How long has your LO been in AL or SNF? I’m tired.

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How long has your LO been in AL or SNF? I’m tired.

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I understand! I live an hour away from my mother who is in a nursing home and it's been pretty emotionally exhausting, not to mention the weekly trips, sometimes twice-weekly. Over the last 2 years, I have thought my 86 yo mother was going to pass three times. The elderly can no longer die once they're in institutional care. She's been rushed to the hospital three times for emergencies. My mother is on 6 meds to keep her alive. She can't walk anymore, so she sits in a wheelchair, but would prefer to lay in bed. She has dementia, but also is aware of her circumstance. It's very sad. I want to be done with the responsibility of overseeing everything -- I can't enjoy my life anymore -- I haven't had a weekend for me since January 2018. It never stops!! There are a lot of us who understand your circumstance. Best to you.

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You could be describing my mil, but my husband feels compelled to visit three times a week. We go nowhere and do nothing and previous to this, we went through three years of one parent after another declining and my husband has had to step in, alone, and take over everything (with my help). It's affected both of our health and I sometimes feel when it's finally over, we will feel too old to do any of the things we'd planned to do these past few years and in the future. Btw, after my mil's last hospital visit and her many meds, we decided to move to hospice care and there will no longer be any trips to the hospital. Why? She's never going to "get better". That said, she seems to be doing much better with this added level of care so take that as it is. Best to you too.

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Yes, FullCircle, I know what you mean. We get very stressed by their cycles of 'emergencies' & rebounding. My mother lived in ALF only 2.5yrs, but had many trips to the E.R. (I started to feel numb & disgusted with the whole situation.) Our lives lose joy along the way if we let our mind get overwhelmed with parent problems. Try to disconnect & get back in touch with your own joys. Glad you have your children to focus on & enjoy.

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You take care of yourself. You take care of your children. I had a narcissistic mother who told my family everyday that she was on death's doorstep. She lived long beyond what was predicted, until ninety. We were left exhausted, stressed and wondering why did we work so hard for someone putting on a show? Really, make yourself a priority and know that what you are doing for her is ENOUGH.

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My mother is narcissistic who tells me everyday she should just be dead. She is a drama queen, and manipulated, to the point where AL staff listen to her as she lies in drench breifs and doesn't want to get up, when she actually can. It's so draining, while I am taking care of her at AL. But for some reason, I never stop caring for her despite her personality disorder. Yes she has dementia
.

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Seven + years and a private pay resident in an AL facility. My mother is 94 and has no major physical health problems. She is bipolar and has manic episodes twice a year that last for six weeks. She does take meds which helps. I think the stress free environment combined with three meals a day and bring around other people have contributed to her longevity. There are several residents who have been there for ten years. Many residents die in a 1-3 year period but they have health issues. It seems that if a person doesn’t have cancer, COPD or major heart problems the length of time is much longer.

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My mother was actually seriously malnourished ie dying from malnourishment due to a combo of pancreatic insufficiency and not eating anything but cookies and chips for years. She was so weak she couldn’t stand. Now after treatment for the pancreas and ALF she walks better/faster than I do. I really think if it wasn’t for her now constant a fib she’d live to be 100, she’s 92 1/2 now . So 8 more years of H. E. Double hockey sticks for us

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Full Circle,

I think the answer is a lot longer than you think

the rule of thumb used to be no more than 4 years which by standards of many SNFs is hard to understand how anyone could last that long

my soon to be 96 year old mom has been in private pay memory care for 3 1/2 years and has been plagued by falls, UTIs, sepsis, a likely stroke, and immobility now for 2 years - while certainly in decline, she's somewhat stable otherwise - I do spend a tremendous amount of time and effort to be on top of her care and I suspect she would have passed long before now without my attention as many of her peers at her facility have

her meager long term care policy which only pays 60% of the benefit as memory care is considered AL and not SNF, was purchased for 4 years on recommendation that no one lasts that long in a facility -

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FullCircle, my Dad [95] was in Independent Living then in Assisted Living/Memory Care for a total of less than a year before he passed. Prior to that he had around the clock, 3 shifts of caregivers at home for a few months.

My Mom [98] went into long-term-care after a major fall and was there three months before she passed. Prior to that she lived at their home with my Dad. Yep, two major fall risks living in a large house with a lot of stairs. Accident waiting to happen which rattled my nerves for about 7 years.

It could be your Mom just loves living in Assisted Living. I know the place where my Dad lived was wonderful. Daily housekeeping, daily linen service, laundry service as needed, three meals a day in a menu style restaurant, etc. Where do I sign up?

Yes, even with a parent living in a senior facility we are still the caregiver. We are still their wheels whenever there is a doctor appointment, of which there are many. And running errands for this that and everything else. And getting phone calls from the facility that makes our heart race wondering what happened now???

You weren't being fooled by Mom. It was just a case where Mom is now around people of her own generation, sorta like a college dorm. Everyone likes the same music, etc. Moving to Assisted Living was just the right button for her :) Be glad, as there are many elderly parents who just hate being in Assisted Living and want to move in their grown children.

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Loving people through profound changes like elderhood IS draining. Has your mom ever been assessed for dementia/cognitive decline? It can change a lot of their personality and they don't realize it and can't help it. Personally, we realized my MIL's short-term memory was bad enough that she wasn't remembering to eat or didn't remember if she had eaten so we moved her to AL. She was in it less than a year before she had to go into LTC because she kept falling. In LTC she decided she didn't want to get out of bed no matter what, which was a shame since I worked so hard to get her into a reputable, close place that took Medicaid. You just need to adjust how you understand your mom. It will be helpful if you knew she had an official diagnosis of dementia. If the roles were reversed and you were in her situation, what would you hope that your daughter would do on your behalf, realistically? Start with a diagnosis and go from there. Also, you're not responsible for your mom's happiness, dementia or not. Blessings!

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A diagnosis isn't always that helpful. My grandmother had dementia at 92 and went into a long term care facility unit for memory care. She was probably the oldest person there. She was wheel-chair or bed-bound, and had stopped speaking. She lived another eight years to 100 like that. She was self pay for most of it, taken care of with the money in a trust that had been set up by my great grandfather to, at least, help my mom and her siblings later on. My mom made it clear to her four children that she never, ever, wanted to end up like that lying in a nursing home. Well she did for 7 months. It gave us all tremendous piece of mind to know she did not want to linger like that for years when she passed. That's what people can do for their children - now- let them know what you want if it comes to this point. It will at least relieve guilt.

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I don't know if we can go by Average for anything. Each person has differing health issues, differ in dementia causes and results, and even when we had my aunt figured out, her health and abilities would change again. She worked hard at staying with us and not in an AL or SNF. When she no longer could, and I was burnt out and sick, she spent 1 week in hospital, 4 weeks in a 'rehab', then 5 weeks in a Memory Care Home. She was finally accepting and happy, when she died of pneumonia. All of it is beyond our control or knowing. Keep resting, caring for self, and be there for your kids. Do what you can without compromising your own health ( I know, easy to say, but not do). I'm sorry you have to go through this. Keep sharing here.

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How long has your LO been in AL or SNF? I’m tired.

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