How in the world do I add being a caregiver to my parents? I don’t know what to do!

You can’t. And with having your own kids, your parents should not expect you to.

I agree with another poster. There is no eventually, it is now. Talk to your father about managed care for the two of them. Make sure he understands that you are not part of the solution. You cannot take on any more than what you are doing now, even for a little while. You are willing to assist getting to the next stage but you are NOT the next stage.

Realistically this could be happening to your parents whether they had children or did not. If they did not have children there would be no expectation that a child step in and handle things. If you lived in another country you could not do all these things that you mention.

My point is that you need to make it clear that you love them and that you are so sorry for what they are going through, but that you cannot be the caregiver. Trying to do this would break you and do them very little good thereby.

Placement is almost a certainty. Stop now with making this YOUR problem. It is (sadly) their problem so that your question now for your Dad is "What are your plans?" And YOU cannot be the answer as in "YOU are the plan". You are going to have to toughen up to protect yourself AND them. They now need care. You cannot do it, and it is not your responsibility to do it.

I am so sorry for this dire diagnosis. This is a tragedy. But it is not something you are able to nor qualified to "fix".

Good Morning,

My dear Mary, don't be at a total loss. There is help out there. These are just a few suggestions that I hope will assist you.

I think your parents may be beyond an Assisted Living. Can you find a facility with different tiers, for example, some places have Assisted Living, short-term rehab, long-term rehab, nursing home, respite care, palliative and hospice. Basically, as the illnesses progress they move within the same facility just a different wing that suits their needs.

My mother has Lewy Body and this beast of disease you have keep ahead of. It's hard but there are services out there--home care, day respite programs, etc.

If either of your parents were in the military you could contact your VA Office about Aid & Attendance.

Your situation is demanding in all areas of your life. The less you have to worry about with your parents, the better. Of course, this takes $$$. You can go online and do a virtual tour or call "A Place For Mom". They will find a place for "both" of your parents. You can still visit your parents but you will not be responsible for "everything". You can check on them, bring the children, the other residents will love it!

You need a "team" of people. Don't feel guilty if you can't be everywhere.

These facilities have x-rays taken there, dentist, hair, etc. The resident/patient is not out in the van everyday being transported all over the place.

If one of your parents is more mobile, they can still get around and participate in activities.

I would NOT say as one other person commented, "I will not be taking care of you". Just simply say, that you want to keep them both together--cared for and safe at night, but perhaps it may not be in their home. You can oversee everything. When someone is sick you want to make them feel like they are loved and cared for and not on their own.

There are ways of saying things that they won't feel abandoned. Hold their hands, sit down and look into their face. Assure them. Let them know you are working on a plan. Parkinson's as you know is progressive.

You need a Social Worker, assessment by a primary care giver and line up your ducks for the proper paper work, POA, etc.

There is an answer here. I hope I gave you some encouragement. I will pray for you. Call on the troops--collect your information and you can always change things too. You are not stuck if something doesn't work out.

You can go online and read reviews...you don't have to run around to do this.

Respectfully, you *do* know what to do, you just dread telling your parents and dealing with the fallout. I don't blame you. But you must tell them no.

If I were in your shoes I would approach your parents under the assumption that they are rational, loving people (giving them the benefit of the doubt -- many parents are not). From this perspective, I would have a planned discussion with them as to why you won't be providing more care to them: the existing extra burden of your profoundly disabled child plus 3 others means there is 0 time and energy left at the end of each day to add any more to your plate.

Then you present what you think your parents' options are: based on their means, what it would cost for them to hire enough help for each day/need; transportation options; house upkeep labor and costs; etc. This lump number can then be compared to the cost (and benefits) of transitioning to IL then AL, in a continuum of care community. FYI the only "benefit" of staying in their home with the amount of problems they have is that it "feels comfortable" to them. There are no other real benefits because managing the affairs of 2 more people and house will be a big undertaking.

Then there's always the risk that when they get to the point of really needing to be transitioned, they won't cooperate. Make the goal to get them in there sooner rather than later. Take vidoes of some candidate facilities to show them they aren't dirty, depressing, scary, etc. Also, your parents have probably spent their entire lives having YOU as their retirement plan. I'm an only with a surly single Mom. I've had to make it blatantly and abundantly clear that the trigger for her to go into AL is when she is no longer safe in her home OR I'm overwhelmed. I've videoed her agreeing to this. My hubs and I have 2 other LOs we are PoA for, besides her.

Your parents may be shocked, angry, depressed, all the above at the suggestion of a facility. Your job is to remain cool like Spock and just give them the cold, hard facts. It doesn't mean you don't love them. But if they think they can add their care burden to your already big one, then what does that say about their love for you? Do they *want* you to burn out and then not be able to care for your own family, not to mention they themselves? This is the hard truth they need to come to grips with if they are reasonable people. FYI I often wield guilt like a sword, when appropriate, because sometimes putting things in perspective like this is the only way to get people to think through what they are asking.

Stay strong. They will get over the shock of having their expectation turned into a disappointment -- but it will only be temporary. Your own spouse and kids come first, no matter what. Defend that boundary like a lioness. Again, it doesn't mean you don't love your parents. They had their entire lives to ponder and plan reasonably for their elder years, even facing unforeseen problems like PD and liver disease. Aging throws a lot of crap at a lot of elders. Few are spared. Don't feel guilty. Your situation is stressful and grief-invoking. But do not feel guilty about not being able to provide their hands-on daily care. It is what it is.

I wish you clarity, courage, wisdom and peace in your heart as you have the necessary conversations with your parents.

Mary, I read your other post from a year ago. At that time you said you did a weekly visit to them? What did you do during those weekly visits, and how often are you visiting them now and what do you do for them? (And how far away do they live?)

You canNOT become their caregiver. Even though you are young (30's), the stress of caregiving for your own family AND your parents will affect your health.

Your responsibility is to your own family.

I would say that the "eventually" as in "eventually one or both may need assisted living" is NOW.

Do you know the financial situation of your parents? Are you their POA/HCPOA?

I am sorry to hear this, however, with 3 children you will not be able to handle this, there is no way.

My suggestion would be to place both of them. Where my mother and step-mother are, the doctor comes in weekly, for other appointments they are taken back & forth at a nominal charge,

There will someone with them 24/7, do something before it becomes an emergency situation.

Sending support your way.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. My mom had Parkinson’s disease too. It’s tough to see our parents declining.

You have your hands full. You may want to consider placing your parents in a facility.

Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.

I'm sorry that such illness is now part of your lives.

A needs assessment or appointment with a social worker may uncover your folks needs, their wishes & start the ball rolling towards a care plan. Care services to their home may be possible & enough now or for a time. If not enough, assisted living may be needed sooner rather than later.