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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I had an idea pop into my head. Since Mom seems to have no sense of privacy. If she is suffering from Dementia, put a black area rug in front of your door. People with Dementia have problems with depth perception and think its a hole.
@user70, you cannot continue on like this. You wrote in one of your replies:
"...She gets worked up when I'm not around and she shuts down mentally. When I'm not in her presence she will shut off all the lights in the house..won't eat without me, watch TV without me..etc."
I recommend you try the following: DON'T REACT. She acts like this partially because she successfully gets your attention every single time by shutting off lights, not eating, not watching TV.
- She turns off all the lights when you aren't in the room: So what? - She won't eat without you: So what? - She won't watch TV without you: So what?
Any time she does one of those attention-getting actions, IGNORE HER. Every single time you walk back into a darkened room, you can calmly and pleasantly say to her in an approving voice: "oh, are you meditating? That's nice. I will leave you quietly to meditate. Let me know when you're ready to eat" then go back to your own room, or get a snack, or whatever.
Maybe her shenanigans will peter out if you don't react as a knee-jerk reaction to all of her histrionics. That is, if her dementia isn't too deep.
I have a second recommendation. You also wrote "I know she needs psychiatric care but her primary care physician sees nothing wrong with her mental state". Get a couple of RING or other brand cameras* (you can purchase plug-in electric socket, or battery operated inexpensive cameras) in order to record the histrionics.
You can then send the video with just the touch of a button by email or text to her physician to show her repeated histronics and melt-downs and ugly manipulations. This will open his eyes to what is really going on, at which time he can order tests and get her the help she (and you) needs.
Perhaps set one camera aimed towards your bedroom door to document her melt-downs when you innocently close your door, and set another camera in the living room where she gets you to react by turning off lights and TV.
When you set them up, just calmly state to her that you will feel safer with a couple cameras in the house. That is the truth, isn't it? Then, if you are a two-party state where you must advise someone that they're being taped or recorded, you are legally covered.
------------- * I am one of the least technologically adept persons I know, but I set mine (RING) up and they were so very easy, and they were cheap, and you can turn them off when you don't want to record or you can just leave them on to record any motion, and if something happens that you want to document, you just press a little button within two weeks of the recording and you can save the video forever...I was so nervous doubting my ability to set up cameras but I finally felt forced to because my neighborhood has had an ongoing spate of indoor break-in burglaries, plus mailbox thefts, plus small packs of hungry coyotes roaming around and I had twice been shocked and actually trapped in the pitch black night and at sunrise by coyotes who no longer fear humans. The cameras have been invaluable to me, and I suspect will prove invaluable to you.
Maybe a neighbor has a room you can stay in, and do what the other person suggested...leave for the night if you can't shut your door.
Does she have any funds from maybe when she had a home of her own? If she can't afford an assisted living place, you might check out Adult Family Homes. Often they are better about percentages of people they allow to transition to Medicaid....and (at least in my area) there are a whole bunch of them, so finding one near by was easy.
Totally understand why you don't shut your door...likely it will be much more stressful for you to do so as she'll be banging on the door and yelling.
If having her live in an AFH near you isn't possible, I agree with others...the next time she goes to the hospital tell them you can't take her back. You are going to end up with ulcers, or worse, if you don't already have them. I know you want to do right by her, but you can't allow her present to dictate your future. She might be around a couple more decades. Then what?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
So I would probably lock my bedroom door when I need it to avoid push-open situation if other means don't work well.
If your parent has dementia..................rules and boundaries are moot. If you want privacy, put a lock on the door.
"...She gets worked up when I'm not around and she shuts down mentally. When I'm not in her presence she will shut off all the lights in the house..won't eat without me, watch TV without me..etc."
I recommend you try the following: DON'T REACT. She acts like this partially because she successfully gets your attention every single time by shutting off lights, not eating, not watching TV.
- She turns off all the lights when you aren't in the room: So what?
- She won't eat without you: So what?
- She won't watch TV without you: So what?
Any time she does one of those attention-getting actions, IGNORE HER. Every single time you walk back into a darkened room, you can calmly and pleasantly say to her in an approving voice: "oh, are you meditating? That's nice. I will leave you quietly to meditate. Let me know when you're ready to eat" then go back to your own room, or get a snack, or whatever.
Maybe her shenanigans will peter out if you don't react as a knee-jerk reaction to all of her histrionics. That is, if her dementia isn't too deep.
I have a second recommendation. You also wrote "I know she needs psychiatric care but her primary care physician sees nothing wrong with her mental state". Get a couple of RING or other brand cameras* (you can purchase plug-in electric socket, or battery operated inexpensive cameras) in order to record the histrionics.
You can then send the video with just the touch of a button by email or text to her physician to show her repeated histronics and melt-downs and ugly manipulations. This will open his eyes to what is really going on, at which time he can order tests and get her the help she (and you) needs.
Perhaps set one camera aimed towards your bedroom door to document her melt-downs when you innocently close your door, and set another camera in the living room where she gets you to react by turning off lights and TV.
When you set them up, just calmly state to her that you will feel safer with a couple cameras in the house. That is the truth, isn't it? Then, if you are a two-party state where you must advise someone that they're being taped or recorded, you are legally covered.
-------------
* I am one of the least technologically adept persons I know, but I set mine (RING) up and they were so very easy, and they were cheap, and you can turn them off when you don't want to record or you can just leave them on to record any motion, and if something happens that you want to document, you just press a little button within two weeks of the recording and you can save the video forever...I was so nervous doubting my ability to set up cameras but I finally felt forced to because my neighborhood has had an ongoing spate of indoor break-in burglaries, plus mailbox thefts, plus small packs of hungry coyotes roaming around and I had twice been shocked and actually trapped in the pitch black night and at sunrise by coyotes who no longer fear humans. The cameras have been invaluable to me, and I suspect will prove invaluable to you.
Do it! You won't regret it. Good luck.
Does she have any funds from maybe when she had a home of her own? If she can't afford an assisted living place, you might check out Adult Family Homes. Often they are better about percentages of people they allow to transition to Medicaid....and (at least in my area) there are a whole bunch of them, so finding one near by was easy.
Totally understand why you don't shut your door...likely it will be much more stressful for you to do so as she'll be banging on the door and yelling.
If having her live in an AFH near you isn't possible, I agree with others...the next time she goes to the hospital tell them you can't take her back. You are going to end up with ulcers, or worse, if you don't already have them. I know you want to do right by her, but you can't allow her present to dictate your future. She might be around a couple more decades. Then what?