Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
How you get your husband to understand the need to place his mother is by stepping out of the equation. He will soon learn how much propping up it takes to keep his mom "independent ".

If you continue to bear a large part of the hands on propping up he will never see or realize how much she requires to be safe and cared for.

Tough situation for everyone involved. Best of luck finding a way forward.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Protect your child, protect YOUR health (physical and mental), have a doctor/clergyperson/social worker speak with your husband to alleviate his sense of guilt over his mother's situation. There are agencies that can help navigate these situations; and not all facilities are 'horror stories': you just have to do your homework, and stay on top of the facility's adherence to caregiving laws. Good luck to all; sounds like your MIL's mental state is deteriorating, which will only get worse and tear your entire family down. Get her the professional help she needs so your remaining family can be at peace knowing she is OK and you can stabilize your home.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I read your heartbreaking story and I truly believe you are completely burnt out. You said that your MIL “does not qualify for much via Medicaid yet”. I don’t know the reason why she’s not qualified, but you should speak to an elder law attorney who is very versed in how the Medicaid program works and perhaps he/she will help you and your husband to get your MIL qualified for Medicaid benefits and this will help with the financial burden that you’re under with her.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

The only thing that is going to break through his feelings of guilt and honor is for you to let him do the caregiving. He will get over his hesitation real fast. You have to completely bow out. Tell him your offer to do the caregiving was only temporary until he had a plan in place. The plan was never for you to do it indefinitely. Take your child on a weekend trip to visit your family. Leave him to take care of her while you're away. He will understand.

Take all of her financial information to an Elder Lawyer and ask for assistance applying for Medicaid. They will tell you exactly what to do and how to do it. Things may need to be sold, money placed in a trust for her care, etc... Find a memory care facility close to your home, so your husband can visit her as often as he likes.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I agree with Fluffy that you need to go to the medical appointments and hear for yourself what is being said. My father had to be medicated to reduce his anxiety. It worked wonders for him in the nursing home. He was able to be social again and participate in the activities.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Make a time for you and your spouse to have a discussion about this difficult loved one. Have paper and pens/pencils and all information about her "after hospital care options" available. I suggest using a pros and cons method to list what situation she needs and the resources available. Make sure you emphasize that she needs round the clock care. Remind your spouse that you are not able to care for her in your home - since you have a family to care for and a job. Remind your spouse that her mental health issues will create stress for every member in the family if you do take her in. Give each of you ample time to express emotions and to be supportive of each other.

You can do this!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your husband is in denial. You will never get through to him by pointing out that the current situation is unsustainable. He thinks that it has to be, so he's risking everything else in his life in order to be a good son.

I wonder if the approach you can take is to ask him if his mother is a good parent. His immediate response will be, "Yes, of course!" Then...

Ask him whether he would expect your children to lose themselves in taking care of either of you when you get old.

Ask him if he would want them to risk bankrupting themselves to take care of you.

Ask him if he would want them to neglect your future grandchildren in favour of taking care of either of you.

Ask him if he would want them to risk their marriage by asking more of their partners in taking care of either of you and risk their partners getting burnout in the process.

Ask him if he thinks that's what his mum really wants for him. Or what she wanted of him 20/30 years ago.

If not, then she's clearly no longer able to think rationally on the subject.

Would he want his children to lose good years of their lives in taking on more caregiving duties than is sustainable because he could no longer think rationally and would only behave appropriately when he got what he wanted?

Finally, ask him how you will both be able to provide for your old age if you spend all your money on his mum.

How will you be able to help your children, if all the money is spent on Grandma?

You need to be present with the doctors next time and find out what they actually say, not your husband's interpretation of it. And you need to point out that you cannot keep up this level of care. You are burnt out and you are not rich.

You need to step back and be firm with your husband. Either that, or your relationship could be ruined.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter