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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My dad and I have always been very close. A couple of weeks ago I made the difficult decision to take vehicle keys from him. He is extremely upset and mad at me.
I’m glad you did the right thing but sorry that he is so upset.
My dad was very angry about having the car and car keys taken away from him, and could not understand that him driving off in the wrong direction for four hours, getting lost in his home town, and having car accidents was any problem— nor did he ever understand, accept, or care that he had dementia. Somehow, the fact that my mother sold his car to a friend of theirs at a very friendly price helped him get over that somewhat.
He was more angry about having his access to his financial accounts taken away but I had to do that also because he was making really bad financial mistakes and giving away thousands from his retirement account.
His obsession to regain control got a little better over his last few years, but he basically never stopped complaining and trying to get control over finances again and trying to work around us. He never stopped being angry and upset or learn to trust that the bills were being paid, the taxes were being filed, his social security checks were being deposited. Sometimes I would show him a printout of the first page of the checking account or taxes just to try to quieten him down.
I had to accept that he wasn’t going to be happy about it and wasn’t going to stop complaining or demanding his way or try to sneak around me. Taking away those things from my dad seemed like the hardest thing I had ever done up to that point in my life because he had drilled into me that he knew best and I could never measure up. But you just can’t leave a person with dementia in the drivers seat on these issues no matter how big or long the tantrum they throw about it.
Back off and let him stew. By no means should you be drawn into long unproductive conversations. Find some way for him to get the places he wants to go. Maybe one of his friends would agree to drive him around one or two days a week? A high school student eager to make money might do it if you paid. There are services that drive seniors; check around his town and find out if there's an organization with volunteers who do this.
You have done the right thing. Allowing him to drive when he no longer is capable could have cost him his life. He could have had an accident and harmed others also. Stay firm and work on finding him some transportation that isn't you. Also consider that it may be time for him to go to assisted living, where they have cars and vans to take him where he wants to go. He'd also have a social life, which would free you from some of the tasks that you now do for him.
Even when I took a long route to get my very resistant Mom to stop driving (primary care doc appt; cognitive impairment diagnosis; recommendation for my Mom to take a VIrtual Driving Assessment that she failed; failure reported to the Dept of Public Safety which cancelled her license immediately which my Mom ignored for a few weeks) she was still angry at ME even though the MD and the OT and the test results and the DoPS were the ones who stopped her from driving.
3 years later she still brings it up. He will cool back down eventually, but if he brings it up just ignore it and change the subject or distract him with something on your phone or out the window, etc. Keep doing this. There's no reason to waste your emotional energy on acknowleding his anger and keeping it "alive".
You did the right thing, just keep telling yourself this and know that his broken brain will probably never accept your reasons for doing it.
I'm sorry to say that your dad's feelings are his responsibility to deal with. Of course you can remind him that you love him and tell him you just couldn't live with yourself if something happened to him driving but in the end it's up to him. If he has Alzheimer's/dementia he may not have the capacity to "get over it". In the end you have to be ok with doing what is best, whether he can appreciate it or not. It's really hard.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My dad was very angry about having the car and car keys taken away from him, and could not understand that him driving off in the wrong direction for four hours, getting lost in his home town, and having car accidents was any problem— nor did he ever understand, accept, or care that he had dementia. Somehow, the fact that my mother sold his car to a friend of theirs at a very friendly price helped him get over that somewhat.
He was more angry about having his access to his financial accounts taken away but I had to do that also because he was making really bad financial mistakes and giving away thousands from his retirement account.
His obsession to regain control got a little better over his last few years, but he basically never stopped complaining and trying to get control over finances again and trying to work around us. He never stopped being angry and upset or learn to trust that the bills were being paid, the taxes were being filed, his social security checks were being deposited. Sometimes I would show him a printout of the first page of the checking account or taxes just to try to quieten him down.
I had to accept that he wasn’t going to be happy about it and wasn’t going to stop complaining or demanding his way or try to sneak around me. Taking away those things from my dad seemed like the hardest thing I had ever done up to that point in my life because he had drilled into me that he knew best and I could never measure up. But you just can’t leave a person with dementia in the drivers seat on these issues no matter how big or long the tantrum they throw about it.
You have done the right thing. Allowing him to drive when he no longer is capable could have cost him his life. He could have had an accident and harmed others also. Stay firm and work on finding him some transportation that isn't you. Also consider that it may be time for him to go to assisted living, where they have cars and vans to take him where he wants to go. He'd also have a social life, which would free you from some of the tasks that you now do for him.
3 years later she still brings it up. He will cool back down eventually, but if he brings it up just ignore it and change the subject or distract him with something on your phone or out the window, etc. Keep doing this. There's no reason to waste your emotional energy on acknowleding his anger and keeping it "alive".
You did the right thing, just keep telling yourself this and know that his broken brain will probably never accept your reasons for doing it.