My mom (87) is dying/not dying...its a long rollercoaster and I am the only family member here for her. I have an out of town brother. I'm exhausted and burned out from the up and down of her almost near death and somehow bouncing back only to have a few more weeks of her being okay until perhaps the next almost near death. I feel like the girl who cried wolf anytime she gets bad then bounces back. Her hospice caregivers also keep thinking at those times she's near death. My mom asked me today if everything was okay because I didn't call her last night. (i call at the very least two times a day and stop over almost every day. Anyway, how do I answer..."no mom, i'm not okay. Im exhausted and emotionally drained from all this." seems somewhat unfair of me to feel that way when she is the one suffering and lingering.
Although others are interpreting your mom’s question differently, the way I read it is simple, your mom was asking if everything is ok because you didn’t call as you normally do.
I think the most difficult part is that the person in whom we would normally find refuge, consoling words and hugs that make all wrong feel right, is now the one we need to protect and console.
I’d advise you to not tell your mom all you’re feeling and going through, out of compassion, as the process she’s living is difficult enough. Yet, keep in mind that although you’re not sharing with her your pain and exhaustion, I am pretty sure she knows it, as well as she knows that she’s dying, and she’s very tired herself from feeling sick, afraid and lonely. I say lonely because I believe the process of death is so unique to each person and so profound, that it has to make one feel alone, simply because no one can really walk that walk with us.
So although you’re not verbally sharing with your mom how terribly you feel, I’d suggest to just hug her, hug her with all your heart! and let the warmth of her hug repair some of what’s breaking inside you, rest a little in the arms of your mother. You’ll get more out of that quiet hug than what you’d get out of telling her things that you’d ultimately regret.
Find something to do every day that makes your mind and body rest for a while, take a break, at least for half hour. You need to give yourself injections of strength and calmness to be able to give to your mom the best possible ‘you’ during this time, and don’t allow tiredness to become anger or disappointment (we’re humans, all is possible).
Whatever your beliefs may be, look for the great power outside and within you. These type of situations humble us and make us remember that we cannot face life without relying on someone/something bigger than us. In my case, God has generously demonstrated me that He is present, and for and through my faith I’ve overcome situations that otherwise I’m pretty sure I couldn’t have.
May God bless you and your mom today and in the days to come!
I am SO sorry! That is such a tragedy & so much loss! My prayers go with you & your family. At least my dad had lived his life & he was 90 ( still hard )
But to lose people way before their time & so suddenly! I just can't imagine. Its hard not to question why at times like that.
We must trust in Him. He has a plan. But it's just so hard. Love & prayers, my friend.
Much sympathy to you also with the loss of your cousin! Thank you again for the lovely poem & much love!
His funeral was the largest our family had ever seen--packed houses at church, funeral home and his name was mentioned on Baltimore radio. The Dash is so perfect because don't we all aspire to live our lives like that if at all possible? So sorry to learn of your dad's passing. Many condolences.
Even though I've been accused on this board for not "really meaning" my written sentiments, I truly am sorry to hear of your father's passing. I lost my dad too and it's such an empty feeling. He was my buddy. Thank God for memories and pictures.
I find I'm using Dads' phrases or "pearls of wisdom" a lot these days and don't even realize it until after I said it. Then I smile and tell him that what he said must have rubbed off on me.
As your Dad is resting in a better place, may God comfort you.
His "dash" was 90 years. So Blessed to have had him that long! Thank you
Is this it?
The Dash
by Linda Ellis
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end
He noted that first came her date of her birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years
For that dash represents all the time
That she spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved her
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy is being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
© 1996 All Rights Reserved, Linda Ellis
Is Google wonderful?
But just now, I reread your question and it seems that your mother is questioning how your condition is.
With my father, I "side-stepped" as much as I could. Either put him onto another subject or told half-truths. Like when he asked me if he was a bad father - I asked him if he did the best he knew how, the best he could.
He said he really did and I only said, no one can ask for more than your best. It made him happy and I didn't really answer his question.
I did, however, remember later that he was raised without a dad and his mother wasn't always nice to him - she favored the younger brother for some reason.
Anyway, I am sorry about misunderstanding but we cannot remove comments on this site.
Try calling your mom with "can't talk long, have xxx to take care of, love you and will talk to you tomorrow" or something along those lines.
I don't know what works for you for relaxing, but for me it's a long, luxurious bubble bath. Works wonders.
I was only trying to be helpful & the only way that I can BE helpful is with the "help" of the Lord.
I am a Christian & thankful every single moment of my life that I am.
I could not make it in this world without His help & Grace, & Love, & Forgiveness, & Strength. He is a part of me & couldn't offer much help or comforting words ( which I thought was one of the purposes of this forum ), but that's just me.
So if I
offended you I'm sorry, but when I think of offering kind words to someone who is hurting & tired & about to pull her hair out, & is exhausted ( Bless her soul, I've been through it ) the Lord is just included in my reportoire. But that's just me.
Actually, it's a common response for anyone that has a set routine. If you normally have a phone call from your adult child every Sunday afternoon, and you didn't hear from them, you'd wonder the same thing. Maybe, you'd even call later that night, just to make sure that everything IS OK.
I think that's what your mom is doing. She noticed a "gap" in the routine. By reassuring her (of course with a "fib", "I'm sorry Mom, I was cleaning out the freezer and time got away from me."), you'll set her mind at ease again.
A tear is coming to my eye as I remember my dad telling me, at 50 years old, to call him after I drove home from his house. He just wanted to make sure I got home okay.
1) RayLinStephens has a legitimate point. Some people want to know the plain truth while others do better with sweet little lies. We should assume the son or daughter knows the parent best and will arrive at the best answer. If the parent sees through the lie and wants a straight answer, it can be given gently with as much optimism as is realistic for the time.
2) In response to Redgranddad's response to Victorious66, I get the impression that Victorious66 assumes the OP is NOT a Christian as the comment "preaches" basic tenets of Christianity that would be known by anyone who is.
I sometimes go to the NH and just put my head on my mother's shoulder. She's mom. That's enough for me.
When my dad was put on Dialysis, I did research and sat him down and explained what would happen when the time came and he wanted to quit.
I believe in the truth. Not with malice, the truth dished out with love. Gently. With Questions. Pop did Dialysis for almost 3 years but decided he'd had enough after turning 88. True to my word, I helped him with his decision.