I have been caregiver to my father for 14 years now. I have been struggling to establish much needed caregiver boundaries. Every time I do my father gets upset, I feel guilty and at times I feel my mother tries to override my boundaries to protect my father’s feelings. I don’t know what to do. I appreciate anyone who reads this.
As long as you're their only answer, you'll be their only answer. So time to give them a different option.
You ask how to establish boundaries. I suggest working with a therapist yourself and a social worker or geriatrician to figure out a more workable care plan for your parents than yourself indefinitely.
Your Parents are going to have whatever reactions to your setting boundaries and this does not mean that the boundaries are wrong. They will get upset and try all their usual techniques. They want to maintain the status quo. You are going to have to forge your own path. Maybe you can start small. Go out one evening a week to a class, volunteer work, part time job, start dating, whatever YOU want.
Or maybe make a 3 or 6 month plan. By September 1, I will (fill in the blank — have a job, move out on my own, take a two-week trip on my own —whatever it is you want and is achievable) You can tell them and your siblings the plan, or not. You need support to make your plan a reality. You can do it!!
Without knowing your entire situation, 14 years is a very long time to provide caregiving. No parents should ever want or expect this from their adult child, much less use guilt or manipulation to make it continue. The power lies entirely with you to change this dynamic. Your father is totally capable of receiving help from others. I hope you’ll read the book, enact healthy boundaries, and change your life for the better. Remember, if you don’t guard your own wellbeing, no one else will do it for you
Do you have POA for both? If not, set your boundary by insisting that without POAs you won't be able to take care of them in the future as you should. And that you will be moving out to your own place, because you're not equipped to be their caregiver. (Maybe you never were.)
Unfortunately, families sometimes appoint the person they think should be their caregiver, scapegoat, care slave and prisoner. Usually it's the one they believe will set the fewest boundaries and have the least demands. When that person tries to break out of the assigned role, parents go ballistic. "WHAT? You have the nerve to upset our carefully constructed stage set that we created so we wouldn't have to take responsibility for ourselves? How dare you!" Note: What your parents are doing to you is called Triangulation. Please look it up.)
It's time for you to get out of there and live your own life. They'll find someone else to manipulate. "Oh, but I can't do that! It would hurt them make them hate me maybe they'll die the guilt the guilt the guilt!!!!" But you can, and so what? Your parents should want the best for you in your life journey. Good luck in moving forward and away! You deserve better.
What type of boundaries have you been trying to set? Your parents need you more than you need them.
FWIW, I set clear boundaries with mom and she was not happy It took a while to come to terms with that, but I did not give in. She is still rude, but she does not make the rules. It's a lot less stress on both of us this way. She knows what to expect.