I'm forever grateful for anyone that takes the time to read this and has any advice or opinion on my situation. I’m happy for finding this website that seems to have many knowledgeable and supportive people who have been through similar experiences or offer advice to help others heal, and endure through hardships with family members.
My story is long, but I will try to get to the point quickly. My father passed away 2 years ago from a vicious battle with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease). It’s been devastatingly hard to keep moving forward. Since the beginning of his first fall, to the day were he laid paralyzed from head to toe, I was present with my 7 and 12 year old daughters; helping out my mother as a caretaker, changing his diapers, feeding him, etc. Any few spare minutes I had, I would attend to my daughters while choking on tears. I worked 40 + hour/week and had to manage to take him to numerous doctors and therapy appointments. My mother knowing limited English, also worked, however wouldn’t go to any of his appointments saying she had to stay home and cook, or clean.
Since my fathers passing, my family (2 daughters and husband) have been staying and sleeping over my mothers house for 3 weeks, then going back to our house for a week to take care of needed things and then back to her house for 3 weeks again. This was to help out with chores, cutting grass, making certain needed phone calls and keeping her company. For the last 3 years we have been back and forth. My mother is 62, very healthy and works 40 hours/week. She doesn’t have any friends nor any family down here, so basically (my father) and I are her family. She hasn’t spoken to her mother for over 30 years (reason is unknown) and just recently started to begin reaching out and talking to her. I have came back to my house this past month and found ants all over and felt the house needed some upkeep, since we haven’t really lived in it for almost 3 years. I haven't gone back to my mothers house in 3 weeks and have been staying in my own home cleaning and thinking of getting my life in order.
I have been feeling depressed and so I haven’t reached out to my mother only through a short text, once a week. My mother will never call me, she will wait until I call her, and whenever I have asked her why she never calls me, she will respond she has nothing to say. She has always been like that. Yesterday, my mother sent me a message that reads:
Do you remember me? I’m your mother, who carried you for 9 months! The woman who gained 20 pounds because of you, and who underwent a painful birthing process to bring you into this world. The woman who did not sleep many nights, and raised you; until you met you’re own husband! Do you know who I am? Do you remember me? Why aren’t you calling your mother, at least once in a while!? Is it that hard to do?
I feel somewhat at a loss of words and I don’t know what to reply… I’m shocked at the message from her because I have always been there 150% every day and hour. She is a closed in person, who hides her feelings and I’m sure she is feeling down and angry about everything, but I never received anything like this from her.
I have a brother who is younger than me and has never been around or helped out with anything. He left the house at 18 years old and fast forward 20 + years and he just recently started calling my mom. A while back I asked her; why don’t you ask him, why he has never reached out to you through all the hardships. Why didn’t he ever sent you a “Happy Mother’s” message? Her response was, maybe he changed and anyhow sons are different from daughters with their moms. I beg to differ but remained quiet. I’m hurt by this and feel it’s somewhat hypocritical. I feel lost in my life, I miss my father and I put on a smile everyday for my kids, and my own mother. I’m just looking for some advice on how to respond. My husband said to ignore it; act like she never sent it and my heart tells me otherwise. Please help.
Second, don't feel guilty, just understand that she is feeling lonely and, probably, a bit over-self-pitying. But just be bemused.
You can have your girls send her something-a picture, short note, etc.
Last, cut way back on the visits!!! She seems perfectly capable of taking care of her own house. At any event, now that you set that pattern, it won't be easy to break it, and DON'T feel you have to offer any more of an excuse than your own family's increasing needs.
good luck.
I think it’s appropriate to write her back just as she has written you. Lay out how you cared for your father, gave up your own home to live with her for years, 3 weeks at a time. If she never appeared thankful or grateful, you have an opportunity to point that out. You can explain that you love her, if you want, but also explain that now you are married and have children, that your family comes first and you must attend to that. You can say you are hurt that she doesn’t reach out to call YOU…that the phones work both ways. Ask if you can compromise and you call one week and she calls the next. I see no point in enabling her by living there…that needs to end.
one thing that helped me when my dad would be nasty or ungrateful for all I did…was to write a letter that helped me vent…but not mail it. You could do that as a form of therapy.
But do write her back..do not ignore it as your husband suggested. That would be letting her win by confirming her opinion that she has of you. Speak your mind and speak from the heart and let her know. Don’t mail it immediately, re read it and be happy with it before mailing.
You have a choice. You can respond by being more communicative or by ignoring it. Whether she responds well if you DO interact more is another matter but at 62 you can at least discuss this and expect a rational response.
If you really don't want to do more than you already do, then ignoring her might be your best bet.
Good luck! x
My heart goes out to you, as it cut me to the quick. I'm 70 and still healing from this treatment. Take good care of you and your family, and do what you can for your mom, recognizing your boundaries.
Did you give her an explanation as to why you didn't return? I just seems rather abrupt to me and I can't help but think she is having all kinds of imaginations. Perhaps she feels abandoned.
Surely there is a group of Polish people that gather together in your mom's area. My father has "Sons of Italy" where he lives. Check into it for her.
I had a very oil and water relationship with my mother. What worked for me was to express myself in letters to allow her to try to understand without us deteriorating into a shouting match. When she was first diagnosed with cancer, as the nurse, my siblings never doubted I'd be the one to step up. I arranged doctors, treatments, took her to radiation and helped Dad care for her in the last 2 weeks of life at home. One of the last things she said to me was all those letters were in the desk next to her. I should take them out and destroy without reading so they wouldn't upset ME. It felt that all I had poured out to her had no value at all. Looking back 35 years now, I don't regret sending them.
What you might do, is write your letter to your mom but hold off sending. Start a journal. Understand that her expectations for you are beyond what you are able to give her and if you try, you'll never meet them without loss to your family and yourself. As others have suggested, call her, keep it brief but don't engage.
"I birthed you" is the oldest BS guilt in the world. Don't give her rent space in your head!! It's not easy. Believe me. Take care of YOU>
Trying to defend yourself to your mother will only escalate her negativity and your hurt and frustration.
Offer appropriate help when it is really needed, but tend to your own home and family first.
But there was no way she could live by herself with previous neighbors moving away or dying off. There was no one there, and Mom was making really bad decisions, i.e. allowing the gardener who she knew nothing about into the house, and giving way too much information to spam phone callers, break-ins in the neighborhood, driving skills going downhill, etc. I never even considered whether she was doing her medications properly.
The first 2 years we were constantly butting heads, then lessened. And now pretty good most of the time. It has been difficult but better now. Her ST memory most of the time is pretty well shot..... reading the paper and re-reading an article headlines 4 and 5 times over the course of a few minutes... ( we are at #4 at this particular moment ....sighhh.. LOL!! ). She uses the walker most of the time, but because she "tries to strengthen her legs" she thinks walking without is better. So I grit my teeth and know that sometime down the road, she may have THE EVENT that lands in her in the hospital and onto assisted living.
But, Bowgirl, order food delivery for her!!! It is a godsend !! Mom can't be left alone and I order food delivery all the time.
Because of her narcissism and "absolute control" I could NEVER have done this at a younger age. And overall it has been a good thing for us, especially as my youngest daughter lives with us and does so much for the both of us.
You have me mistaken. I’m the daughter who HAS been present for you my whole life - including the most intense past 3 years to tend to both you and Dad - taking him to all of his doctor visits that you refused to, your good health not withstanding. Shouldn’t that letter have been what my Grandma should’ve sent to you?
It’s time for me to take care of my family now and my mental health and seek professional mental help.
I suggest that you do the same. I wish I could give you more attention, but my life won’t run itself.
Since I love you and always will, I will call, text or visit when I can. Meanwhile, I encourage you to focus on being for your mother everything you expect from me. She probably really needs you, and if you’re feeling this way about me - who has always been there for you, how much more could grandma be feeling this way?
I think you’re right. I think we should all communicate more regularly, as this is a very difficult time for us all.
I love you mom, and always will.
———
One thing to keep in mind is that you never asked to be born. You never made her take care of you. It’s what she was supposed to do because it was her decision to have you. Since you are a good person, you chose to help your parents as much as you could. And that can continue as you can, but she needs to understand - if not acknowledge your side of things and your responsibilities as well.
Love and prayers for you.
Your mom is guilting you into being her all in all. Don't fall for it! Be strong and get some family counseling. Centerstone is providing counseling for me free of charge. I hope your husband is 100% in your corner like mine is.
Give yourself space from Mom to grieve your Dad and move forward with your family in your own home. Guilt is a toxic emotion.
After reading what you wrote, I immediately identified with some of what you wrote. The guilt perpetrated on you for no reason sounds just like my own mother who I know has a narcissist personality disorder. (Although she sees herself as perfect, without blame for anything, never apologizes for anything, and is always right). Hopefully, that is not the case with your mother. I have gotten over the years, not only emails but phone calls very much the same, but even more hostile in nature than yours. It's become that nothing is ever enough and I realize at least with my own mother, it never will be. But one thing I find is that I have to not fall into a trap of thinking that whatever I do for her will truly be appreciated, with her it is expected. It sounds to me that you and your family have gone above and beyond in helping out. But in your case your mother seems to allow you to help. In my case she doesn't and needs to control everything and everyone, but I'm sure that can be done in various ways, and sometimes we don't even realize it is happening. It took me a long time to realize what was wrong with my family unit and especially my mother. My Dad unfortunately was an enabler and he took abuse and expected me to ignore what she did and made excuses. Ignoring things never worked for me, only made it worse. You're right to go with your instinct and what is good for you. Hopefully for you and your family it is not narcissism, but it wouldn't hurt to look up as I did, narcissist mothers and their relationships with their daughters. I'd never want to see anyone go through the emotional abuse and trauma that I have lived and continue to. Hope it helps, not an expert, but I started questioning behavior as you are, which is a start.
I can relate as I have had somewhat similar experiences and expressions coming from my mother. It took a long time to recognize what has been slowly happening when she started to change. Her regular doctor FINALLY diagnosed her with vascular dementia. But she continued to insist she needed no help and lived on her own. Fiercely independent, self isolated, no family or friends but us, wouldn’t let anyone come in to clean or cook (threw them out), threw us out a time or two, etc.
My husband and I realized after all the trips (6 hours one way) and taking care of maintenance and cleaning and security etc at her very large house, living there while she was in rehab for nearly 3 months and other times, and my husband working full time remotely (I had to shut down my business) that we had to take action quickly because it was pulling us down with her, and we knew we needed to be ok ourselves in order to be able to take care of her.
Mom was living completely by herself, would not let anyone help her or come in, very wobbly on her feet, not eating, couldn’t take care of her house, and we feared she would fall. We couldn’t sleep and worried constantly about her. One night, she actually fell and broke her hip last November (God graciously put us there while on a brief trip at the exact moment when she fell.) We knew it was “the event” that would change everything for us all. Called the EMTs who came and took her to ER for hip surgery. That’s when rehab started and the long road back to better health and living situation.
She ended up in rehab for 2 months and her dementia got worse. While there, the professional medical rehab team told us and her in a face to face team meeting that she could no longer live by herself. She didn’t like it but she “got it”. So we took the opportunity, found a great assisted living place where we live and told her I would be flying with her to our town and moved her into Assisted Living 3.5 miles away from us. Absolutely the best decision for all of us.
Difficult up and down days, but she is so much better!! She is slowly getting used to it. So much more to this story.
Her house is now sitting vacant in her hometown and we need to get appraisals and sell it, her car, and all the contents ASAP. But at least we can manage that for now long distance, making fewer trips and engaging services there, and we can relax more now that she’s in a place with staff and food, PT/OT weekly, medical team, medication management, and activities, social interaction, etc. And we can be there in 10 minutes to take her out, go see her, etc. any day, anytime.
So my first recommendation is for you and your husband to discuss the fact that you need to get outside counsel and help you and to help her, to get your own lives back on track, and help move you forward all this. You need to develop a team to support you to get through it all.
My help and peace is knowing that God is with us and I can pray through it to have peace that He will move things forward and open doors, which he has graciously done. We now have a strong team in place (legal, financial, medical, tax, assisted living team, realtor, Etc)
Talk with your mom’s doctor and get their thoughts and opinion about about all this. But mainly, talk to your doctor about how all this is affecting you and also your husband, as well. Find a great counseling service to help you deal with all the negative things in your situation and start moving you and your husband in a positive direction on your lives. You both need to be strong in your own lives and situation first and foremost.
We also hired a Geriatric Care Manager through an agency who is helping us with her and counseling us through everything, visits her, and makes recommendations or her health and well-being as well as our own, and interfaces with the team at her AL facilit
I would write her a note explaining how you have been there for her when your dad was ill.
I highly recommend the book Boundaries by Townsend. You need to set boundaries and stick to them.
Of five siblings, I have always been the one to do the most for her. I would take her to the doctor, grocery shopping, dollar store shopping, out to eat, and whatever else it was she decided she needed me to do for her that day. My days with mom were very long, and particularly so because she couldn't go in the morning because of a bowel issue. I get up at 6 or 7, then go over there at 12 or 12:30, and then not get home til 7 or 8 at night. One time I took her out, I explained that I had very little time today. We went out to eat and during that time, she was screwing around with her food and I asked her if she needed help. She looked at me and said "I have all the time in the world." I was ticked off.
One time I complained to one of my siblings about all that I do for mom and he had the nerve to tell me that I complain all the time. I told him that it may seem like I complain all the time because I only see him once a year.
Off subject. Sorry.
My mom has been mean to me it seems like forever. Now that she's in assisted living and visitation was horrible, when visitation FINALLY opened up to in-room visits, her room was horrible. I spent my entire hour cleaning her room instead of visiting. Cleaning is something that staff should be doing; however, mom is very stubborn and pretty much would not allow them to do things. She is a fall risk and a lot of the items in her room (empty oxygen tanks, mattress pad, and a whole lot of other things) were making her room unsafe. I fixed it, or so I thought.
The very next day I tried to schedule another visit and was unable to do so. I called her to explain that I wouldn't be able to visit until the next week. Her response to me was not good. She said "you can't visit anymore you are too mean to me." So, I stayed away for THREE weeks. Did not even visit for Easter. My thoughts: you can't expect me to do things for you and then turn around and be mean to me. I am the one who gets the phone calls in the middle of the night when she is experiencing sundowners. I am pretty much the one she calls if she needs anything done...like call the office and ask them to come up and check my phone. She can call me, but not the office????????
My advise...stay away for a while. It may click in why you are staying away, and it may not click in. I stayed away from my mom for almost a year in 2018. I was hoping that other family members would realize all that I had been doing. Instead of only one or two people helping her, grandkids and great grandkids were helping her.
You need to think about you and your family. Your mom is very young. She doesn't need you. If she can work a 40 hour job, she can clean her own house and do her own grocery shopping. She will eat when she needs to. She will not starve to death.
I know I skitted from place to place in this diatribe of mine, but it is important that you think of yourself. Yes, staying away may make you feel like crap, but staying away might also help you feel better. I would spend all that time with mom, and then come home and rant at my husband about all the things that happened that day. I would say, "okay, enough. I won't say anymore." Then within three seconds I would say "and then......." on and on and on. It did not hurt my marriage, but it really could have. Don't let that happen to you.
If you were there to handle all her household tasks, who did you send to handle those things - like the mowing, etc.
Try to reconnect at a lower level. Instead of spending the night, or 3 weeks at a time - go and spend one night and make it a family dinner night. Before hand, go visit with her and tell her the message hurt you and you understand being alone hurt her. Talk about all the things that went 'undone' at your house while you stayed with her for the past 3 years - serious household issues that have to be fixed. Don't bring up the brother - if he hasn't participated all this time, unlikely to start now. But you never know. If she's talking to her mom and your brother, perhaps they will put old issues aside and start visiting.
I just think if you had weaned her a little slower from your presence in the house, this change might have gone better. Still, I'm not saying she was right/you were wrong - it was just a big change for someone who ended up in the empty house.
I would distance myself from her. I had to have therapy to distance myself from an unloving mother like that. If you need to get some help to do that, get it.
I think your husband is right. Only because a person like her does not care how you feel. She wants you to feel bad and give up your life and happiness for her and she obviously does not value or appreciate you giving up 4 lives for her. This effects your family. Shes only 62. I'm 60 and stuck with an 85 year old mean nasty person who favours her 1st born son who does nothing. I live with her. I greet her with a smile each morning and get an ugly scowl. She's making me feel like how dare you have had me just to treat me like sh$t? It goes both ways. I didn't ask to be her daughter and I didn't impregnate her. If I had the choice I would have never been born.
Since you have your own house and life it's time for you to take it all back. I know it's hard but start doing it. Let her be miserable without you. She has no friends for a reason. Stop feeling sorry for her. She is young enough to take care of herself.
I started asking my cell...why does my mother hate me? Start there. You are not alone. There's lots of us who get treated like you. Stop taking it. Start taking care of your own head and just live your life at your home with your husband and kids. It also messes up your kids to watch you being treated like garbage. Its not right. You deserve happiness gf. You really do. I also lost my Dad so I feel for you. I'm very sorry about your loss. Remember that you are a good person because you are! Your husband and children need you more than your mom does. If you have the nerve...tell her...well Mom, sorry I'm not good enough for you but you need to remember one thing...I did not ask to be born.
I dont know if my rambling helped or not but just know you are loved and valued by your little family and in the end that's all that matters. I only wish you happiness in your life. I don't want you to be 60 and regret everything you wasted trying to make her happy. It's so not worth it. Believe me. It's not worth it. All the best🙂
I think your first loyalty should be to your family. Your children and husband need you. Your mom is still young, I’m 63 and still working. I expect to keep working until I’m 70.
Is there an agency on aging in your area? They may offer counseling to her as she is grieving. We have great resources for seniors through the university where I teach; classes are offered as part of Osher Lifelong Learning. Are there classes offered through the Recreation department that she might enjoy? Art? Yoga? Our Parks & Rec dept has a senior walking group on Saturday morning. It may take some convincing, but combined with grief counseling, she may be more open to the idea. If she’s into sport type activity, pickle ball is very popular..there’s a senior league for that too.
My parents look to us to solve their problems, be there in emergencies, and more. It’s as though they expect us to be there whenever they need us and their rationale is “we didn’t move, you did”. They’ve been in their house for 51 years and live in one of the least affordable places to live. Us kids were priced out, but my parents just won’t understand that.
We have had to set limits with my parents. Some of their rages were ridiculous, some of their comments were unkind, untrue and mean. We told them if they wanted to stay in their home, it was going to cost them $___ to do so. My mom has dementia and wanders, they have 24/7 in-home care. We gave them other options, they shot them all down. The whole situation is crazy, and their choice.
If you can help your mom get comfortable with her situation and be happier now, she may age to be more content. Things don’t get easier as we and our parents get older.
Best wishes. Take care of you too. Counseling helped me and my siblings.
I read books a few years ago about narcissism and the golden child, because although I understood the definitions, I didn't really understand the process. They really helped me understand that I wasn't to blame.
They also helped me understand that the narcissistic person can never change, never.
Only the people around them who understand it can adapt, some with less contact, some with walking away or out of the room when something nasty is said, and some going no contact.
The best advice I have is to be kind to yourself, and spend time doing things for yourself and your family. Your mom is 62 ? What if she lives another 40 years? I am 67 and my mom is 96. You need to have a plan for you and your husband and your children. Find a way of letting go ..... a way that you can handle. Find a way to be happy.
You are correct that a narcissist won't change so we have to learn how to meet their needs - not necessarily their wants - while still protecting ourselves and our own families. I've been watching YT videos by Dr. Les Carter about recognizing and dealing with a narcissist. They are very helpful and I encourage you to check them out.
Good luck Brokenheart0504!