How long does it take for life to return to “normal?”

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How long does it take for life to return to “normal?”

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I am so sorry for your loss. And while many people may think that it is some sort of "release" for both you and your Mom, that is not the case. Or not ALL of the case. You were invested in her care, heart and soul and body and mind for all this time. If you ever had an ill kitten in a litter or an ill pup you will know that it often ends as your favorite because of everything you invested in pulling it through. Your mind simply doesn't know how to lease its full time job. Be easy on yourself and know that all you are feeling is normal. I had a friend who cared for her Mom in home through the most dreadful years long dementia, and when the Mom died she was at very loose ends for at least a year. Eventually she found a few hobbies. Would join more things in her church, go to bingo, go on the bus when it did a Casino once a month, found some hobbies. These things helped her rejoin life and go on. If you think it might help often Licensed Social Workers or psychologists who specialize in these life transitions can help guide you a bit on a path. Just know that what you are feeling is absolutely normal at this time, and be very easy on yourself, very good on yourself. Find something to divert your mind from the path it follows by memory like the mill horse pulling the grinding wheel in a circle. Whether a book, a library visit, a true crime podcast that is a serial format or something else, try to give yourself a few hours of diversion and relief. Some swear by putting together a puzzle or playing solitaire. Wishing you good luck.

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Dear Mapotter, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad this past February. I was his main caregiver and am his executor, and my siblings live out of state. When he passed I asked that they not disturb the apartment until I had a chance to say goodbye. I sat in his apartment every day for a week and was ready but not quite. I finally realized I was afraid I would forget what it looked like and our time together. So I took a lot of pictures and that helped. It didn't feel as much like I was "erasing" him. Taking the pictures helped and I was then ready to start cleaning out the apartment. But I went slowly and only did a little bit every day as I was still saying goodbye. So take your time. You will know when you are ready for the next step. I finally closed his apartment the end of March and on April 7 my 95 year old uncle who lives out of state, and for whom I am executor died. So it was off to Chicago to do it all over again. Luckily I have a very supportive husband and family but I know how overwhelming it is. I did the work, even though I have some physical disability as my siblings had other family members they had to take care of. I hired people to do the heavy work. You can use a site called Task Rabbit if you don't know who to go to. I am having an attorney do a lot of the estate stuff for my uncle. If the estate and/or you can afford it, I recommend delegating whenever possible. I even hired a maid service to clean my house for that time so I would not be stressing myself out. We will have my Dad's Celebration of Life the end of this month, when all of us can get together. I had my uncle's celebration of life when I went to Chicago right after he died. There are still loose ends to clean up for both of their lives but I have decided it will not dominate my life. I spend a couple hours a week on each. I try to find joy in each day. I do look forward to when all the administrative stuff will end and have noticed that as time goes on I devote more and more time to it - so it will get easier for you. Take it one step and one day at a time and you will be able to do it. Stay in the present and out of the future for now. Take care. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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You don't. You just keep moving forward and doing the best you can with what you've got. I'd say talk to a grief counselor and take it from there. Very sorry for your loss. Hugs.

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I repeated myself.

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I'm sorry for your loss. You are being way too hard on yourself!!!!! Breathe, move at the pace you feel like moving. After the death of anyone, returning to normal is not possible. Like one book I read about grieving says, you have to develop a new normal. Take one day at a time realizing that this first year will be the hardest on holidays and her birthday or any other special day that you two celebrated together. I wish you the best, but get some rest and do something nice for you today. You deserve it!

Since this is depression from a situation, it may benefit you to get a depression medicine from your primary care doctor so that you have more energy to function. Do the people at the cremation service provide a chapel for a memorial service and maybe have a pastor they can call on in situations like yours if you don't have a pastor or priest? Or are the cremation service people connected with a funeral home that can help you. I gather that you are the exectress of the will? Get the memorial service behind you first before working on it. Executing a Will can take up to a year or more depending on how complicated things are in her estate. Otherwise, if her estate was like my mom's, it only took a few days.

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Thank you. I am not the executor of the Will. My oldest brother is. All of my siblings met with the lawyer yesterday and that went well. There is nothing we have to do for 9 months. So, that is good.

I tried to pass the memorial service and luncheon on to my siblings, but feel I am being sucked into it (for back of a better way to put it...)... I probably should have just done it myself. I am not a control freak. It's just when you ask for an opinion from my siblings, they just nod. It's frustrating. It might be good to be able to go to someone and say, "This is what we want," and have it done, much like a wedding planner does. I can imagine that would be expensive, though... I think I could do it myself, I am just trying not to do it....

We used a cremation service rather than going through a funeral home because I feel the funeral homes rip people off at their most vulnerable time. In my State, $10,000 is the average cost. Mom wouldn't want that. So, I/we are trying to keep it simple. I just need to find out how many people may be coming from out-of-town....

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It will take time. Everyone who has been a caregiver has their own grief which can take months to years. There is no set time limit. Have you churches in the area which have grief counseling services? I have attended two services with my sister at her church. Each time it was a six week course . I also sought out a reputable psychologist who helped me work through my issues and the aim was to become able to take care of myself and heal. The loss will always be with you, but the ability to remember the good memories will be with you also. Remember she is in a better place. People will give you standard slogans which do not help. But they simply do not realize all they need to do is be there to listen and not try to fix things. Talking about her helps and is part of the healing process and does not mean you have not recovered. I lost my eldest sister last December. She had just turned 70, but had skin cancer which could not be treated due to her kidney transplant. The loss leaves a hole in my life, but I am glad she is out of pain. I am currently working on remember ing the good times and that is taking time. I hope this helps you. God bless you.

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I would just say do whatever feels right. Give yourself time. Don't worry. It will get better, and there is no set timeline. When each of my parents passed (one in 2017 and the other in 2018) I, too, felt overwhelmed. I found one thing surprisingly helpful. The Catholic church who provided dad's funeral service and the hospice organization who provided care to mom each offered a special memorial group service for those they cared for. Dad's was the Saturday service after All Soul's Day and Mom's was about that same time of the year. These services were thoughtfully planned by church/hospice for about 35 deceased. For once, I had nothing to worry about with the planning and other details (unlike their funerals). Although I am not a religious person, I found these services so moving. I was actually able to grieve. I had no idea how important it would be to go. I hope that you can find a way to gain this benefit. It helped me so much. In the meantime, give yourself space and plan an occasional afternoon or day off.

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You are exhausted for one. Caring for a loved one takes alot of energy and it sometimes isn't until the caregiving is done that we realize just how exhausted we have become. Also you are grieving which is overwhelming and hard work. It is now time to focus on you. Get rest and don't worry about all of the things you think you need to do now. They will get done and there is no rush. If there are things others can do instead of you, let them. Sometimes people just assume we will take care of things because we always have. Let them know you need help.

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Speaking from experience, a full year as far as the financial business and loose ends due to Probate, etc. I dealt with all of this for 6 years as far as care for my parents. Dad passed in 2016 and Mom passed just this past December. So, I am still doing the last loose ends and the leg work. I also just had their home appraised and I broke down and cried looking at all of their life's material things that I knew and remembered so well. My sister is a stroke victim and wheelchair bound so I had to do it all myself. It won’t be over until December. I am totally burned out now and can barely do what I am required to do and I am 66 years old with arthritis. But, my parents trusted me to handle everything and I am just going through the motions. Hardly had time to grieve. YES, I sure did go through depression when Dad passed and there I was dealing with the nursing facility with my Mom. She was a dementia patient who could not walk due to rheumatoid arthritis and lost her eyesight on top of everything else so she needed 24/7 care but I had to run back and forth checking behind that facility that she was receiving proper care and still handling her finances and keeping records. I will tell you this.... I did not touch anything in their home after Dad was taken to the hospital and he passed. I felt as if they were both alive but just not home if everything stayed exactly like it was. I know that sounds crazy but it helped me cope but I don’t suggest that for everybody. We just started cleaning out their house and it is dawning on me that they are really gone. I am just taking it day to day and making myself do my own errands and housework and getting some things done at my own home that I put off. It helps. Winter is worse for me with the depression. I am going to come up with something to do such as a hobby to get me through this coming winter. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you health and happiness. It is not easy losing parents.

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Thank you. What a story. I feel for you. I can also relate to what you are feeling. My sister is in a wheelchair also (disabled with MS). So, she could not help me with Mom.

I am trying to get my siblings to handle the memorial service and luncheon afterwards, but somehow I think I should have just done it myself.... I am being sucked in anyway. Like today, my sil texted me and told me that their priest friend can do the service on the date we selected. She told me to call my sister and have her call the church to see if the chapel was available. Why couldn't she have called my sister, or better yet, tell my brother (her husband!) to call my sister??? It is hard dealing with 5 siblings, trying to coordinate, get everyone's input.

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I feel that my future after caregiving is a "new normal", cuz we are forever changed by experience with sacrifice & loss...(which is ok BTW). Maybe its comparable to other life transitions, like children leaving home, or divorce... For me, I think the empty spot will remain until I make new friends or get a job, (just SOMETHINg new). Those who have grandchildren are SO very lucky, cuz that newness of life & their energy is contagious:) I may seek a job with children to help me enjoy life again. Good luck on your journey🙋

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I felt I had to change my life after my husband's untimely death or I would go crazy. I couldn't stand to live in the house we built any longer. So I moved away and bought a farm, something I always wanted. I don't regret it. I did wait about a year to sell the house , but some people might not have that luxury.

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Good question,It's been 1 1/2 years for me after watching this poor woman decline for 10 years. She was only 62 y/o,diabetic , dialysis 3x a week,had multiple surgeries(all joints). The guilt I'm dealing with is putting her in an "upscale we thought" nursing home for therapy for her broken shoulder. They didn't feed her right for a renal/diabetic diet,took 20 minutes or more to answer her call lite....the list just goes on and on until she rammed her power chair into the bathroom sink resulting a fracture so bad we needed a trauma surgeon so she would not lose her leg, By then she was forgetting to turn off her chair at the sink. She got sick to her stomach before she died and headed to her room to lie down and her call lite went unanswered for at least 20 minutes. I realize the aides were busy during dinner time but when someone misses a dialysis appt and starts to get sick,anyway she coded and it was over. Maybe it was for the best for her. She would always say how she hated her life and I couldn't agree more. So the sadness is still there for me. Thanks for listening.

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It breaks my heart to hear your story. Mom was at home, which I am thankful for. The only real problem was that my brother (who lives with her) refused to give her any meds,. I didn't get to her house first thing Monday morning. My sil went instead. She texted me and said that Mom was in distress (and, it appears, she had been that way for 5 hours! without a call from my brother.). My brother was sitting next to her, patting her hand, as if everything was going to be okay. He was told time and again what to do in the situation Mom was now in -- give her morphine.). I had my sil do that, and my brother questioned it because he said "she was not in pain." My sil said, "She's in distress!" I didn't really know how bad it was until I got there. The hospice nurse came and said at that time (after a few doses of morphine), her respiration rate was 44. My sil said it was much higher than that earlier. A few more doses of morphine, and it was still at 31. I never got it down to 20 so that she would be more comfortable. She passed about an hour-and-a-half later. My only saving grace is that the nurse said that Mom was comatose, could hear, but didn't know what was going on. It still haunts me, though.

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For me is more than 2 years and I still no the same.

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"Angustia", yo entiendo, I understand. As they say in English, one day at a time. Tome cuidado, take care of yourself. Esta experiencia está diferente para cada persona, y cada corazón.
This experience is different for each of us. Dios te bendiga!

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I think you have to allow yourself time to grieve, my friend. Time to make all the final arrangements that are required, to tie up the loose ends, and to then CREATE your new normal. There is a void after the death of the final parent, and a feeling of "what do I do now?" as with any major life event. I expect to feel this VERY way after my mom passes, dad passed in 16, and I had mom's issues to keep me occupied. Once she's gone, I'll be feeling the loss of both of them, as if my life's purpose is gone. Once both parents pass on, there's no cushion left......we're now next in line to die, that is how it feels. So it's extra important to set about carving out a new path for ourselves in life, perhaps adding volunteer work into the plan. Once the personal reward of doing for others is gone, it should be replaced asap, in my opinion.

Try not to rush yourself thru the grief process, or to force yourself to feel or act "normal". The death process has to be THE hardest, most traumatic thing in life to witness and to help a loved one thru, so we need lots of time and compassion for ourselves to heal. Wishing you the very best on this leg of your journey.

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Feel for you Mapotter. Lost Dad January 12th this year and just lost Mom June 13th this year as well. I considered it an honor that my father choose me to be his POA and estate representative in handling the end of life loose ends. Fortunately he had sold off most of his property but it was still major work. Like you said cleaning out the apartment, moving mom from Assisted to Skilled nursing, and getting compliance or help from siblings all wears on you. With my father I was busy making arrangements and contacting companies and sending off Death Certificates morning til night. Thankfully we did not rush the services and had him cremated and waited a month before holding a memorial service. My sister took on a lion share of this ( organizing a video of pictures, designing a card and memorial booklet, etc). Remember- You were chosen from your siblings because you are the strong one!! You can do it.
Grieving takes a long time. I was with my Dad and those last few hours entered my dreams for months as I second guessed myself and every move made or thing said, or not said. I was 5 time zones away when Mom passed away quietly in her sleep so my feelings are different. Although I am spacey and forgetful (left my purse at a restaurant the other night) and clumsy ( tripped on a speed bump in a parking lot last week) and have a difficult time focusing or following ( or making) conversation, I know these moments will end. My new focus will be on learning to be the best elder I can be.

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There is no time limit on grief. You must take as long as you want. For me, when I would be in church the singing of hymns made me cry, but I didn't care if parishioners looked at me strangely as everyone eventually has lost loved ones. Praying for you.

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I am very sorry for your loss.
I hope you do not mind sharing similar experience.
I took care of my mom for 2 1/2 yrs for 24/7 by myself, and 2 1/2 yrs at assistant living as primary caregiver/emergencies, etc.
My two younger brothers always had an excuse for no helping .
My mom passed at 93 1/2......Then my brothers showed up and demanded the share that they felt it was owed to them.
I felt at peace after she passed. I did everything I could do for keeping my mom comfortable till the end. This lasted a couple of months, and after that I fell into the major depression of my life that lasted several months.
I feel better now, but on and off I go into depression....Now I take one day at the time.
I found out that it takes time and lots of patience with yourself first, and then everyone else
Every one of us are different facing challenging situations.
best of luck.

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When my friend, Beth, who had frontal temporal dementia and was declining rapidly, was nearing death, I bought a burial plot for her and her husband, started the arrangement with the funeral home, picked out a coffin, etc. She and her husband were in a memory care apartment I had found for them as their POA. They had no children or nearby relatives, so I made all the decisions. In our faith, cremation is not allowed, nor embalming, so burial is usually within two days. She passed on a Monday, was buried on Wednesday, and we had a memorial service on Saturday so the teachers she had worked with could come and not miss school. Then it was getting to those details. It helps to get several originals of the death certificate to use when notifying credit card companies or other financial institutions if those are some of the things you will deal with.
I gave myself a large window of time to clean out their condo and get it ready to sell. That took 2 1/2 years, but it helped not to have the pressure of needing to get it done right away for some reason. I still had to pay the association monthly fees, but there was adequate money to do that, which eased the pressure. The realtor who helped me sell the condo and gave me advice on how to get it ready and how much to ask for had worked at the memory care facility I had found for my friends and we had become friends over the time it took me to get Beth and her husband to move in. He left shortly after my friends moved in and then got his real estate license just in time to help me with selling their place. Things fell into place so neatly that I am still in awe. The first day of the showing, the second couple bought it for my asking price.
Everything of Beth's belonged also to her husband, and I was the executor of their estate, too, so that simplified things. My advice is to give yourself a wide latitude of time for those lose ends to get tied up, but be business-like in closing credit card accounts if they still exist. With my friend's husband still alive, I keep their bank account open and use it to pay the memory care bills where he still lives now 4 years after her passing. Any money coming in goes directly to that account. Any money going out is by check in relation to a bill. I don't have to account to anyone yet, but I am behaving as though I do. I make sure none of their money comes to me. I hope some of what I am doing will apply to your case and simplify matters. Apparently, you will get no other help from family. I had no other family to turn to. More responsibility for me, but no arguments either.

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I was my Mom's 24/7 caregiver for 4 1/2 years. She passed away in January at 92 1/2. I took care of her daily for 17 years prior to caregiving. My life has never been normal. All I did most of my life is work and take care of Mom. Then I went straight into full-time caregiving with no help. Since her passing I have been settling her affairs both within and outside her estate. I am also stuck with 2 houses. My house that I left behind to be Mom's caregiver was neglected for the years she needed my time. Now I have to get work done on the house and get it on the market so I can stop paying bills on 2 houses. I am also trying to get her things cleaned out of the house. She was somewhat of a hoarder and packrat. I have been cleaning up things for 4 years in my spare time to make the house more livable. There is still tons of stuff that I have to deal with. There is also stuff left behind by her long-time companion who died 23 years ago. I want to get things cleaned up because I want to move to another place. I feel like I have mountains to climb before I will feel like I am living normal. Right now I can't see that it will ever happen.

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John, I think you are remarkable dealing with so many things. Can you contract for some help? You deserve a life too.

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I have been reading this thread.,my mom passed June 4th.
You know, so,many of us have had a whirlwind. Getting care. Selling properties to,pay for care. Dementia behaviors. Putting on psych meds to deal with same. Feeling like an ass for doing.

I am still sorting out my feelings here on a multitude of issues. And frankly you have caregiver PTSD. Whether at home with you, or in a facility.the feelings don't change.

All of us going through this, gosh. Wish i had some magic words. I don't.but I am right there with you.

Strength and peace to us all.

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You are right, Segoline. Went to my parents’ house today to check on how it is being cleaned out and getting ready to put it on the market. Every time I go, I want to cry seeing their possessions removed little by little. Still have the memories but it is still fresh. I had not thought of it as PTSD but I think you nailed it.

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I too am going through the same thing.

Just stop & breathe.....

Everything doesn’t have to be completed immediately. I have a notebook and am writing down who I have spoken with, date & time because I am truly a space cadet right now.

While I did not provide direct care to my brother. who passed June 8, he sure did leave me a huge mess to unravel as far as his ppwk & belongings.

After working to clean half his apartment ( he was a hoarder) I needed a break. We left his apartment and will return next week prior to move out date.

I feel like I am on autopilot. Last week I was robotic going through his stuff.

Broke out in tears, too, at the weirdest times, like at a Jersey diner last weekend.

To answer your question, it takes awhile. It’s too fresh now so don’t feel you have to decide or achieve anything except burial/cremation.

Be easy on yourself. Undoubtedly you are both physically and mentally exhausted.

Remember to hydrate well too especially if you don’t feel like eating.

I lost my appetite there for a bit but made up for it yesterday, lol.

One day at a time, my dear. It’ll all get done. Hopefully it won’t take too long to return to normalcy.

Normalcy....whatever that is. When you lose someone you don’t really ever let go of it, but with time you learn to adjust to life without that person.

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Agree, so hard to define normal now....& also hard not to become impatient with myself in the process.

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I lost my mom on June 2nd. It still doesn't seem real. I don't handle change very well but at least I know my brother isn't in any hurry to sell the house. I feel numb and haven't been able to cry. That might be because of the antidepressant I'm taking. At least I have a wonderful church family and they're there for me. Going to church and out with friends helps me.

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Antidepressants will do that to you.

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Sorry for your loss. It took me about 2 months before I started to get my full life back. As you mentioned, immediately after there are a lot of details to manage but slowly they start to diminish.
When my Mom died, I walked out of the hospice kind of numb. I drove home and slept for hours. That was the start of the next chapter. Let yourself rest and take care of the details on your timeline. It does get better.

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I have a suggestion based on personal experience. No matter how much or how little time you have, in the first days make yourself, no excuses, do everything in your power to remove things no longer wanted or needed - out of your sight. Put everything into a manner that it will make you happy and feel a sense of relief and peace. Do NOT procrastinate - your depression will last forever. Don't do it. Don't expect help because the odds are you won't get it. Make things happen yourself - now. Get it over with as soon as you can. Once it is behind you you should start doing things that you love to do. It will help you overcome the depression and exhaustion. I know this - and it works.

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Yeah, I can see how your suggestions would be helpful; to avoid allowing clutter of items that hold us in negative energy. I appreciate that.

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I am overwhelmed by all the responses. I wish I could respond to each of you. Thank you all for your support.

I am doing okay. I did clean my house a little, and I ran errands today. I also went to Mom’s today for a little while. My brother was not there. I have heard others say that they feel a sense of calm when they are in their parents’ homes following them passing. I sat in Mom’s room, wanting to feel something, but I only felt an emptiness. Two days after my dad died (almost 40 years ago), I smelled his aftershave lotion. I wanted to feel Mom there today, but didn’t.... That made me feel sad.

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I'm glad you're doing ok.
All you need to do right now is take care of yourself. It's true, there is no rush to schedule a memorial service. It can be anytime in the next year, if you like.

Try to get some sleep and keep your usual schedule as best as you can, meaning eat some meals, do what needs to be done, and get some rest. That's it. You've been through a traumatic experience and you just need to recuperate.

And if you need to take a book or magazine to Starbucks (or wherever) and just zone out by yourself for a few hours, you have my blessing.

It will take some time. Try not to judge yourself or your family for how they grieve. Be gentle with yourself and accepting of others.

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Well I will tell you, some bosses need grief sensitivity training or something.,mine came to see me Thurs.,you have been awfully quiet.,yes.,I have many things to work through.

Then proceeds to,tell me he lost his mom 16 years ago and launches into a monologue about himself. I listened. When he stopped.,I said. I am going to be quiet for awhile. I have many things to sort out. And if you are not ok with that, it is your problem, not mine.

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I figured the first thing to do was get my parent taken care of and the funeral home was excellent at helping me work through the details. Both they and the lawyer had checklists for me on what to do following the death of a loved one. The lawyer told me to take my time. Hospice offered grief counseling - there are support groups all over the place that you can google or you can talk with church clergy. They will make time for you. I haven't taken advantage of grief counseling yet but I still might when I am ready. It's been 3-1/2 months since my parent passed and I am finally starting to get some of my energy back. Even though I have more time available to me, it seems to take me longer to get anything done than it used to when I was overwhelmed. And I'm a little forgetful/distracted. I don't particularly want to re-engage in social activities. Don't know what I want to do. Just addressing the highest priorities of the day and not asking too much from myself. I know there will be a new normal. I know the day will come when I know what to do with the next part of my life.

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I'm in that 'time warp' right now too. (Almost 3 weeks since my mother passed). I'm the only one she had left, & making her arrangements have helped me feel useful. If I'm not occupied I start to get agitated. Grief groups aren't the solution for me, but in a few more weeks everything will be wrapped up, (& I'm worried about facing the emptiness of that day). Stay in touch if you need a buddy✌.

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The waking up in panic at two in the morning because her alarm hasn't gone off and you haven't checked up on her gets better after a few weeks, I found.

Uneasiness about leaving the house without handing over to a caregiver first takes some months.

It's now been over three years, and I'm coming to the conclusion that I am just not the same person any more.

Each anniversary and holiday gets easier year by year. First birthday, Christmas, Mothering Sunday etc. are going to be tricky. Fortunately, you only have to pass these milestones one at a time - whereas I think you might possibly be trying to do them all at once.

You have had a week. Why do you have to "beat" anything? Don't you deserve time to grieve?

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Hi Countrymouse. I am starting to realize that I don’t have to take my cell phone everywhere I go — even into the bathroom....

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How long does it take for life to return to “normal?”

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