I'm always curious about this. Not one person I know says they would be okay with one of their children having to help them with toileting, walking, etc. when they're older. I don't have kids so I don't know what the usual thinking is on this with parents.
Do any of you expect your kids to give you this level of care?
And "well they changed my diaper for me when I was a baby, I owe it to them" just kind of sounds like it's transactional care and guilt talking. But is that how people actually do feel about it?
Thanks for the insights, in advance :)
We never planned to have our kids care for us and luckily, saved and invested so that will not happen. We'll 'age out' in our home or move to an ALF.
Gosh, my kids didn't even help when I went through cancer. (I knew if I reached out to them, they would have come, but chose not to).
Every family is different and multigenerational living works beautifully for some families, it's a hot mess for others.
I'm hating caring for my mom like a child but we don't have a choice, If there was no virus, I'd have hired an p/t aide for my mom but we still worry about Omicron even tho' we are all vaccinated & boosted. Money is also an issue. I'm mentally always on for mom & I'd never inflict this on my children.
I was not expected to take care of my parents. I am 80, so that shows that in the 30s and 40s they were saving to care for themselves in age. They also moved (too early I thuoght) from a home to an area that was basically a "village" of care in Missouri, of differing levels. Moving from a condo and self care, having own car, they went to apartment, from there my Mom as survivor into differing levels of care. I was trained to be very self sufficient and able, to save, and to be independent. I was trained that the parent cares for the child and the child passes this on in caring for those dependents in his OWN life, not backward to the parent.
So basically I did not care for my parents other than to love them, and I provided toward the end of their time some things they otherwise wouldn't have had, learning computer, having the equipment, having someone come in weekly to clean for them, and etc.
I had a brother. Both of us were taught to be responsible for education, for money to save it for our own age. We both did this. And we ended (luckily) able to care for ourselves. I have discussed with my children that care, either hands on or financially is not expected; it is expected they care for their OWN children, for themselves.
I think basically few people think about age. I often hear people on forum complaining about the money they are spending on their parents.I always ask what they will do when this money they should now be saving is gone and they cannot care for themselves. I seldom get answers.
All of this said I have been both hard working AND lucky. Both are required to end with a job you love, and one that pays you enough to live and to save. I think times are different. Our kids are both having to work in their households, both to have cars, education for their children is very costly; I see them as able to save less, also unable to "go without". The times, as they say, are always "a-changin".
We live in a screwed up world where some parents think that it is the children's duty or obligation to care for them as they age. That is so wrong. While yes, if the child or children want to be involved in helping set up in home care from an agency or help finding the appropriate facility to place their parent(s) in(using the parents money of course and not theirs),that is fine, and in some cases needed. But as far as the hands on care by their children, that is a hard NO WAY from me.
We raise our children to be independent from us and they should remain that way. We should not then back track and be dependent on them for anything other than their love and support.(and I don't mean financially either)
We as older folks(although I'm not really "older" yet as I'm only 62)have had the opportunity to live and enjoy our lives the way we saw fit, so our children should be given that same opportunity, without the burden of thinking that they're somehow responsible for our care.
I have instructed them that they are to use my money to get me care, no matter how much I complain and ask to live with them. Dementia has hit the last two generations of my family, so I don’t know what kind of craziness might be coming out of my mouth, by then.
What I AM doing, though, is giving them insight into what kinds of things I have had to do to provide for my mother’s care. I had no idea what to do going into this whole mess. I want my daughters to have a general direction in which to go.
I am in my late 50’s. My husband is 61. We have drawn up legal documents, and made sure that our children have copies.
My hubs and I recently finalized a Living Trust and we took the opportunity to explain it all to them (they are now 31, 27 and 23 yrs old). At this point only 1 of them has a girlfriend (so no wives). I let them know I would NOT expect or want any of them to provide daily hands-on care for us, and I definitely do not want them to help me with sensitive/private hygiene care -- ever. Now, their dad is another issue and up to him.
If it were "just" a matter of changing a "diaper" then people wouldn't be burning out left and right. It is a naive and romanticized notion that it's like changing the cat litter box. No one who has never been a caregiver can ever imagine what a life altering commitment this is. I couldn't live with the thought of knowingly burning out my own children when there were other options for my care available that I didn't bother to plan for.
As for my mom, I think she used to love the idea of being taken care of by me but then she witnessed first-hand the train wreck that occurred with my in-laws and the toll it took on us and she was disabused of this notion. I reassure her that I will keep her in her home until she is 1) no longer safe without constant supervision and 2) needs more help than I am willing/able to provide or she is willing to accept. She has agreed to go into the very fine facility 3 miles from my home where my MIL currently resides....whether she will remember this agreement is its own issue.
The main thing is to ensure you have all your documents in order far in advance of when you think you should. My husband and I did our first wills and trusts and POAs in our thirties, because we had young children and we wanted to specify who should take them if something happened to them. We updated the trust about three years ago as our kids are now adults.
Our son is our POA and is perfectly capable of handling our financial affairs. We have enough money to pay for nursing homes if needed. We've planned as much as we can at this point in our lives. We're only 60 now with no health issues yet, but you just never know.
My parents got their papers taken care of by the skin of the teeth. They had all their papers done by a trust and estate attorney mere weeks before my mom would have not been competent to sign. They had investments, real estate and NO wills, trust, or POA, and thanks to my brother and me hassling them incessantly, my dad finally agreed to deal with it. He was 85 years old and perfectly healthy, but he was gone less than three years later, and my mom's mind was gone months later.
I was thrust into the role of POA and Trustee even before Dad was gone in 2018, and fortunately, everything was set up to transition smoothly. I'm still serving as Trustee, and there have yet to be any hiccups. I'm grateful to my parents for (finally) taking care of their affairs. Better late than never.
The main thing is to admit you are going to die someday. Plan for it, plan for your old age, and don't get offended if the younger family members want you to handle this stuff. It's your responsibility to plan for this whether you expect a child to care for you or not.
So maybe it's a good idea that we put our wishes IN WRITING so that our children do not feel obligated to care for us when we DO reach the point that we're beyond a 'burden' to them and wind up ruining their lives, their marriages, their jobs and their futures due to caring for us out of misguided guilt & a sense of duty.
I don't know about you, but I certainly did not have children so they could 'repay' me for changing their diapers for a couple of years when they were babies. To compare that to changing MY diapers as a 150 lb (or whatever) grown adult is pure nonsense. And to think my children should have to give up their lives, jobs and families to cater to THAT level of care is beyond selfish & outrageous. Especially when other options are readily available.
What I DO expect of my children in my old age is to call me and to visit me sometimes wherever I'm located to keep me company in my old age. And they should do it out of love & a desire to see me; otherwise, never mind. That's about it. If I have surgery and my DH isn't around to help me b/c he died or whatever, then yes, I would certainly appreciate my son or daughter stepping up to help me out for a week or two to get back on my feet. But that's something entirely different than expecting them to take me on full time in home when I'm very old and demented or wheelchair bound, etc.
If necessary I expect to be placed in a fine local progressive care complex that became “home” to my mother, 2 cherished aunts and a dear uncle.
I have strongly expressed this intention to my children and they understand and agree!
those who never took care of their parents (maybe they died young, or a sibling helped, or whatever), sometimes very much (perhaps secretly) want their adult children one day to care for them (this doesn’t necessarily mean hands-on care, but to deal with the stress/problems).
I have tried to get information from my mom and she will literally say, "The doctor said I got this thing, blah, blah, blah, blah." Okay! That was helpful. (I tell her I would fire my doctor for telling me blah, blah, blah, blah.)
No matter how many questions I ask, I get no information, it's a game with her. The scary part? I am her emergency contact and I can't be the least bit helpful if I am called.
So, please consider this next time you feel like the poor senior has horses hindends for children. Sometimes it is all the seniors choice.
She decided to retire early & stated her kids would now "have to look after her". I asked why, as she was totally independent. I asked if she had been invited to live with her kids? Oh no! "I won't be moving from MY house!"
One kid joined the army & went OS. The other went rural to run a farm.
Always wondered how that worked out for her 😂
Everyone wants to live to a ripe old age but in the body they had at 30. Nobody ever does though.
1) few people really are present when their elderly LO declines so that there's a real first-hand knowledge of what it's like and what it takes to live like that or help the LO on a daily basis.
2) romanticization: we see Hollywood or advertisers' versions of what it's like and it is not reality in any way; when they do plan they are very unrealistic about expectations.
3) denial: people don't want to talk about decline and dying until it's upon them -- and then it's way too late
I'm from the generation where elders retired to a golf community somewhere in the FL. Then the next thing you know they are in the NH, hospital or grave. There's a whole lot that gets missed. My sons have seen their grandparents decline and one pass away, so I'm grateful that they have some real-life experience with it, not just for their grandparents or for me & hubs' sakes, but for themselves and their own planning and expectations from life.
And now, having brought Mom over with me about 5 years ago, I see how having made her move here hurt her and I feel so terribly bad. But she had no friends/family there to help her out and she wasn't safe any longer to live alone at home. And the thought of trying to manage caregivers for her in her home while I lived 2-3 hours away, just wasn't an acceptable idea.
As much as you can, try to forgive him. I know my dad couldn't have coped if my mom had gone first. And I remember toward the end, him looking at me and apologizing for leaving me to "have" to care for Mom. But once I reached my early 60's, it just wasn't such a hard thing for me to begin thinking about bringing Mom over to live with me. Oh, there have been some really hard times, for each of us, but now I am just sad she doesn't have "her home".
I wish you peace and send many caring wishes your way.
:)
regarding what we expect of our children (or in my case, future children)…
and how there are many of us adult children helping our parents a lot…
you wrote in another post:
“we're the ones living in our heads. We've got to do all we can to try and make that a positive place to retreat to.”
——
well, i’d like you to know, that your words helped me.
so there.
you helped 1 human being greatly :).
bundle of joy :)
I know many of us wish there was some alternative but there just isn't sometimes. But I'll stick to my plan to try and make the inside of my head as pleasant and as positive as I can. It's all we have, right?
Peace to you and yours :)
I am trying to make plans for myself...once I don't have to care for her I will work on it more...because I do not want my children to have to take care of me once I lose my independence. Besides... I have 2 sons.... and I will do whatever I can to prevent it.
I really just don't think my mom planned, I believe she figured she would have a stroke like everyone in her family did.
I don't feel I owe it to my mom, I love her very much.... but it certainly isn't easy.
Make your decisions and make them known to your children...but also get them in writing.
Best Wishes !!
“uses her iPad, checks her checking account, uses her iPhone to play games”
amazing.
i hope you can be ok, happy, and your mother too!!