I feel so bad thinking the things I'm thinking. Yet, they are valid.
Quick story on how we got here in the first place. I made soooo many mistakes. Should have pushed my parents to do so much more for themselves or suffer the consequences instead of investing so much of my (and hubby and kids) time into taking care of their house and yard. I was so naive!
Willingly moved them in with me and hubby, almost 6 years ago.Thankfully he's very easy going and doesn't make this harder than it already is! Then dad had the nerve to die before a year had passed. Ruining the idea that they would be traveling a lot and snowbirding, etc. Nope. Just full-time mom.
Now, definite signs of dementia which we are in the midst of trying to get to the bottom of. I am the type who needs to know what I'm really dealing with and the cause and the possible treatments. So far, no answers.
For YEARS she has been unwilling/unable to make plans with anyone. Best friends for decades? Nope. Brothers? Nope. Grandkids? Nope. In the last couple of years things have really changed for me with the addition of the grandkids. I love every minute I can spend with me. But mom is needy and needs more than I can give her for social time. And she could really benefit from spending time with other people. What a totally boring life she leads. I'd lose my mind.
Biggest complaint? Wants me to hang out with her and play games even though it's time to make dinner, clean up the kitchen etc. It's like REALLLLLLY???? Who the heck do you think is going to make dinner? And all the other things you can't/won't do? There is no good fairy around here. Just me. I REFUSE to give up more of my life and self than I already have. NO WAY.
I know she could definitely benefit from more social interaction. I have suggested it sooooo many times. For years. She always makes excuses for why she doesn't do it. "Oh I don't mind being alone. I was alone a lot before I moved here." HMM, then WHY are you practically running to the door when I get home to see if I'm going to be hanging out with you to play games or whatever. Holy crap, I am BUSY. And I like it that way.
Tonight, I told her, in passing, that we need to find someone to play games with her. She can only play a few things now and even then she makes a lot of mistakes and I correct her and let her do the moves she meant to do and just lost track, etc. No one else is going to do that.
I don't think this post makes much sense, so I'm quite sorry about that. My mind is going in a lot of directions with a lot of options on my plate to consider.
What do I tell her without making her feel like $hit? Yes, mom you are being a pain in my neck. Honesty is not going to work.
Her condition is not dire. She does most things for herself except the more complicated things like filling her med containers and doing her bills, etc. So she doesn't really need a helper at home. I did have her hire a cleaning service for her room and bathroom since she could not take care of them properly.
Assisted living? She would get the opportunity to be around people which would be good. Since she is a little confused, I wonder if it would be too much and make her stay in her room instead of participating? She does NOT need a nursing home and her level of dementia has yet to be determined but is not anywhere near MC level.
I feel like I'm in a weird kind of limbo here. And can't decide which way to turn. Please excuse the babbling.....
OK, I'm ready for some tough love here. Help me see some solutions and ways to make things better for both of us.
I was used to my mother being demanding and difficult and I really can’t pinpoint when it went from unreasonable behaviour to dementia. In hindsight, I enabled her to live on her own for years. Here’s the kick in the teeth: She has NO idea she lived in said granny flat for almost 20 years. Thinks she went from her city house to this “hotel” (respite home). She’s been there a month and was assessed as having advanced dementia. Yet she still thinks she’s fine and just needs me to do a little bit more for her.
Oh, and she’s very angry that someone (must have been me) kept her hostage in her home for years as she can’t remember the last time she went shopping or visited friends.
This only gets worse. Investigate AL and MC now. You have to take control. A broken brain doesn’t care if it ruins your life.
these are words i’ll stamp in my mind — so i remember to protect/save myself.
It really is okay that you will feel bad. Let yourself feel it.
As our friend Alva says, it’s GRIEF.
We felt really bad when our kids had to go to school for the first time. But, it’s NECESSARY.
We felt really bad when when we insisted that our kids do chores before they went out to play, and they told us that they hated us. But, it was necessary for them to grow up knowing how to do household tasks and share the family’s burdens.
We felt really bad so many times in life…but all for necessary reasons.
I understand. She’s your Mom. And, it hurts. But, sometimes, change is just NECESSARY.
And, as Lea says, YOU are worth taking care of, too!
Find a few that float your boat. Maybe even chat with a few residents. Find some that seem to be on your Mom’s level. Maybe they can help put your mind at ease.
It doesn’t hurt to find out, in case you end up wanting to make this change.
You sound like you really are ready to. 😉
I am kind of ready but kind of feel BAD!!! I just sent my sister a ranting type of text. She's great and will totally understand. She takes mom a few days to a week almost every month but would NEVER entertain the idea of her actually living there. And I thought *I* was the smart one! LOL
You are heading into the "senior taking care of super-senior" territory. Not good for your health.
If your mom is the type to take offense easily, then no amount of sugar-coating is going to make her happy. But putting the onus on YOUR health might make it a little easier to swallow.
If your mom has the beginnings of dementia, planning now and getting her into a good place while she still has the capacity to adjust and meet folks is key. The time will come when she won't be able to be left alone at all and you become as housebound as she is, unless she can afford a lot of hired help.
I come down, almost always, on the side of having elders live in congregate settings. People are meant to be with other people--kids in school and daycare, adults at jobs and the like. I don't think sitting around alone is a particularly healthy thing to do. For anyone.
Tell your mom what you have to about your own health to make this palatable. She'll adjust.
Christine Ann Lawson's book "Understanding the Borderline Mother" - don't worry, let me explain - deals with a category she terms The Hermit (I suspect you have a hermit on your hands) and describes what she calls how to manage the hermit "without feeding her fear." It's a jolly good and useful book, I found, and you don't have to stick any label on your mother to benefit from its lessons; but as is the way with such books somebody's pinched mine so I can't quote exactly.
Think of your mother like a six year old hanging on painfully to your thigh instead of jumping into the pool and having a brilliant time with all the other six year olds. It's frustrating, and let's face it it can be a flipping nuisance too, and worst of all you feel bad for all she's missing out on. But she's scared. You're the only person she knows for sure won't hurt her.
And you *won't* hurt her. Relax. Whatever changes you do or don't make, and whatever your mother's reaction, have confidence in yourself. Trust yourself to treat her kindly.
Take cxmoody's advice & go tour a few places but not the corporate owned ones, if possible. Talk to the RESIDENTS and see what they have to say about how life is in the ALF, and go from there.
If mom moves in, you can go visit her twice a week and have dinner together!
Strongly consider it, for both of your sakes. My mother had the time of her life when she lived in AL, she really did. She's in Memory Care now which is a horse of another color, but she's still busy with activities all day long and interacting with others vs. doing nothing at all living with me.
Good luck!
I don't think AL is bad, not at all. Mostly I wish I had steered my parents to it 10 years ago when they could not take care of their house and yard.
My issue is mostly about saying "Mom, you need to move out of my house!!". Even in the nicest way possible, the bottom line is the same and I am sure she will be hurt and feel bad, etc. Ugh. I guess when I decide to move forward, I'll just have to put on my big girl panties and do it.
Are you prepared to handle her increasing physical needs? What is her financial situation? Can she afford an AL? That is absolutely what she needs, and, like Barb wrote, better to have her adjust to congregate living now.
I would LOVE my MIL to go (because it’s SO much cheaper than hiring an PSW, but my MIL doesn’t like to do anything, and I doubt I could get her to go more than once (I’m saving it for when I’ll REALLY need it).
Senior day care would tire her out and give her time with some peers, etc. And food that I don't have to prepare for her.
Also consider board & care homes, if you think it might suit your mom to be somewhere with fewer people. I only mention it as she sounds like she's an introvert.
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