How do you get your 88-year-old mom to stop driving and sell the car?

innjup50,

You can't stop her. She is going to do what she does, she is going to control her space. You are the back stop - you are the reality that she does not want to hear. This will not change. You have POA. You know she is a danger on the road but you do not want to antognize her. It's hard, but put a stop to it now. The longer she drives, the greater the chance she has to hurt herself or others. She could lose all she has.
If I had the ability to give my parents the help they need today (I don't have POA), then I would not have to lose sleep worried about what they will not have tomorrow. I know how hard it is to lose your parents love because they think you are trying to limit or hurt them, but if they lose their financial ability to live, no one wins - EVERYBODY LOSES.
Follow your heart because you know what it is telling you. Call her bluff, let her license expire, and notify DMV. There is a form you can fill out to have her driving ability tested. Get the form, fill it out.
Then hang on for the fall out. She most likely won't pass, but she still may insist on driving - at least that is what I have, parents who care about themselves but not about their neighbors. It sucks-it is hard to give up your independence. Unless you realize that they, your neighbors, are the people who come to your aid when you are in need.
you can message me and I will share my story. You are not to blame and this is not your responsibility - she has dumped this on you and you are not at fault. It is defenately harder to do it as an only child, I'm sorry you have to face this alone. You are stronger than she is - trust your heart.

Regarding calling Adult Family Protection: I don't know if it's the same in other states, but in Washington state they have no authority to do anything the senior does not want to do...not at all the same as with Child Protection Services.

I lived several hours from my 86 year old dad, and tried for months to work with Adult Family Protection, and they were zero help. All they would do was to occassionally (RARELY) stop by his house to see how he was doing....and even then, it was an unscheduled stop in, so sometimes he was not even home. I kind of feel sorry for Adult Family Services folks in Washington...they can't do anything legally, are overwhelmed with requests, and have a lot of families mad at them much of the time thinking they have more authority to do things than they do.

Regarding having a doctor submit a form saying they should not be driving: That did zero good in my dad's case. The DMV did revoke his license (and I even went in with him to get a regular Identification card and watched while they punched a hole in his drivers license), but later he would argue with me either 1. that he still had a Washington drivers license, 2. that they were wrong so he was going to drive anyway, or 3. that he had an Arizona drivers license and he would use that. (he and his deceased wife used to live in Arizona half the year, but he never had an Arizona drivers license, just an Identification card...you can't have drivers licenses in two states at once). He was always really good at coming up with arguments, LOL....and he refused to ever believe he had dementia.

All this was after he had already totalled one of his cars in a single car accident in the middle of nowhere at night after having a couple of drinks and rolling it over in a field. He first was telling people he didn't know what happened, but then his frield suggested maybe a deer came out on the road. Mistake....that then became "the story", and grew to several deer came out in the road. I believe he fell asleep at the wheel, and lost control. Luckily no one, including him, was harmed. Unfortunately he had another car to drive...

Taking away his car would have done no good, as knowing my dad he would have gone out & bought another...and he would have driven his neighbors crazy going to each one of them for help regarding it....he already called his friend that normally helped him 35 times one day [according to his friend's cell phone log] when he (my dad) was having issues. Ditto for disabling his car or taking his keys...he would have had someone fix it or get him new keys.

There is often no easy way to do this.

Ultimately when he agreed to go into an adult family home, the adult family home company picked up and drove him there (over 7 hours of driving for them...I rode with them for this step) & his car stayed at his house (3+ hours away). He would ask about the car, and I'd tell him it was okay. I'm convinced he would have continued driving if we hadn't moved him to an adult family home, even thought he was clearly in no shape to drive (had mentally regressed to a much earlier stage in his life with his memories where he was still working, & even when he was in his own home didn't know where he was sometimes.)

I asked an attorney if i could put 'the club' on his car--they said 'legally no'. Again, he would have either found a way around it, or found a way to buy a new car. Ostensibly a dealership would need to see his drivers license, but I'm not convinced everyone is honest/swift enough to do that, as they want to sell their cars.

I asked about guardianship, but was told that even if I was his guardian I could not dictate what he could & couldn't do. Doesn't sound right to me, but there you go. ...and knowing that I would not be held liable (according to the lawyer) if he was in an accident & killed someone, was not a comfort to me. I still would have felt horrible & that I could've done something more.

Sorry this post was so long.

She is a danger to herself and othes, and her driving should be stopped. Ask her doctor to activate your POA (meaning that she is no longer mentally competent to make good decisions). Pull the plug on the battery (or get someone there to do it) and then have the car towed to a service station. Sell the car and let your mother know that it was beyond repair. The fact that she's driving without her doctor's permission. Take over all of her finances. Have the bills and mail from her accounts sent to your address (or better still set her accounts up online and paperless). Is it possible for your mother to move to assisted living near you? Have you had the talk with your mother about how she wants to be cared for, when she is no longer able to care for herself? Tell her that it would be much easier for you to help her if she lives close to you (if that is doable for you). Some people do not know that they have dementia. If she is in total denial that there may be a time when she cannot care for herself you'll have to use the POA on her behalf. Try not to argue with her, it doesn't help and can make things worse. Just do what you have to do. Good luck! All the best to you both.

have someone pull plugs from her car. If it doesn't start, she isn't going anywhere.

I recall seeing a 20/20 or Nightline show that had adult kids take a ride with their father and videotape the entire time. I don’t recall if the elder was aware at the time he was being recorded. They then returned home, played the video for him. He was actually very shocked how bad it was. I think he tried, at least for a bit, to still argue. But it was a step

might be worth a try. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

innjup50: Have her physician notify the DMV of the unsafe situation posthaste.

In most states anyone can report an unsafe driver to the DMV. Your identity must be disclosed to the DMV but the complaint can be anonymous. You need to describe in detail why that person shouldn't be driving and any related medical or cognitive conditions. Be aware, that if Mom gets her PCP to write a letter saying she can drive, they will take the doctor's word over yours. Did her PCP do actual cognitive testing? Speed of reflexes? Peripheral vision test? Depth perception? Get that information. If it was just the doctor's impression from a conversation with Mom and no actual testing, that doctor can be held liable for endorsing her ability to drive without appropriate testing in the case of an accident with injuries. Threatening the PCP is a last resort, but it will work.

Call APS( Adult Protective Services) where she lives, report this unsafe situation and, request their intervention for safety purposes.

Does she live in a retirement community? Or in a single home?
If in a " retirement community" perhaps you can contact them for some assistance until APS can intervene.

As POA you can also call her PCP
( Primary care doctor) and make them aware of the safety issues for both your mother and others.
Perhaps the physician can offer some other direction to go.

I would also contact your personal and her attorney and make them aware of the situation and, that she threatened to remove POA .... get directions and advice and info re her ability to do this or not....and also what they suggest you can do now.

Unfortunately it does sound like you may need to travel to her location and, make arrangements for her there or to a facility/ retirement community near you.

Good luck. Take care of yourself....

? Not sure how anyone can negate POA? Giving up the independence of driving is hard. My adult children, and my grandson have said for years that I shouldn’t be driving. At age 82 I hit the car ahead of me in a car wash. This fender bender led to my decision to stop driving and give my car to my grandson. I am lucky as I can easily walk to stores, beauty parlor and nail salon. My daughter has given me gift certificates for driving services which I use for medical appointments. I save lots of money on insurance, registration, gas and repairs. But I was lucky to have that car wash accident - minimal damage to all cars, no personal injuries. I don’t wish that on your mom but it did make me decision to stop driving easy.

If you know and can contact any of your Mom's neighbors then consider asking them to call 911 if they see her pull out and drive. You may want to have her car make, model and license plate handy for them to call it in. This is one way they would impound her car. Then, she wouldn't be able to get it out very easily and you're not the bad guy. She won't know who called the cops.

If your mom is anything like my mom was, no demand and no logic will have any effect. Unless you are prepared to try to have her declared incompetent, you cannot 'make' her do anything, and she knows it.

We had hinted around, made suggestions and assorted offers for years before Mom finally gave up her car. The thing that made her give up her car was when my brother was injured in an accident caused by a different 90+ year old who was not fit to drive. Mom then realized that she did not want to risk hurting somebody simply because her reflexes were not as good as they should be.

Of course, there were a lot of other carrots in this trade. I agreed to buy her old car, my sisters and I agreed to take her to all her regular social events and take her to buy groceries every week. I also agreed to take her on an outing every week to include a drive and lunch. These were sometimes difficult to live up to, but most of the driving we did for Mom helped us to make her last years of life a time when we got to know each other better and also gave us opportunities to get to know her friends.

It may be that you might be able to point out to her that SHE may have benefits in giving up her car. It may also be that you will simply have to wait for events to force the issue. It can be of some help to your own mental health to acknowledge that you have only limited powers here and that your mother is primarily responsible for her own problems and solutions. It might seem easier if you could just take over and mandate all your preferred solutions, but you just can't. Do what you can, by getting in touch with senior services, then back off.

Watching a parent age and make their own mistakes is really hard, but knowing when you cannot force your own will in a situation can help your own sanity.

Call Adult Protective Services and request a home evaluation for placement and request that they participate in a solution to take her car: tell them that, as an only child, you need someone else to be the "bad guy."

When they've come through for you, get her to a Geriatric Psychiatrist. It's time to move her near you, but not in your home.


A last resort would be to hire a guardian service.

I faced this. I reluctantly gave up driving my car and it was sold. Who, for Pete's sake, finds any pleasure in giving up the independence of being able to drive? The fact is, if mother gets into an accident --- even if it is NOT her fault; it will absolutely turn her world upside down and hugely impact her daughter's life. I faced this and realized that it was completely selfish/self-centered of me to keep on driving. I have a sweet friend who was in an accident that was NOT her fault. She was hit broadside at an intersection by a truck that did not stop at his stop sign. She now has a titanium rod up the center of her back! I would like to think that your mother is not so witless as to think she can legally drive without a valid driver's license!

Wherever you live, as the POA you must take control. If you are 'so far away' as to not manage care, why are you the POA and what will you do when your responsibilities require you to be there - ?
* Is your mom deemed mentally incapacitated? If so, you can do what is necessary. If she isn't diagnosed, get her diagnosed.
* If you cannot manage her care, you need to get a manager in there to assist - in ways that you cannot due to distance/travel.
THE CAR . . . yes, she could kill herself and/or others . . . Have someone
* take out a part.
* stuff something in the key hole like cement
* do what you have to do to make the car unusable.
* you notify the local police dept of the situation.

Gena
Touch Matters

Whew...that is a tough one. Sounds like she is not one to agree to moving closer to you into senior living with transportation. For my MIL who loved to drive, she moved near us to an AL. She gave it up driving between having fewer needs to leave "home", transportation options available, and being in a new area where she didn't feel comfortable finding and driving to places. It took a few months of the car sitting in the AL parking lot only starting it on occasion to agree to sell her car.

Others have suggested talking to an attorney about the POA and the situation. Make sure you are documenting incidents you know about showing that she is not capable of driving, handling bills, etc.

Definitely check with DMV in her state. I've heard that some states will cooperate with the family in taking away her license. You might try to find out how many accidents have been reported. When we sold the MIL's car, there were accidents we were unaware of.

My 83-year-old mom has been cognitively impaired since 2014. I am her power of attorney. We live in California. Though she has memory issues and some confusion, she does have her wits about her. You can't trick her or fool her.

In April, a new neurologist reported her as having Alzheimer's to the DMV. She received a letter that her license was revoked. I quickly filed paperwork with the DMV to gain the deed to her vehicle. I sold her Honda CRV for $17,500 and put the cash into her savings, which earns interest. Of course she was absolutely beside herself. I haven't really heard the end of it since May. But things get better and then they get worse, and then better. She feels that she can drive, but she is incorrect. She doesn't have the reflexes. She doesn't have the clear mindedness. She could never pass a DMV test.

The loss of my mom's independence has been very traumatizing for her, and she is very depressed about it. I have tried Lyft and Uber, but she doesn't like them. The cars are "filthy." I got her approved for Sundial transportation, $1.50 per ride, but she doesn't like that either. And she can walk, but she doesn't. It's really up to her to figure out what she wants to do to be able to go somewhere. I'm here to facilitate rides. But in the meantime I'm the one that takes her to all of her doctors' appointments and once-a-week shopping. Because she has Medicare Advantage HMO, no doctor has approved a beta amyloid pet scan; they all have an excuse that it won't be covered, so no point in requesting one; so we don't even really know how bad her condition is, which is frustrating. She lives alone, and she feels trapped and imprisoned. Unfortunately, in the summer it gets up into the 100s every single day. So that's a problem for at least 4 months a year. But now it's nice and she can walk 26 minutes each way to the corner strip malls. She's a schmoozer and loves to chit chat with everybody. She feels like a person when she can interact with others. But how do I get her to get dressed and leave the house? Just not motivated. Ugh! I wish that she would at least go and look at some of the AL facilities so that she can have a more social environment.

When my sister and I moved our father from Florida to New York so she could supervise his dementia care, she took him to the NY DMV and got him an ID card instead of a driver's license. He still had his car, but we gave the keys to his home health aide so he could take dad out to lunch during the day and to run errands. We notified Florida that he had moved out of state and also had alzheimer's and asked that they cancel his Florida license. They did so, but six months later when he wrote to the Florida DMV and told them he needed to renew his license, they sent him a brand new one, to NEW YORK. He didn't even have a Florida address any more. We couldn't believe it. The new license didn't do him any good...we still had the car keys.

My beef.... I went thru wi DMV process for surrendering ur dl for medical reasons... What pissed me off a lot is they have such a damn efficient process for getting people with medical conditions off the road who kill very few people .. but Wi has highest drunken driver rate who kill many people... Disrespect wi DMV but use them when they have a process in place that u can use.

I am sorry you are going through this. If she said you can sell the car, great! If not you can do one of 3 things, move the car away (I sold it) or have someone who knows cars disable it. Park it in a garage. I have my dad with me, his car died so I sold it, he was driving my daughter's car, had a few issues, and when he had his second knee operation I said "enough, you can't drive anymore, it's my car my insurance my house if you hurt someone"
It didn't go well at first but he knew. Now he gets people to pick him up and take him places, He's with me so I do all the Dr runs and church, etc. I had to remind him of when we started driving as kids and what he said to us that hed rip our license up if we messed up. My wife laid it out, "we are not going to lose our home if you hurt someone.
There are services out there to help pick her up to go places, check with your eldercare in your area or churches.
Your situation is hard as you live at a distance. Take the keys, pull the battery, and or move the car. I totally understand your situation. I wish you the best.

Your mom sound similar to mine near the beginning of her disease . I would suggest a geriatric neurocognitive exam. My mom had Lewy Body Dementia. It's a very evil disease. I literally fell on the floor crying like a baby and begged my mom to get rid of the car because she came within 6 inches of hitting a kid on a bike. When she saw me so distressed, she agreed immediately! (There was no kid on a bike, but SHE thought there was and that helped!)

My mom joined the heavenly choir 9/3. The memory care center we found was her SAFE home and it was the best decision we ever made! She was able to have her quickly failing needs met, she had her "apartment", she had 2 best friends, and we got to spend time with her in HER world every day💜

Not sure of state laws, but here as soon as there is a dementia diagnosis, they are no longer able to sign ANY type of legal document anymore.

I’m in the same boat. Dad with Alzheimer’s 3000 miles away from me. In CA when you get any dementia diagnosis the doctor has to report you to the DMV and the DMV suspends your license. He hasn’t has a drivers license for months now but he still drives. He says he’s fine and won’t stop. In order to keep him out of his car I would have to live with him 24/7. I can’t do that. He’s totally fine letting his girlfriend drive when she is there a few days a week. It’s the two or three days he’s there alone that is the problem. We tried hiding the keys, he just went out and bought a new car. We disabled that car. He had it towed and fixed.

You are not alone in this struggle. His neurologist said it’s the number one issue for most caregivers with the moderate stage of dementia. The car is freedom and independence. People are very resistant to give that up. But in NYC you don’t even need a car! I live in the city too. Haven’t owned a car since I left CA 30 years ago.

I also have POA for my father, but your POA doesn’t necessarily give you the power to take over every aspect of their life. For that you need conservatorship or guardianship. I have wrested my father’s financial life away from him without him knowing I’ve even done it using my POA. But I can’t use it to keep him out of his car.

The first thing I did once I had the diagnosis letter was to call his attorney to tell him so he knew what was going on. He said now that he knows he would not allow my father to make any changes to his trust should he come in and try to alter it.

My mom lost her wallet ( found months later in the very back if a drawer) we used that as she couldn’t drive without her DL so she had to wait for me to take her to the dmv. (I also live different state). I was lucky her friends agreed she shouldn’t be driving so no one took her to dmv. Mom is a big rule follower so this worked for us. When we went to the dmv I got her a state ID a instead of a DL. She didn’t say a word when I was talking to the girl she lost her wallet and that we needed a real ID instead of a DL. Once she got it in The mail and saw what it was she asked and we just said that state didn’t think she should drive any more and sent her this. Months later convinced her to sell t he car.

don’t think she realized real ID as different than a DL when at the dmv as we even talked if she needed real ID as opposed to just reissue. As my sil got the mail the day it came she played along pointing out it was a ID not DL

A mess for sure. I had elderly neighbors who disappeared for two days when his wife "picked him up" from the hospital. She wasn't supposed to drive, the keys were "hidden". Never did reconstruct where they were in the state of CT before the police found them. (The police put him in an ambulance and told her to follow. You know what happened.) Another friend notified her father's insurance company who stopped the insurance. He was a pain but not ready to lose all his money in an accident. He stopped driving; they didn't reveal her role. I would call the lawyer who handled things and ask him for advice. Make clear how desperately worried you are. I would also call the police department, the DMV, and her area's state and local aging departments. They have had this problem before, for sure. We have a big car theft problem in our area. Very scary. However, do you want POA for a woman whose judgment is so poor, without guardianship. I don't know what your responsibilities or liabilities are, but I sure would find out from a lawyer. Believe me, if anything happens, people will be more critical of you than your mother is. And, in spite of her threats, I suspect your Mom wants and needs you in that role or a similar one, in spite of her irritating behavior. Maybe time to go out and sit down with the lawyer and talk a little turkey. I would suspect she has always been somewhat difficult and manipulative. As we age, our difficult qualities become more exaggerated in response to the stress.

Call her doctor and DMV and explain everything. Stop enabling. You think it is hard now, wait til she kills somebody and there’s a lawsuit. Sorry to be tough but she’s not based in the reality of her situation.

Do a Google search with search term of "driver assessment for seniors near" and fill in her city name. In our area providers range from private businesses to rehab centers that can assess seniors even if they have not had a previous association with the rehab center. I'm wrestling with my father in a scarily similar situation right now. At her next doctors appointment ask them to say she is required to be assessed before she gets behind the wheel again. I told my dad if he caused an accident and was sued he could lose all he has saved over the years. That slowed him down but hasn't stopped him. His solution was to order another GPS unit (plug in to the cigarette lighter type from honest to heaven 2007) with a screen he can't see and volume he can't hear so he can program one unit to get somewhere and have one unit to get back home. THAT makes perfect sense.

This struggle is very tough to break but tough love action to take. Risky driving can be reckless or accidental, such as with a driver's medical condition. Best to see the lawyer who signed you up with POA, making your Mom pay her own bills and taking responsibility for herself. Safety is about her and others on the road.

The struggle is real.

You can call the DMV in her state and report her issues. They can call her in for a driving test like they do for many seniors. She may suspect you are behind it though and make more problems.

She needs to get off the road before she kills someone. Ask her primary if they will call the DMV.

Today, many people can go by remote service. Try to get her to a social worker or other professional to back you up. What about a report from her doctor?? This is a very tough situation for the two of you with a potentially dangerous folly. Does your mom have anyone else like her own relatives or friends to disable her car? The last resort is to get her to professional driving instructor for evaluation. Look, if the police stop her, her car will likely be impounded. Should an accident occur, her liability insurance is invalid, if still unexpired, like her soon to be expired driver license, she may even be jailed for breaking the law. An accident may have the other party to sue for everything your mother owns, including what the two of you share. And do not pay her bills.

I went through this in 2021. My 94 y/o father has age related macular degeneration and really had no business being behind the wheel but he was still driving. His license was up for renewal in 2021 and he needed the approval of his ophthalmologist to be able to renew his license. I really thought he’d be hanging up the car keys with that. I was furious that his doctor allowed him to drive during specific hours of the day. My parents live in NYC and there is never a time when there is less traffic on the road. It’s stressful to drive there not matter your age.

One day I asked to borrow the car so I could take my 94 y/o mom for a pedicure 3 blocks away. He refused to allow me to drive the car and insisted that he’d take us. I told him there was no way in hell that I’d get in a car with him anymore and we would take a cab which we did.

I spoke to my sister about this and she said her daughter needed a second car. So we decided to have her ask my dad if she could buy it. We then encouraged dad to give it to her so that he could feel good that he helped her out.

it was a win for all concerned.