How do I set boundaries?
Hello all. Back story, My cousin committed suicide June 30th. He was his parent's caregiver. I was the only one to step up and help them. My Aunt is bedridden and my Uncle has severe depression and dementia. They were in their home until mid September where they both got hospitalized with Covid. They both agreed to a nursing home. I figured this would make my life easier. NOT! Im completely wiped out. They have no idea about how much this had impacted my life. Selling their home and taking care of their affairs. Emptying their house was exhausting. I couldn't find help but my hubby. My Aunt and Uncle expect me to be there daily with food. Not to mention all her demands and complaints about the home. I can keep going on and on. Im sure you all know. How do I talk with them about boundaries? I want my life back. I want to spend time with my grandchildren while they are still babies. I just feel so alone and cry with frustration. I am in therapy and it helps but seeked out this forum from people going through this as well. Thank you so much..
Where are they now that you have to bring them food? Aren't they in a facility? Why are you bringing them food?
Don't answer their calls daily. Let all calls to to voicemail, then decide whether you really need to call back. No one can be assumed into a caregiving role. You have all the power. The power to say, "No, I won't do that". Period. And you don't even need to say that out loud to them. This is what defending a boundary is.
You don't have to discuss boundaries with them because they won't agree with any of it. They aren't responsible for seeing and respecting your boundaries, only you are. You stated you are in therapy, so why isn't the counselor helping you identify boundaries and teaching you how to defend them? At your next session you need to insist on this. Or, maybe the counselor has already done this with you but you haven't practiced the defending part yet.
You have all the power in this situation. Why are you hesitant to get out of it? If they're in a facility they are getting all the care they need. You are making it harder than it probably is. Are you worried about what other family members might think of you? Do you feel guilty because of their son's suicide? You didn't make that problem and you can't fix it but if you stay, you're making a much worse problem, for yourself.
Bless you for the copious help you've given to date but now you can stop and care about them from a safe distance.
If so you can explain to them that you have to step back that your family needs you. Tell them that you can give them 1 day a week. (pick a day that is good for you) and on that day you can help them out with errands.
Are you POA for either or both? Do they need a POA?
If they are not cognizant talk to the Social Worker at the facility and tell them that you can not be making decisions for them and that they need to have a Guardian appointed. Ideally a family member would be appointed but if you are the only family then the Court will appoint one. That person will make all decisions for your Aunt and Uncle.
Please do not let them "guilt" you into doing more than you can manage or want to manage..
Boundaries are set in place to protect you. One does not talk to them about your boundaries, their input doesn't matter.
Sit down with them and explain your boundaries, such as " I will not be here with food every day you are getting fed by the facility daily". "I will no longer be your complaint department, I do not want to hear about them daily, if you persist I will either hang up the phone or leave the premises".
Just a couple of recommendations. If you do not stop this now, they will totally consume you, it is what the elderly can do.
Sending support your way.
Firstly:
Talk to your therapist about boundaries, not your aunt and uncle.
Boundaries are created BY you and FOR you and it is something that others must respect because they are NOT up for discussion. They are set in STONE by YOU, and they are to be respected and obeyed.
Secondly:
Read the good book Boundaries by Henry Cloud. A good book full of simple anecdotes by people just like you.
Thirdly:
You say the house was sold by you. Were you acting as POA at that time and have you kept meticulous records of these sales and is the money all put in Aunt and Uncle's name safely?
Do you fully understand your Fiduciary duties under the law if you are helping with their finances? Are they mentally competent?
If so, consider resigning as POA and allowing a PAID Licensed Financial Fiduciary to work with them. If you are not already POA do not do this work. Let them hire someone and turn over all records you are keeping to that person.
Fourthly:
I have no idea what you mean by they want you to bring food. They are in a nursing home, I believe you told us. It is the nursing home who feeds them. If you are carting in food for them then you have some serious issues here that may be beyond discussion on a forum and should stay in the realm of a GOOD licensed therapist, and by this I mean a cognitive therapist with a degree in psychology.
So glad that you found the Forum and I hope you stick around and read questions and answers. You will get a lot of good information. This couple is NOT your responsibility. You cannot make them happy and in fact when you take them on you are removing yourself from being their beloved niece to being a caregiver, which is a role and definition that is someone who sets rules we don't like and we fight those rules as part of our roles.
Wishing you good luck.
Yes, I am the POA. I have an Elder Care lawyer that has been guiding me this whole way.
Im so glad I found this forum and will be definitely sticking around for advice :)
All summer my husband and I cleaned out his house, I established an eldercare attorney that is in charge of Mediciad Long Term care process and I tended to his needs as far as visiting, laundry and an occational homemade meal. One day while visiting I realized it was mentally and physically tiring to visit so much. So I began establishing boundries and am visiting every 7-10 days. If time, weather or health doesn't permit it may be longer between visits because I know he is safe, well fed and has socialization opportunities. It isn't I don't love him but I need to love myself more. Realized to give up yourself is hurting many more that you in the long run.
You don't need to bring your aunt and uncle food. In fact, that might be counter-productive if the nursing home has any kind of specialized diet for them. Sometimes getting off a meal schedule or a having certain food can interfere with medication, such as something that needs to be take on an empty stomach or with food or might interact with a certain food.
If your aunt wants to complain about the nursing home, she doesn't need you as an audience. She has your uncle, and she has the staff who are used to dealing with elderly complainers. Again, your availability as a sounding board might be distracting them from settling into the routine there. Of course, they'd rather be home and be in charge, so they're not happy. But that's not feasible for safety reasons. So once more, look back at all you've done with pride, and tell them that it was a long haul, but together you've gotten them all situated, so you'll be going back to focus on your own husband, children, and grandchildren, who need you back in their lives. And discipline yourself to DO IT and not be aunt and uncle's beck and call.
Stop taking food. They are fed 3 meals a day. If you want to take a favorite thing every so often, then do that. I will bet because your POA they think you are at their beck and call, your not. Thats not the responsibility of a POA. They are safe and cared for in the nursing home. There are activities and other people to talk to. You don't need to be there all the time and don't need to be there more than a half hour.
I saw my Mom everyday because she literally was up the street in an Assisted Living. I could pop in when I was out. It was 15 to 30 min. at the most. She had Dementia. When she transferred to Longterm care that was in the next town, so every other day. Your Aunt and Uncle do not control your life. You set your own boundaries. This is a good time with holidays coming up. Your not visiting as much because ur busy with the holiday. No, can't bring food, don't have time for preparing or picking up. And just continue this pattern into the next year. Only time for one call a day. Maybe about 7pm when they are settled in after dinner and just before you sit down for the night. Stop listening to their complaints. Tell them nothing you can do about it, they need to complain to the staff. If your getting calls from the facility that are not emergencies or they have fallen, tell the staff they need to handle it. Your a niece not a child. Its sad but your Aunt and Uncle are no longer in charge of their lives. Other people are needed to help them. Your time and family trumps your Aunt and Uncle. You are allowed to say No. No reason need to be given, just no.
Thank you so much for your input. This forum is really helpful in what I already knew but wasn't doing! Thank you :)
But...why are you bringing them food daily? So many posts here about difficult relatives they finally get into a facility, yet they still visit for HOURS every day!?Their parents or whomever continue with constant ridiculous demands, and they run around and keep doing them! They are paying for a staff to cater to them!
The #1 reason parents get placed is because their adult children can't handle all their demands/needs. They have full time jobs, or their own families to take care of. Selling their home filled with 50 years of crap was no easy job. You could have HIRED help, but most adult kids don't. They follow the elder's orders! Did you get paid for all that work? I doubt it.
As far as their other complaining, IGNORE THEM. All elders in facilities complain. There is nothing else for them to do! Especially if one is bedridden and the other has dementia. Aren't they even upset about the poor cousin?
You didn't cause them to get old and sick. Neither did your poor cousin. None of it is your fault, so you must see that simple reality.
Time for you to start pulling away, cutting visits down and time spent on their needs. You can't be a free slave to them forever! Do not bring them food (or pay for it). Remind them every time you visit (when leaving) that you are "so glad they are in a safe place and taken care of by medical professionals." Repeat it as needed. Repeat it 100 times!
Let these two complain to the staff (and each other.) I'd tell them (as you pull back on daily visits) you are are SOOO glad they are together and safe. Now you have to focus on your own family, so you cannot come running daily. They can order food delivered, for starters, take them some menus from places that deliver. It will give them something to do...and they pay for it!
Stop visiting them daily. Cut back to twice a week, then once a week max. For just 20 minutes quick check, not sit there for hours! Put your phone on Do Not Disturb after 4pm daily, or let their calls go to Voice Mail. I'd even consider a white lie about your "many new duties at work, since another person quit." Make something up!
You owe these two NOTHING. Think of how they drove your poor cousin crazy enough to possibly end his own life. Is that what you want? They are being taken care of, so take your life back!
Nope didn't get paid! I just wanted them situated and in a safe space. Figured that would be the pay off. As of yesterday, I kept my word to myself and stayed home! She called me of course to complain about the food. But she did recognize when I said I cant be there daily. She actually said she will have to make due. lol.. I told her I loved her and that was it!
I really appreciate everyone s input here. I needed to hear from ones that have gone through this.
Thank you so much :)
Don’t let these two people and their ENDLESS needs take out another person. They’ve already killed off one caregiver! Don’t become their next victim.
Also, you don't have to answer every phone call and go running every time your aunt wants something. You don't have to listen to her demands and complaining either. You choose to. The fact that you've helped them so much already is proof that you're a kind-hearted and generous person. Many times what happens to people who are is they get taken advantage of.
If your aunt still has her faculties tell her that you can't do anymore for them and that you're going to let the court appoint a conservator because their neediness cannot be your whole life. If she can't accept this stop visiting or limit the visiting. Same with the phone calls.
Im not ready to give up POA yet but if it gets worse I definitely will.
My dad who lives in Cali @80 years old is fit and active. He tells me Im the angel of the family. I said yeah well, Im clipping my wings! I told him he better have his affairs in order because I cant do this ever again! This has been this most difficult time in my entire life! Even when my Mom was dying from cancer and being there everyday for her wasn't this exhausting!
Thank you so much for your input. Its so helpful talking with people who have gone through this.