She has no friends. She has relied on me since I was a child. She did not pay attention or help when my dad started showing signs of dementia and then made it all about her when he passed away last year. It was awful. I’m the only one left and I can’t deal with her mentally abusive behavior but feel guilty about wanting to leave her in her own. Her behavior is affecting my work life, and my family. I still have a 14 year old at home.
Otherwise you will never get away from her grip! I'd go with a big fib, so much easier than trying to reason with a stubborn parent!
You should book a 2 week vacation with your wife & teenager, and just GO. Cruises are the best value, and you get so pampered! Plus Mom won't be able to reach you so easy. You can take a big step cutting Mom off being gone for 2 weeks!!
Best of luck to you.
I got to spend some time with him during the last few months of his life. A month before he died while he was still lucid, he told me that he was living in a house full of nuts. As far as I know, stepmother and her oldest daughter are still living in the family home. He willed the house to them probably more out of obligation than anything else.
I miss my parents I grew up with before the extreme alcoholism took over my mother from being trapped in a bad marriage. It changed her from the sweet woman I knew into a raging lunatic at times. My dad took up with this new woman while I still in high school. After mom died, he shut me out completely. His behavior changed towards me drastically.
It's more to this story. However, trust and believe, I know how hard it is to navigate a relationship with a narcissistic parent while dealing with their smear campaigns.
The relationship with my father never truly healed.
I 100% agree you need to navigate this with a good therapist because without clear boundaries and strategies to defend them, nothing will change -- in fact, it will only get worse. Plus, what will it be teaching your child? Your therapist can help you explain it to your child, as well. The boundaries are for you because sick people reject them and continuously want to overrun them. pounding them with their emotional battering rams. You feel guilty because that's how she groomed you. You are in control, not her. Don't let her sickness infect your child as well. You can do it!
It's about setting and keeping much needed boundaries, so we can thrive without being sucked back into an abusive relationship which is what you have with your mother.
She's not going to change so it MUST be you that makes the necessary changes for not only you but for your precious child as well.
After you let her know that you'll be stepping away from her you can give her the necessary numbers if you so choose for her to order her groceries, have her medications delivered, and for Uber or Lyft if she needs to go to the doctor.
And you can then call Adult Protective Services and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves who may need help and they will come out and do an assessment and if need be take over her care. Make sure that they understand that because of her abuse and narcissism that you have opted out of any further care and contact and then stick to it. Even block her phone number if you have to. You can do this, and for your mental health's sake you need to do this, as you deserve so much better than the abuse and grooming that your mother has used against you.
Be strong! You got this!
If you have the time and can afford to go to a therapist, then I recommend it to help you process your feelings about limiting contact with a toxic person. I can tell you from what I have learned, is that the guilt you are feeling is likely the result of a lifetime of grooming by the narcissistic parent. That is why their tactics are successful for them - until you break away. And that will cause her to go ballistic, when she no longer has control over you, so be prepared, and block her phone calls if you need to. Be prepared for her to say horrible things about you to any friends or family that will listen. You can't let that deter you from protecting yourself from this toxic person.
You have no reason to feel guilt. She is a grown woman who can manage her own life. You are not the parent, nor do you owe her your attention so that she can abuse you. Take care of your 14 year old. And yourself.