I’m helping my mom take care of my 87 year old grandma, who has dementia. If we both need to leave the room to do anything my grandma almost immediately starts calling our names over and over until one of us comes in. She’s well taken care of and doesn’t need anything.
I feel like I’m tied to her room and I can’t get anything done. Sometimes she starts as soon as she wakes up at 5:30 or 6:00 am.
I love her and we’ve always been close but she does have a mean streak so sometimes I just need to step away to take a break but she won’t let me 😂.
She’s called me in the room twice since I started writing this post. I assured her I was in the next room but she said she wants me in her room.
any advice?
Thanks!
It seems that this may be a symptom--anxiety, agitation, that might be addressed with meds. Talk to her doctor.
Is she bedridden? If not, can you bring her out into the common area where she can see people and know she's not alone?
Even though I dislike meds, it seems like she might be less anxious with something additional. Even look at natural remedies for calming someone's anxiety.
Bummer that she hasn't responded well to past attempts.
Is there a reason grandmom needs to stay in her room all day?
If grandma is stuck in a room off by herself, you may want to try putting her in a more centrally located room, such as the living room during the day, where she can be part of the action, and then bring her back to her room at night, and see if that won't help.
But w/o knowing which issue prevails, I'd be inclined to think that the dementia is the dominant factor, with a touch of controlling needs. She's losing cognizance, perhaps awareness of where she is, and is fearful. And that can also contribute to her need to have people she knows around her.
I second the suggestions to bring her into areas where she's not alone, and try to find ways she can interact despite her dementia. The "folding towels" suggestion is raised here periodically; that might be an option, depending on the level of her dementia.
How can these people, or any caregiver be with a person 24 hours a day? That isn't possible to keep going for any length of time. The grandmother would not have someone next to her 24 hours a day in the best nursing home either.
She will adapt to being left alone in a room for periods of time. She will have to. If anxiety is a possible issue her doctor can prescribe medication to help with that.
How does your mother cope with it?
It does look as though you're going to have to divide your grandmother's calls between two lists: needs, and wants. Once you're sure she has everything she Needs, it will then be up to you how often or how quickly you respond to what she Wants. Got any earplugs or noise-cancelling headphones??!!
Also - as long as one of you is in the room, is your grandmother then content, does she stop calling out or asking repetitive questions?
Nurses and CNA's learn the difference between need and want as you said.
I can always tell the difference between fussy and there is something wrong. You have to blank out when it's just boredom and want for attention. Otherwise no one would be able to do this line of work because they'd be burned out after one week.
Anyone who's a parent knows how to do this too. When the child is a baby you know the difference between a squawk and a real cry because the baby needs you.
The same with elderly. Anyone who's been a caregiver knows the difference between fussy want and actual need.
You have to ignore sometimes. If someone goes running every second, it will get worse.
When I first began visiting after months and months of being away from her, she would repeat “Please help me, please help me, please help me……” endlessly, when there was nothing obvious that she needed. I think her current neurological status makes it difficult for her to put the verbal brakes on.
My reaction was to tell her I’d help her if she needed something and then immediately launch into a conversation about something interesting like grandchildren, weather, clothes, family memories…..whatever.
As I visit more regularly now, I notice that she doesn’t seem to need to be doing this nearly as much as before.
Does she dress and come out of her room? Maybe if you inundate her with chat, she’ll welcome being quiet a little bit more than she is now?
I also agree if she is in a more central location where she can see you and your mom while taking care of other tasks. Does she like music? Maybe when you have to leave if you can have some soothing music for her to listen to while you are away. Also, leave her for short periods and try and build up the time away from her. The only other thing is to make sure her needs have been met and ignore it for a while.
Maybe its time to try another medication to take the edge of the agitation. Realize it can take a couple of weeks for the drugs to build up in her system; but keep on the drs until something is found that works.
I wish you all the best.
I will tell you what I've told every one of them and it works.
You and your mother have to ignore her sometimes. When she calls continually do not answer her every time and do not go running to her.
When it's time for her to go to bed you and your mom's "shifts" are over. The only thing you do for her at bedtime is give her some water or take her to the toilet a couple of times and let that be the end of it.
This situation is similar to having a baby. Mom shouldn't go running in every time the baby squawks a little. Sometimes you have to let a baby cry a bit. It's good for them. If mom goes running in every time the baby makes a sound, they will never be able to be left alone. The same applies to elderly people. Even ones with dementia. I'm sure this will be hard for you and your mom, but you're just going to have to let grandma squawk a bit. Other wise one of you will have to stay next to her 24 hours a day.
You can arrange her environment in a way that helps. Leaving a tv on for her set to a channel that plays all the old shows 24 hours a day. Or a radio with nice music playing low enough that she can still go to sleep at night. Making sure her room has a nightlight on.
Or her doctor may prescribe anti-anxiety meds to help her.
You and your mom have to stop running to her every second. That has to stop because the two of you will get worn out quick. Good luck.
The way you took care of your sister is a different situation and I commend you for doing so.
In this case the grandmother has dementia and could very well live for years. Dementia doesn't get better. It gets worse. They have to break her out of the habit of needing someone to be in the same room with her 24 hours a day. Nobody can keep that going indefinitely.
I purchased a real soft tufted Automatic Recliner and for the last two years, my Dad has been living in the Den where the TV is and is where the action is.
He likes sleeping in his automatic recliner and it is easier to get in and out of then his bed and he's never had a bed sore. I also purchased a seat pad for his recliner.
His feet don't swell either, because they are always elevated.
So much easier to transfer him out of the Recliner into his wheelchair.
You should try that with your Grandmother. At least during the day.
I think my Dad was just scared being by himself.
A few years ago we were at a relative's house getting ready for a funeral. I went to go change my clothes. I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth, etc and getting ready to change my clothes. I could hear my mother asking people "where's ______" over and over. Finally I yelled from the bathroom "I am in here getting myself ready for the funeral". When I came out my mother was on the other side of the door. "Why didn't you answer me if you heard me asking where you were". "Because I had a mouthful of toothpaste". "ohhhhhh".
The more you 'give in' to your behavior, the more she will continue to do it.
Assuring her likely doesn't compute in her head.
If a mean streak, all the more reason to set your limits and stick to them.
Gena / Touch Matters
1. boredom- does giving her a chore like folding towels or doing a puzzle help her not call out. Can she be distracted looking at magazines or books from library?
or
2. fear- can she be somewhere in the house where she can see you as you cook or
do other house chores? Does she had bad dreams and is afraid they may come true? Is she afraid of falling? Does she have no memory that anyone is in the house when she is alone in the room- has dementia progressed that far? Ask the dr and talk to the dr about anxiety and meds
Now, you should consider telling her doctor about the meanness because you need to remember her brain changes often and is no longer normal. The doctor can prescribe some medication for her to stop the combative behavior. Addressing these issues could make things a lot easier while you and your mom are caring for her. Just treat her like you would want to be treated.
This is a way to reassure themselves that they are not going to be left alone.
It depends on where grandma is. Is she in a bedroom? If so bring the bed into a room where there are people and activities. It gets lonely in a room all by yourself. If she is in the living room and you leave the room to go to the bathroom or into the kitchen, ignore the calls