How do I keep my temper in check?

Caregiving is hard. It’s the hardest job there is and not everybody is cut out for it. I know I’m not. At least not full time. There is not enough open discussion about the fact that many of us are not able or even willing to do it, and yet society expects it. And they expect us to be able to do it with a smile. I live 3000 miles away from my father he who lives alone and has Alzheimers. His girlfriend is there a few days a week and he has a couple friends who check on him. In the beginning I was getting tons of pressure from everybody to move back home and take care of him. Nope. I love my father dearly, but I know what will happen to my own life if I tried to be his caregiver 24/7. I can’t do it. I fly back every several months to spend time with him and relieve the people who are there with him and I manage his finances from here. When your own mental health and physical health starts suffering it’s past time to place your loved one. That’s my plan. I will let him live independently for as long as he can and will move back for a few months when it’s time to place him. Maybe it’s time to consider placing your husband? This will end at some point and you need to have a life (and mental health) to return to when it does.

From another caregiver, I learned the simple mantra: Patience, Tolerance, Forgiveness. While the words are simple, embracing them is not always easy. But when I do embrace them, it always helps.

My temper is my achilles heel.

Being angry is normal - it's the acting on it - the lashing out - that's the problem.

I pray a lot for compassion, empathy and patience.

I remind myself of a few things before I even get out of bed: "The strongest hands can lose their grip, the greatest of minds can become cloudy, and the biggest hearts can break, so be kind, just always be kind." "Kindness is lending someone your strength, rather than reminding them of their weakness". My own addition is: be patient as with a child.

Your LO has a brain disease, and can't help it. Do what you can to change the situation so as many things don't get lost, And be patient with yourself, too. We're only human.

Im sorry you are experiencing this. First, I admire you for being there. You are a strong woman. It’s hard being a caretaker for a spouse that has a disability. Dementia especially. I lose my temper all the time. We are human….we need to remember this.

I had a huge anger problem too for a while until I was FINALLY able to internalize the "broken brain " understanding and I prayed alot for compassion. After some therapy with a counselor where I was able to fully vent my anger and frustrations, I am now better at patience and compassion for his broken brain. If you haven't already, get the book The 36 hour day and Dementia with Grace.
These have helped me tremendously transition in my mind from frustration to acceptance and understanding.
Getting a counsellor is vital to having a safe place to vent.
Best wishes,

Your post could’ve been written by me!

Its so difficult to be patient all the time. You are human. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

A couple of things that helped me were starting a antidepressant and online caregiver support mtgs. I fought taking a med for this, but I was spiraling out of control. The only two emotions I had were anger and despair. We have no family or kids, it’s just us. It’s hard to be patient when asked the same thing over and over. It’s frustrating to spend half you time looking for stuff that shouldn’t have been misplaced at all. I get it.

The support mtgs have helped knowing I am not the only one who has these feelings. Also the group can be a source for ideas and problem solving, although with dementia, you never know what will come up.

I have started keeping such a close eye on my husband. If he goes in another room, I busy myself near there where I can see him. I try not to “interfere” with what he’s doing, (he gets belligerent) however if he places his glasses in a desk drawer and then asks me where they are, at least it saves me time because I saw where he put them. I know you can’t watch 24/7 but it has helped to keep an eye on him as much as possible.

If you go to Alz.org you should find links to support groups in your area. Since they are online, it doesn’t really have to be in your area anyway. Zoom mtgs are easy, and some people don’t have web cams, so they are just calling in. I had never done a zoom mtg before joining caregiver groups, it’s easy.

I understand about not needing much help, but still being at your wits end. That’s where we are too. My husband and I are pretty much joined at the hip and do everything and go everywhere together. That’ll work until he becomes incontinent or hostile. Then I’ll have to find home care to be with him (or daycare) so I can at least run errands.

The fact you posted here means you are reaching out. I hope you will try support groups. One other thought, you could put inexpensive security cams around the house to help keep an eye on things. Say you are in the living room and he goes into the bedroom, if you have a phone or tablet, you can see what he’s up to. Just a thought.

I am also familiar with that old “brush off” of ‘so what, who cares, what difference does it make’. So frustrating!

Yep. It’s the “all you show”. I complain I don’t have family to help, but like you said, sometimes they can’t help anyway, it’s not always practical. So it’s you and you alone. But really you aren’t alone…find an online group. Keep posting here too. We may not be much practical help, but we can lean on each other.

Also, for a quick bit, try stepping outside, getting some air. Put on some music. Go brush your hair or your teeth. Just something for you that easy. Watch a TikTok video that makes you smile…they are very short. Go wash your hands, eat a cookie or an apple. Just take a small break for yourself when you start getting angry. There’s always count to ten and then take some deep breaths. Those little things can buy you enough time so that you don’t snap at him. Also, can he do word search puzzles, sudokus, or will he read a bit? Something that will keep him occupied for a while? We have bird feeders and my husband like to watch those, however I try and get him to do different puzzles, word search etc. I try to get him to switch up things so he stays stimulated. He likes word puzzles, although they are getting increasingly difficult for him. Look at the Alz.org store and also Amazon, they have a lot of games puzzles for dementia patients. Also, does he like music? Would he sit and listen to music for an hour or half hour? Does he have hobbies or Tv shows he still can enjoy? Keeping him occupied frees you up a bit. I just recently reintroduced solitaire to my husband. He used to play on his computer, but that’s too hard for him now. I have to help him get the cards laid out correctly, but he can play. Good luck!

I am taking care of my husband who is like a child. I still get angry. This disease is the worst. Sometimes I go behind a wall and make faces and say mean things so he can’t hear me. I know childish, but hey whatever helps us get through the day. I do have respite 5 days a week but it’s still so very hard. Nights are hard for me. I’m tired and he’s a pain in the as$. Some days are better than others but just know it gets so much worse. You need some relief or you won’t make it. But getting angry is something we all deal with I’m afraid. Then the guilt for getting angry cause you realize they can’t help it. In the moment though it doesn’t help. I’m still trying to curb my anger. It just makes my husband meaner. So I try and make him laugh at something stupid so I can just chill.

My situation is very similar. Look up this short video on YouTube: “Dementia Careblazers this is totally normal for caregivers.”
Just know it can be up and down emotionally and don’t beat yourself up for being human.
careblazers.com has a lot of free content- immensely helpful and encouraging.

Bring in some outside caregivers to give you some respite so you can have some kind of social life that is not about caregiving. Then make some changes to your home and lifestyle. When people have a toddler in the house they have to do things to baby-proof it like putting up gates and locking cabinets.
You have to do the same. Baby-proofing and dementia-proofing are pretty much the same thing. Your husband should not be able to access things like food, keys, and wallets on his own. Put the tv remote on a chain like hotels do. This way it can't get lost. Supervise him when it's meal time.
It's easy to reach the end of your rope quick with a person that has dementia. I totally understand. The best way to avoid losing it with him and lashing out, is to walk away when you need to. Tell him to leave you alone and go into the bathroom for a few minutes if you need to. During this time you ignore him.
Literally set a timer and give yourself five or ten minutes alone. You'll see. It will help.
Also try adult day care for him. I worked in a nice adult day care and the clients with advanced dementia and other issues are kept separate from the others. Many of the clients had it together pretty well and were there for socialization so they didn't have to be alone all day. We took them on outings, had movie days, all kinds of things. Check out a few adult day centers. I think you might be surprised.

KathleenQ, I feel you. My situation is different from yours (daughter caring for mother), but I too struggle with impatience, irritation and frustration in the moment that makes me want to scream. Knowing "it's the disease" or empathizing with her feelings is good as far as it goes but doesn't do much to quell the temper when it rises. I think what we need in those times is anger management tips, not eldercare tips. I found this helpful: "In the heat of the moment, hit pause. You notice you are getting angrier, and you can’t seem to stop it. Instead of trying to use rational thoughts, do something physical that will hit pause on acting out the negative emotion. Take a breath. Take a sip of water. Take your pen and write a note. Touch your tongue to the back of your teeth. Go to the bathroom. Do whatever you need to do in order to create a pause between your strong emotion and your response. Even a two-second pause can be enough to stop you from reacting with anger." I hope you can find some strategies that work. It's all so very hard.

Many people find that the Transcendental Meditation® technique, a simple, effortless technique, is extremely helpful at bringing ease and equanimity to life, while at the same time, increasing clarity and energy.
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Like many people here, I have been in the same boat. Hubby and I took care of my mom for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer's. We often had a daily game of "Hide and Seek." This was not so much fun when I was trying to head off to work, (Hubby watched her when I taught part time). She'd be losing things, and I tried not to lose my mind. I found her cell phone in a shoe in her closet one day. Another day, she couldn't find her purse. I told her we'd look for it. She told me she knew people "in the FBI," so maybe they could help find it. Some Alzheimer's patients think the FBI is after them; my mom thought she was one of them. I wonder if having indoor surveillance cameras would help, regarding finding misplaced items. (I wish I thought of that when we were dealing with this.) Best of luck.

My husband has had dementia for seven years, much worse over the past two years. His moods mirror my moods. If I am angry, he will dig his heels in and not do anything I ask. If I stay calm (even though my head is exploding) he will be calm and do whatever I ask. I have a lady come five days a week for four hours each time. This gives me a little of "me time" so I am able to go out or just stay home and have four hours of uninterrupted time. Dementia is a difficult diagnosis to deal with. My sweetheart doesn't remember me or our children. There are still good days, but they are different. Remember you are just human and dealing with a difficult situation. Hire some help if you can, This is a great place to vent and get advice. ((((Hugs to you))))

Please check out the Alzheimer's website...alzheimers.org. My area has monthly support group meetings that I attend when I am able. My husband is not as advanced in his dementia as yours and his manifestations were behavioral (anger and aggression). For an hour and a half, we share the challenges of living with dementia...our emotions, caregiving challenges, unsolveable problems [and some solutions]...and cry and laugh. It's very cathartic. It can be a great resource.

If it weren't for the mind-numbing repetition, some of the behaviors might be amusing.
Try to minimize your husband's opportunities for handling spatulas and English Muffins and frying pans, but when he does lose things, think of it as another anecdote in a "book" you can pretend you are writing about the Adventures of Caretaking. You can certainly say out loud anytime you need to, "I love you, dear, but you are driving me absolutely bonkers."

This is frustrating and you are human - I feel for you! Will you ever get used to this, I doubt it. Yes, you can pretend he is a child or your friends Dad - but still.
You need to share this burden - like it or not - with some part time care. Someone to help you with household tasks and with your husband, someone to share the load with, someone to give you respite so you can get out a bit. As time goes on, your hubby's needs will increase - and starting to look around now for some help will prevent you from settling for just anyone in an emergency. In the meantime, can you invest in some wifi cameras in your home? Many are very inexpensive, easy to set up, and quite effective. You will be able to use your smartphone to monitor where he is and what he is doing or hiding. Sending you a virtual hug.

Before my wife was diagnosed with dementia I was short with her and would get upset. Once I learned of the condition my whole attitude changed. I realized that the problem was me not her. In her old self that would not be her so I let it go. I try to calm and diffuse situations. The most effective thing I do is to try to change the subject or her attention to something else.

Memory care at assisted living is not only expensive and private pay, but more important is the fact that when he is no longer manageable as his disease progresses which it will, they will ask him to leave. The best solution would be to only have to move him once. Therefore I suggest you get him on Medicaid and place him in a good SNF long term. So much more affordable than AL since Medicaid pays. Plus he is constantly supervised.

Good Morning,

Look at your husband as if he were a child. You can't expect them to do the things they used to do. Their brain is wearing out.

What about a one day a week morning respite program? Even just one morning a week where you get out and do something fun for yourself.

You don't want your life to be just the 4 walls and doctor's appointments.

The pills you have to monitor and sit down and watch them ingest them. Don't leave it to chance. I log in morning and evening pills on a calendar. I have a locked box for morning and evening.

As you know there are gadgets out there for everything. Sounds like you need to get out.

Sounds like hubby needs more supervision--ask your husband's primary care doc for home services. Call on the Church people, local neighborhood respite programs and I have always found the Nurse Case Manager's in doctor's office to be extremely helpful.

You don't want your husband to get hurt or turn the oven on. Don't argue with him or correct him. It's a waste of time and not good for either of you.

Just calmly hold their, say come and sit and take a deep breath. But I would call on more services. You cannot do this alone.

I hope I was of some help to you. I know it's hard the longer it goes on but there are resources out there.

Don't get discouraged. Just step back and sing one day at a time Sweet Jesus!

I totally get it. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's much too much of a burden for anyone, and you need more help. That's why people on here are telling you that. It's really the only solution. Time to plan ahead for when it gets worse.

Maybe you should use child safety things to keep him out of drawers, closets and cabinets. As said, you hand him the pills and make sure he takes them. I also agree that ur husband is passed the early stage.

Think of him as a toddler that your constantly needing to find ways to keep save. You may need to put that toothpaste on his brush and hand it to him like I did with my Mom.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this situation.

I do think that you have a realistic point of view which is more than I feel like I had. You aren’t in denial of a diagnosis. You see the confusion.

My mother wasn’t diagnosed with mild dementia until she was near the end of her life. I believe that it progressed faster than we expected as she aged. At one point she was trying to escape out of the house at night into the streets.

I am not an expert by any means when it comes to dementia or Alzheimer’s. Posters such as Lea can share a plethora of information on the topic.

I can look back now and see that my mother most likely dealt with more confusion than I knew about.

It isn’t always easy for caregivers to see the entire picture. Maybe it’s because we wish to see the best and are sometimes in denial of reality.

The best advice that I received is to take breaks from caregiving. I wish that I had listened more to that wise advice.

It’s difficult to find humor when we are running on fumes. As far as losing our temper goes, every caregiver has dealt with being frustrated. It’s completely normal.

I hope that you will be able to find ways to refuel on a regular basis. It’s much easier than running yourself ragged until you drop, falling apart and then picking up the pieces and struggling to move forward.

I think your husband is much further along the dementia road than you realize if he's losing THIS many items continuously. He needs a lot more management, and close supervision, than he's getting right now so that his dinner is not getting misplaced, for instance. Eat together at the kitchen/dining room table where you serve the plates on the placemats, and both sit down to eat at the same time. That way, nothing is getting lost or misplaced b/c you're both together and eating the same meal at the same time. You are in control here, not him anymore, and that's how you keep ahead of what's going on: by staying on top of him. That may sound like a giant pain in the behind, but what's the alternative? Searching for spatulas, meat pounders, hammers, dishes, shoes, coats, detergents, etc. all day long. His world needs to be shrunken down so that he has less room to 'lose things' in. That's what Memory Care AL does; it shrinks their world down to a manageable size and perimeter so they can't get lost or wander off, etc. Their lives are managed FOR them b/c they can no longer manage their lives alone. The caregiver comes in in the morning and dresses them, or helps them dress, groom, wash up, etc. Then they're taken into the dining room to eat breakfast after being shown 2 different plates; one red and one blue; which would you like? Then activities are offered and toileting happens every 2 hours. Their entire world is structured for them, o/w chaos would prevail, as is happening in your house right now.

The key for you, I think, is to figure out to shrink down DH's world to where it's manageable for BOTH of you. Daycare is a great idea and whether it's expensive or not, it's a lot cheaper than full time care in Memory Care Assisted Living. Your DH is further along than you realize, so saying that daycare is for 'more advanced disease' isn't justified; give it a try and see what happens. You can't go on like this indefinitely, right? Either daycare or hire someone to come in to give you respite, and that's expensive.........one way or another, dementia care costs a lot of money.

As far as 'how do you calm down?' during your frustrated times, I think there's no easy answer to that EXCEPT to find respite. Get him into daycare or hire caregivers to come into the home. Get OUT of your house & have lunch with friends or get a mani/pedi and go shopping. That's how you regroup and regain some composure: by performing self care and removing yourself from the chaos that's going on at home.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

She also has published a workbook entitled, “It Isn’t Common Sense: Interacting with People Who Have Memory Loss Due to Dementia.”

https://www.amazon.com/Isnt-Common-Sense-Interacting-Dementia/dp/1481995995/ref=sr_1_4?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468655&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-4
 
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation.

KathleenQ, for me it's humor. My sig-other is the absent minded professor type, He didn't have much of a sense of humor when we first got together, but as we age, I am finding humor to be the best medicine. Now we both cry of laughter whenever he misplaces something.

Plus downsize what is in the house helps. I donated a lot of knick-knacks, extra sofa pillows, went through desk drawers which can get crammed with stuff, kitchen drawers and cabinets. It's just gives a wider view of things :)

I predict the younger generation will have this "distraction" because they are so glued to the cellphone. You hand them something to put away, and heaven knows where it will finally be.

Many here have found the videos of Teepa Snow on YouTube to be a big, practical help in learning to cope with dementia behaviors. Simplify his world as much as possible, paring down and removing items so there’s less to confuse. I hope you can find a local support group for further help and the advice of others who are walking where you are

I'm so sorry to be reading this. I see early signs of some kind of dementia in my DH. He loses something major every single day and he's frantic until it's found.

I can find things because I keep calm and don't slam doors and drawers and assume that someone has stolen something b/c it's 'lost'.

I think we're only a few years away from him being able to drive and travel without me.

I don't have any real advice. Just empathy. I do try to keep all horizontal surfaces as clear of stuff as I can. That helps. I pick up after him all day long, every day b/c he is always thinking of other stuff. When I find something I know he's thinking is 'lost' I put it on his nightstand. I guess we can't keep one step ahead of these guys, much as we try.

I think I am going get a bunch of 'tiles' and attach them to all the things he routinely loses. Hopefully, that will help.

We can't even have a sense of humor about this b/c it is not funny in any way, shape or form.

(((HUGS)))

Perhaps try sitting at the table together when eating dinner so you don't have to worry about him misplacing it. And staying with him when you give him his medications to make sure that he's taking them.
These sound like such simple things, and they are, and could save you a lot of undue stress.
You are the one who is going to have to learn to do things differently and quit expecting your husband to be the same as he always was, as he can no longer be. And he can't help it. His brain is now broken and it will never get better, only worse.
You're going to have to keep a much closer eye on him going forward and you must just except that that is now your "new normal."
Perhaps if you start educating yourself more about the disease of dementia, it will give you the tools you will need going forward. The book The 36 Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace and Peter V. Rabins is a great tool along with videos on YouTube from Teepa Snow, a world renowned dementia expert. She also has some great books that she's written on it.
Also look to see if your city offers a caregivers support group that you can attend in person or on Zoom as that will help you more than anything. Being able to share with folks going through similar things is priceless and can save your life.
I know that my support group saved my life while I was caring for my husband with vascular dementia.
This is and will continue to be a hard journey that you're on, so please make sure you're taking time away and doing things that you enjoy as that will help with your stress levels as well.
And remember...it's the disease, not your husband. He can no longer help it, and it's going to require much more patience and understanding on your part.
And if all else fails you can do what a lady in my support group did while caring for her mother. She would go out on her back porch and scream at the top of her lungs. She said that after that she felt much better and could continue on.
But I'm here to tell you that you can do this. Will it be hard? That would be a strong YES! It will be the hardest job you will ever do, but you will come out a much stronger and better person when it is all said and done.
God bless you both.

Laugh

The Losing Game and you have to go find it . Do You Have a area of the House you Can Be alone and create a Boundary ? I suggest sometimes to just Ignore the requests to go find Lost items and say " It was appear again " and usually It does under the Kitchen sink , freezer or in Between Magazines .