I have been married for 30 years. For the last 5 years my husband has been taking care of his parents who live close by. His mother passed away about 3 years ago. This time had been very stressful on our marriage due to the amount of time my husband spends with his parents. For 2 years we never went away. I was feeling neglected in our marriage. I was thinking things would change after my mother-in-laws passing. Now my husband's father is suffering dementia and other poor health issues. Although there has been live-in help at the house, often 2 caregivers at once, my husband still spends a lot of time at his father's house. He visits him DAILY staying for hours each visit. I wait for him to come home. I have dinner ready, we eat, watch tv and then bed. Go to work the next day and the same routine every weekday. He often works on the weekend and spends time with his father. In defiance I sparingly go and visit my father-in-law myself. There is also other family members around. His father is not short of visitors. When I have my own family events, my husband complains and often says alienating things to my family which is embarrassing. I think we are now starting year 6 of this eldercare odyessy. Believe me, my time is coming with my parents, as they are in their 80's and live close by. Who knows what their care is going to be. We are lucky that my father-in-law has the means for paid caregivers. I know we are luckier than most.
Because of my feelings of not being a priority in my husband's life our relationship is on a precipice. I have suggested counseling but he wants nothing to do with it. We are always angry at each other, and rarely do anything spontaneous. I'm feeling that his Dad gets the best of him and I get what is left over, which is a husband who is tired and stuck in a routine. In 30 years of marriage we've had disputes but the most recent was one that I'm not sure I can forgive. I've pretty much shutdown after this last fight and feel that nothing is going to change. He thinks I'm making too big of an issue about my feelings and thinks the status quo is fine. Is your marriage suppose to take 2nd place to eldercare? Am I being selfish and should just grin and bare these eldercare years? I'm tired of crying in the shower. Any advice.
Try therapy without him. He will most likely be asked to join in at some point by the therapist. Then it’s up to him to decide if he will. I hope that he does.
I have found speaking to an objective individual such as a therapist does help. You won’t know unless you give it a go.
Marriages absolutely take a hit with caregiving. It’s stressful.
It sounds as though your husband is irritable and unhappy.
How are you feeling about your marriage, overall?
If you are unhappy, seek therapy. For yourself. Don't make it about the eldercare issue. Make it about the marriage overall. Figure out what YOU need and what you want to do.
You may need to detach a bit while your husband works this through on his own.
The only actions you can control are your own.
What makes DH want to spend hours at his dad's house? For me, spending an hour at my mother's place in Memory Care is about all I can handle, truthfully. It just strikes me odd that he'd be SO interested in spending THAT much time with a demented elder. I work in a Memory Care community as a front desk receptionist; the average time a family member spends with a parent is about 1/2 an hour, sometimes less. Rarely more, but sometimes they are taken out for lunch. We do have a couple of gentlemen who come to visit their wives daily; one man comes TWICE a day, but that's his wife. Spending time with a dementia sufferer is stressful; there is very little to talk about and lots they'd like to argue about, etc.
Secondly, your parents are going to require attention soon, as you stated in your post. Then what? NOW is the time to start planning YOUR future and how you intend to live YOUR senior years. With or without your husband, who wants no part in strengthening your marriage through counseling. And what to do/how to handle your folks when their care crises crop up, which they will. Do they have the funds for Assisted Living?
In any event, I wish you the best of luck taking care of YOU.
Alternatively, just divorce him. Counseling at this point would be a waste of time, energy, and money.
I feel that he is taking advantage of you and has misplaced priorities, and I agree he will not change.
I cannot tell you what to do, however, if you are miserable it may be time to make a change, you can always move out and not divorce, or just divorce and go about the business of recovering your life...for you.
Sending support your way!