How has caregiving changed your views of life and aging?

Hoping life is bearable, grrrrr!

Many times 1 child steps in to care for the elder, the other parent deceased, sacrificing their life, ability to work and earn/build a future, caring for years , living the daily trauma silently with no help....The elder is afraid alone even in daylight. meaning the care giver cannot be away from home long, not able to work a full time job or have a life. The care giving is trying as the elder becomes abusive to the care giver. Care givers lose hundreds of thousands of $ because the others do not care and leave the elder to fend for herself so the closest one steps in. Those estranged have no idea as they ignore the scale of how serious and traumatizing the daily drama can be, never realizing what the caregiver
has actually been suffering through, alone.
Seems the other estranged family or siblings come into the picture many many years later when the elder is near death, uses manipulation to convince the elder that the caregiver does not love them or other lies while the care giver never finds out until after the death.
Sadly, many times family or non family members who know the dynamic of the family can step in manipulating the estranged family as well as master minding the coercion knowing the lack of competence of the elder and the nature of the distance between the family members using it to manipulate the situation, in many cases disinheriting the care giving child and getting themselves named into the will. Although obvious, it happens.
The caregiver at that point normally has only what little the parent was going to leave them yet the others walk in and try to take it even so they neglected the parent and did nothing to help all the years before, having lived their lives free of this trauma and having been able to financially stabilize their own life and are not in need of the monies but taking it from greed and a sense of false entitlement. The money motivates them to blindly fall into the deceit of the conspiring NON family member and sometimes not so blindly....idea of money can make it so they don't want to see the truth. Legally this has gone under the radar for years until about 5 or so years ago

Yes, send. We arrive with nothing and we leave the same way.

"You've gotta know when to fold..."

M88

Blackhole, thanks for breathing life back into this thread.... I just spent time re-reading the postings, it was so good I had to read each and every one from the start. Some serious, some very entertaining.

I think back to when this thread started back in the summer of 2015 how much has changed in my life.... my Mom passed due to a serious fall.... and my Dad decided two weeks after my Mom passed that he was now ready for a senior living facility. Now I am up to my eyeballs trying to empty out their house of 70+ years of "stuff".

Dealing with all that "stuff" now makes me want to live simpler with less stuff of my own [sorry, George Carlin]. And I want to downsize as my house is turning out to be too much to clean and, I swear, the yard keeps doubling in size every year :P

I have changed a lot. Today a man was showing interest in me at church. I guess he is 80 years old or a bit more. He's a handsome man. He asked me if I was married or had a boyfriend. Then he started talking about himself and why he was in assisted living. He said he wanted to move back out. And silly me. Instead of being flattered that he was interested in me, all I could think is that he was looking for someone young enough to take care of him.

I have definitely changed in the way I view older people. I remembered the talk of the three 80+ year old men at the table about what they wanted if they should marry again -- a Christian woman young enough to take care of them who had her own money and would let him leave everything to his own children. All quid, no quo. What woman wouldn't want that?

Before being a caregiver, I trusted elderly people.

Blackhole: You're absolutely correct. A cousin died at 66. Two friends died at 62 and 66. Two more 32 and 34. You never know when God calls you home.

Know when to walk away, know when to run....

Be sure to cash in your chips before you go.

Jessebelle, Don't know how young or old you are, but much too young at heart for anyone over 55, imo.

Thanks, send. Alas, I've lost my faith in old people and men. I don't think I'll be able to trust either again.

So sorry Jessebelle.
I trust No One.

Sniff :'(

Except I trust in Him, who is my Savior.

1) downsize and move into senior living before I become a burden on my son 2) plan my care myself and save money for it 3) take as good care of my health now as I can so that I can age as best as possible 4) don't become a demanding, unreasonable old bat :)

Jessie: I don't blame you for not trusting old people and men. I have been used by people in the past and put a stop to it! I tend to be helpful, then get stepped on! No more of that! I mean I still help people until they become wacko women who want you to spend the night because they're paranoid of their neighbor and ended up vandalizing the poor man's car! I am not about to get involved in the sleepover thing.

Good Lord - I could go on forever regarding how the last 5 1/2 years have changed me - in little ways of no real consequence and in great big life altering ways. I mentioned this one once before - I was watching an old movie with Sam Elliott starring - I'm crazy, hot for him. But I found myself thinking "yea, he's somewhere sitting in his Depends long about now". Then, hubby and I have been looking to buy a small beach house but I find myself looking at them on-line thinking "how would we get our oxygen tanks up those steps"? I'm 54, hubby 51 and no - neither one of us are on oxygen! I find myself looking around our house, considering ideas on how to modify it so we can stay here longer. I was surprised and sadden when I mentioned an idea to my hubby regarding a modification and he instantly replied with a similar idea - it showed me my journey into dementia and health issues with my folks has impacted him more than I thought. Sad. I contemplate whether to get new dogs after these two pass - they are ages 3 and 4. What if I can't change my Depends without getting poo all over me? Ive always loved a long, hot shower, will I develope an aversion to it? I've begun my long-term plan for placement/care for our disabled adult son - for after hubby and I pass. I'm having surgery in a few days to correct something that could be treated non-surgery for several years but would eventually need surgical correction. What if my dementia is too sevear to do the surgery later? Like I said - on and on. Thing is - my rational side says - live in the present. I could be hit by a bus tommorow...I get mad at myself for dwelling on the possibility of a rotten old age but yea, the past 5+ years of watching my parents deteriorate both physically and mentally - daddy suffering two years before he passed - yes, it's definately changed the way I think.

YES - caregiving has changed my view of life and aging. Frankly, I'm darned proud to be the "child" in our small family to have my 90-year-old father in my home. Yes, it's stressful, expensive and crazy at times - but this is about family. My parents didn't have me to take care of them in their old age - my parents had me out of love. They took care of me when I couldn't walk, was incontinent, couldn't talk, couldn't read, couldn't drive, couldn't cook my own food, didn't have any money.....and then I grew up. I figure the very least I can do is return the favor when Pop's in the same shape I started out in.

My view of life has changed - I'm a better daughter, sister, mother and grandmother. I value life more. I value seeing a smile on the faces that I love. I cherish conversations with my father...and I find that I actually listen better. There are no "do-overs" when it comes to the end of life and I want no regrets in my heart. I want my father's last years on this earth to be surrounded by love and respect and comfort and peace - and if that means hours of my day are spent comparing adult diaper absorbency, so be it.

My children have the same values as my husband and I. I am immensely proud of them for their involvement in their grandparents' lives - and for going above and beyond for their Grandfather after my Mom's passing. Even if I do end up in a nursing home somewhere, I have no doubt that my children will be my stalwart advocates until I leave this earth. Seeing them in action in and around my parents these last few years has made that a concrete fact in my heart.

Paula, beautifully, emotionally, insightfully and very poetic expression of your role as a caregiver. You've raised issues which aren't often expressed, shared thoughts which are too often missed in the stress of caregiving, and given new meaning to the role of caregiving.

Nope caregiving hasn't changed my views on raging one iota - I don't want to be old, I don't want to grow old, I don't want anyone looking after me - I just want the right to die with dignity. Good grief I don't even want to cost the state much - One injection then off to the crematorium - done ..... sorted

aging not raging!!!!

I think the most important thing I have learned about caregiving is you can only do so much. With my folks I do as much as they wil let me. When this all got dumped on me about 5 years ago I wasn't prepared, didn't understand dementia or much else about eldercare. I was in a constant state of panic. Just couldn't get these guys to do what I wanted!

Ive since learned to pick my battles and accept the fact that stuff is gonna happen no matter how much I worry or plan. We've all calmed down a great deal since I quit trying to impose my will on them.

Windy, you hit it right on center!
I feel as you do.
I bought book(s) on caregiving, and had no time to read them.........duh!!!!
Pulled them closer to me and have one right here on top of the desk... some information is helpful. Some not so much........
Actually, so much is a matter of common sense.
What is VERY TOUGH is caring for parents who hated you growing up, or never cared about you 'really', or ignored you, treated you awful or even abused you. I know somebody first hand that had to care for her dad, and they had never had a father/daughter loving relationship.
This person did care for the dad, till his last breath, at home, in her arms. He had Alz. and was very abusive and violent........at the end.
It is hard to at that late date in life to feel "warm and fuzzy and be thrilled and happy caring for this ogre of person you don't even know!" But.... there was no one else in the cosmos to care for him.
I do admire all caregivers, I do! Now that I am one, I say to myself..........whoah! before mom came to live with us, we were living in "Disneyland". Now, this is the "real" life, and we got to muster up for it.
Like someone said in this thread a few posts ago, "no regrets".............that is my wish.
M88

Actually caregiving HAS changed one very important aspect of my life. I have made the decision to talk to my children about my wishes for my old age and my eventual death. I have written an advanced directive and they know I have - they don't like it but respect my wishes. I have POAs in place and a DNR in place so that they cannot be overridden and I wear a DNR bracelet and Necklace with information as to where to find said documents in the event I fall ill.

So yes it has changed me in that respect

I'm not sure that I had much of a view on caregiving and aging until I became a caregiver and all this stuff with my failing parents hit me like a ton of bricks. I've learned a lot reading and using this forum. Also discovered that most of my friends my age also are going through similar struggles with elderly parents.

Being a Lone Ranger cargiver has good and bad points. I don't have any meddling relatives to fight with but then I don't have anyone to help shoulder the burden either.

It has opened my eyes as to what I want to happen to me as I age. I do not want to end up on multiple life extending meds and spend 20 years with no quality of life. My wife and I have done all the legal stuff, papers are all in order, the problem is, who on earth will administer our wishes about ageing and end of life. There's no kids, just the two of us.

The scary thing is, it's so easy to slowly slip into dementia, lose your ability to control your destiny and end up socked away in a nursing home for years. So what to do.....Hire a law firm as POA? Suicide pact? I now this sounds kinda grim but it's a serious problem for lots of folks with no family left.

Caregiving has changed me alot my views about life just a bit. I believe it is our born duty to take care of and honor our parents. Sometimes I feel cheated, I didnt get hugs and kisses. My father pretended to spank my sister by hitting the dresser with belt for my mom sake and she is like an alien to me. I was raised to be my mothers helper. I didnt take notice or mind until I realize the nastiness and ugliness from my mother and sister for no real cause because I have literally foucused on keeping them bothe happy all my life. It hurt like hell when my father died and I tried to fill in. Well Im taken for granted, disrespected, belittled just about all my life. I feel resentment sometimes and anger. But my view on life remains the same and is even more intensified. Honor my mother and father and give love. I dont like to see anyone hurting because I know deep down what it feels like. I do pray a lot more because its hard especially when my own life has been hindered by the dysfunction in many ways. Coming upon this site is one of the best things thats happend to me. It keeps me sane, I laugh, smile, frown, somethings I don't get but most of all its helping me and making me a better daughter, mother, caregiver and person. Thank you all.

I am truly pleased for you DD (and I do mean that with sincerity). As a non believer and somewhat left of centre though I feel very differently. For me the 'honour thy father and mother' is a construct that saves communities from helping everyone within those communities. Plus for me it seems to mean, in practice, that the construct is wide open to abuse with no support for when it fails. That effectively means that the solid qualities of a country - it's citizenship is rather open to questioning on most levels today.

I don't want to get into a political debate at all but when my own country's (UK) government CUTS money on tackling support for carers, cuts facilities to allow carers respite, forces situations where carers become increasingly isolated and dependent on their friends (like carers retain friends if they have had to move away from their own homes to care!) or on pills to manage their increasing depression using the view that it is an honour to care for your parents, then what is it saying to its nation? That carers are worthless? How can one expect communities to do other than follow their lead?

Yet the whole issue of the aged and the caregiving of the aged is or should be the hottest topic and top of the list. In 1950 in the UK the average life expectancy was about 70 (give or take) By 2010 it had risen to around 80 and it is similar for the USA and it now stands at 82 and rising. That means that a huge number of those people born in 1950 and who were expected to die within the next 4 or 5 years will still be alive for at least another 10 years on top. Bolt on the increase in population and it doesn't take a genius to see that our countries have not prepared themselves for the aging populations we are about to see explode.

Couple with that a growing decline in religious institutions (particularly in inner cities) and I can foresee a recipe for utter disaster if someone somewhere doesn't tackle it soon

Thanks for the input you do lhave a valid point Phoenix. I dont see where the honor part particularly relates to abuse or isolation of care of others. I mean really should say elders because we all help the elder I mean those of us who care. I think it may be a difference in rural and city areas. I live in a large city. Im not saying that all people help the elders but there is a way we help our elderly. I am the main caregiver for my mom. But I get helped in many ways by others. A neighbor who is about 8yrs older than my self takes my mother to pick up her dog food and goes with her to meetings. Everyone keeps tabs on the elderly. We shovel there snow and although its not so direct look out go to the store. I mean for years I took an elderly Jamaican man sunday dinner untill he was put in nursing home. So I understand some of what your saying.

When communities view it as a daughter (or son's) duty to honour their parents and ergo look after them and caregive I have an issue. Ensure they are cared for - oh yes that is something that I consider to be essential (although not a duty) to caregive though is something entirely different and increasingly I am being told it is an honour to caregive. Big Big difference, Had I seen that my mother was cared for I would still be a senior manager and have a decent pension and a decent quality of life but it wasn't the way of things and I gave up work (long story but difficult to care from 150 miles away with the company I worked for at that time) I therefore gave up my pension my friends and my life. Having moved to an area I hadn't lived in for 35 years I knew no-one and we don't seem to have the same type of support system you have at all. I wouldn't even know what my neighbours were called let alone think they would help - all too busy with their own lives. So a very big difference from your experience.

When I said abuse I mean that governments use the construct of it being your duty to honour your parents by caregiving to avoid putting in place the infrastructure that will support that. When a caregiver is in isolation - THAT is the abuse not of the person they look after but of them. We have laws in this country that prevent working over 48 hours a week - UNLESS YOU ARE A CAREGIVER and then it matters not a jot how many hours you work

Pheonix I understand where u r coming from. Oue experience is different but the same in a way. I have sacraficed career and pertinent relationships way before I realized the implications involved in dedicating oneself to principles and morals. As I live with decisions Ive made in dedication I struggle with confusion anger resentment bitterness at any given miment. Im still tryin to figure it out and maintain my health sanity and finanicial security. I apreciate other perspectives it helps and is food for thought. I truly truly appreciate where you are coming from.

I get very bitter whenever people say "Oh, you're such a good daughter...Your parents are so lucky to have you..." and then they immediately follow-up with "I would never want my children to take care of me...I would never want to be a burden on them...I'm putting myself in a home so my they can have a life..." Society needs to learn to shut-up every once in a while. They need to learn to not pass judgement until they're in our shoes. I get so frustrated at the ignorance, insensitivity and lack of knowledge people have when they're so ready to pass judgement on my situation. I had dreams before both parents needed my help - and I can definitely state that when I was a kid growing up, I never dreamed of becoming a full-time caregiver; never on the playground did I tell my childhood friends after playing a round Red rover and drinking lemonade "I can't wait until I can take care of my aging parents! I'm so looking forward to dedicating my life 24x7 to my parents while missing out on having the family, having the successful career, and earning the doctorate I've always wanted. I can't wait to feel the lack of self-worth all caregivers feel at some point!! I want to feel degraded - all the time!" Obviously my situation now is not what I enjoy - but - I'll also state that I just know that I'm on this difficult journey for a reason and in the end I have to believe it's going to workout for me. I have to believe there's a bigger plan for me down the road but I need to learn whatever lessons now before I reach the end of this road. I'm definitely more prepared for how to deal with my aging issues than my friends are in my age group - they have no clue and will be shocked at what's it's like to age in America. I'm thankful I have the time to ramp-up my finances so I have some choices available when I'm looking for retirement homes. I also think by being a caregiver, I've learned what's important in a friendship and in a relationship with a significant other. I'm also not stressed out whenever I'm having to face a difficult situation professionally - because been through hell and back multiple times in dealing with my aging parents that I can handle anything at this point! I've matured a lot in how to overall handle life, so to speak. I wasn't a bad person before. I just became better, more put-together (if this makes sense) during my caregiving process and I'll move through life more productively as a result. If I had to do it all over again, frankly, I would become my parents' caregiver again but this time around I would plan it more efficiently and effectively so I can balance having a life of my own. I'm just now beginning to create my life and putting me first, for once in nearly a decade. Mom is 74 but has the body of a 94 year-old. Her time is coming. It's time for me put in motion my goals. It's my time now. I wasn't emotionally ready for this until recently. But, finally, I'm on my way. I want to accomplish a lot in life. And, most importantly, I want to make my now deceased father proud of me because he would never want me to give up on my dreams. I just had to push through and jump over all the crazy long bumps on the road of taking care of my parents, crossing the finishing line while wearing a bunch of medals, then taking a hard right off the exit ramp and going on to the next road - which is my road of my goals and dreams - finally! :-)