I have currently been taking care of my elderly grandmother for the last 7 years from the time I was 20 till now at the age of 27, and before that I helped take care of my great grandfather for a few months till he passed away at home.
My question is how can I deal with the burnout or how can I possibly come to the conclusion of when I've had enough and give up? I hate to say that, I really do, but it's affecting me mentally to the point that I don't know what to do or how to react anymore.
When I agreed to stay here, my aunt was helping by providing some financial assistance and taking my grandmother (her mom) to her doctor's appointments. After a year, she just quit and has since then not done anything to help.
I do not have a vehicle or a job (I live with my grandmother about 5-6 miles from town). So we basically have to make it month to month on $900 from my grandmother's retirement, which I don't think I have to explain how that is difficult in its own way. My dad takes me to the grocery store and to pay bills but other than that, it is the only help I receive.
The house is in need of repairs badly, we barely make it through the month as it is with just a few dollars left, if that sometimes, and it has gotten to the point that I just want to run away from it all. My grandmother adamantly reminds me she would rather die than go to a nursing home, and me being as big hearted as I am towards my family, it is hard for me to come to terms with it all.
I practically gave up everything to take care of my grandmother. I haven't had friends or left the house for anything besides grocery shopping, paying bills and the like in many years, not to mention haven't had a girlfriend or job either since moving here. And the constant reminder of how hard my life is going to be after she does end up passing away just gets worse as time passes.
Please if anyone has any kind of suggestions or advice, I desperately need it. Thanks for taking the time to read all of this if anyone does.
Research what care is available to your grandmother on her own funds. If she qualifies for Medicaid, it may mean placement in a Medicaid facility. When you find out her options, tell your grandmother you are moving out and she can choose to go to a facility or to hire in home care.
What are you left with if your grandmother dies? No more of grandmother's retirement or social security money. Will you move from care taking your grandmother to care taking your father? You are going to need to support yourself or remain in your current dependent situation forever.
Your elders need to enter the long term care system now if it is only you caring for them.
I think on some level you know that you are missing out on what is the "norm". It could have very damaging results. You describe yourself as big-heartted; I am certain that is your visiion of yourself, but I would describe you as misguided, with a family who doesn't seem to care much about Grandma OR about you.
Let them know you will be getting a job now and moving out into your own life. It is up to them to take POA and care for grandma's needs.
but OP --
no job/no money, this can destroy your life/future.
as many have advised you OP: save your life.
Perhaps she is use to having a step and fetch boy and has everyone convinced that she cannot do anything for herself. I don't know.
What I do know is that there are many work from home opportunities for anyone willing to work.
So you have to decide if you are just going to sit there making excuses why you can't work or are you going to put your big boy pants on and start doing something to secure your future.
It is totally your call. Time to make some adult decisions.
Here’s why:
- You need to be planning your future because it’s not like you’re independently wealthy or inheriting a fortune
- a job will give you independence and reintroduce you to people your own age
- there are agencies that can help the elderly, esp if she is low income and the spouse of a veteran
- grandmother won’t change her attitude if she can bully you into status quo (and playing the guilt trip card is a form of bullying)
- a job will shift the focus from grandmother centric to family balance.
PS. If she plays the I’d rather die card again, you might have to call her bluff with “you’ve lived a good long life and wanting to die is your choice.” We often forget that dying is a natural consequence of living.
Good luck 🍀
The goal of grown-ups is to get a job or skill, and to set your sights on a goal. (ie; in health care, postal worker, electrician, plumber, barber, cement laborer, butcher, tailor, a supermarket clerk with the intention to become manager. Become an x-ray technician, a janitor with a fix-it skills, go to sea perhaps as a merchant marine, work for the railroad system, etc). The goal is to be independent perhaps to buy your own place under your own steam.
You question - How can I possibly come to the conclusion of when I've had enough and give up?
Answer - You've already come to the conclusion buddy and you have my permission to split. Or stay and become the neighborhood crazy old guy.
What is really holding you back is fear of being on your own.
Don't let more time pass. If things go wrong you will recover. It you lose one job, you will recover. If you lose your bike, you will recover. You will not recover from the insidious sick situation YOU put yourself in. You think anyone will give you a reward for doing what your doing?
Get a job. Go on Craig's list and rent a room with a micorwave, a bed, a closet and a bathroom, and be proud of yourself. Many successful people men and women have started that way. Travel light down your path to start with. Just live with what you need and what will not be important to lose should that happen.
You are your family's patsy. If you are disabled in anyway find a social worker, seriously, and learn how to get on a steady path as have thousands of other challenged but functioning people.
TWENTY SEVEN is not so young any more. Run for you life.
Join the Peace Corps. Do something. Give yourself a deadline to get the heck out. You don't have to tell anyone in your family. It's not a bad thing. Where you are now is a bad thing. Guaranteed, guaranteed, someone will step up. You have been crippled by your family but mostly by yourself.
Btw, I don't believe this is for real. But I enjoy this since I like to exercise writing.
To continue...I have never met a 27 year old so beaten down. I have never met a 20, 21, 22, 23…year old that was so robbed of that natural spark of curiosity to discover, to experience, to be the captain of his own ship, unless your problems are more serious so there again find a social worker. Just go to a clinic or hospital that can at least direct you to help if they can't help.
In your post you wrote that you get a constant reminder of how hard your life is going to be after your G'ma ends up passing away. This tells me that in actuality you're under the delusion that you are taking care of her. She is in fact taking care of you. You're just an errand boy helping out.
Even if that is the case, you write too well to be so disabled. You need professional help.
Join the Peace Corps, do something. Get as healthy as you can. They are a disease in your life.
i have the impression, OP is, unfortunately for OP, dependent financially on this situation.
I agree with others who have posted about having a family meeting. It’s time to call your mom and aunt (GM’s daughters) and tell them what’s going on. Between the 3 of you, and maybe include GM’s brother, have a family meeting. You need to say, I’ve done what I can, I’ve stayed and cared for GM for 7 years, it’s now time for you to step up and help. Maybe GM moves in with one of her daughters…. There’s a solution out there…. But as the grandson, it’s not you. You have done the most for the family, and it’s time they stepped up to help.
I know there are many programs, it’s time to start setting these up and your Aunt and Mom should be doing this.
Meal delivery, in home care, AL, and more. Adult day care is a good option too…
it’s time for you to step aside and start a life of your own.
I’ve always believed grandchildren are a blessing to their grandparents, not their caregivers. She has been very fortunate to have you in her life for the last 7 years. It’s time for her daughters to step up and do the right thing. I like the idea of telling everyone “your last day is July 1”. That gives them ample time to figure things out.
Take care… and good luck with your new life which I hope starts soon!
and don’t let guilt rule you or your emotions.
i'm just guessing here:
but i think OP, like many people:
if they step back, no one will step up.
that family meeting you rightly propose, deblib, i think probably already happened many times.
no one else is stepping up.
that's why OP is in this situation.
if OP steps back, the grandmother goes to a facility, and OP doesn't want that.
"Honey that's hard, can you get a bit of respite? It sounds like you could really use support" OR.....
"Get out now while you still have the ability to do so, it's not your problem the elder needs care."
Unfortunately, solutions are not always feasible. And that's why we feel trapped, and why we reach out for support. There are lots of family nuances, unique limitations, and difficult dynamics that feel overwhelming when you are basically already at the lowest point in your life. There are often assumptions here that we haven't already tried EVERYTHING to get help, to self advocate, to improve our situations. Personally I have. Personally my family sucks.
I definitely sympathize with you. I hope you can find some relief and some joy....
#1 Burn out happens when we aren't working and living in balance with our needs.
You need time alone. Time with peers. Activities that fill you up. Friends and fun and play.
#2. You can keep caring for your grandmother AND have a life outside your care giving role. But you need supporters and cheerleaders and teachers an mentors. It sounds like your family isn't providing that and its a sad statement on them.
#3. Find your County Senior Services. Call them. Make an appointment to sit and talk with a Care Coordinator. She might be eligible, since she doesn't have much money, for in home help. Even if she doesn't want people to come and help, you have to be firm about this with her while you get out and start building your life.
Explain to her this is how she can stay in her home!
Go, Good luck and Live your Life!
You obviously were drawn to help by your good heart, but now are worn out - hard for anyone at any age, let alone when you're supposed to be having a great and hopeful part of your life.
Listen to the suggestions and do what is right. You'll never regret that. And it is RIGHT to start letting grandma go - that's hard I know, but she is writing her final chapter. You can help her write it and feel good about that.
Because of your burdens, it's hard to see or plan your future. While you're going one day at a time, follow some of the suggestions to start moving into YOUR life and OUT of grandma's.
And please follow the advice about her finances and possible resources you don't know about. That could provide some relief. Start with Social Security and find out where those checks (if any) are going.
Praying for the best.
1. What were you doing when you were 20 and decided that taking care of your elder relatives was a good idea?
2. What kind of job would you like to have? Office work? Caring for folks work? Manual work? Think about work in broad categories for now.
3. Grandma needs care. This is grandma's problem, not yours. And if grandma no longer has the capacity to plan, then the planning falls on her children. Not you.
4. YOU need a plan for you. You start by calling a family meeting and you tell your family that you are done with caregiving as of July 1.
5. Even if it means living in a homeless shelter temporarily, you need to get OUT of this situation and ON with your life. I would start with your local social services office.
https://apps.hhs.texas.gov/taketimetexas/about.html
It'll only be a first step, but at least it'll be in the right direction :) Hugs to you.
You got yourself into this position because it was the easiest thing for you to do at the time. You are not a go-getter, you get pushed around by whoever decides you are an easier option. You have never stood up for yourself, and as a result no-one else involved has had to stand up for themselves and think about another option. The easiest thing for you was also the easiest thing for everyone else.
The best way out of this is ‘Easy Rider’. By a motorbike and head off into the blue yonder. Let the rest of the family sort their own way out. And even if currently you think you are indepespensable, the fact is that you aren’t.
When the rest of them have decided what to do, perhaps you come back. Perhaps you help in a way that works for them and for you too. But you stand up like a man (or just like any adult), make your own decisions, and don’t get pushed into a corner of a very nasty cell.
If you’ve truly had your fill of this situation, I would start making plans to escape, almost in the way that an abused wife or someone trapped in a cult would do. For example, start setting cash aside in a place only you know about. Find and store helpful phone numbers (homeless shelter? Local Salvation Army? County department of Health and Human Services?) in your phone. Etc.
When you’re out, you can call your aunt and advise her that you will no longer be providing care to grandma.
Best wishes to you, whatever you decide to do. Keep us updated. 😊
He should have journaled his hours to keep track of any payment he should get, if there is a SS check being deposited.
Family devoting their life to grandma’s needs, deserves compensation as any outside caregiver would receive.
I would suggest you sit down with your family, including Grandma, and just explain you have put your life on hold for years. You are now going to begin taking your life back.
Have a plan in place. You obviously have internet access so contact social services in your area and see what you might qualify for, even short term. They may pay for a few months rent and some food stamps. Apply on line for jobs you are interested in/qualified for. If the town you live in has local bus service you could ride to/from work. If not, see if you could get a job working with special needs kids and you might be able to ride the school bus to/from school. You could see if you can get an apt close to where you find work at and walk to work. Once you are working you can save for a car, better housing, additional schooling, etc. You could even work a full and part-time job to get money faster. I would suggest you find a church and begin attending when you are on your own. Not only will it be pleasing to God, you will find good fellowship there and good community connections. Our church has taken money collections for families who fall on hard times to help them get by for a month or two. Church members also take food to those families and they aren't made to feel needy or bad.
Explain all of this to your family at your sit down meeting. Give them a deadline of when you will be moving example: 2 weeks (most places will allow you to give 2 weeks notice to your previous job - which is what caring for Grandma is). There will be blowback and it will most likely be very difficult with raised voices/tears/blame placed on you. It sounds as though family has been taking advantage of you for a long time. That has relieved them of the honor and burden of caring for Grandma. Leave it up to them what happens next: assisted living facility/nursing home, one of them takes over or shares the burden or Grandma tries to live on her own. Let Grandma know you still love her and when you get a vehicle you will visit her. Make sure she knows you will call when you can as well.
Leaving is going to take a tremendous amount of strength on your part. If you do get out - do not allow them to guilt you back to the same situation. Grandma lived her life fully - you have the right to do the same. Don't allow your mind to guilt yourself either.
The Longest Journey begins with a Single Step! Please have the courage to make that first step, and remove yourself from this situation.
I think the only option you have is to move out and make a future for yourself. You will need to think of yourself and not your grandmother (or anyone else). Your Grandmother does have other options, but if you don't do something now, you won't.
Good luck, it will be difficult but worth it.
You are in the most fruitful period in your life, a time where people all want people your age for work and network opps. A time when people date each other without baggage. It may not feel like it if you leave, but these next few years could determine your future for a lifetime.
At 72, which is not 'elderly' by today's standards by the way, grandma can easily live another 2+ DECADES! Which would make you 50+ years old at the end of her life.
You can always call your aunt and tell her you're giving 2 weeks notice and quitting this job you've been given caring for grandma that you never wanted to begin with. The 'grandma' who has an awful lot of nerve telling you she'd rather 'die than go into a nursing home' making you her indentured servant, which is beyond selfish and egocentric. And your 'aunt' who 'gave up' and walked out on her mother, leaving you to care for a woman and house that's falling apart, with no homeowner's insurance to boot, on an SSI check of $700 to support 2 people.
I'd suggest you give that 2 weeks notice to your aunt and move out, but where would you go and how would you get there, and once you did, how would you support yourself? If you REALLY want to get out of this situation, you need a solid plan. Ask dad to help you get a drivers license if you don't already have one, a car, a part time job for starters, and that way, you'll know what it's like to support yourself, have your own money, your own car and a bit of your own life. Or, perhaps dad will let you move in with him? Because right now, you're sequestered in a house alone with a woman who's bamboozling you into servitude for what sounds like no good reason.
So when GM is gone, your home is gone too?
Look up DETCOG in your county. Look for the Area Agency on Aging.
They have the ability to do a needs assessment for GM to see if she would qualify for assistance in the home. Sometimes they are able to provide a few hours of care for GM and they might even be able to hire you to do the care. It might be worth checking out, either for you to get a part time job during those hours or make a few dollars. There is also information on the transportation available for your area for medical appointments on the DETCOG website.
She might qualify for Meals on Wheels or Adult Day Care if that is available in the area.
‘The bio for GM does not list dementia. If she doesn’t have dementia she can change the POA (if she has one) to someone more local that might actually take an interest in her life. If you think she would want you to be her POA then discuss this with the case manager to determine if you would want the responsibility. Someone needs to do it for GM and she is the one who decides who she wants to represent her.
Good luck and let us know what you find out.
This seems to be an issue for previous generations that is bleeding onto you. Youro grandmother and her brother are fighting over the house, your aunt knowingly tricked you into this servitude situation (where are HER kids?? Do you have maternal cousins?), and now you the next generation is suffering the ill-effects.
If you continue doing what you are doing now, nothing will change. So WHAT if granny doesn't want to go to a NH? That's for her and her daughter (your aunt) to discuss -- YOU are not the solution anymore.
When push comes to shove, WILL you do something to change your situation, do you think? Can't you live with one of your parents until you can save up enough money to move out on your own? Surely your father sees how abusive the current situation is to you?
One way:
Imagine you’re 20 years older. What would that future-self say to you right now?
In your gut right now, you probably have several ideas/solutions (comes down to: maintain status quo vs. make a small change vs. make a huge change in your life).
I’m the type of person who likes to make huge changes in my life. If I don’t like my situation, I radically change it.
(That’s just my approach).
Hugs to you!!
Oh my. GM is only 72! That’s not old. I doubt seriously that your GM would qualify for a NH. Nor is 63 old for your dad.
Who is old to be living at home and not working is you Dennis!
I am glad you are looking for a way out. Would your dad give you a ride If you could find a job?
And trust me I wish I had a job more so than anything and if there was a way I would have already jumped on the opportunity to do so, my father can't viably take me to and from work due to him living 30 miles from me and he is retired and doesn't make much either, plus I can't leave my grandmother home alone by herself so even if I did, i have no one who would watch over her while I work anyhow.
And im pretty sure my aunt that practically abandoned us in this situation has POA for my grandmother,
I'm also curious as to how this caregiving situation was originally set up, why you agreed to it, etc.
Let's look into a crystal ball at your future, shall we? You can bet that your aunt and your father figure you will be THEIR caregiver when their turn comes.
Do you want that? No? Then let us help you figure out some steps to get you out of your grandmother's house ASAP and living YOUR life as you want it, not as your family wants it as a 24/7/365 caregiver slave.
And don't be concerned about losing relationships along the way. The way your family has abused you shows you what kind of value they place on you.
But I agree having this all pushed onto me has caused a ton of issues both mentally and physically, when i first agreed to stay here and take care of my grandmother I was under the impression i was only doing so until my aunt found her a assisted living situation or something along the line, but as i said after a year she stopped even coming around or helping in any way. And my mother if she could help she would, but she is financially unstable since she has lupus and other medical issues, besides the fact that she lives a hour and a half away at the same time.
Its just a sh*t situation to have to deal with on my own, and I don't know how to deal with it, without giving up and having my grandmother end up in a nursing home which I don't want to do just with the fact that the ones around where I live are so bad in general and most the people i've known that have ended up there didn't live much longer in most cases once going there. I love my family and probably care too much, except for certain ones that i've had no choice but to avoid. Just don't know what to do to be honest