR times what it had been, and told hubby the situation can literally kill me if it doesn't get better. I'm not dying for this guy, and you shouldn't be expected to either.
Best of luck and I pray for your health, because it's clear nobody else has thought about what it's doing to yours.

@NDDIL1, 
So many red flags waving from your words, even if you don't realize it. My take-away from all you've written is that you are cheating both your kids out of a good relationship with YOU. 

Get rid of MIL today, she has a home and a husband and a daughter, plus your husband who is her son. Let them sort this out from HER home, not from YOUR home. 

1. You wrote "My daughter is getting married in about a month. I don't have my dress yet." How does your daughter feel about the reality that her mom is dramatically involved with MIL rather than excitedly and lovingly helping the bride-to-be? If I were your daughter i would be terribly hurt that I come second (or even farther down the list) to MIL. 

2. "I'm nearly out of PTO at work." So in the lead-up to daughter's wedding you might not be able to help her at all since you won't have any personal time left? Nice.

3. Your job: you mention you and husband are "...late for work most days" due to these new obligations caretaking for your MIL. How long can you even keep your paying job if you show up late most days? If I were your workmate I would be fed up and angry that I unfairly have to pull your weight when you mosey in to work late daily because MIL demands your attention. And if I were your boss, I would have already placed you on a PIP, warning that if you don't rectify this immediately you will be fired for cause. So, in actuality you might not need to worry about using up your PTO from point #2, since you might soon be unemployed and thus have plenty of time to care for MIL. 

4. Regarding your son: "is there a lesson here on how to treat others, a way of modeling being kind to others to my son?" You are modeling perfectly to your innocent son that neither he nor you matter at all, only MIL matters and that everyone's life needs to revolve around her selfish insistence to be cared for at your house. He is learning the eye-opening lesson that he doesn't matter so much to you, and you've even mentioned concerns about money. How lovely that money you may have earmarked to help him get a good start in life will instead be soaked up by MIL's selfish wants and needs, which are apparently paramount in your extended family. That's the lesson you are modeling for your son, and if you don't see that, I feel sorry for your boy.

5. "SIL came over last night with a big box of my MIL clothes and just hung them in the closet." Pack those clothes up right now. Put them in your husband's car and tell him TODAY, not in a month, to take the box and his mother back to her own home. The whole family of MIL expects you to just roll over and play dead, then give up and become the permanent feces-clean-up personal assistant and maid and medical-appointment driver and cook and housekeeper to MIL. Thats what you are right now, and SIL and MIL and FIL have no intention of changing the dynamics to help you. 

6. You mention that when you get home you try to steel yourself by first crying in the garage, and/or guzzling beer before heading inside the house to start tending to selfish MIL once again. This is so unhealthy and unfair mentally and physically for you.

In conclusion, for every day you let this situation continue, you are dumping on your daughter, your son, your job, and on yourself. All of you deserve better than what you are getting right now. Please save yourself and your nuclear family NOW! 

I send good wishes to your daughter, I know she will be a beautiful bride, and she deserves a happy healthy smiling mother in the wedding photos with her, not an exhausted worn-out red-rimmed crying-eyed woman who had to guzzle beer to get through the day. Please save yourself and your nuclear family NOW!

My mom was in a wonderful Atria facility in Westchester. It was terrific. Not cheap, but that's what mom saved her money for.

I’m truly surprised that pt and ot have not said she needs long term care. They should be in touch with her dr and letting him know how she is doing and the dr should see in the reports that she needs ltc. When my dad was at home he had pt,ot,speech therapy (it’s just not for speech they do other things) and a nurse everyone but the nurse came twice a week the nurse came once and he also had a bath aide. They were all in touch with his dr and the day before the last time he was hospitalized the dr had called my sister and told her he needed long term care. As hard as it is your husband and his family need to realize this is what she needs. If nothing else you can get a hold of your state social services and they will come and investigate and tell them what needs to be done and if they don’t do it they will be forced to take immediate action. This is not fair to you and everyone needs to realize this even your MIL and she also needs to realize that she can’t go home because of the living conditions and if you get the state involved they won’t let her go home. Like everyone else has said give them a deadline and they need to start looking for long term care now. It’s not easy to find openings all the time and depending on the financial situation you may have to get Medicaid involved and a lot of nh won’t take you unless you have been approved for Medicaid up front. If they have money then they will have to do a division of assets and depending on how much they may have to pay until your MIL part of money runs out before Medicaid will pay. Plus if she is on ss the nursing home will take all of her ss ck except for a very little bit in Mo it’s $40.00 and that’s to give them money for personal items. I’m with you for getting her in a place where she can get 24/7 care unfortunately; it is not as easy as just finding a nh and see if they have openings and finding one you feel is a good one for her and meets all the criteria you want her to have but it is a finical problem too. I know it was going to cost $8,000.00 a month to keep my dad in the nh and $20,000 a month for 24/7 care at home. So I would tell them they better get on it asap and if they don’t you will be walking out. I wish you the best I know it’s not easy when you have to deal with family.

You have no idea how horrible some of these assisted living care places can be. The amount of neglect and abuse is off the charts!!! You can not just dump someone into one. Think how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

NDDIL - This seems to be an issue that you and your husband have not spent a lot of time on discussing, for whatever reason. If you are too emotionally weak to do it, sit your husband down somewhere (just the two of you) and make him read this entire conversation. If after reading all of our opinions and your responses, he doesn't agree to do something immediately, it's time for the ultimatum. And the excuse that you won't threaten something that you won't do doesn't cut it. If the situation goes on much longer, it won't be a threat - it will be reality.

Adult Protective Services - ask for a welfare check and placement evaluation. You're no longer available for the insanity, so she needs professional assistance.

By taking her to appointments, assisting her etc your actually the key person who is keeping this comfortable for them, but your not comfortable with it. If you inform your husband your no longer available to help her they will have to pick up the care one way or another.

It is a difficult situation. This will not be your case but I was begging for help for months before I finally got her in a safe place. It took a fall and a broken hip then I had to tell the rehab center that she couldn't come back to the house because I couldn't take care of her. It was too much for me. The hardest thing I have ever done but I had to for my own health. Unfortunately, it was too late for my health don't let it happen to you.

NDDIL—
Your MIL is wrecking your home and your family life. Your daughter is likely not getting the joyous time with you and your husband preparing for her wedding . This should be a time of closeness for you and yet you haven’t even purchased your dress! Your son is likely also being similarly deprived of his parents at a pivotal time in his life.
Beggars can’t be choosers. Your MIL has to be out NOW! Let one of her other children take her - that sil can move those clothes to her own home. At the very least say that you all don’t have time to care for her in the lead up to daughters wedding day. Don’t take anymore of your time off for mil, nor pay for her needs out of your money! Your film or her own money or insurance or whatever should pay. Transport for appts? How did she get there before ? Many areas do provide transport but otherwise it should fall on her actual children or husband not you, especially since you have nothing to say about her care. If she is incompetent to make decisions her MPOA should go to doc appts with her.
As far as modeling kindness , you have done this for weeks now - someone else’s turn.
Take her back to her home , call your agency on aging ..they can evaluate and help her husband arrange for cleaning and caregiving ..this isn’t your job - your job is raising your son, helping your daughter to celebrate her wedding and work to provide for yourself and your future.
You have done your part and now it is time to step back and let MIL and her family do theirs. It is obvious that as long as you are doing the caregiving , they will do nothing to fix the situation. If keeping her in her home is the goal..they should hire cleaners or just get a dumpster and clear out the home .. As for the pets ..if they can’t care for them then they unfortunately need to be rehomed. Allowing this to continue is just negligent ..perhaps FIL needs placement as well.
Good luck to you, congrats to your daughter , . Stop this runaway train and get back on track with what sounds like a lovely marriage. Please let us know how everything goes.

NDDIL, any updates on your situation?

Good luck my dear! Was in a similar situation but wasn't married. Fun talking to a brick wall. I feel for you. Best of luck to you.

It sounds like both your MIL and FIL may be ready for assisted living, where the facility will take care of housekeeping, laundry, preparing 3 meals a day for them, make sure they are taking their medications on schedule, dress and clean them, etc. Get connected with a local social worker to find out what their and your options are. It would be better if their POA or your husband would do this, but it sounds like he is in denial. You may have to do the initial legwork. First of all, you need more of the burden taken off of you. Ask the social worker if your MIL (and FIL) are eligible for more in-home care (temporarily) or for an assisted living facility that they can afford. Much will depend on her/their ages and finances. Does she have dementia? You may have to do the legwork to find a facility for her/them. Try to find one close to your home so that you and your husband can visit often to oversee her/their care. I was able to do this for my mother for drawing a circle around our house on a map of how far I was able to travel conveniently. There are also services, like this one that can advise on senior care arrangements. There are some very good senior facilities, and the advantage of a facility is professional and skilled care, they organize age-appropriate activities, and there will be people their own age around that they might make friends with. My mother was in a very good facility that provide excellent care for her, especially through the pandemic. All the best to you all.

I have read through a lot of suggestions for you here. There are some good ones however you seem to have an excuse as to why you cannot do this or that. You want to show your son how to be kind and how to treat others. What about showing him what a backbone looks like. The SIL putting the mothers clothes in the closet at YOUR house…that would have been the ENTIRE LAST STRAW for me. WHAT!!! You allowed that to happen. You are being dumped on. You cry secretly in the garage before going inside and need a beer. Take a step back and look at what you are doing to yourself. Self love needs to be your priority at this point. Put your foot down or stop complaining and accept your lot.

It sounds like your MIL needs more care than Assisted Living. Your problem is also in having you husband believe you will not continue to go along with the current set up. It sometimes means the unrelated spouse (you) has to move out (with your son) to convince your husband you cannot become his mother's care taker.