How long do most people grieve the death of a parent?

Grief is different for everyone. The loss of a parent evokes a range of emotions and reflects the bond one has with this parent. The father who raised me died in 2010; he was abusive not only to me but to my mother and brothers. I found out when I was 51 years old that he was not my biological father! This explained the abuse...my mother and he separated and divorced when they were 72! He died a few months later. My mother is disabled from a brain aneurysm when she was 54! He had been her caregiver. When they separated, I helped her to get a good therapist and attorney; and set her up in a senior apartment complex. It was the best days of her life! She ended up living with me for a few years. As her health declined, she ended up in Assisted Living, and now is in a nursing home. It has been a very challenging ten years for me!! I grieve multiple losses, but I also am relieved to know the truth. I subsequently found out the identity of my birth father on Ancestry.com, but that's another post...Suffice it to say, although I love my mother, it will be a relief when she passes. She does not have quality of life now; she is not in a good state. I grieve that she suffers so much emotionally. She is wheelchair bound; has dementia; mood swings; and it is very difficult for her and me. I am saddened that the end of her life is so miserable. I understand why elderly people commit suicide when life gets so hard.

Marcia I am sorry for you loss. When my father died in 1980 I thought I dont know what I'd do if my mother died. Kathylees answer is what Im afraid will happen to me becuse of this nacissis caustic relationship. Llama was right on with the singing. It has helped me in my worst moment to sing songs of praise that speak to my heart and my experience. The song touches me because of the truth in it and I know that truth will help me again. Jodiclock suggestion was on point too the journaling helps Im just so disorganized and scattered that I write in one book or another dreams to (sometimes come true) so I dont really have and order but writing helps just like experessing the pain thru this forum. Only here you get understanding and help from experienced well rounded sources. My heart is still with you as you go through this. It gets better with time.

There are no wrongs or rights. Compound this with an aligning parent it exacerbates the situation on an unconscious level.You will get to the otherside and it will be a new normal. Journaling helps - also allowing yourself to feel the way you do, and don't beat yourself up over it. Both of my parents have been deceased for over 30 years and there are still times I have grief outbursts. I'm now 55. Talking to people helps. Breath it in, feel it, accept it and breath out.

breathedeeply: Yes, thank you for trying to help with the OP's LO's death. Each and every person posting on this thread offers insight into what becomes depression over the death of a LO. Church hymn singing is what gets to me. The people in the next pew probably think "what is wrong with that woman?", e.g. when they see me crying. Thanks to everyone on this site we get through it, somehow, someway!

My condolences for the loss of your mother, as I'm sure you're aware everyone is different, my father died of a massive heart attack in 1988, and it took me close to
five years to function normally. I had to make a concerted effort on my job everyday not to break out crying. As a postal letter carrier that was not easy, and many of my patrons would meet me at their mailbox and see tears in my eyes. Some of them, I'm sure, wondered why I was crying. I did not get along well with my father, and I'm sure that factored into my protracted grief. Even now when something reminds me of him, I will have teary moments. I loved him dearly, I just felt he didn't love me back. My "fur babies", as I like to refer to them have always brought me comfort and solace. For me staying busy and having a goal helped immensely. As a divorced mother with three young sons, they kept me going. My prayers are with you, take care of yourself.

Marcia I never stopped greiving for my loved ones it just got a little easier. On fathers day and his birthday and decease date I often go deeper in grief. Grieving is on our behalf because we missed them. Sounds as though you are depressed and greiving. I will share my experience in hospital again to give you a perspective. I had almost died from pneumonia. I think they were waking me up from being sedated. When I opened my eyes and saw my son it broke my heart to see the dark circles ad pain and worry. I am sure that your mother would not want to see you in this duress. I truly believe that we are peace when we die. I wont get in to the spiritual aspect but I also believe they let us know some kind of way that theyre okay. I think if truly understand that your mother wouldnt want you unhappy and so full of sorrow it would help you out of this state. Also celebrate the life that is around you. The gift of a newborn and the beautiful start of life in marriage for your daughters. I dont know what role you had with your mother but if its like mine you may be in shock of not having concern your self with their well being. I just posted that Im heavy hearted becaue my son is relocating. I think in time your pain and loss will get bearable. But you have to work at it. We all greive differently. My good friend became a recluse for a long period after her grandson was shot and killed. She still hads hard time. I cant imagine what Id be like. Not having the element of abusiveness and or needinesss would probably through me into something deep relizing that now I'll never have what I never had. Given that your situation is not the same. The pain is similar and I think you have to realize tha your mother will be with you always in your memories. You and what she has instilled in you and you passed to your girls is what keep her alive. Hopefully this new member of the family will open your heart to happiness and hope. I feel for you and my heart is with you in your sorrow. Which is why I urge you to look at all the good things and memories and smile and smile and smile. She is in a goood place and with you in your heart so make her smile too!

I feel the same way about my Dad---we either fought like wildebeasts or were best friends: it drove my mother wild.We were a team of two.I can't dismantle his life either---his records,books,scads of clothes.I haven't changed anything and its been almost 6 months.I always knew it was going to be bad.It is.Bad.Please take care of yourself! ERIN

I'll never - ever - get over the expiration of my father. I'll just find ways of coping as I move through life. He expired in 2007 - I still refuse to go through his personal belongings. They are stored in a room that I rarely go into and the few times I've had to go in here and force myself to do so, I actually feel a heavy emptiness. It's weird. I realize someday I'll need to sift through his stuff but I'm not emotionally ready yet. He's my Dad. And he's gone. :-( No matter how old we get, we'll always miss the emotional safety net, the years of wisdom our parents/other elder role models provide for us if you're blessed to have a strong relationship with them. It's just hard...very hard. I'm now taking care of my slowly declining mother and I'm very close to her but for different reasons than my closeness with my father. A few of my friends I grew up with are trust-fund babies (I'm not one them!) and they treat they're parents like crap but will be flying around like vultures when their parents die so they can get the inheritance. I just can't relate to this type of behavior. I gladly give up some of my 40(1)K to have see and talk to my father now for just a little while so I can resolve unfinished business. But I can't give up all of my 40(1)K because I need to think about my retirement...LOL! :-)

As long as it takes and don't let anyone else give you a timetable.Antidepressants might help with the physical part of it---and as my late father always nagged me,exercise.I have stayed in my Dad's lakehouse immobilized,unable to pack up his life (the man has 4 closets,stuffed with enough clothes for 10 well-dressed men, but he always wore the same 2-3 pairs of pants and a couple of favorite shirts.I miss him so much...) and move home.It's like empty nest syndrome.I watch a lot of bad T.V.(I draw the line at aliens and Bigfoot) I'm happy for him,that he is free from the limitations that made him feel his life was a prison.But,he was my touchstone for nearly 59 years---that takes a major re-orientation.Take care of yourself and take as much time to heal as you need! I am pulling and praying for you.We care.

dear llamalover47~ my response was to the original poster who said she was struggling with, "...I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. ...I no longer want to spend time with friends. ...The thought of going somewhere, listening to music and dancing, things I used to enjoy, now just make me feel tired and depressed." she is asking for help dealing with this one year after losing her mother.

the many suggestions and all the outpouring of kindness on this string to the original poster are a profound, loving testament to the humanity of those on this forum. my response is offered with the same spirit.

i understand what your are saying about recently losing a LO. i couldn't take a shower or do basic self care for a solid 6 months after my dad passed. i've been there. we all process loses differently and on our own time frame, as we should. that said, twelve months after a death if i was reaching out from a state of deep depression to the point where all enjoyment of life was seemingly gone, i would hope that some concrete steps were presented to me to get me simply started on the healing process to climb out of the hole. understanding and commiserating is huge. really, really huge. i come here for it regularly. but sometimes when one is in the darkest of places, the simple act of getting out of one's head and taking a step, any step, of any size, in any direction is the enough to break the inertia and get unstuck enough so the healing and perspective work can begin. my suggestions are not meant to be a 'to do' list. perhaps my numbering them made it read that way? they were simply a sharing of my own brainstorm of ideas that i am trying / have tried in order to break myself out of that same dark scary space. my hope for the original poster, is that the more ideas shared with her from a 'long list' of 68 responses and counting, with all manner of thoughts, commiseration, compassion, and yes concrete suggestions, is that something may stick. it may be today, next week or years from now. but seeds are planted along the way. at least that's the way it works for me. my baby step, was considering writing a gratitude journal after reading countless times on this forum that it is wonderful way to process grief. my second baby step was trying it one day a few months after the loss of my dad. i discovered it personally it wasn't my thing and just felt like one more thing on my already very long to do list. my third baby step, was considering how for me gratitude fills me up best when i express it outwardly. fourth baby step, was seeing a card with a goat on it. fifth… letting it sit on my kitchen table for weeks until the words came. the sixth, was in the sending. this was a crucial baby step of self care for me was in feeling like i had appreciated someone and reached out to another human being. very hard to do when you are depressed, but essential for healing. baby steps… you could not be more correct.

i understand that my response is naturally not for everyone, but having been helped out of the depths of a year long depression myself by some creative and concrete suggestions made the difference between allowing myself the grace to grieve and grieve as hard as i needed, and not fall into the deep crevice of clinical depression. it can be a mighty fine line and one that in my experience is rarely a straight one. i appreciate your comments… we are all on the same path but often at different points in the journey to be sure. peace

Consider yourself fortunate that you had someone in your life who loved you dearly and whom you also loved. Every good parent is a true gift to a child and tht is why they are never forgotten. However, life itself is a precious gift and quite short in comparison to the span of time--so it's important to keep living and finding joy in daily events. Nature is a great healer--try to get out into nature when you can--the ocean, a park, hiking. It might help.

breathedeeply: I know that you are trying to help; I really do. However, a person who has, say recently lost a LO is not going to be able to get their head wrapped around your long list. They're lucky to be able to get up and start their day. Baby steps...

Let the grieving take it's course. In my opinion you have some depression. Depression steals your joy and interest in doing things you used to enjoy..my best suggestion is to take a few steps to do the things you did before, allow yourself to enjoy as much as possible, one step at a time..tell your grieving brain that to be happy is ok. You deserve joy and sorrow, just go at your pace...

hi marcia. yes, i feel you. i completely do. dad passed in 2009 and mom is very compromised and now lives in a board and care. i took care of them both. i am now emptying my parent's home and boy did this put me into a deep, deep tail spin of depression these last several months. touching my dad's belongings especially hard. actually her's as well. how can somethings/someones who have always been there, just not be there anymore. intellectually, not hard to understand. on every other level, incomprehensible.

a few things i'm pushing myself to try are these:

1) i created a sort of living gratitude journal. writing in one is wonderful for many, but i found instead of writing to myself i push my gratitude out into the world. i.e. today i sent a bon voyage card with a goat on it to a neighbor (who's house just went up for sale) with a herd of metal yard art goats on their front yard. they would decorate them ridiculously for holidays, and arrange them hilariously at random other times. it gave moments of unexpected laughter as i drove past with mom to many doctor appts, dad's funeral... i told them i was grateful for their humor and let them know how giving a gesture it is/was to someone invisible like me who they never met. and though i will miss them, that i'm happy for the goats new neighbors. the lesson i'm taking is that i can start my own version of a silly goat herd and make someone day better. the fact that it will be a mystery is even better.

2) Book. Short easy read. "Passed and Present: Keeping Memories of Loved Ones Alive" by Allison Gilbert. unusual, creative and concrete ideas on small acts and ways reuse belongings etc to incorporate your loved one into your daily life. we american's just turn the faucet off after the funeral. other cultures do this as a way of life and i am tuning into the wisdom of that, in my own american girl style. i.e.; i turned some beloved items i had no room for but could not bear to part with into christmas ornaments. once a year, i put them on our tree and they make me happy. i wear my dad's shirts, hats when/where i feel like it. sometime it's funny strange, but i don't care and it makes me feel close to him. i drew and wrote huge messages to my parents thanking them and pouring out my soul on the walls of their house in sidewalk chalk before the painters came. follow your heart. no apologies for being unconventional. i cried buckets doing this act. i was alone, it was late at night and well, just felt primal in a way. when i saw it all in the light of the next day, i felt i had been cleansed somehow.

3) i don't have kids but when i'm with my preteen nieces i always share something of my parents (and my grandparents). i.e. when eating sushi i tell them stories about their grandfather's time in japan when he was only 22 in the navy. we order food he liked. i taught them to say 'ikimasho' (means 'let's go') something my dad said my entire life when herding us kids anyplace. now its just part of my nieces vernacular. it fills me up when i hear it… i feel my dad's presence, past, present and future. so much love there. (they also got a shot at decorating the walls of my parent's house in chalk. when the house is gone, we will do it on my driveway or do it in the sand at the beach etc. point is, physically and actively remember them. get out of your head and put your emotion into your hands, dirt, sand, paint, voice…)

4) Another book. Short easy read. 'The Orphaned Adult: Understanding And Coping With Grief And Change After The Death Of Our Parents', by Alexander Levy. wish i had read this even before my dad passed. simple book that really helped me start to square up sibling issues, family roles etc.

5) Grief counselor or group. I've done both and although it cost some, i gave up other things to do it. i'd cut the tv cable and subsist on top ramen for while to save money for this. being listened to and validated by someone who is not my family or friend has been crucial. sharing your humanity and vulnerabilities with strangers isn't so strange at all. in fact it has ofter been more profound than with people who know and love me. we are all flesh and bone… and heart. if you cannot afford it, ask for a sliding scale. i know my guy, gives a certain number of his ours free to folks without the funds. the local hospice bereavement group is free to anyone.

lastly, i had to let go of the notion that i needed to get over anything. or that i need to feel happy. the important this is to FEEL. obviously you may need to fake it to make for new babies and weddings… etc. you can and should do that if you are able. but internally, do not beat yourself up for not feeling happy inside when others are celebrating. give yourself as much grace and love as you anyone of us here on this site. you like me, are flesh & bone… and heart. peace.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have been given some wonderful answers. There is no time table for grief. I lost my dad 20 years ago and there are times that even now that my heart aches. I dread the day my mom follows as we are very close (I am her caregiver). The best thing I did after my father passed was to see a grief counselor. I also let my doctor know what was happening. A mild antidepressant and talk therapy helped me move on and begin to enjoy life again. But it took time. I agree with the statement "Take the body and the mind will follow." You took an important step posting your question here. Keep moving forward and have faith that the pain does lessen. Sending prayers your way.

hugs...I know this won't help but try to remember that every generation loses their parents. Your parents lost theirs too. Imagine if your mother "gave up" and curled up not wanting to engage in life after she lost her mom. Imagine if she had ignored the birth of her grandchildren or a child's wedding. Now, you have to imagine that life goes on, through you, your children and your grandchildren. You are blessed! However, if you cannot get out of this dark hole, perhaps something more is going on, like depression and you may need medication and maybe counseling too to get out of it. There is no shame in that. Get yourself evaluated...and then enjoy your new grandchild and the wedding. Your mom will be there in spirit. We all one day will experience this loss...including your own children when their parents one day pass on. This is the circle of life.

I'm so sorry for your loss. For me, whenever my body gets stressed or goes through trauma (which I have been through a lot....my in-laws caregiving, my sisters passing, now my mom in end stage dementia and my dad almost 94 with medical problems, my grown son living with us after divorce along with grand sons here 3 1/2 days a week) I compare it to battle and those with PTSD. I love and honor all veterans for what they have been through. Some veterans come back from war and handle it, others need help. I think that's the same way with caregivers. In my case, I have no one else. My husband helps when he can, and even my son has lunch every Friday with my dad on his lunch hour but when it comes to medical, financial, any kind of issue it's me. I'm not saying this for sympathy at all just the facts. I guess my point is that I haven't been the same since my dad had his heart attack and I moved in to take care of him since my mom couldn't. Thought it would be for a couple of weeks and ended up being 6 mos. until I put my foot down and we sold the house, put my mom in a facility due to not being able to handle her, my sister getting sick, moved my dad into an apt. where he would be with people and 3 meals a day and the list goes on and on. Everytime I got a night off when my sister COULD spend the night my husband would have planned something to do to get my mind off of everything which was very sweet. All I wanted to do was to get in the closet where no one would find me. He asked me to go to a business dinner with him which I knew he really wanted me to go so I did. I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin I wanted to leave so badly. It took me a long time to get back into the swing of things. 6 1/2 years later I'm still struggling a bit with a lot more trauma to come but to answer your question, How Long? Not sure it ever leaves you completely. It just takes time to come back. If someone in your family or even you think you need to talk to someone, I say do it. I have in the past and will do in the future if needed. Just don't put pressure on yourself or beat yourself up. You have suffered a loss. Heck, our dog has been gone for 10 years and I still miss him terribly and he wasn't someone that I loved dearly and watched take their last breath. Please take care and may God Bless you with comfort and the love for life again!

So sorry for your loss and thank you so much for your question. Great advice through out.
My Momma passed away April 19, 2015. She was only 75. I was VERY close to my Mom and still mourn her daily. Well meaning people tell me I am depressed and need to get some help. But I know I am okay. I went through a really rough few weeks in April. We celebrated her birthday on April 08, she went to Hospice on April 11, she passed on the 19 and Mother's Day was a couple weeks later. Once I got through that I have done better. There is a time for everything! I am now taking care of my MIL who has dimintia and can't be left alone. Hang in there ! It does get better and don't let anyone tell you how long to grieve. God Bless you !!!

So sorry for your loss. Everyone has a different way to handle loss and a different time frame. Remember the good times and smile. I think every once in a while "Oh I haven't talked to Mom this week, I have to call her ... ". She passed in 1996.

Marcia, condolences on the loss of your mothers. No doubt it is painful and there is no timetable because everyone is different, and the circumstances are different. Compounding your grief is the expectation that your father will soon follow your mother. There is an end in sight but it is not visible, and not knowing what will happen (and when) is stressful and making it hard for you to actually "move on" with your own life. I think the answer more to the point is how do you get over your depression and stress which is ongoing. A doctor would help with antidepressants or maybe talking to a therapist or minister. Writing your feelings on this forum will help also.
Freqflyer and I had similar circumstances with our mothers and we helped each other just being able to express feelings. Mom passed a few months ago, at 101. In the end she was in a NH, bedridden, in pain, suffering from dementia, deafness, fractures and needing to be fed and diapered. When she passed, it was a blessing, and none of us actively grieved because we had done that for 10 years. I miss the person she was. I often think about her, but as others have mentioned, I keep in my head the last few months and the last few years when she was so difficult despite my sister and I doing everything in our power to please her and make her happy. I am still recovering my health from the stress of it all (In two weeks I will be 70)
I am now moving on with my life, and as time goes by, although I am not actively grieving, there is the presence and thought of her, knowing she is in a better place.

My mother died October 20,2015. You are on a roller-coaster and will not "get over it" but you will find a little bit of comfort when its time. Your dad's condition is probably contributing to your pain and I can't image how you are coping. I'm still sad and joyless most of the time and don't have patience or confidence I had but I am slowly feeling stronger longer and more often. Try not to miss the family events you can go home later and cry but life for others is going on and they deserve you and you deserve to be happy again. Your mother would want that for you and. Strength and love to you.

I don't consider myself a religious person and I wish my Faith was stronger than it is, but its nice to believe that our loved ones are going to a better place. I have seen a mother who lost her college age son to juvenile diabetes. She was thankful that she had the time she did with him. My Mom is 88 with Dementia. She is not going to be with us much longer. She realizes there is something wrong and is ready to go. She was a good Mom and we were close but when her time comes I will let her go.

I will never get over the death of my mother and father, who died within 2 days of one another. With the exception of unfortunate folks who have dysfunctional families, parents tend to be the people who know us best, the people we are closest to, people who do not divorce us, and who are always there for us. For adults, the loss of parents is a very dramatic loss that is hardly ever discussed.

Dear Marciad5,

I'm sorry to hear of the passing of your mother. Lots of good advice in all of these responses. :-)

My father passed away 3+ years ago from complications with pneumonia and 10+ years of Parkinsons. My sister, who was the primary caregiver, went to her doctor and got on Prozac for a while to help. I probably should have done the same, I was depressed and just doing the bare necessities.

I let nutrition go, I let my physical well-being go and inside, I felt very little. I understand now that grief is a roller-coaster of a ride. There's no going back to normal but rather, finding a NEW normal. There will be days that it feels like 100 ft waves are crashing in and the next day you just have one foot in a small puddle.

My advice. Cry when you feel like crying, don't stuff your feelings down. Yes, sometimes you have to force yourself outside but its worth it to get those happy hormones a'flowin. There's nothing wrong with going to the doc and asking for a prescription to help. I actually ended up going into therapy and that was what I needed more than anything. Friends were great for pick me ups. My children (7 and 8) inspired me to find a healthier way of working through my grief.

You may find this article helpful for distracting your brain from grief: Advice for the Aging: Learn Something ‘Different and Hard’ http://ww2.kqed.org/forum/2016/06/08/advice-for-the-aging-learn-something-different-and-hard/

Marcia and friends I'm sorry for the loss of your loved ones. All the advice I've been reading is certainly a good way to go with your feelings. Trust me when I say all the pills and therapy might be useful, but in reality you still own the grief that neither will make go away. The age old adage that "time heals all wounds" holds true for some yet as I observed, many people have a difficult time with the loss of loved ones. I lost both dad first and mom 8 years later which brought sadness for awhile but as each year passed my grief diminished. Yes, I'll admit there are days when the urge to pick up the phone to call them as I used to do still becomes one of those "reality" moments that haunts me for awhile. I should admit, however, they lived in Florida and because I can't travel the impact is not as strong although I was there when my father died and the total experience remains as real as the day he died twelve years ago. To not ever see the person again who was an integral part of your life is a powerful concept to live with. I believe my coping stra

I'm sorry about your Mom....my mom died in January 2015. I think you need to grieve as long as YOU need to. My mom had been sick with Alz. for so long that for me, I was glad for her release from this most awful disease. I had been grieving her loss (to me) for many years before she died! She really hadn't known me for years. The end came one night when both my Dad and I were holding her hands...her breathing had been so harsh, my dad had fallen asleep holding her hand, clasped in both of his. I was awake and listening to her breathing....and then it stopped, and all I could think was that she was finally free from pain. I mourned her loss, but not like my dad. She had been the focus of his life for over 65 years, he missed her, the person she had been to him...I remembered her as she HAD been and was glad of her release from this most awful disease.

It took me two years to get passed the most profound depth of my grief for my father. But I wasn't his primary caregiver. I am for my mother, however. I plan on making use of bereavement support groups. CT Hospice has them and I suspect other placescdo, too.

I appreciate all of the encouragement by everyone. My dad is right now back in the hospital ER. We think he never recovered from his earlier fight with pneumonia plus he has some other issues. I already take antidepressants and have for years but might have to make a change. I'm so lucky to have a wonderful supportive husband as I'm an only child. My dad can't last much longer, his poor body is just worn out and weary. Once he passes I'll be able to grieve for both my parents and learn how to be happy again

Grief is a very individual process depending on one's attachment to the individual who passed. There is no time line. I lost my brother on January 27 after a battle with pancreatic cancer. Our mother is in a nursing home. It has been very difficult as I am my mother's POA. My brother and I were very close. I think of him every single day; I am sad that he is no longer present in my life. Memories are comforting, but I miss my brother every day. My stepfather...and youngest brother who passed...I do not grieve as intensely because they were difficult personalities, and my attachment to them was different. However, I do grieve. Grief, to me, is about processing the feelings of sadness and finding some meaning in the loss. A group or individual counseling may help. Hospice is wonderful. Peace...