How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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I was fortunate to not have any violence associated with my father’s or stepfather’s death. I’m not sure what you mean by trauma. If you mean the actual fact they died? Or the means by which they took their last breath? My step father just stopped breathing after a gasp. We knew it was coming, he’d been actively dying for 2 years, in the hospital 3 weeks without hope of recovery so at least I had accepted it.
If you mean that they died, give yourself time. It takes a while to grieve, it gets easier ie less raw but there are still things that will remind you of the person or times you feel the sting that they are gone. We can dwell on the bad or the good, our choice. If you are having difficulty doing that therapy is a great idea.
Obviously anyone’s death is stressful but probably more so if you aren’t prepared for it. Sorry, this won’t help you but I sincerely hope those with elderly or ill loved ones research the stages of the dying process. It seems so many people are caught unawares when that person dies whereas had they done some research beforehand they may realize their loved one has been dying for months and is on an irreversible process. Then it’s not such a shock. You still miss them but realize no one is responsible, for the present time it’s a “ normal” part of life.

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My condolences to you. It gets better. Life fills in the holes in our heart, which appears to heal faster than our minds. Gramps in 1979 and Mom in 2015 died before my eyes peacefully, yet it was beyond wrenching to see their final breaths. I don't open that door often, and it'll happen for you, too.

Your pinball imagery is excellent. It makes me think of the bright lights, exciting sounds, and sense of winning that is the game. We have two addicting pinball games in the living room, so it struck a chord. I hope one day soon that you'll visualize yourself as a player, looking down through the glass at the little ball to see that you played the very best you could for your LO, who now rests from the game.

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I saw my MIL die and the visual of her tongue and mouth turning black as she was breathing shallowly and dying still haunts me. I don’t think about it as much as I used to. For me the graphic visual did fade but it’s still there. I suppose that’s what you can expect. I’m sorry you have this memory.

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Geesh. She doesn't need your graphic images too. She has her own.

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Godblessmom "Grief is like a shipwreck poem", so eloquently said! Totally illustrates my experience with heartache from those I have lost, both human and pets.

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The Dr. Seuss quote "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." is on our fridge.
My MIL died at our house on hospice. My husband was holding her hand. This was 2 years ago. I didn't go into that bedroom for awhile. I remember when her dentures just fell out while she was in a coma. For some reason that little thing scared me to death.
My husband travels and I was all alone the other night and that bedroom door is always open now. I got up in the middle of the night to potty and the lamp was on in that room. It is a touch lamp where you just touch it to turn it on. Freaked me out but I just said "Hey Grandma, I love and miss you but don't turn on the lamp again it is scary haha!"
It all gets better. Trust me.

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Your story about your MIL's bedroom brought up memories for me. I'm living now in what was my mother's house, and for months I could not go into her bedroom or bathroom. All her stuff was still there, and I didn't want to disturb or interfere with it. Finally, a old friend from across the country made a plan to come visit for a few weeks. I was forced then to empty out my Mom's closet and dresser, and donate or box everything up. Same thing with her bathroom. It was very hard, emotionally, to go through all my mother's stuff. But after my friend came and stayed with me, the room took on a very different feel for me. Rather than a deep pit in my stomach every time I look inside, I get a warm feeling from the good times when my friend was here. I still miss my mother terribly, but I'm feeling better about living in the house where she died.

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This is my 1st time posting in here after reading the questions daily.
I'm so sorry for your recent loss. Today is in fact the 5th Anniversary of my Mom dying. 💔 I was with her during it all, the last few months of her life. I'm still haunted by the images of Mom laying there in her bed literally skin & bones. My Mom was such a strong woman in life; Mentally & Physically! So to see her in this condition still takes my breath away.
My Dad was on Hospice himself at the time. So, I was caring for both of them in their home when Mom passed.
I thought we had more time. Told her we'd do her bucket list as fast as possible starting with dessert!!
We never got that chance as she passed 2 weeks later. 12 days after my 50th Birthday. My husband brought me to the hospital (before she was sent home on hospice)see her on my birthday. I didn't think I could handle it. It was just the 3 of us. She sang Happy Birthday to me for the last time. I just watched her sing & made sure I was present in that moment. ❤
I try to remember her singing to me when I feel the huge wave coming. It helps a little. But I do believe I have PTSD from all of it.
I'm on medication for my anxiety since then & looking into counseling since I'm still taking care of my Dad. He's no longer on hospice but doesn't remember anything about Mom dying or me cleaning up & listing his house for sale then moving him in with my family.
It's a hard time, but let yourself go through the emotions. Look at pictures of the fun times with Mom before she got sick.
Hugs ❤

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I am sure you will be told that things get better with time. I am sure you will be told to try to remember the good times and images, and try to think of those. Both of those are good advice. But if you are truly haunted, and have the resources - I will strongly recommend EMDR therapy. I had PTSD after a failed surgery (very painful recovery), that I had to have again (the surgery). And I sought out EMDR therapy again, after watching my father pass over 2 months - in a bad way. (Sadly, he would not allow hospice care, until the last day. He suffered more than he should have...)
This type of therapy is short term ( 6 to 8 sessions), and is designed to deal with trauma (or PTSD). There are several sites on the Internet that explain the therapy, and can help you find a qualified therapist near you. If do not have the resources to afford a therapist, there is an website that can help you do some of it online. I used the online site last time, but it was somewhat less helpful. I believe having been guided by a therapist before - was key to it working at all for me.
Trauma is best managed in the early days. The longer you keep going over the images, the deeper they are set. Sorry your loved one did not pass well (as possible).
See the link: https://www.emdria.org/page/emdr_therapy
Last thought, grief therapy - which is usually free at most hospice locations (whether you used that one for a family member or not), is the place that you find out - what you are feeling (grief, anger, sadness, loss...) are normal. But grief therapy is not EMDR for trauma...

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Unlike others, I'm not going into graphic details here. I will spare everyone that.
COME ON PEOPLE, SHE'S ALREADY TRAUMATIZED ENOUGH WITH HER OWN ISSUES!
There can be an end point but its different for everyone. Are you seeing a therapist. I am for PTSD with my Dad. You will need to. EMDR therapy helps too. Find a therapist who does EMDR therapy.
It helps to talk about it so your emotions have a way out of you rather than bottled up inside. It will take time but it works.
Hugs dear one. Dont let being a secondary victim of dementia get you. Unlike your loved one, you can beat the effects of this wicked disease.

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This is a place for sharing, not for judgements. I really don't think anyone meant any harm in sharing their own experience, but to help that person know they're not alone. Also some very good advice is here as well. Let's be kind to each other, we're all different, and handle and say things differently, but with no menace intended. 💕

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If you can afford to go see a doctor - go. If you cannot afford it, try surrounding yourself with all the pictures/mementos you can find. Maybe place them throughout the house for now so that each time you enter a room, you think of a happier time.
I'm no doctor, but ptsd is caused by traumatic events and maybe using the best part of your memories can ease the recent images. Plus, 24 hours means this just happened.

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The pain and grief for a LO never goes away, you just get used to it over time.

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When my Dad passed it was like that for me as well. I would look at photos of happy times. It takes a good while to stop picturing what death looked like, but over time you will. Every time you start to think about it look at photos of him, and if you have videos, watch them. It’s always good to talk with a therapist too. I am fortunate to have a good one that I feel like I can say anything to, no judgement or criticism. Wishing you the best.

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Segoline,
First, so sorry for your recent loss. Sending a hug your way. I’m by no means an authority on this topic but speaking only from my heart. I was at my mother’s bedside, holding her hand through much of those last few minutes. I was there and heard that dreaded death rattle. I was there as the hospice nurse monitored her vitals whispering to me when she had taken her final breath. These images stayed with me for some time, but just as my sadness and emptiness have become loving memories of my mother and our times together, so too have those images softened in my mind. I can still recall them but they are not as painful as that very day. I hope this has helped you a little. Joining GriefShare was a tremendous help to me. I can’t say enough good things about the organization. God bless you on your grief journey.

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My good friend, who nursed her mother through 5 years of growing into being bedridden and who cared for her at home until death at 96, used Griefshare for at least 5 years afterwards. She cannot say enough good about that organization and connected with others in a friendly fashion, too, attending potlucks, and so forth. I'm sure they can aid OP and second this response.

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Another thing I did to get the bad images out of my head was immediately picture my MIL holding our baby on her chest at her farm. Think of her cooking fried green tomatoes on her massive cast iron skillet. You get the idea. Photo bomb you're head. It helps!

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There are so many questions I would like to ask, such as what your relationship was like prior to the illness. My husband died of frontal temporal lobe dementia last November. He was 84. . I mourn for two men-the first was the strong, handsome, loving, thoughtful and rational man, and the other, a confused, irrational and often violent man who frightened me and whose intimate needs were overwhelming. I was his 24/7 caregiver-exhausted and not in great health myself. I still grieve for both. I am terrified of the same thing happening to me and what that will do to my family. Yet I mourn daily and have sudden waves of the deepest sorrow, that are devastating. But-I am learning, through Hospice counseling, which has been free of charge, and by reading two books that have been particularly helpful, to give myself permission each day to shed my tears, to quietly mourn. The grief can hit me at times that are least expected and can sometimes be paralyzing. Please read "Permission to Mourn" by Tom Zuba and "Healing After Loss" by Martha Hickman. You are on your own path and no one can tell you how long that path will or should be. I find that spending time outside helps me, and talking to him. I am feeling so guilty, angry, sad, lonely and many more emotions. Let them flow over you and one day they will flow through you. Warm hugs.

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I think this is impossible to answer as everyone will have their own images to deal with. Maybe you should be more blunt and tell us what images it is that are distressing you, perhaps speaking them and getting support would help. Maybe it wouldn't that is a "gamble" only you can decide on whether you want to take, being open and saying what the images are as a way of not having them bottled in your head. I have been fortunate in that the two people I have sat with as they died both passed after long illnesses in a relatively peaceful manner and I never think of them as they were then but as I knew them. I totally understand this is very fortunate and others have terrible memories mixed with guilt and other parts of grief, I do send you my deepest condolences on your loss, but can only suggest you are completely open and let those images out.

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Good idea TaylorUK.

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First of all I want to say I’m so sorry for your loss.
I was there when my mom died in the ICU. Everyone’s experience in those last hours are all different. My mom was very lucid in her last hours. Telling me all the things she wanted to say to me. She reminded me to take good care of my handicap brother. It was hard for me to see her in bed and knew that she knew her time was coming. I have a lot of images in my mind of how she looked in the bed. While she was talking it was like a blur to me. So sad that she was well aware that she would not be going home.
So when I moved into her home to care for my brother everything was so sad. I quickly took out pictures of her when she was younger. Of her and her 10 children, happy times. But still those images flash before my eyes. Sometimes, I think I see her in her chair.
I take it one day at a time and think of the happy times and focus on that, as hard as it may be.
All my love and hugs go to you to give you the strength to carry-on one day at a time . ❤️

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I thought it was just me...yeah, I keep thinking of how my dad looked. He was orange and the death rattle was brutal. Luckily, the whole ordeal didn't last too long, but it seemed like FOREVER. And Cleveland Clinic kept treating him, even though it was OBVIOUS that he was going to die very, very soon! (He was only in hospice less than 8 hours. And WE - the family - are the ones who insisted they send him to hospice. It was very traumatic.) It has been a year and a half. Sorry I don't have any advice, but just wanted to commiserate.

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Any hospital has to treat unless the responsibility party says stop. In our case, the palliative care team ,Hillcrest CLeveland Clinic were fantastic but because my mother refused to agree to stop treatment and go with comfort care, after both they and all of my stepfather ‘s doctors suggested it, they had to continue aggressive( and worthless) treatment. Eventually, the time Medicare would pay , since he had no chance of improving, ran out.

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My dad died in 1987 & I still have bad images in my head but not as often.
when it happens to me I try to think about him talking to me & laughing with me then it seems to overpower the bad thoughts @ images. Be patient with yourself.

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It is sooo hard and I feel your pain. Try not to let others push you back into the rat race until you are ready. That is what happens these days. Take comfort in caring friends and family. I think the one thing I realized after my Dad passed was I would have to learn how to live with the loss and images and it takes a while. I had to own it. I don't know if this helps. sending some cyber hugs. Take care of yourself.

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It's been 11 months and I still struggle, but not as often. I have been assured to just let time take care of it, but the images come back of better days for mom, and how she struggled at the end, and it hurts.

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It's been 37 years since my dad pasted away. He died at home, and I stayed with him to the end. (Yes, I was daddy's little girl) It wasn't a very pleasant end for him at first, body thrusting, etc..,but then came the clam, and silence. I was wetting my father's lips when he opened his eyes and looked right at me. I have not forgotten that look till this very day. It was so haunting! It's hard to explain, but it was very disturbing, and I wish I could forget. But I haven't.
Yes, I spoke to my pastor about it, but I really didn't get much comfort from his comments, that our eyes are our souls, if that's the case, my dad looked petrified. Not very comforting. I pray your experience wasn't that painful, and peace comes to you and your family soon. ❤️

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Gosh, I'm so sorry for that image you have of your dad. Maybe try talking to hospice workers about it, or grief counselors. They may have met others with similar experience, & could offer you comfort.

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What I do with horrific images of my loved ones is draw them. It's a relief. You don't have to be good at art, just getting it down on paper seems to help people. Also, I think it is good to have expressed it here, but also to talk about it with others. We tend to hide away death experiences because they are difficult. I think these are important moments in our lives and they don't go away for that reason, kind of like a recurring dream. So sorry you are going through this.

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So interesting, drawing is a great idea for some.

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This sounds very difficult, but I'm sure these haunting images will lesson more and more over time.

One idea I have would be to display, carry or just look at photos from earlier times.

I have lately been thinking about different times in my mother's life. She was a vibrant and sometimes difficult person who loved her children fiercely. She's still alive but compromised by dementia, and it's not the same mom. It's very hard to accept all of this, at any stage.

But I do think that displaying some photos from happier times in the past could possibly help you to start replacing those traumatic images.

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So true, I'd forgotten about how daring & motivated my mother was, (even in her 70's). Then I got out some photos, of her rollerblading & snowmobiling...now I feel even stronger myself!

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Everyone's situation is different, but there are some good suggestions here. The bottom line is, it DOES get better. We don't forget but time eases the sharp edges and pain somewhat. I was with my Dad when he passed and it took me over a year to remember what "normal" Dad looked like. Even when I dreamed about him, he was sickly. I think the suggestion about having old, happier photos of the person is a great idea - wish I would have done that. I used to wish that the world would just stop for awhile until I could catch my breath! There is no time limit and don't ever let anyone try to guilt you into one - everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Best wishes

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I won't be as eloquent as others, but the first thing I thought when I saw your post was that every time the thought of my Mom in that last horrible month comes to mind, I just immediately try to replace it quickly with one of her in earlier years.

I just tell myself, there were many more positive months and moments and activities . Pretend to be looking at old photos and you are choosing the happier ones to look at.

I lost Mom in March after a stroke, 10 yrs of vascular dementia and a major heart attack in between. We sort of starting " losing" her when the dementia began, so in some ways it was a slow loss, but that last month was the worst. Without going into details, it involved strife in sibling dynamics, complete difference of opinion with physicians, inept caregivers, age discrimination, etc, etc.

Anyway, I hope you can try to load your mind with happier times. It sure isn't easy.

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Great advice! I do the same. I've trained my brain to instantly think of a happy memory when my loved ones were healthy. It works. Hoping you find peace soon.

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Segoline,

Since I am new to these forums, I am just going to just jump in here. I have not faced what you have yet, my mom is just in beginning stages of dementia and decline, so I am reaching out to prepare for what is to come and came across your post. What I want to say is thank you and congratulations for your willingness to share your struggle. I spent some time as a trained lay counselor for my church, and I can say without a doubt that sharing your struggle with others can help you, but it also helps others like myself to prepare for what may be to come before long. It takes strength to reach out, so my biggest encouragement to you would be to know you have that strength, and that it will help you to get past this. One of the things I learned in my counseling times were that there are some things in life we cannot go around — we must go through them. As we do, we find ways to grow and to help others if we look for them, which while it will not take away our pain completely, it can help and be used for the positive for others. You have already gotten great advice here, but remember to celebrate you mom every chance you get. Life is so much more than just what happens in the end of it.

Thank you for your example — even amidst your struggle.

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Thank you for your excellent response, DennisRice.

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PTSD from watching your loved one suffer and die can be crippling. Fortunately, I found a great counselor who treats ptsd with a method called EDMR (if I got order of initials correctly). I don't understand exactly how it works, but it has for me. It sounds like that your painful memory is lodged in the part of the brain where the emotion is. With some hand movements and eye movements, it "feels" like the memory jumps from that part of the brain to another part of the brain that has the memory only, no emotion. The memory is still there, but I am not terrified as I used to be when I recalled it. The emotion attached to the memory is so lessened that in my case, I don't panic anymore
I would highly recommend you look for a therapist who is well versed in this treatment and get more information on it. I'm sure you can also google more information about it. And a good counselor can always be a helpful source for you to vent and get some good coping strategies. Blessings
Bottom line, you don't have to paralyzed by your nightmares. Blessings.

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I had the same problem as you after a co-worker committed suicide and I saw him before the emergency crews arrived. The images going through my mind kept me awake at night and made it difficult to concentrate during the day. A counselor was available and I took the time to speak with her. Her advice was to push aside the traumatic images whenever they appeared and replace them immediately with images of happier times with the person. It took a concentrated effort to do this, and it really did work. Just be persistent with it and I hope you'll find relief faster than you think. 'Sending a big (((HUG))) to you!

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HI there....here is what helped me... reliving how bad it was and how much suffering I saw made it possible to say that my 98 year old mother was truly better off when it was over. I think nature shows us these horrors to take some of the sting out of the ultimate end that comes to those we love. I got any of the pix I took near the end off my phone, did not have any viewing or big funeral , and then put together an album of pix of my mom in better days. I think working on that album really helped. Hospice was great too... Keep busy, get your life back, and know that all of the pain and misery you witnessed is over. The body afterward is just an empty vessel and someday we will all find out what happens next m.j

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I work in medicine, and often tell older patients when they explain they don't care to live a healthier life as they are close to death that 'death is merely a passing from one room to another...its the suffering one wants to avoid . And living a healthy lifestyle will help to minimize suffering"
You are a positive person, i am sure you uplift many

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I am very sorry for your loss. However your mind is going through so much right now. You need to give yourself time to grieve who you lost. Grieving is a huge process it’s a very complicated experience to go through. I am still going through it and it’s been almost three years now. I have a horrible image in my head that is never going to subside I don’t think. No matter how many therapists I talk too it’s not going away. One therapist did tell me bc I suffered a trauma that maybe I every time I remember the horrible things I snap a rubber band around my wrist. To snap away the bad thoughts. I tried it but it didn’t work for me bc my loss was catastrophic in a nature it’s very hard for me or anyone that was with me to process.
I really try to remember the good times we shared the funny things we laughed about. The nice photos not the horrible experience of her death and her dying.
You have a long way too go before you may be able to see a little bit of a light. Grief and seeing death is one of life’s greatest challenges. You have to give each day as it is given to you and TRY to push through.
Seek a therapist now rather than wait. Getting help long before you really need it is key.
I wish you the best.

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How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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