How should I respond to the hoarding?

It seems pretty evident that you know exactly what you need to do you just need the courage to do it.

You don’t wanna hurt your relationships…. so let me ask you, if they were 20 and 25 would they be acting like this? 40 and 45? 60 and 65? As hard as it is to hear this, and I say this with compassion and caring, your parents aren’t the same people they were if they’re willing to live like this now.

Your dad doesn’t have a lot of choice but your mother is having a problem and you need to step up put your big girl britches on and start taking care of them the right way.

Do we let our children do the things they want to do when we know they’re not right? Do we compassionately and lovingly correct them and don’t allow them to do those things? Yes we do and they get mad but we accept it in stride because we know we’re doing the right thing for them. It’s no different here. we support you but you gotta Listen to the other advice you are getting here; it’s all good.

Take care and get face-to-face in a support group if you can they’re very supportive too. Hugs.

Of course hoarder doesn't want to clear out the home / area. This is why they are considered hoarders! Read this website and parts written below:

https://dailycaring.com/how-to-help-seniors-who-are-hoarders/

Hoarding health risks and dangers
Hoarding results in serious side effects for older adults, including:
Preventing emergency care – firefighters or emergency medical technicians (EMTs) may not be able to get through the house to reach them
Causing physical danger – increased risk of falls or not being able to move around due to the extreme clutter
Refusing home help – won’t allow anyone into their home (usually due to embarrassment or fear of their stuff being disturbed), this negatively affects their nutrition, hygiene, and medication
Producing unsanitary conditions – spoiled food leads to pests and foodborne illness

Creating fire hazards – piles of old papers, newspapers, or magazines can easily go up in flames
 
What causes the hoarding behavior?

Right now, the cause of hoarding isn’t clear. Doctors and psychologists think that hoarding could be a sign that someone has dementia, other cognitive disorders, or a mental illness like OCD, depression, or anxiety. Other triggers include living alone for long periods of time without social interaction, lack of cognitive stimulation, or a traumatic event.

Another possibility is something called Diogenes syndrome, which can be brought on by dementia or frontal lobe impairment. Someone with this syndrome shows extreme self-neglect, domestic squalor, social withdrawal, apathy, compulsive hoarding of trash, and lack of shame.
 
1. Visit the doctor - Because hoarding is connected to health conditions or mental health issues, it’s likely that your older adult will need professional help. Having their doctor do a full evaluation will help figure out if the behavior is caused by dementia or other medical conditions.
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As someone here said: "It seems pretty evident that you know exactly what you need to do you just need the courage to do it."

I'm flummoxed and missing some pieces to this puzzle. It is courage or something deeper.

Your comment: "Mom is his caretaker and adamantly refuses to hire any kind of help" - Her response doesn't matter (unless you are not legally allowed to take control of this situation). You might need a court order - ?

IMPORTANT:

If they / she will not allow you (and/or others) to clear the home for safety, stop visiting, stop helping (only in the areas 'they' allow). Your mother is running circles around you and YOU allow it by helping them on their (her) terms.

You are a co-dependent. Not good. Not healthy. Not safe.

IMPORTANT: If you stop helping with driving, etc., your mother (MAY / ) will know you mean business: Make a plan with her to clear out XXX and she either agrees to it or you stop helping as you are.

At this point, she has absolutely NO incentive to change.

And yes, this will be difficult for you. Know you are doing it for them. If they refuse your help/support for their well-being, and you have no legal recourse, that is the sad reality.

Are you the POA? - Find out what your responsibilities are for the safety / welfare of your parents. If you have the legal authority to get in there and clear it out FOR THEIR SAFETY, make plans and do it. Get a court order if necessary, which would likely require a MD to determine your mother incompetent (I don't know. Do your research).

Gena / Touch Matters

A Geriatric Psychiatrist can evaluate your mom and put her on appropriate medications and, hopefully, refer her to a hoarding therapist: just Google,"Hoarding Therapist," to learn more.

Senior Services:
https://lacounty.gov/residents/seniors-older-adults/health-wellness/

You may need to be the one to call Social Services. Their current conditions and your mother's mindset is not "keeping them safe."

This is such a sad situation. It’s incredibly sad and unsafe for them and it’s sad for you to witness.

My godmother had macular degeneration. Unfortunately, she lost her vision from it. I’m sorry to hear about your dad’s loss of vision.

Your mom sounds stressed out from caring for your dad. Sadly, burned out caregivers aren’t able to give the best care. They need to step aside and accept help from others.

The situation with the hoarding makes it impossible for anyone to help them. Your mom may have started off with having ‘extra stuff’ like many people do. It probably progressed into a ‘control issue.’ It’s something that she did to comfort herself. I can only imagine how frustrating that this is for you!

Best wishes in getting this sorted out. It’s complicated and takes time to deal with. Your parents need professional help.

Take notes, not in essay form. In a notebook for the doctor and APS.
Observe behaviors. Take photos.

For example:
Started collecting clean jars from jam. Date.
Household has no room for any collections.

Cleared hallway to provide a safe & clear walkway.
Not allowed to put a n y t h i n g in the hallway.
Under threat of death.

Strangely piles up plastic tubs to organize.
Puts smaller ones precariously on the bottom.
Falls over when anyone walks by.

Seeks out spoiled food in lieu of fresh food, holding to first in, first out excuse.
Sneak behind person's back to discard and replace identical foods.

Use the rule (for hoarders): Do not bring anything into the house unless you remove, donate, or throw away 2 items, at the same time.

One poster had complained of used Kleenex everywhere, and it was thrown on the floor. I have thought the reason was anger and disrespect, even punishment towards the caregiver. Observe.

All this won't solve the problem, but something may come of it with enough information.

I know it's really distressing, but not sure if Adult Protective Services will even (CAN even) do anything. You can try, but generally they will respond that "people can live any way they want". If you phrase it that you are concerned for your dad's health, maybe they might....it's worth a try at any rate.

My stepmother (78) and dad (87) both passed within the last year....both were hoarders. It was horrible...they lived in a trailer with a side room that ran the length of the place and they basically had only a couple small trails through part of the trailer...couldn't get in their bedroom AT ALL (not even a foot) or the vast majority of the side room. Couldn't use their shower (didn't want to either). Months old rotting food in the refrigerator, which I DID toss. Until she passed, I couldn't do anything. After she passed, he wanted me to get rid of most of her stuff, so I was able to clean their bedroom, side room and shower area (he still wouldn't use it). My dad's hoarding was mainly outside...vehicles, sheds and trailers crammed with damp, rusting, decomposing things (they lived near the ocean where it is very humid)...THAT is a whole 'nother story....

I'm facing the same hoarding issue with my mom (86). My mom and dad divorced 50 years ago. The hording is not as bad...yet...but she's 86 and keeps saying (as she has for the past 30 years) that she is "getting rid of things". Two boxes a month out of a 4-bedroom house isn't "getting rid of things"...especially as she keeps bringing at least that much in. Won't let me help her clean, and now has macular degeneration in one eye. Once she gets it in the other eye, I'm not going to give her any more options. She can't stay living there by herself if she can't see and could trip and lay there with no one knowing. I have promissary notes and deeds of trust on her house from all the money I've lent her through the years because she didn't save for retirement (a whole other story in itself how much money I've spent on her behalf in the last 30 years), and I wasn't going to call the notes and force a sale (which I legally can), but I will threaten to do so at that point, for her own good. She might even have to move in with us, which I'm not looking forward to, but how could she live alone at that point? Selling her house would not provide money for her to go into a home, because the vast majority of the money (due to the promissary notes from expenditures on her behalf) would be coming to me, not her.

There comes a time where you just have to put your foot down...but not sure if you can at this juncture. Good luck. There are no easy answers.

I saw this and it might help people:

[depending on your mother, you might want to go through this list with her; to enlist her support to move forward.]

10 quick safety solutions for bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen:
Safety Problem Safe Solutions

1 Is the path to the bathroom clear and unobstructed?
Remove any clutter or decorative items along that path.

2 Is there automatic night lighting near the bed and from the bed to the bathroom?Get simple, inexpensive plug-in night lights that automatically turn on when the area is dim.
Here are three options:
Amazon #1 Night Light, $11 for two / CVS, $7 for two / Home Depot, $6 for four

3 Are there properly installed grab bars and toilet safety add-ons?
No-installation neededSee our article on bathroom safety items, including grab bars. - - - - Installation required: For difficult locations without convenient wall studs, consider this new mount-anywhere system for grab bars that install easily and support 300 pounds.
Options from Home Depot (but avoid anything suction-based!)

Expert Tip: Check ADA recommended grab bar placement and installation tips.

4 Are there slippery bath mats outside tubs or showers?

Remove all traditional bath mats or rugs. Those are very dangerous.
To soak up water after a shower or bath, try a low-profile, non-slip kitchen mat. There are plenty of options; google "Safe Bath Mats."

5 Are tubs or shower floors non-slip?

This non-slip spray treatment is highly rated and works better than stick-on products which will eventually come off.Permanent stick-on non-slip strips are better than removable suction mats. After a while, mats get mildew-y and slippery.

Expert Tip: Make sure the tub or shower floor surface is clean and dry before applying any anti-slip stuff.

6 Is there an adjustable hand-held shower head?

These convenient shower heads let your senior have the option to sit safely while showering. They’re also quick and easy to install.Here are some options from Home Depot.

7 Is there a shower bench or chair?

No installation needed!Here are three options from Home Depot:

8 In the bedroom, can they reach items in the closet and drawers easily?

Move frequently-worn clothing to places where it’s easiest to access. Avoid putting things on high shelves, the closet floor, or in drawers that are hard to open.Expert Tip: Cleaning out unworn clothes (or putting them in a storage area) helps create more space for easier access.

9 In the kitchen, are often-used items within easy reach?

Move frequently-used items down from high shelves and up from low shelves. Put them within easy arm’s reach.Expert Tip: This is a good time to get rid of some kitchen clutter too!

10 If your older adult can safely use one, is there a safe step stool with a handrail available?

Here are two options:2-Step Stool w/ Handle, Home Depot, $20
Single-Step Stool with Tall Handle, Amazon, $35

BOTTOM LINE: These 10 safety updates are quick and simple. Many don’t even require any tools or installation.

You will encounter resistance; elder may insist that they can and will take care of these items themselves. They cannot. It isn't safe - and hoarders do not want to do this.

Even if you have to insist on doing it for them (or do it secretly as a “surprise”), making these fixes is a wise move than can prevent terrible accidents.

In time the recipient will be relieved to have these things done, but likely have a few words ... let their feelings known in the moment when it is happening. Hoarders do not want their way of living changed. This is the nature of the disease. You must do it anyway.

How about quietly taking photos of the conditions and contacting a social worker? Do not tell the affected hoarder to avoid extreme conflict!

Newmilton: Perhaps you should contact APS as the hoarding could be deemed a FIRE hazard. If there was a fire in the home, EMS and the fire department need to be able to ENTER rooms and if they cannot, it could end badly.

I bet if you got a couple very tall, gentle, handsome, sweet young (disaster clean-up specialists) men in suits in there, bringing very good pizza (or pasta or baked chicken and beans), and cherry pie and apple pie, and situating it on a portable table with plates, silverware, napkins & glass-bottled water in front of her and mr. up in comfortable chairs/tv trays, they will wrap your mom around their finger. Tell them to lie and say the neighbors reported a rat, so they have to clean out in order to find the rat. If she balks, they can say, "We aren't using up any of your time because you need to sit down and eat dinner anyway, and look at all that food!" Be sure they bring 4 sacks of appropriate groceries for her, as well, since she will intuitively know they are going to throw food out. Perhaps they can have a crew "underneath" them waiting in a truck outside (a very nice, clean, new, big truck - impressions matter). Your mom will know it's a lie and right at that point if she gives in because of their charm & simplicity, then you'll know it's going to work, a done deal. If she doesn't give in to the lie, then they can back out before they start. If she asks where they are from, they should just lie and say they are from the city/county.

From that point on, do your mom a favor and go to the food bank on her behalf. It's not right that she should be the primary care giver and also have to do food banking. Food banking is very unpleasant, hot, cold, heavy, tiresome, straining, inconvenient, and time-consuming. Can't you get her on food stamps or meals on wheels? The food bank is not meant to be a way of life if other more practical options are available. Is it possible to take them out to eat once a week, or have a dinner sent over? When an old lady goes to the food bank a lot, she loses perspective on what normal is, and the physical strain makes her mind weary and addled.

Who drives them places? Do they get proper medical care? If they have an involved PCP ask that person to arrange for a social worker/case manager to start home visits. The presumption is that they will need to know what arrangements should be made to stay in their home safely. The social worker can also involve services for the aged and the health department as needed. That person can also assess objectively if Dad is at risk from Mom's behavior. Do you have POA? If not, your first job is to try to get DPOA. If you can't, then you are an observer only while this ship sinks. It is hard to watch but not your fault.