How many of us still take our parents out and about? Should she be out?

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How many of us still take our parents out and about? Should she be out?

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Quick background, mom is 80 years old with midstage Alzheimer's. She's able to do many things with direction and limited help on my part; bath, dress, eat. She's mobile and loves to be out. We go out to eat a couple of times a week and shopping almost every day, we may only pick up a loaf of bread but it gets her out of the house. Also, getting out helps keep my sanity!

A couple of months ago she started making noises and talking to herself. Lots of noises when eating at home, less when eating out. Because of this I've started giving a lot of thought to where we go, trying to go places when it's not busy so we/she doesn't bother anyone. She's not rude towards anyone or loud, the talking to herself are things like "oh my, geez".

It occurred to me yesterday that I've never noticed this kind of behavior in other seniors when I've been out. I'm wondering if I'm trying to hard to keep her in "normal" society?

At this point I'm trying to keep her engaged and happy knowing at any time things will change and she won't be able to go out.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Dementia Behaviors Family Caregiver

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Normal society is over rated.
I enjoy seeing seniors out with their daughters or caregivers. (or sons if ever I would see that.) Lunch is very busy at some places.

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Keep taking her as long as you can manage -
mom used to say she wasn't a house plant

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I say take her. As long as you can manage it. Sending you good thoughts and wishing you loads of patience. It takes a lot of patience. :)
As for onlookers-pffft-screw them. This is her normal right now. That's all that matters and as for society-Normal normal is overrated. I would rather sit next to you and your Mother in a restaurant with her mumbling or making some noises than next to a bunch loud obnoxious a**holes any day.

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Hear Hear!!! All in favor, raise a glass!!

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I think bringing your mom while she is still mobile out is the absolute BEST thing ever for both of you. People may stop and stare occasionally but I don't think mean any harm to anyone & most people are really kind especially in restaurants. My mom had dementia and multiple health problems for 6yrs and passed away just over a year ago and the most precious memories that comfort me and take me away from my grief are when we packed up the car and headed to shops, cafes, drives away from care needs and carers. No meds, pads, routines to torment her, we even had McDonalds in the car with mess everywhere ! It was a little bit of normality and stimulation, no one wants to be a patient 24 hrs a day,. It was fun and I would continue to go out and about as long as your Mom is getting pleasure from it . My Mom would be so sick for wks but once she got on her feet we d take off in the car if she was able. So best of luck and enjoy your days out

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I will absolutely agree with taking her out as long as you can. I would only add to take pictures of each outing. I failed to do that and I regret it.

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Good idea about the pictures! I have a few, mostly from when we have had birthday cake, etc with her (not so much for outings as she has outlive all her siblings, in-laws, most friends, so there are only we 3 kids, one is not local.)
But, whatever the occasion, having pix allows for some fond memories (and even reminders that Yes mom, we remembered your birthday, even when you insist you don't have any birthdays anymore - see here, we celebrated it with you! I make sure to get the age numbers showing too!)

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You should not worry about what others think. These are little tics that your mother has developed over time. Since no one person is perfect, except Jesus, our Lord and Saviour, you aren't to be concerned with it.

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No, you are not trying too hard and yes, you should not worry about what others say or think. I have found/interacted with more and more people who have had some experience with this, so more and more understand. For those who haven't, perhaps they need some exposure (especially those family members we read about in threads here who DON'T understand mom or pop's condition!!)

So long as you can manage it and she is enjoying it, KEEP DOING IT! Too many become reclusive. Dad did and then later mom started making excuses not to join the other ladies at the Senior Center hooplas, trying to cancel doctor appointments or refusing to go, etc. Back when she lived alone still and even now in MC she might light up if you mention going out somewhere to eat, even something like pizza or she might suggest it (really mom? you JUST ate!) Anything else? Nope, especially doctor/dentist appointments!

As far as odd behavior, noises, etc, do you ever go shopping when people bring their kids? The obnoxious ones who the parents don't watch over??? When my kids were a little older, maybe preteen, they would see these kids who were unsupervised behaving badly and ask if they were like that. My response was a resounding NO, and followed up with 'If you were like that, I wouldn't bring you along!'

We actually were eating at a fast food place once where a man (adult, not elderly, not dementia) kept making the most loud obnoxious noises, like trying to get something up and grossed my daughter out so much she refused to eat anymore! Perhaps he had a medical condition, perhaps he just had something stuck somewhere, but it was very loud and nasty! There was no way to block it out or ignore it. Otherwise, most of the time people are, as others noted, wrapped up in their own business or conversations and don't notice much going on around them. It isn't like your mom is loudly blurting out obscenities. You could choose times where there might be fewer people around, however less people = less background noise, so mom's mutterings might be even more noticeable. You can explain if you want to, but if they don't ask, I wouldn't bother.

I would just keep taking her out and enjoy the times you have left with her! It does, so the experts say, help keep the mind engaged and can defer the inevitable for a little while longer.

I wish we could take mom out more. It was hard enough before when she was using a walker, but after a few non-injury tumbles she started refusing to walk, has trouble even standing up and I cannot support her weight. Keep on taking mom places - you won't regret it! If it becomes too much in "busy" places (sometimes the noises, lights, people, etc can bring on some anxiety), stick to walking in the neighborhood or a nice park. If/when she has trouble walking, you can try using walkers, rollators or transport chair.

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You're doing a wonderful job of keeping your Mom engaged! I think we just have to take our cues from our loved ones and adjust as needed. We took my Mom everywhere with us until it became too difficult for her - it was like sensory overload or something. When she no longer enjoyed it, we found other activities that she liked - going for a drive to get an ice cream cone, or to look at a beautiful garden, etc.. Don't worry about other people - keep taking her out as long as y'all can!

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I used to take my 73 yo mom out all the time to the grocery store but unfortunately, it has become more difficult as the AD has advanced. My concern with her is having a natural affinity towards babies and children. She often goes right up to them and starts touching. I try to show a card discreetly that states she has dementia to parents but sometimes she is too quick. Now when Mom hears a baby or child crying, she will take off trying to find them. I have used distraction such as pushing the cart, engaging her in shopping and other techniques. If I have my husband or daughter with me, it is better but takes planning. No hurrying; we are on Alzheimer’s time! We do visit grandchildren, (have to watch her), go for car rides and she is going to adult/senior care. Being outside is good too. Kindness and patience to all.

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MsSouth: Your comment about your mother with AD made me think of my sister in law, who two years ago received the diagnosis of Alzheimer's. Recently at a 21 year old niece's wedding, I noticed that my sister in law interacted with her 2 year old grandson the BEST! She was able to communicate better with a 2 year old than an adult - she brought the wedding "blowing of bubbles" into the restaurant barn where food was being served.

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I take my mom out as often as I can. She still has good days, and I am willing to risk it with it. She isn't dead yet so why keep her "inside"? Would you want to be kept "inside"?

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I take mine out too, although she calls it me going with her. We get our frustrations out in the car and put on our 'we got this' face when in public. haha seems funny to write that out loud.

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Enjoy her and your outings while you can. My father, ALZ, 90 yrs. loves the car rides, but then once at the location has to stop and touch everything and darts off. We constantly have to stop, gently bring him back to the basket. The shopping basket, he has fun pushing so fast I have to hold onto the side so he doesn't run into anyone or thing. If we go out to eat, he has become so sloppy... I know it's all part of ALZ, but we just have to overlook things and just enjoy the time - even though sometimes it's hard - we know we shall miss them later.

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At least you seem to be able to GET your loved one to go out! My wife is her 88 y.o. mother's legal guardian. My mother in law, who lives with us, has MCI (early dementia), and her doctor says she should not live by herself, but does not require 24 hour care yet, either. When my wife and I go on trips, we hire a respite care service to check on her and stay with her for several hours in the evening. Some of these trips, particulary camping trips, my mother in law would not be able to handle: the camper has a step she would have difficulty navigating safely, and the camper (a 41 year old popup) does not have a bathroom. Plus, there is barely enough room for my two kids, my wife, and myself. HOWEVER, when we have gone on trips that my mother-in-law COULD handle, and we offer to take her, she finds excuses to nit go...THEN she calls everyone on her phone contacts list and complains that WE decided not to take her (which is not true at all). It' a no-win situation. We even have a hard time getting her to go to the store ir even to doctor appointments (and part of her dementia - or maybe just an unrelated personality disorder - is she complains of various ailments and aches and pains to US, and often uses them as an excuse to not leave the house, but does not report the same to her own doctor). She seems to like to spend most of her time hiding in her room, in fact, seldom coming out unless coaxed. Love to find a way to get her to come out of the house more often, since my wife and I both think it would be good for her.

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Do not worry what other people think. Enjoy her while you can. I took my mom out as long as I could until she became 100% bedridden. I even enjoyed taking her out when I could get her in the car and use a transport chair. I cannot even do that anymore and I miss taking her out.

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We took my mom out with us until just about a month before she passed. She was 94 and in the end stages of dementia. Often she seemed to enjoy the different scenery from being in the house all day. We went to restaurants a lot and to the zoo and beach, and sometimes even to casinos (which she enjoyed a lot before she became ill). In all cases we took our cue when to leave if she started to get uncomfortable or a bit agitated. We didn’t care if people looked at us or if she babbled or made noises as long as it didn’t get overly loud or disrupted others. It’s much like taking a toddler out.- you just go with the flow.

I once heard a woman who was watching us with Mom tell her children, “That’s how you love and respect your parents”.

Don’t worry about what other people think or if they stare. You’re doing what makes your loved one happy. Perhaps you’re also teaching these strangers that it’s all a part of life.

Keep up the good caregiving - be blessed!

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Thank you everyone for the many wonderful suggestions. As many before me have said, caring for a LO with this disease is one of the toughest things we will ever do.

I am so grateful for the kindness and wisdom of everyone on this site. So much so that every opportunity I get I send new caregivers here, knowing what a huge help it will be to them.

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I think that you are doing very well taking her out. If she is like my mother, I can imagine that she gets very bored sitting at home with nothing to do so I think you are doing the right thing to try and keep her busy with activities. Took my Mom to a butterfly garden and when the was not swatting the butterflies away the was approaching children (she loves kids) and sitting next to folks on the benches. Just had to keep redirecting her. I do notice that even though she means no harm it is understandable that people get uneasy with her. Keep doing what you are doing but keep a close eye on her and redirect when you have to.

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My Mother used to love to go outside in her wheelchair. She seemed very content and happy. And I think fresh air was good for her.

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Your mom and my mom sound similar in terms of their condition. I have gotten to the point that I only take my mom out when necessary. She now thinks she knows everybody, and will approach them saying things like “ I haven’t seen you since high school.” People seem to pick up on what is going on, and have been really kind and patient, but I get embarrassed.
My mom is currently in the hospital because we are trying to transfer her from assisted living to skilled nursing. She treats each and every doctor and nurse like someone she has known since she was little, and used to babysit them.
I think you have the right attitude. Things will change, but do what you can for now. I feel that the activity of a walk or short outing provides enough activity that they are tired enough by the end of the day to rest and sleep better.

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I know this must be awkward for you, but I am almost crying at how nice that must be for her - a wonderful world where she has an active connection to everyone. It’s maybe not fair for me to call you lucky, but you are!

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My mother is 97 years old and I take her out every other day when she feels well. She goes to church every Sunday, a ride in the country, out to lunch, ride to get ice cream, visit a beautiful park, shop at the mall, we just got back from a mini vacation at the beach. I find this kind of stimulation very beneficial for my mother. She is a reserved quiet woman and I noticed as her disease progresses she has become a little demanding and loud at times. I do not take offence at the changes she is experiencing, it is part of the process. I would continue taking your mother out, it is good for her and you as well. I find most people understand and take no offence. I think you are a wonderful caring daughter, and doing such a great job caring for your mother. God bless the both of you. Wishing you many blessings along this difficult journey. Hugs to you!

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Great thread, thank you for posting! I’ve gotten some good ideas from all of you. My mom is irritated beyond belief by movements or noise. She snaps at anyone near her. So I’m sadly not willing to do eating out and even shopping now. 1-2 of her companion care gals have taken her to the dollar store in the evening, better them than me.
Sundays I go get food at her senior complex cafeteria alone, she’s tried coming along but can’t act nice, she has NO idea that the others are old are challenged.
Bless these folks who can’t enjoy hardly anything anymore and who take things around them as a personal affront. I am trying to find a therapy pet visit for her next. I started her on psych and downer meds recently, I’ll do anything to lower the sense of stress even at the cost of overall awareness.
I am so impressed and happy for those of you who have your ways to get them out, like just a drive around and back. We have a shuttle at Mom’s complex and we ride along, she gets a kick out of it. I also bring her to my house as an outing, I have pets here.
My best wishes to all. 💐

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I believe it is very beneficial to get them out and about. A trip to the restaurant or a ride in the car is the very best form of occupational and physical therapy around, plus is quality time spent with a loved one. If their quirky behavior gets to be uncomfortable you can go to the restaurant during the quieter times. I used to take mom and dad out for brunch at about 1:30 or 2 because I new we wouldn't have to wait to be seated or wait as long for food. When transferring dad in and out of the car became too difficult, we would run quick errands like dropping off mail at the post office, bringing rubbish to the transfer station, or dropping off the christmas tree at the local goat farm, then swing by a drive through for a snack and "car picnic" at a pretty location. In other words, he wasn't left alone in the car. I would even have him choose out pumpkins or the best bag of peaches. It was so nice for him to get out of the nursing home and I have such fond memories of those outings. I would bring life to dad when he couldn't be there. For example, while in the nursing home, he chose the paint color for the front door on his and mom's house, and I took pictures of any repair work (before and afters) and brought a length of leftover copper wire from an electricians upgrade so that he felt as involved and in control as possible. As far as your mom is concerned, as long as she appears comfortable, keep taking her out, but look for ways to adjust the outing in order to make it the best experience for her.

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My experience is two-fold. First, my mom is 91 and sharp as a tack, just fragile. My husband is 59 now and has been stricken with early-age AD for 6 years now. My sister and I take on blended roles caring for them and the only time she and I get "together normal" time is on outings. We find that dining on a restaurant's "down" days is most enjoyable and the staff is less frazzled and very accomodating. I play music softly on my phone to keep all peaceful. We go to the aquarium and any outdoor festivals we find. Even if only for an hour. Trips, even brief ones, help them both sleep better and broadens our topics to chat with (or at) them about.

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I think it’s wonderful that you are taking her out! I used to take my mom out to church, the movies and/or dinner a couple times a week. It felt like one of the few things I could do to give her a sense of “normalcy” in her life and to give both of us some “fun” in the midst of all the stress/challenges. She’d do some strange things, but I figured I probably noticed more than others did, and it wasn’t hurting anyone.

I kept doing this until it became unsafe. There also was an in between phase where I’d bring her to my house instead of someplace public, or i’d bring my husband along so I had some who could help with logistics. I gauged safety by her behavior. For example, would she wait for me if I had to go get the car? Would she wait for me to bring her walker up/down the stairs, or would she try to do it herself? Was she able to safely go up/down stairs herself? Did she pay attention when I gave her direction?

I would say as long as it is safe and manageable, it’s lovely! 😊

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Hubby and I are struggling today with guilt for not getting his mother out (95 YO, wheelchair bound, moderate and advancing dementia). L-o-n-g discussion at lunch after leaving nursing home. Your reply regarding safety and how you gauge safety is very helpful to me. Can't wait to share with Hubby. Thank you,

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Similar to my mom, though none of the chatter and mine doesn't bathe (though there is no odor according to others). We have an antagonistic relationship so going out is more done with dad, and they frequent the same places which have a familiarity. Dad doesn't comprehend the stress for someone with dementia being in a sensory overload type environment, especially since he is deaf. On "occasions" I have given up the learned OCD behavior to be PERFECT by my mother and just don't worry about it. She has a nasty streak and resents interference. SOMEtimes it seems like it is easier if someone orders for her and then food is presented and she just eats...like a child. Other day was her 97th birthday; went out for a nice (ie. expensive) lunch. She ordered a cheeseburger, and it was plated with the top bun laying face up with lettuce, tomato. She cut it and made a sandwich of that, and THEN took a couple bites of the burger but was busy eating fries...and when the mini desserts were put in front of her...oh yes, we could nearly finish the cheesecake! I too find myself being conscientious about disturbing others...it truly seems like going out with children doesn't it? And Dad being deaf it is similar as no matter how he is told he is still LOUD if he speaks. I do know the Alzheimer's Assn has a little stack of business cards that you can pass that say "my companion has alzheimer's" and then another or the back that says thank you for your understanding, it's appreciated, we'll let others know" sort of thing. That way you can discreetly let others know. In short, I think it helps to go to the same familiar places they have gone to. For my folks that's a Panera, an Olive Garden, a Chinese place and a filthy local joint LOL. In fact, as I think of that last one...if you pick a family friendly place where children are tolerated and expected, it probably will matter less to you.

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Good reply and info! I don’t think people read all the posts, or read them in some different order.

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Up until recently I took Mother with me everywhere I went. That is too stressful and time consuming. Yeah, it sounds mean and selfish, but for real, a thirty minute shopping trip shouldn't take an hour and a half. And then there's trying to explain to her to walk beside me, where it's safer, rather than all up my butt with her walker. Oh yeah, can't leave out the rude comments to strangers in Spanish because she thinks they don't understand!!
Can't leave her in the car alone, or even with one of my adult kids, because it she feels like I'm taking too long she will get out to look for me.
So lately I take her out a couple times a week to a store to walk the aisles for exercise, or to McD's for ice cream and people watch. Sometimes I drive the long way to town because that's really all she wants -- a drive.

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It's not mean and selfish, MumsHelper. We all try to do what's best for our parent to keep them happy, but we matter too. Sometimes we just have to do what's best for our physical and mental health...and try not to feel guilty for it.

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(Worried about my own memory for a moment there) - no, I wasn't imagining it, these give you the general idea:

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-and-factsheets/helpcards?gclid=EAIaIQobChMIg7f9w57J5AIViLHtCh3pbQxFEAAYASAAEgKmt_D_BwE

I'm sure alz.org in the USA will have something similar in its Resources section.

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I take my grandma out and she mainly enjoys the ride in the car more so than getting out. It's always been like that due to the reason that she used a wheelchair that was so heavy to pick up so I'd leave it at home it was also difficult to put in my small car. Id go shop and she will wait. Now she is a bit more impatient so depending on her mood she stays inside the car or comes out with me in a light weight wheelchair, but she definitely enjoys the ride in the car the best.

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Yes, that’s such a good point, thinking up creative rides is useful!

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Upstream, incontinence and not "experiencing" the outing are good things to look at when deciding on a time to stop taking her out. It's nice to read that you continued trying to bring joy into your father's life for as long as he seemed to enjoy it.

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Your question makes me sad. I thought we'd moved on from the days when people with mental and physical disabilities were shut away out of sight so that their mere presence didn't disturb passers-by who weren't able to mind their own business.

Of *course* you are right to use your common sense about this, and not take your mother to places where her diminishing abilities are going to hold people up or significantly inconvenience them or ruin their first candle-lit dinner date. Apart from anything else, very noisy or rushed or crowded places will not be pleasant for her.

I think I recall that you can get pre-printed cards to hand to concerned members of the public that explain "my mother has dementia, please overlook her talking to herself" with, perhaps, the website for the Alzheimer's Society - it all adds to useful awareness-raising in the general population.

But as long as she benefits from outings and she is doing no one any harm, you go right ahead. May you long enjoy her company! :)

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So kind & very helpful answer CW. I recall it was hard taking the kids out (one had autism, & back then it wasn't well understood by the public). I used to get some dirty looks...but they didn't swear, just had odd behaviors. (I could have used those cards u mentioned), lol.

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Oh this is an excellent question! My mother is 94 with mild Dementia and COPD. She coughs up sputum excessively and it can be quite embarassing especially in a crowded restaurant. When she asks to go out, she just wants to feel the sun and breathe the fresh air. I feel guilty if i refuse her that small pleasure. So now instead of taking half the day to clean and dress her, I put a bathrobe on her and slippers and we just ride around for about two hours. We live in a beach resort area so I take drive her up and down the main drag. She gets a kick out of watching tourists bustling around and afterwards we stop and I buy ice cream at a local farmer's market. Lately though, this has become a chore for me due to a back injury. But it works if you don't wear yourself out dressing them and preparing them for an outing. Works for me!!

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How many of us still take our parents out and about? Should she be out?

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