My family consists of my wife, my 3 young children, myself, and now my father in law. I've shared the story before, but as a reminder my in-laws moved in with us and my MIL passed away from kidney disease within 6 months. It was traumatic for everyone as she refused to take care of herself and also refused help. My wife still feels guilty for not saving her so she is trying to do it with her dad. We have discussed simple rules like keeping his room clean, not spending money, not eating in his room etc, but he does what he wants. My wife has now assumed her mom's role by not holding him accountable, and doing everything even though he is able bodied. We fight, at times, and I feel powerless because my wife is unwilling to talk about anything related to her dad. As a perfect example of his lack of respect for his daughter and my family, he had secretly decided to marry a woman (less than one year after his wife of 40 years died) and move her in without telling his daughter. He was going to do so in order to help this woman to become a citizen. This brings with it an expectation that my wife and I would be supporting him and this strange woman that he met once. My wife overheard all of this on a phone call, but she won't confront him and continues to make excuses for his behavior. I hate the dysfunction and have lost all compassion for a man that continues to choose himself over my wife and children. How do I keep my marriage as I am losing my ability to tolerate the nonsense. I am beginning to feel that leaving will be better for my children because at least they'll have a normal life half of the time.
There is no way in hell I would let her come to live in your home, and he needs to go live on his own, no if, ands or buts! It's time to put your foot down as head of this family,
Set a date, help him to find a Senior apartment and DO IT!
I won't let myself be on the hook if I have anything to say about it.
Dad, children, husband, freedom, sanctuary, security... etc.
Bring up the fact that if FIL is part of the family and that the family works together. If FIL wants to marry this person then he must leave the family and find his own place.
P.S.
I believe it is illegal to marry a person to keep them in the country. My experience... once married and she is free and cleared... she will leave him after taking his money... seen it done... twice. Just sayin'
blessings
hgn
Good luck to you!
How old is FIL? Why is he living with you? Dementia, health reasons? I ask because it will have a lot to do with how we respond.
You may want to find out who this woman is. How did he meet her, on line? Red Flag! You need to find out her status here. Greencard, Visa?
She may be agreeing with all this because she is trying to scam Dad. Next, she'll be asking for money to fly her out but never come. Or claim she needs help paying a bill, buying food. If FIL in his right mind, its going to be hard for you to keep him from sending the money. If you think this is what is happening, see if there is someone who can talk to Dad and explain to him what is going on. I doubt if he will believe you. After the death of his wife, he became vulnerable. He may not realize what this woman is doing. Is she even in the states if this is a online thing. Is he calling her on ur landline? Maybe you can block her or visa versa.
This is your home too. You have the right to tell FIL that he needs to carry his weight. I see no problem in him paying you rent. You don't have to use it. Put it in a bank account for when you need it to help with his care down the line.
I think you need counseling. An impartial person and not a Minister. That may get into "honor thy Father thing". Your wife needs to set boundries. Especially with this woman. You and she have a right to not allow a stranger in your house. Plus, if the marriage is based on a greencard, I think the government can investigate the reason for the marriage and stop it from happening. They need to get a license and questions may come up when filing.
You and your wife have to stand together in this. You need to sit down with him and look him in the eye. Wife needs to tell him she overheard his conversation and moving a "new" wife into your home is not going to happen. If he wants to remarry, they can rent an apartment of their own. You refuse to have a stranger living under your roof.
You said that you've had fights with your wife over this but have you ever discussed the situation? You said your wife refuses to discuss anything regarding her dad. That's a pretty immature way to behave. What I'm wondering is if your wife knows how miserable you are and that you're thinking of leaving. She needs this information but not as an ultimatum, as in "If you don't move your father out of here I'm leaving!" More like, "I'm really unhappy and I don't want us to continue to live like this. We need to make some changes."
Breaking up your marriage should be your very last option because a divorce reverberates for years and years, especially for the kids. The situation with your FIL has solutions and options that ought to be explored before you pull the cord on your marriage. How about bringing in a 3rd party such as a minister or a therapist? Take some of the air out of the tension at home and hand over your issues to a counselor. Seeing a counselor once a week for 6 months is much easier on everyone than hiring a lawyer and filing for divorce.
Now: what are your options?
You have many. I recommend you make a list. Keep adding to the list until you have a strategic plan. You may need a wise friend or counselor to help you think this through.
You have a clear case of boundary issues here, and re-establishing healthy relationships will take time and work - and your wife will have to be involved. But the place to start is with yourself. You are clearly a patient man, but you have your not-unreasonable limits. And that's ok. Be clear and true with and to yourself. Then you will be ready to speak and work out a solution.