Mom and her husband have been married for 37 years. They have lived a lovely lifestyle. He has catered to her every whim, specifically her habit of buying homes then spending hundreds of thousands of dollars fixing them and selling them for a loss. She frequently decides she wants to relocate after only a few years to live in an area with more social clout. This has been going on since the early 80's. They have spent his lifetime earnings as a PhD, her sizable inheritance and a large insurance settlement due to my grandmother being killed in a car accident ten years ago.
Lo and behold in 2022 they are down to a few thousand dollars. I am a single mother raising an autistic child by myself and am carefully balancing my inheritance from my father that I got in 2019. My money is invested and cannot be disturbed.
I know as sure as the sun rises she is coming for me. My stepfather has dementia and will likely not be able to be without some kind of supervisory care within 12-18 months. I refuse to buy her a home and she cannot live with me. My brother also refuses to do the same. Both of us have helped them with planning, budgeting, housework and more. Still, my mother has refused to listen or stick to any plan we have given her.
What shall I do when they cannot grocery shop or keep the lights on? She is hostile and abusive and her husband has watched her treat me this way since I was ten years old. It's going to be an epic disaster and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that I battled addiction in my 20's and needed rent money here and there and a criminal defense lawyer 20 years ago, which she has never let me live down. She also loves to remind me how much money I cost her growing up (gymnastics, horse riding lessons, family vacations).
Advise me, please.
Start compiling a list of food banks and other services your mother can utilize when she comes to you.
And no matter how guilty you feel and how much she pushes the issue never, ever let her move in with you. Ever.
It is not your job to fund her wasteful lifestyle just because she gave you money in the past. Both you and your brother have tried to help her with budgets, etc and were largely ignored.
This woman could win 10 million dollars in the lottery and still be broke in a few years.
Since her husband worked she should get a portion of his social security. He will have to go on government assistance and they divide the assets between the two spouses.
Offer to take her to an elder lawyer (which she pays for) so she knows what her options are.
Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter how much she guilts you, cries, and screams will be important.
The best thing is to let her know in advance that you are not her financial solution.
As adult children in our society, we have no, repeat NO obligation to house our parents, provide hands on care or provide them with luxuries. Even if they were the best parents in the world. Adults plan for their own old age.
Social services exist and will be there for her.
Read a book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud.
Google F.O.G. Fear, Obligation and Guilt.
Read Never Simple by Liz Scheier. It's about a young woman with a troubled and mentally ill and abusive mother who gave her daughter a wonderful childhood. And how Liz almost goes under trying to rescue her mother. Her boundary setting is as impressive as it is instructive.
Your brother and you must continue to present a united front against her. You can be each other's support system.
(I'd also stop helping with the housework.)
You need to get out of this mindset.
Her lack of planning is not your emergency. Call the local (to her) Area Agency on Aging and find out what resources for elders exist in her area. Ask about case management services. Give your mother a list of resources the next time she asks for something.
We have a wise poster, Beatty, here who says "there will be no plan as long as YOU are the plan".
You also say that neither you nor your brother will either buy your mother a house, or allow her to move in with you [- setting aside what becomes of your stepfather when this happens? Does he have other resources, or other family who might scoop him up once he becomes dependent enough?].
Fair enough; but has your mother suggested these possibilities to either of you anyway?
She has not suggested these possibilities, and I don't think she would want to live here, but she has expectations for sure. As far as my step-dad goes, there is some weird balance in between what they have in assets/cash and eligibility for housing and he is also not within the medical need threshold yet. My brother is way more informed about these things, but I can hardly see it all falling into place so smoothly that they will just slide into assisted care the moment they cant pay the bills. Interestingly he does have another resource--his daughter. She has more money than all of us put together, but neither mom or SD will go to her for help and here is why. He allows the same behavior out of his daughter like he does my mom--she's Never held accountable and he would never trouble her. And my mother won't ask her for help because she hates the fact that his daughter became more socially successful than she did and mom won't lose face by going to her for money. Convenient for my step-sister, isn't it?
As for the other issue, no one forced them to bail you out, it was their decision. Kids cost money not my rules just how it works, you owe her nothing for raising you. Again, it was her choice to have a child, not yours.
For every bad action, there is a bad reaction, seems they have been testing the waters for many years, now the lake is drying up.
Don't dwell on this causing you to self impose yourself with guilt. Guilt does nothing to improve a situation, all it does is keep one stuck.
Or demands help.
It doesn't matter what other resources (stepdad's, step-sister's). Mom's jealousy od SS's social status is neither here nor there.
Your answer is "no, I can't possibly do that."
Not "maybe". Or "not now". Or "we'll see."
The answer is no, pure and simple.
"Because it's MY money."
Unless your mother has some mental incapacity too, she can figure out her own way. It's your mom's responsibility to figure out how to grocery shop and keep the lights on.
Her helping you out when you were younger was kind but irrelevant. Her demand to access your assets is so way out of line my mind boggles. If you give in you'll be a pauper because she'll drain you without batting an eye. Your feeling of guilt is a conditioning that your mother caused. Narcs are awesome at causing victims to feel unwarranted guilt.
As CTTN55 below wrote, you and your brother should support each other and protect each other from your mother. Best wishes to you, TSG.
She was lucky enough to be able to have a luxurious lifestyle and she chose there also, to spend her money.
Medicaid is as open to her and her husband as to anyone else in the United States. I would supply her with phone numbers and the medicare/medicaid handbook free by calling 1-800-medicare.
I would wish her the very best of luck. I would tell her that you are unable to give her anything but your sympathy as your funds are invested for your OWN OLD AGE so as to avoid any of this for yourself in future.
What else is there to be said? It's really quite simple.
What horseswill.
So she pulls out the Italian card?
So?
So what?
So, she tries to create drama. Hang up the phone or leave. Stop giving her the power.
I know all of you are correct in telling me that there isn't much to be done and all I need to do is say no and be done with it and if she wants to spin off into outer space then she can.
Being raised with parents that are psychologically abusive has deep and long lasting effects and navigating her manipulative behavior has never been easy or cut and dry for me. Thank you for your words of support. I suppose I needed that more than anything else.
Did Grandma ever consider this, has she invested in her grandchild?
You are the one needing support, now and in the future. If your mother comes for you, someone should read her the riot act. It is unthinkable, imo.
This is especially important because I didn't have my child until I was 42, so there is a good possibility that I will die while she is still young.
She will then avoid you, and avoid asking you for any money in the future, maybe?
However, best to not have anything to do with money concerning your Mother, and never cooperate in sharing your financial information with her. imo.
I told my mom, whom gets ample SS, that she can spend HER money anyway she chooses. If she wants any of mine, then I get full and complete access and control of ALL her money. This was intended to (and worked) stop her from asking me for money.
I made it clear that she would exhaust every social service she could get before I forked over a penny. (For anyone thinking I am a tightwad, she gambles.)
Your mom has lived frivolously and now she is facing the consequences. This doesn't obligate any of you to prop up her illusion of grandeur. They have made themselves poor and now will have to find a way to live within their means. Many do and survive, she will too.
If my Mom had the money your Mom has gone thru, I would tell her time to sell that big house that is too much for her. With the proceeds by a smaller one and use the money left to offset the cost of living. Or, rent an apt. And the cost of living is rent/mortgage, utilities, taxes and the cost of food. All comes before you buy that new outfit or pc of furniture. Maybe downsizing, she can sell some things not needed. Tell her she needs to live within the income they bring in and if it means selling her home than so be it. A lot of seniors downsize at Moms age. And at 73 Mom should be able to figure it all out for herself. If not, Office of Aging may have someone to teach her how to budget. Sorry Mom, your spending days are over. Does SD own a car, with Dementia he should not be driving. Have her sell the oldest of the two and tell her the profit is only to be used on things she needs to live. You should not be paying because she never learned the value of money.
Your profile says your a disabled Vet with a special needs child. That child is your priority. Your future is your priority. Its one thing if your Mom does everything she can to stay above water and needs ur help, its another that she just throws money away and expects others to pay her way when it is gone. She is in for a rude awaking. No is a one word sentence. No reasons or excuses why you can't do it. Just NO Mom, not going to happen. Let her rant and rave.
From the book of Boundries...When you say the word no, you are not responsible for the reaction you get.
Don't look at Mom as an elderly person. My BIL is 74 and works 20 hrs a week. I know a married couple who both still work f/t. He is a diabetic and she had a hip replacement a few years back. So, Mom could find herself a little job somewhere.
I know there is drama going to happen. You just have to ignore it. Your Mom can perfectly well see that ur disabled and that ur child special needs she chooses not to because "its all about her". No one else matters.
You know why she paid for gymnastics and horse riding lessons, because it made her look good. "See what I do for my children". See the nice vacations we take them on. Your Mother is toxic. There is some kind of personality disorder in play and its not curable. You have to keep your distance and say NO!
Selling the house sounds like a fine idea, but unlike most seniors they do not own this property. They had to get a reverse mortgage to finance it when she decided it was time to leave the previous residence in 2019. The same is true about the car. They could not afford to buy a new one cash, so they financed it. And as usual my noodle of a step father just let her tantrum her way into whatever she wanted. And no she does not know how to handle the money. She can't keep track of a password, doesn't know what insurance company to call about PCPs and is essentially a woman child in almost every aspect. Until there is some goal that feeds her ego or whatnot and then she can be quite resourceful. She is also still having the cleaning lady/organizer come to the house at least once a month to the tune of $300. And get this--this lady drives almost two hours to clean because mom doesn't want to look for a local person to clean, so she pays the lady from where they lived before (three houses ago in 2013) a premium to travel!
It's lunacy. And yes I am a disabled vet and my daughter is autistic. Sh!t I just want to get through the day without a disaster. I am not seeking to validate myself by keeping up with the Joneses. Must be exhausting.
Area Agency on Aging.
Senior Centers often have Social Workers that can help.
If they need it Debt Consolidation
Numbers for Medicaid
If Step dad is a Veteran it is possible that he may qualify for benefits from the VA. Find the number for the local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help determine what he would qualify for.
*give them a box of candles and a lighter for when they can't keep the lights on.*
Learning NOW to live BELOW their means, not living within their means might give them a bit of a cushion for later.
It is for the PARENT to provide for the child.
How and what she did (gymnastics, riding lessons, FAMILY vacations ((so this was not your expense alone)) was her choice. Yes you may have asked and benefited BUT she could have said, "Sorry honey we can not afford gymnastics this year, or riding lessons" or "We would all love to take a vacation this year but we have to stick close to home, we can't afford a 2 week trip to Florida to Disney" or whatever the vacation of the year was.
It is not for the child to provide for the parent.
Do not let her "guilt" you into taking them in, giving them money (it would never be a loan) If you did they would not change and would drag you and your family down with them.
A sad and horrible state of affairs that you are now left to 'deal' with, in one way or another. Even saying NO to them means you are left to deal with the ashes of their fires.
You've gotten some good advice here already from our forum members. You may want to sit down with a Certified Elder Care attorney for a consult; s/he may have a few ideas for you about Medicaid and how to apply for it when the time comes, how they do the 5 year look back, etc. You may also get some good guidance about social services and how to proceed with that.
I wish you good luck and Godspeed, my friend. This won't be easy for you to say NO to them b/c you've been groomed to be their cushion to fall back on; their savior who will rescue them after they foul up their entire lives. But you don't have to BE that person for them, and now is the time to decide what you will and won't do moving forward. Have a plan in place & stick to it, that's the best advice you'll get.
Step back and only do what’s necessary … just say No!!!!!
That would mean no bending your rule …oh just this once ..scrap that .
It will also help you disengage.
There are a lot of good videos.
Dont take take them in whatever you do. You will become a 24/7 slave/caregiver and it will destroy your life. They won't care.
Id screen my calls too and don't let them demand you drop everything to cater to them. You have to see the manipulation and guilting for what it is. Normal families don't guilt, bully, manipulate people into doing their bidding. If that starts you don't pick up the phone. You have to learn solid boundaries. It is very hard because of the guilt and their shaming. The vids will help you learn how to become stronger and see it for what it is.
Good luck.
More than likely the house could be sold and they end up with some cash for a small house or multiple years assistance on paying for a monthly rent.
Do not trust what your mom tells you about the financial situation, her reality is obviously really off where money is concerned. You have to see the paperwork to know the truth.