Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
First! Sit down with your husband in a private setting, without confrontation, and tell him what this major dump of responsibility is doing to you and your marriage. He should get priorities in order and devise an immediate plan to transfer his mother's care back to his father, who has gladly let it fall to you. Hire someone to go in, de-clutter, get their house in livable order and contract them to maintain it weekly. If they don't have a fenced yard to allow pet out, hire a pet walker (doesn't sound like they are capable of its care and may be best for pet to be rehomed.) If your FIL can't take her to appts, there are services available to do so. The care givers going into the home can also alert to any issues with the FIL before both of them end up at your home. Have you considered selling the home and relocating them to a more manageable apartment within an assisted living community? Such arrangements offer services, transport, meals etc., that you are trying to provide. It's admirable that you're caring for your MIL while holding a job, raising a son and being a loving wife. However, if your husband doesn't step up, the situation will over time fester such resentment ultimately deteriorating your marriage, long after the in-laws have passed.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Let us know how things go! Good luck!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Maybe you could make the transition to a nursing home the same way she made the transition to your house. Tell her that you have to have some work done and everybody has to be out for a week. Put her in the nursing home “until the work is done” and then that’s it. She stays there.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
XenaJada Aug 2022
This is the way
(1)
Report
So many great answers here, I have little to add other than it is easier to create a situation where the “professionals” are responsible for the tough decision. That helps relieve some of the family guilt and inability to act. Your husband may simply be in that mental place and yes, you have been sacrificed at the moment. No one wants to remove a loved one from a home into a facility. It is just heartbreaking even when your logical brain says this is the right decision for your family. Love your husband through this, forgive him, and walk with him through this difficult time. And yes, the other members of the family are hoping the problem is “solved” at the moment. Breathe and remember words are a deadly weapon and once out, often can never be unsaid. Do you best to use the professionals, create loving and compassionate boundaries for your health, the health of your marriage and family. Also remember your son is watching and he is learning how to navigate all this when you and your husband’s time comes. God bless!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

?!?!?
Your sister in law did what - ?

"I feel selfish, I feel bad for being irritated when my SIL came over last night with a big box of my MIL clothes and just hung them in the closet."

You know that scene in Private Benjamin where Goldie Hawn narrows her eyes and goes "nnnnot, so, fast..."?

It is put your foot down time. How many other family members are skulking around looking shifty? - there's DH, stepFIL, SIL, and who else?

Family conference, agenda, item 1 - MIL does not live here and is not going to live here. Item 2 - reclaiming the house (for FIL's benefit, too - how is it any better that he is living in filth and disorder, without support for his chronically ill wife?). Item 3 - setting up services.

These then result in further actions *with deadlines attached.* And DH signs off, in blood if need be.

Fer cryin' out loud...

And STOP feeling sorry for him when he gets stressed in the mornings. Welcome to your world! He'll have to get up earlier is all.
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Let the emphasis be on setting a firm date on when mil must be out. I've been through similar situation when addict BIL was literally dropped on our doorstep years ago. I was never even asked by my husband nor other brothers...just informed he had no place else to go. Well, my house is also no place else. Your husband's family needs to be told what to do. Set that date...for your own sanity.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

It is your husband who is the missing link, he needs to tell his father & mother that she needs to either move back home or to AL. Give them 30 days to figure out what to do.

Your husband might be the nicest guy in the world, however he is weak and does not have his priorities in order.

You do not plan, you plan to fail, it is as simple as that.

I wouldn't let this go a day longer, no need to, it is the parent's problem, your husband can either assist them with a plan or not,

An attorney can do nothing for you at this point.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

He isn't lost for what to do...you are doing it. Tell him he has two weeks to figure it out then you are done. You will not lift a finger or spend a dime on MIL. You did not agree to the current situation and HE needs to fix this NOW. So what if he gets stressed. Let him go to work late and get in trouble. That might be the wake up call for him. As long as you pick up the slack there is no reason or need to change. Honestly....stop being reasonable about this. You will not be able to enjoy the wedding if you are stressing out about MIL....and there will be no second chances for that memory.

He does know what needs to be done, he is just avoiding the fall out figuring dumping this all on you as the lesser of two evils. You don't have to get mad, or leave....just stop helping. Trust me, when he has to deal with this on his own he will man up and make the needed decisions. Don't fall for his 'we are a team' crap. If you were truly a team he would be taking your feelings into consideration already.
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

NDD, Medicare should have paid for her wheelchair.

Who is her financial power of attorney, i.e., who holds the purse strings?

Frankly, it doesn't matter WHO abused MIL. Right now, it sounds like her husband isn't competent to care for her.

They BOTH need placement.

I don't think your husband is plotting. It sounds like he's a nice guy who doesn't like to rock the boat or ask questions.

That means that YOU need to light a fire under him so he can sau " it's not me, it's my awful wife." And that's just fine.

As to what your son learns?

I learned from watching my mom get conned into taking care of a bunch of my father's dying relatives that it's more than okay to say "no" in defense of your marriage and your kids.

And watching my mom care for her mom for many years taught me (and my mom) that she would never move in with any of us. Mom saved her money assiduously so that THAT would never happen.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
NDDIL1 Aug 2022
My husband is a good guy, he really is. I think he’s just lost for what to do.. I think they are all in denial on how much care she needs.
(3)
Report
It appears MIL is there to stay, as long as possible at least.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

First of all, if your MIL is crapping and peeing herself, is on oxygen, and is not able to take care of herself in any way then she's invalid.
She doesn't belong in assisted living because they can't provide the level of care she needs. Your MIL belongs in a nursing home.
So here's what has to happen. You talk to some of the nursing staff that comes to your house. You tell them that she has to be removed from your home and placed because you will not allow her to stay. They will get a social worker on it who will find placement for her. Then have a meeting with your husband and your FIL. Speak plainly to them so there is no misunderstanding.
Tell them both that MIL must be out of your house and living elsewhere by a certain date. Let them know that the visiting nursing staff who comes is aware of this and that they can help find her a social worker and placement for MIL
Tell that husband of yours on no uncertain terms that either his mother is out of the house by (this date) or he should speak with a divorce lawyer because you're going to.
I don't want you to think I'm being harsh or that I'd ever disrespect your family because I wouldn't.
But, your husband is acting like a real S.O.B. and so is his father. It sure sounds to me like they made a plan behind your back and tricked you into becoming MIL's caregiver. Since you legally cannot make decisions for MIL, the family has backed you into a corner. They are expecting that you'll just accept your role as caregiver to her.
Your husband and his family have to be convinced that you're serious about MIL leaving.
This post got me to thinking on the past. I loved my first husband very much. He was a good man and a hard worker. He was also an alcoholic. He wasn't violent or mean when he drank. He never missed work and never drank on the job. I couldn't live with a drunk anymore though. I told him that either he got sober or we were through. He tried but couldn't do it. So we got divorced. I didn't take him for anything. It wasn't a mean divorce. I had to go though, and you may have to also. Otherwise your husband and his family will always take advantage and will never have any respect for you. You have to make them respect you. Start with you don't try to 'sneak' home anymore on your lunch hour to check on her. You stop dressing, feeding, and taking her to appointments. No more bathing or cleaning up 'accidents' either. You do nothing for her. As in zero. Your husband and his family will have to figure it out.
MIL is not as you've said, "calling all the shots". She's a needy invalid. She's not calling anything. She will go to whatever arrangements are made for her and that's the end of it. So make some. Work with those nurses coming to your house. They can help.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report
NDDIL1 Aug 2022
I will make sure I am there when the nurse comes tomorrow. Thank you!
(9)
Report
This is such a bad situation and it is unfortunate that your husband basically lied to you when mom moved in. You need to sit down with mom and hubby and get this straightened out. Mom doesn't get to call the shots anymore. She lost that right when she couldnt take care of herself. If her husband is abusive she needs to be in a facility. Whether it is assisted living or what have you.

This will change your marriage forever because of mom and husband's handling of all of this. Which is unfortunate.

It is not your fault and it is not wrong for you to not want mom living in your home. Don't let the guilt make you do this. I am sorry you are being put in this situation and I hope you get a resolution sooner rather than later.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This is costing you financially?

Why is that?

MIL has resources--SS, Medicare/Medicaid, pension, right?

Where is that money going.

Elders deserve the dignity of being able to pay their own way, and not become a financial burden to their families.

Your monies are needed to support your son (if he's a minor) and YOUR retirement.

Unless you are fabulously wealthy and your retirement is fully funded, paying for MIL's support is not acceptable.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
sp19690 Aug 2022
I think the time she has been taking off from work to take care of MIL.
(2)
Report
See 2 more replies
You are trying to be 'kind & patient' when in reality, the whole idea was to get MIL into your home so YOU could become her caretaker all along! Stop guzzling beers and crying in the garage and set down YOUR rules now because you've been sold a pig in a poke, my friend.

Barb is right: DH needs to understand how SERIOUS you are about getting his mother OUT of your house and taking your LIVES back now! What's he gonna do about it? Give him a time limit, say 30 days, to get mom back home or into an Assisted Living apartment, or you will be moving OUT. Show him that you mean business. You love him but you also love the life you had before MIL usurped it. He can't have it both ways. He hoodwinked you into taking his mother 'for a few days' which is now morphed into FOREVER.

Sorry bub, no pub.

Ask him how he's planning to fix this mess he's created for all of you?
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
sp19690 Aug 2022
I think a month is a month too long. Mom needs to go back home and they can work out what to do from there. And when I say they I mean husband and his sister not the wife.
(9)
Report
See 4 more replies
"This was supposed to be temporary for a few days, while my FIL made the home "livable" for her. It is not safe for her to be there. It is cluttered and filthy from pet "accidents" and her own accidents. She is not able to care for herself or clean up after herself. He is not making progress there, but no one (including my husband) seems to be willing to make a plan for what is to happen next."

That's because YOU have become the plan. If you need further proof, look what SIL just did by bringing MIL's clothes to hang in the closet. Why do YOU have to take PTO to take her to appointments?

Too bad if H is "stressed" by getting his mother ready in the mornings. I hope you drive separately to work. Just make sure YOU get to work on time. As this becomes more and more H's problem alone, he will start doing something to change the situation.

DO NOT FEEL BADLY for feeling the way you do. What are the excuses that the rest of the family (SIL?) couldn't take Mama in?
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
NDDIL1 Aug 2022
MIL won’t go anywhere else. She is calling all of the shots, and they are all melting to her needs. It’s a difficult story of her being physically abused by their father. She is remarried to their step-dad.
(1)
Report
NDD, we've got another poster on here right now whose MIL moved in "temporarily". She is now dealing with what sounds like a some permanent physical damage from trying to lift her MIL.

An elder who is in need of extensive personal care is simply NOT a DIY project, especially not if you work outside the home. Either she hires help (at her own home) or she gets care at a facility.

You are not your in-laws' (or parents') retirement plan.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

The only solution is to send mom back to her own house. Dad had 5 weeks to clean up and take care of the problem. It's not going to happen.

Mom should go back to her house and then your husband and SIL can deal with and make arrangements for mom to be moved from her house into a facility. Case closed. Problem solved.

Clearly husband doesn't give a darn about how this is making you feel and the stress it is causing you and what you want.

It is not your fault his parents are hoarders and slobs and choose to live in filth.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
NDDIL1 Aug 2022
We sent her back for the weekend and it was a disaster. The kids tried to clean and it’s too far gone. I think it was a clear answer to the question on whether or not that is possible. I made an appointment to go talk to the director of the local agency who coordinates care for elderly in our community.
(6)
Report
See 1 more reply
ND, I UNDERSTAND that you don't want to leave him.

You are between a rock and a hard place here; what are your bargaining tools?

Unless he realizes that you are willing to give up your marriage--that THAT'S how serious you are, then he will continue playing rollover with his family.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
sp19690 Aug 2022
Darn straight. What is it with these husband's who dont care about what their wives want as long as mommy is being cared for by the wife.
(6)
Report
See 3 more replies
Take him out to dinner tonight. Local diner, nothing fancy.

Ask him "what's your plan for your mom? I am NOT on board with her living with us.

We need to figure out how to get her into a good facility using HER resources; I'm willing to help with that. But it's the sad truth that if she stays, I'm going to be forced to live elsewhere."
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
NDDIL1 Aug 2022
I'm not going to leave him. I don't want to leave him. I'm just not willing to take on this commitment. I don't want our home, our safe place, our solitude, to become a nursing home. I have told him I don't want to come home at night. I either cry in the garage before I put my big girl pants on, and brave a smiley face, or I guzzle a beer before I go in. My daughter is getting married in about a month. I don't have my dress yet. I am nearly out of PTO at work. I'd be willing to do this for a month or two, if I knew there was an end game. It's not even talked about. The family still thinks she's going to go home.
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Is HE being a team player?

She needs help in the mornings. She, or her POA, needs to hire help for the morning.

There's "selfish" and then there's "self-preservation".

How long before someone suggests you quit your job?
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
NDDIL1 Aug 2022
If either one of us quit our job, we won't have a home to have her in. I know I'm being a pushover. I'm trying to be kind, and patient. I just see the writing on the wall, that the intent is no longer for this to be temporary. And this affected our marriage in the first hours that she came to stay with us. I wish I could go back in time and say "no".
(4)
Report
You are enabling this situation to continue by helping.

Stop "helping".

Start saying, "this is YOUR mom dear. YOU need to be the one helping her with her personal care."

Your actions will speak louder than those words that are falling on deaf ears.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
NDDIL1 Aug 2022
I've been doing that, stepping back and making him get her up and make her breakfast, etc. But I see how stressed out he gets, too. We are both late for work most days, from just the added obligations. We are a team and I hate not being a team player. But, stepping in and being a team player, implies that I am on board with this, and I am not.

I feel selfish, I feel bad for being irritated when my SIL came over last night with a big box of my MIL clothes and just hung them in the closet. It's like when she is with us, it's "out of sight, out of mind" for the rest of the family.
(1)
Report
See 1 more reply
thank you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Tell everyone involved that she needs more care than any of you can give her, because it's true. You work, your husband works, and your FIL clearly isn't able to care for her -- facts, all.

I don't know whether she'd qualify for AL, since she's incontinent, but that's for a facility to decide. Contact APlaceforMom.com, and they'll give you a list of places that will fit her needs. Yes, your phone will immediately start ringing off the hook from those facilities' salespeople calling, but listen to what they have to say, ask that they only contact you via email from now on, and by law, they have to stop calling once you ask (and they do).

Tour the facilities, get the costs and all their literature, and have it in hand when you tell FIL that this is the next step. Ideally hubby should be on board, because he needs to see the situation for what it is. MIL isn't going to improve, and maybe there's a place where both of them can live.

I know a lot of people poo-pooh A Place for Mom, but they were extremely helpful to me, they listened to what I needed and didn't, and they found the perfect place where my mother ended up living the last two years of her life.

(Oh, and the existence of pets absolutely CANNOT be allowed to be the reason they don't move.)
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter