Follow
Share

72 year old here with a 95 year old father who has been in assisted living for last 7 years. Was sent to hospital with complaint of lower back pain which turned out to be a compression fracture. He is now to the point that he can't feed himself or go to the bathroom. He has a device for urine and they bring a potty chair to his bedside for bowel movements, then someone has to clean him up. He is completely helpless, yet he still has his mind. They are sending him to rehab today. It's so hard to see him in this condition. I've been with him daily for over two weeks, trying to keep him as comfortable as possible but I am completely exhausted and haven't had any real sleep in days. Nursing home is next and he will hate it. I'm already feeling the stress of knowing his disapproval is coming but I don't have what is needed to bring him home with me.

Find Care & Housing
You know you can't do this at 72, especially with no medical experience. Your Dad has had a long life, and we all do not live forever.

Of course he will hate it. He cannot expect you to be his free caregiver. It's not your fault he got old and sick. Of course it's heartbreaking to watch, especially if you care.
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to Dawn88
Report

Remember that his disapproval isn’t about you. It’s about his situation. No one wants to move to a SNF or Ltc from assisted living. The
Helpful Answer (4)
Reply to PeggySue2020
Report

It can go on longer than you might imagine. I cared for my mom at home far longer than I should have because I figured we must be nearing the end, but she lingered on another 18 months in the nursing home after I finally conceded I couldn't do it any more.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to cwillie
Report

I'm glad you have realized your limitations. Take some time to recharge once he goes to his new facility. It may take a month or more to rest up. Let go of caring about his disapproval. You are doing what is best, not what he wants and that's part of making adult decisions. Limit visits to what is good for you, not just what you feel you have to do to reduce guilt. You might want to start thinking about what you want to decorate his new room with. I bought door decorations for my mom. She said others at her facility also love them and it's something positive to focus on.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to JustAnon
Report

If he's being treated for his pain and others are cleaning him up and taking care of his needs, then why are you there every day? You're not going to do that if he goes into an NH, are you? You can't... you already see it is unsustainable.

When he transitions into the NH you can mitigate his "disapproval" by telling him a therapeutic fib: it is temporary until his doctor approves him to return when he can demonstrate some of his ADLs.

You are too old to be worried about your parent's unreasonable disapproval. You do what is best for the both of you. Caregiving happens on the caregiver's terms.
Helpful Answer (9)
Reply to Geaton777
Report

Your father is exactly where he needs to be now, and if a nursing home is next that too will be exactly where he needs to be.
And you need to go home and get some sleep, as you're not doing yourself or your father any good by running on empty, as you're no spring chicken here either. And I know that your father wouldn't want you killing yourself because of him.
He's in good hands now, and he's either going to make it through this ordeal or he's not, but please don't allow yourself to go down with him, as you matter too in this equation.
Helpful Answer (10)
Reply to funkygrandma59
Report
anikaa Apr 25, 2026
Thank you. It helps to know somebody understands.
(3)
Report
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter