I am 50, only child, live in USA, parents are 82 & 83 and live abroad. My parents have always bickered, their dynamic is to argue about everything but they have never separated. Since I was little I noticed the fights, they are fundamentally different people. I used to tell them, please divorce and be happy separately! Please! They never did. They say they are stuck together. On the phone which we talk around 8 times a day, they are loving, she writes me beautiful cards and its so attentive. But in person they argue with me all the time, they tell me what to do but everything I do or say aggravates them. I paid for hospital stay, he's been hospitalized for a week, and both got mad because they arent "incapacitated". They say I want to pay for everything and they don't need it. So yesterday I took her card and she paid. Same at supermarket I can't go by myself and they dont let me pay, they make a show in front of cashier so I let it go, to avoid the scene. Aside from that, the house is filthy, if I try to clean, they get MAD. Yelling and screaming. So I stopped and try to clean a little at night when they sleep. The s*** from animals in back yard covers every corner, there's not a clean space to sit, but they don't see it. If someone comes here I would feel so embarrassed that they would think I let my parents live this way. I don't, but if I try to help they get so upset. Their kitchen trash is disgusting, that no Clorox would help so I bought them one, exactly the same, and I left to USA. A month later I return and the old disgusting trash can is again in their kitchen, and the new one outside in a closet. Not being used. Their fridge has old food in it hasn't been cleaned in ages, but they don't let me touch it not even to "rearrange it better". They argue with me 24/7. I've tried shutting up, trying to agree, even just ignoring them, and they get pissed no matter what I do. But when im back home, on the phone they love me to death and are so nice. What's going on here??? I love them but do they fight me so much? all I doing is trying to her them.
Yesterday mom gave me so many directions while driving, turn here, be careful, look at that car, theres a hole in the street, that car is coming this way while acted like we were getting into an accident, (nothing was going on) etc etc etc that I said MOM PLEASE relax, just let me drive. Please. I just exploded crying and finally parked. I feel HORRIBLE saying this but in that moment I just wanted to grab her and shake her so hard. To just shut UP. It was 10 minutes of non stop anxiety in the car about every little thing and telling me what to do the whole 10 minutes. I would never disrespect her, I love this woman more than life itself, but she caused me so much stress, that I just started crying out of frustration. It even took me by surprise, I went from 0 -100 crying. I couldn't help it. Thats' how intense she is and how she triggers me. I feel like a bad daughter for not knowing HOW to deal with her. She loves me so much, I have no doubt, but she's gotten extremely difficult and all I want is for her to feel cared for and loved and safe with me, but I cause her to feel the contrary. What am I doing wrong? Please help.
Where you’re going wrong is that you think this is something that can be fixed. It can’t. Hoarding in the elderly with cognitive decline is unfixable. As you said, they don’t see it, are stuck in their ways, and resistant to any sort of change. They live in a state of constant fight or flight, and feel trapped but are unable to voice or even understand what is going on around them.
They need to be placed in care. You’ve done a great job looking after them until now, but this is more than any one person. It’s now going to take a village.
Guilt, depression, and defeat are common emotions when contemplating putting an elderly loved one in care, but you need to put all that aside, put your big girl pants on and focus on SAFETY. Their safety has to be the absolute #1 concern and priority, above their feeling about it or yours. If their safety is in jeopardy (due to unhygienic living conditions, dangers of possible food poisoning, contamination by mouse droppings, wandering, etc) you must intervene and place them in care.
It is the responsible thing to do, and the loving thing. The wrong thing is to allow them to keep living in filth because you’re too scared that they’ll hate you. You must be the adult now. And being an adult is all about making the hard decisions.
Best of luck.
How often are you going over there to see them? I would postpone it indefinitely at this point. If you go back, don't stay with them. The conditions there are inhumane and you do not need to subject yourself to them. It's unsafe.
They, especially your mom, are obviously having some major issues. Hoarding. Eating expired food. Poop all over the yard. This is just not anything a personal in the normal range would tolerate. Since they are in their 80s, I'd seriously consider that they may be having dementia and are really not very safe at home without assistance. And no one can assist them due to the deplorable conditions they are living in.
I would talk to someone in their area to see what evaluations are available. Can someone look at their living conditions? The home might be declared unfit to live in and then maybe they'll be taken to a nursing home.
Are they going to the doctor? They could benefit from a full evaluation - blood work, etc. to see if there is something going on that could be easily corrected.
And you talk on the phone to her EIGHT times a day?? That is really excessive. Why is she calling you so much? I would let a bunch of those go to voice mail and not listen to the message. Say it's broken and you can't listen to your messages.
From your description - it sounds like you are doing NOTHING wrong. But it sounds like your parents have a lot of issues.
only you know all the facts, so i just have theories here:
--you wrote:
"I've tried shutting up, trying to agree, even just ignoring them, and they get pissed no matter what I do."
i've been in EXACTLY the same situation. it didn't matter what i do.
beware, some people LOVE arguing. they love creating conflict/accusing/blaming. if you help, they blame you. if you don't help, they blame you. it doesn't matter what you do ----- they WANT to fight. they enjoy it. they want you to fight, too.
no one is happy while they're fighting. we have angry faces.
no one fights being super happy.
some people want angry/frustrated faces around them. the last thing they want is happy, bubbly, cheerful faces around them.
--why are they loving to you while you're in the US?
maybe because if they're awful to you all the time, you won't visit at all.
they probably DO want you to visit. and you visiting, might be an opportunity to throw mental garbage at you.
--you driving the car; your mother saying "be careful", etc.
i bet you were driving very carefully.
EVERYONE knows it's extremely annoying to have someone in the passenger seat (when you're indeed a careful driver), saying "be careful, watch out for that, this"...indeed, all those comments CAN lead to an accident.
they do it to provoke.
by the way, i've been in EXACTLY the same situation as you.
some people want you to blow up in the car.
--you paid for hospital stay, etc.
your parents sound ungrateful.
a very normal comment would be, "dear daughter, thanks a lot for this. your intentions are very kind, but you don't need to pay for us."
it's totally normal to say "THANKS".
you don't just criticize and get angry.
--my guess?
your parents are unhappy.
they try to throw their unhappiness at you.
unhappy people feel good when other people are unhappy too.
--solution?
for many of us, finding the right balance between helping our LOs, and helping ourselves, is hard.
help yourself more, dear lily :).
make your life awesome, amazing, happy, successful. :).
this is 1 big way of making your parents happy.
loving parents are happy when their daughters are happy/successful.
and if your parents aren't loving parents...well, if they would be loving, they would want you to be happy/successful. (how ever you want to define "success").
hugs!!
bundle of joy :)
do that as long as we did not open the door or windows.
to keep wife happy I would ask her to be the navigator, where to go, turn , stop, how fast and watch out for traffic,
She was very happy because she was doing something useful, Than she would tell me how useful she was otherwise we would get lost. She passed away last July, and I miss her instructions , I have not gone trough the park or out in the country since the last drive in May/June
It's the walking on eggshells syndrome. As long as you stay in your lane - everything is fine. But as soon as you step into theirs every car on the highway comes to a screeching halt and it's a pile up and you can't even see the lane dividers - about right?
In our case- he is this way to varying degrees with EVERYONE. But it is a far worse offense if you are his offspring, married his offspring or are his grandchildren. Because something about that particular role in his mind means that we are obligated to listen to him and do as he says - no questions asked. And now that he is in the position and condition that he is in - and behaves largely like a toddler 99% of the time - the positions have changed and we are the "adults in charge" and the resistance is mostly a show of rebellion and an attempt at power and to control the situation because it is pretty much the only things he has any control over anymore and he wants to save face I guess.
Our best bet anymore is to just ignore it and work around him most of the time. Do what we can. If something is critical, figure out a way to make him think it is his idea to do it a certain way. Because there is no convincing him that we are right, so we have to get him to work WITH us instead of working against us as much as possible.
She's accused me of stealing from her and doing things pertaining to her home and finances behind her back only because she doesn't remember making the decisions.
She's dehydrated and suffers from chronic UTI but won't drink enough water. She cancels Dr appointments that she really needs.
My frustration is through the roof. I don't want to be hateful or hurt her in any way. But at that moment I just feel I can't do this anymore.
But we can. We take some time. Take some deep breaths. Pray about it, if that's something you believe in. And face the new day KNOWING you can only do so much. You are only one person. And as long as you are making an earnest attempt to help them, THAT is all you can do.
Most of all take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself. Feed your spirit and soul by doing things you enjoy and just try to maintain yourself in a good place.
We are all here because this is the toughest job we will ever have in our lives. But it is a labor of love. And at the end of the day we will know in our heart that we did our very best for them.
Hang in there.💜