My wife is 61, her mom is 90 and broke her hip. My wife has decided to live in her mom's house, 600 miles away, so she can spend all day every day at the rehab facility. How do I try to help her see that she can’t give 100% to mom and 0% to me, without appearing selfish?
His fears about his wife being overwhelmed are very valid, as any number of people on this forum - who have been caught up in similar situations that his wife finds herself in - can attest to!
The number one tenet in a strong marriage is communication! I applaud Geo for trying to find a compassionate way to talk to his wife about his fears going forward. Having a wonderful husband, I would be DEVESTATED to find out my husband had hid any concerns he had about MY wellbeing, and MY possibility of burnout when we were caretaking my mom in fear that I might find him "selfish".
Not to mention the fact that when, in the past, wives have come here to ask advice about their husbands' time being spent with MIL's I have seen advice ranging from "seek marriage counseling" to "I would take the kids and head out on a vacation" and everything in between; but I have rarely seen a woman being accused of being "selfish" for seeking advice on how to approach her husband about it. It's really not fair - in fact, I'll even debate that it's a kind of reverse discrimination - to give the polar opposite advice to a husband, in essence telling him in effect "suck it up, buttercup" when we treat women with kids' gloves in almost the exact same situation.
Geo, I think you're doing the right thing all around; I hope your marriage is as strong as I suspect it might be, and that when all is said and done your wife conveys her appreciation for your concern for her well-being.
Much as he says he's being supportive and is concerned about his wife's wellbeing, I'd say he's 1. underestimating his wife's strength, and 2. he still wants to be #1 -- even during this time. Marriage is give-and-take, and there are times when one spouse has to give for a lot longer than they expected. I get that it's tough, but an emotionally mature person figures it out.
I'm seeing this in my own marriage, and my parents are now both gone. I'm their Trustee and have been handling their finances since before either was gone, and I've done an excellent job if I do say so myself. My mother (the last to go) died with more money than she had before she went into an expensive nursing home thanks to me managing her money.
Now, however, my husband is full of opinions about how I'm not handling the sale of my parents' house correctly. Well, like it or not, it's not his business. I'm handling it just fine with the cooperation of my brother, the only other person whose business it is. My husband is a recently retired manager, and he can't quite get it in his head that he doesn't need to manage me. I'm seeing that here, too.
I realize these times are difficult for spouses, because sometimes they get shut out of these decisions, but the fact is, this is his wife's family, not his, and she's doing what she feels she needs to do. If he can't quite relinquish control over what's going on, then I'd say that's a problem for him to work on without involving his wife in it.
If your wife wants to give you nothing what does that say about her commitment to the marriage?
So I hate to see this gentleman being attacked for a very valid question. He certainly has a right to wonder what happened to his wife and his life and if it is ever going to return to normal.
I think his wife is scared that she is going to lose her Mom, so she wants to be by her side always. Which is ok in the beginning, but will need a reality check after a week or so.
I love this site because it is so supportive, usually. Not so much lately though.
But we know the reason why.
Long story short, we did our best to take care of our loved ones & I have no regrets, but in hindsight & if possible, have a conversation with your wife to move her Mother closer to your home to help alleviate the distance because the longer she lives, the more time & care she will need.
During the 2 months, I couldn’t see how I was going to leave my severely frail and super vulnerable mother, and it was an enormous emotional crisis full of anxiety attacks. But it did end up being just enough time to see her through rehab (with intermittent hospitalization), shop LTC facilities, and get her situated into a stable care environment. Don’t know how I could have done it without my husband. He came by periodically at first, helping with the errands of hotel life, then stayed with me when I really flipped out, and helped tour the care facilities. Reassured me multiple times that we would be okay if I needed to stay longer. He wasn’t able to tell me that I couldn’t stay indefinitely, my best friends couldn’t either - it took my mom’s MD at the SNF saying “you have to go live your own life” for me to believe it might be OK to leave her. Anyway, we did end up leaving around the 2 month mark. I can actually believe I’ve done my very best for my mom. She’s remarkably content, I’m confident she knows she’s loved, I’m so very grateful for having had so much time with her. And my husband and I are closer for having gone through this together.
Hope this doesn’t come across as some incredibly self-indulgent post, just thought it might help to know that however difficult your current experience, it can work out, and even work out quite well, considering.
You are dealing with a) multiple uncertainty and b) not having any particular contributory task assigned to you; and b) in particular, as I understand it, is pretty much guaranteed to drive chaps up the wall. Heartfelt sympathy to you and may there be more clarity for you and your wife very soon. Have you set any mental deadlines for steps in the process? - keep them flexible, and you might find the exercise a comfort.
Hope you are staying warm(ish).
As I asked below, why isn't her mother moved closer to your home?
What does selfish mean to you?
It appears you want to be included in your marriage, and your wife's life - ?
Does she want you near her / in communication / physically and emotionally?
Rather than look at this scenario as you appearing 'selfish,' you may need to ask your wife how she feels about you.
"If" this is a month in (this new situation as I read below), it is a good time to find out what your wife wants 'with you' to find some mutually win-wins. There are options if you BOTH want time together, including your wife being with her mother.
Realize your wife may have strong dependency issues (or perhaps GUILT) which would influence her current choices. Sounds to me that you need to have a heart-to-heart with your wife - by telling her how you feel about her (want to be with her) and see how she responds. If she isn't open to temporary shifts in logistics, this is your answer (she prefers her mom over you - which could be years in the making - as these feelings don't happen overnight (or so I believe). If your wife felt you as 'support' during this sad time for her, she would want you in closer proximity to her (again, this is my point of view).
I read a bit below about you being controlling. I don't see this at all although it would have helped if you explained / wrote how you feel about your relationship and your wife vs simply saying you want her home with you.
While I am not married, I believe there may be times where the give and take is unbalanced (if not often), i.e., 99-1 . . . 80-20. . . and so on. I believe this is the ebb and flow of relationships / marriages 'that work' - Best to tell her how you feel, i.e., "I miss you" ... "I want to be with you, too" ... "I want to support you"
Open your heart and see what she says. Your wife will burn out sooner than she realizes if she decides to maintain this regiment. That won't support either of you. I question the quality of your relationship over the last 5, 10, 15 ++ years. The quality you've created / built up now will reflect how you both decide to move through and forward. SPEAK UP. If you are the non-verbal type, this is the time to talk to your wife from your vulnerable, open heart. If you are the needy type, look inside and see how you can build yourself up.
Gena / Touch Matters
This is her mom, age 90, she is thinking about her mom being of the age of dying soon, she loves her, wants her to feel comfort and loved.
You and she have a life together, this is a big change. change can be hard. there is fear she may stay with mom for months and even a year. You feel abandoned.
Both sides are valid. Make sure you empathize with her, she is a care giver and that is emotional. She isn't choosing mom over you- she is in the position of being needed by two people, that is a no win. You will support her more by telling her you see how hard that position is. Realize what you want may need some sacrifice right now. Look into options for her, housing for her mom closer to you all, ways you maybe can be out there with her sometimes etc.
Women get into this position, they are a mom and wife, then a wife and parent-caretaker. They have to share their time and divide their time, and then rarely take time for themself.( Just sharing that so you see her side of it.)
when my mother passed away, my wife told me she was not going to support me "now with my father". afterwards she keeps either asking whether she or my dad are more important, or saying that she also needs me but I have to choose my priorities.
honestly, that hardly seems like love or support.
it just stresses me more.
I think the way to go is saying her that you love her and, although you miss her, you understand that nowadays her mom's needs take priority and that whatever she decides is ok with you, but that she can rely on you for support and advice if she asks for it.
please, please, please, do not give unsolicited advice