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The only thing that I can add is that my cousin is in a similar situation (except that her mother still wants to hear from her) but she lives even further away than 40 miles. She says that calling her mother takes some of the pressure off and keeps from disrupting the schedule at the nursing home. Of course, this would depend upon the hearing ability of the person in the home.
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I like ADCaregivers suggestion, as weekly visits are necessary to ensure proper care, but it doesn't have to be you. You could visit once or twice a month and when you're there, make your own routine, ie: be the one who ALWAYS rubs her shoulders, brings chocolate covered strawberries, sings a certain song, or reads certain verses. Ask if the staff is doing any artwork with her. You could be the one to bring crayons and big paper. It can be as simple a routine as you want, and isn't dependent on taking her anywhere. But the routine is as much for you as for her. To make your time with her valuable to both of you. You want to feel that, by your effort, you have contributed in a meaningful way, to her comfort, pleasure or ease.
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I usually call daily but most of the time she doesn't answer, or she doesn't put the earpiece on her hearing aid, she keeps saying I can't hear you and then hangs up on me. It's impossible to teach her how to use the phone so she can hear, we've tried everything. Funny, because the last three days I haven't been home and she has left 4 messages crying and scolding me for being mean hanging up on her ( I'm camping, haven't even called her.) Wednesday we go to the doctor. She will fuss and complain, maybe get diarrhea and I'll have to explain to her six times where we are going, etc. The following week I'm going to bring my poodle puppy to visit with Mom. If she isn't interested, I will go to the community room and visit some of the other residents. I'm planning to train her as a therapy dog, and this would be good for her and the residents. She is very friendly, soft and happy.
Mom's deterioration has been escalating over the last three months. If she lives much longer her dementia is going to force her into mental care, but more than likely she will need a nursing home if she becomes any weaker. No one should have to go through becoming a vegetable and losing all their dignity like this.
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Include lonely residents in your visits? Share the love? Would mom recognize you if you sat at someone else's table for lunch and saw her afterwards?
That won't work because it is her home, her friends, her space.
So, do cut back, keep checking in and visit with the caregivers more.
Looking way back, was it hard for you to leave a child at school when they forgot about you and went off with their friends, happily? Or, was it hard for your mom to leave you with a babysitter when you were little?
Enjoy the time as much as possible, take care of yourself, try not to suffer guilt.
Thanks for asking your question. It made me think.
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AmyGrace I hope your mom has care now. Sounds like she needs it. If my dad hadn't been the main caregiver my mom wouldn't have been able to stay by herself when her dementia wasn't that bad 5 1/2 years ago. It was only because of my dads heart attack and his recovery that she wasn't able to stay in the home. She just couldn't understand that he had had a heart attack and needed his rest. She would ask "WHERE is YOUR father" when he was in the hospital. I would tell her "mom, we just got back from seeing him" and she would say "Oh, I know that". 10 minutes later she would say "Boy, your father sure has been gone a long time. I'm furious with him for leaving me here and I'm hungry", which we would have just eaten. I'm glad you got away for a few days. Sounds like you needed it. I would LOVE to get a dog/puppy but just don't have it in me right now to deal with Dad and mom and 2 grandboys as much as I love them all. I'm pretty wiped out. But gee, I think that's great about training your dog. Will she come visit me??? :)))
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Thanks pargirl. Your mom's mind is in the same place as my mother's. Dementia scrambles the brain and the "anchor" that holds their memories in sequence is no longer there so the thoughts just roll around in their heads and come out randomly. Mom's latest is calling either my sister or me during her "sundown" time every few nights, all upset, and asking how we are because she has imprinted on her brain that one of us has either broken a hip or ankle or both. (I broke my ankle 4 months ago and she can't keep the memory straight.) A few years ago it helped when we wrote things on her whiteboard or on paper so she could refer to them but now, she either erases it, or puts it in a drawer or when she reads it, her mind tells her something different, not what is on the paper.
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Your good kids its clear you with taking her to doctors and other visits can cut back just call more but not at meal hr s social time there are two or more visitors a week she has memory prouble may think she sees you a lot more often or she wants the space in your life so when she passes you will live with her lose what a nice mom as for her snacks when you can't come call her and mail them every one loves mail if she can't read send her pictures cards candy drawings mail is almost better then a visitor its something her friends will wish there kids would send
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We are having a very difficult time with aggressive and combative behavior with my Mother. The ALF where she lives acts as if she's the only one with dementia who acts this way. She is a very sweet lady most of the time and then all of a sudden she flips out. Is there anyone else out there who has a parent who is combative , aggressive and sometimes violent behavior.
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Jenny and Jane,

Your mom needs better meds. Get her to a geriatric doctor.

Pronto!
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Yes, Jenny & Jane, get her to a doctor. Mom started to get that way also - verbally aggressive, even pushed one of us, gave us awful looks like she was going to hit us when we touched her. Its part of dementia not part of the personality. Her doctor put her on Zoloft and it worked wonders. She is now calm, not as obsessive and more like her sweet gentle self. By all means, get your mom to the doctor!
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