How to deal with resentment when caring for parent?

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How to deal with resentment when caring for parent?

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I am 32 years old and caring for my 70 year old father. My mother passed from cancer 5 years ago. Basically, I have been caring for my parents since I was 26. My father lives in my home and needs assistance walking, bathing, getting meals made, keeping track of appointments. I leave my house for work, which I have had to go part time at because of how much care he needs, and come home to take care of him. I feel so angry because he refuses to enter a SNF, where he can get care that I can’t provide alone. He falls often enough that my local EMS knows our names. I don’t have helpful family members. Meanwhile, I can’t go on dates, or travel, or spend time with friends. I feel like my youth is flying by. I would love to have a chance to have a family of my own, and to see the world while my body still allows for it. But when I mentioned that to him, he just says I’m ungrateful for all the times he took care of me. I just feel hopeless in my current situation.

Burnout Family Caregiver Parents Relationships

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@BBS2019

Most excellent advice. Please, to the OP, get your dad placed in a long term care facility. You will be able to visit and still advocate for him. I wish I had not gone with “my parents wishes” through years of turmoil... falls, hospital stays, bad caregivers, no help from these offices others suggest because it was a poor area- now I am 51, unmarried, bouts of aggressive cancer, lung disease. Please, take care of you and have love, a family of your own. Find joy. The guilt he is placing on you is manipulative.

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What has happened to the OP? We’d like to hear from you.

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Have you thought about contacting the local area agency on Aging to see if he qualifies for any assistance? Does he have any private funds to hire any help? Have you spoken with his physician regarding his issues? I'm thinking that a social worker from area agency on Aging should be involved? Given all the falls has home PT been ordered? If there are family is it that they won't help? Have you asked them? I think that even though he is your father that a trained professional needs to help you set boundaries while getting him the help that he needs. No one likes the idea of a SNF but given his falls and his needs he could be needing placement sooner rather than later.

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Providing assistance for our parent(s) or other LOs doesn't have to mean giving up our life and home to them. You likely will need some expert help in getting it done, but dad needs to move out. It isn't clear if he could live in a senior place with help or if he needs AL (he doesn't sound like SNF material, yet. that generally requires needing specialized nursing care, not just needing help with ADLs)

Let his attempts at guilt fall on deaf ears. You are not selfish or ungrateful, if anything HE is. You've done a number of years caring for both. Continuing as is will impoverish you, both now and for your own future needs. It will result in a lot of resentment for both of you. If possible, start seeking help with doctors, EC attys, SWs, etc to see what his options are. Inquire about Medicaid (most don't cover AL, only NH, but some do and many offer at least part-time in-home help, if he can move to senior housing.)

The guilt he lays on you is totally wrong and unfounded. Some who post on this site will also throw this kind of guilt around. Tune it out! Caring for a child one WANTED to bring into the world, a child who is small, but will grow both in size and independence is not the same as caring for a full-size overly-entitled adult who will NOT grow in independence and could suck the life out of you!

We can still be engaged and advocate for our parent(s) without having to do the hands-on caring. IF there is any way to get him living elsewhere, he will likely ramp up the guilt trips, but refuse to go on those vacations! It is fueled only by his sense of entitlement and hurtful as it might be, you know what you have done, what you have gone through and what you would like your life to be, so you need to shut yourself off from his berating and make positive changes. You, like he, are entitled to a life of your own!

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Tell him you can no longer care for him. I'd tell him that, and don't feel "guilty" because you want or need to live your own life. 70 is really young for needing all that hands on care. Many people are still working at that age (I did and after "retiring," immediately was pulled into elder care for my 2 parents who were 90.) All this caregiving and worry at age 32 will cause you to age prematurely and need someone else to care for you, hopefully not at age 70 or earlier.

Does he have a medical condition requiring nursing care? Why is he falling so often? If so, he may be beyond AL and need a nursing home. Contact your county or state department of aging for some advice and to locate a social worker who can do an assessment of his needs.

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You need to insist that he make other arrangements. If he is that needy he should be in an assisted living facility. He is taking great advantage of you. If he is competent enough to manipulate you through guilt, he is in good enough shape to have an enjoyable life in a facility. You should take him for a visit. It's a month by month situation. He would make friends and have a social group. My mom was in an assisted living situation until dementia made me take her to live with me (but I'm 61 not 32 and she has the means to have private sitters). I can't imagine demanding my daughter of 32 sacrificing herself for me.

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Your father CANNOT nor SHOULD NOT be the one in control. He needs facility living, else you'll break. You need counseling.

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You have put the walls of the prison up yourself. Get some counseling in order to live your life.

When he says you are ungrateful, mention that taking care of his children was his job. You didn't ask to be born, he decided that, and since he decided to have a baby, it is his god given duty to care for his family. When you decide to have babies, you will take care of them, that is paying it forward.

My extended family's father was always reminding him that he took him to the hospital when he was little and almost died, so he(the father) was owed. When I pointed out to the old fart that the parent's job is to take care of their children, even if it meant taking them to the ER. He got mad at me and said he was ex-communicating me from his list of friends. Boy, that showed me, (sarcasm).

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Don't let your father guilt you into not living your dreams, pursuing your career and starting relationships. Your 30's is when all of this should be taking place! The 30's are probably one of the most exciting and best times in someone's life. You are young and still look and probably feel great. There are plenty of fish in the sea so to speak. This is YOUR TIME TO SHINE! Your father had his life and I'm not sure why he's in such bad shape. If he is anything like my father was - an alcoholic and smoker who made some poor business choices and died at 68 with no insurance. I'm much older now and still taking care of my mom who is 93. But I look back at my youth and am glad of the memories. Get some in-home health care. Set boundaries and tell him you deserve a life. I swear a lot of these older people are the ones that are selfish stealing their children's lives! Prayers to you.

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This is one way you could start changing things straight away. He is relying on FOG (fear and guilt) about how he cared for you as a child. Treat him like he looked after you as a child. Your mother probably did the care when you were a toddler anyway. But just assume that he did actually do hands on care then. At age 6, you were in school. So he goes to day care every day, like you went to school. He goes to bed at 7pm, lights out. He gets fed what you want to prepare. He’s old enough to take a shower and get dried and dressed, and he doesn’t get help walking whenever he feels like it.

Yes of course you need to work on getting him out of the house and into care. But turning the tables on ‘I cared for you’ FOG might help you to toughen up a bit. At the moment he has everything his way, and that’s the way he likes it. Making it more even with 'I cared for you' will be a bit less likeable for him. It’s fair!

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It’s so easy for someone to say, put him in a home or ER dump. My mother did not save for a home. Refuses to go on Medical and her Dr told me to take her to ER and ask for a case worker to have them find her a placement. ER had us wait 12 hours in waiting room and then told us we needed to go thru as out patient.
Since you are young and he is 70, give him a date that you will no longer be available to take care of him full time.
Give him phone numbers for Council on Aging or a Social Worker from his hospital. Always put in writing and keep a copy what you communicate to him.
You are too young to give up.

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Hi! We as caregivers need to make decisions based on what is good for everyone not just one person. I am not sure what that decision is Best for you and your father but to me it sounds like you are not setting some boundaries with him because you are worried he will be mad at you? If he is angry that has to do with him not you. You have to take care of you and help your dad. Not do what is only right for him? Is he may get mad at you for that but that is ok. You resenting him for something you are tolerating. I know that is hard to hear. I did it too. Life is much better now that I moved through all of that. I am still caring for my mom but now I don’t hate every minute of it.

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I have a parent with Parkinson’s and a disabled sister, I’ve had to be a caregiver all my life. I lost my childhood and they are quickly working on my twilight years. If I try to look out for myself they too say I’m selfish but who is actually the selfish ones when they refuse outside help.

I have a daughter and grandsons,, I’d never ask them to do this or put them in impossible situations. I’m disability retired and don’t want to shorten my time left with my own family even more. I do have my own affairs in order so they’ll never have to suffer bc of me.

I feel like the selfishness in the case I’m in is projection, if you disagree or decline a request my mother instantly says you’re evil.

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So sad. Heartbreaking situation. I’m so sorry that you are struggling with this. You deserve a break and time with your family.

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I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom.

I’m in the same situation. I’ve taken care of my dad with 2 types of cancer...I was 30 years old then, he passed away and I have taken care of mom throughout the years, last year though it started 24/7 bc she has Vascular Dementia, I am 45 years old now and yes it did fly by!

I lost my career, friends and I’m unable to even date. I know I “chose” this life so I can’t really be mad at anyone but myself, there are always choices. Sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off if she was taken care of by the State all these years...but then the guilt would have drained me anyway.

Good luck, and may God bless you.

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I am so sorry. I am 59 and 45 is not too old to have someone step in to help you with her so that you can enjoy life. I have a friend who just turned 52. She is in her third year of a program where she is getting her Bachelor's and then her MFCC. I know that is not for everyone, but it is not to late to make the choice to do things differently. I don't know what your health is like, but please get some counseling (low cost? community assistance?). You sound like you are depressed and need someone to listen, advise, and give you a hand. Be well.

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Does he have the finances for assisted living? If so, explain to him that you are going back to work full time or you will be poor. Even if dad is providing the money for you to give up your full time job, you are derailing your career at the most important time of your life. Tell him that you will not be able to manage his care. He must move to AL. Do not accept his arguments, insults, etc. Make a plan and stick with it.

If he doesn't have any money, send a letter to his doctor explaining ALL of the assistance you provide for his activities of daily living. Be detailed and don't hold anything back. Explain that you must go back to your full time job and that dad has no one to care for him. Start the process of getting him qualified for a SNF.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you are enabling dad. You are in control, not him.

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You are not the selfish one -- your dad is. I am 59 and would be heartbroken if, after I were to pass away, if 10 years from now my husband were to trash my children's lives. Please, please look into others to assist him, or tell him that you are just not able to. You were born to live a life, and that life is your own and not his.

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Your father is being selfish and he is trying to control you with guilt. I doubt he was caring for his parents when he was in his 20's. Don't ask him, tell him what is going to happen. Put it to him this way...tell him he needs to move out and if he wants a care giver, he is going to have to pay for one through a service or he can move into assisted living. If he wants a daughter, tell him he already has one who will visit him once he decides where he is going to be.

Be strong. You deserve to have a life just like he did when he was your age.

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70 is very young to be a candidate for SNF. Unless this father has some very serious medical issues, he will not meet criteria for nursing home admission, Also there is a matter of payment. Most nursing home residents end up under Medicaid, but that is a process to qualify.

As for Assisted Living, no medical condition required, just the funds to pay for it!
You cannot just decide to place your parent in some form of care home. Find your local Senior Center and get info on your state's Eldercare Services. There are in home services available depending upon his needs. No 24/7 care, but @ 70 years old, why would he need that? Anyhow explore your options. Nothing is as hopeless as you seem to be feeling now!

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70 years old is still young--this can go on for decades and it only gets worse. Depending on his condition your only options are assisted living (if he can still manage his bowels/bladder) or nursing home (needs a lot of care). Or put up with it...but it will destroy your life if you do.

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research the facilities; give your dad three choices; including living on his own or with another family member,

If he chooses to "live on his own" call protective services. Tell them that you have a vulnerable adult who is at risk of being injured. That you can no longer care for him at home; Help set up a guardian ad litem for him; set a date for when you will go back to work.

Then implement your plan. But be prepared for the fallout -- which may mean that there may be months, years that he (and other family members) will refuse to deal with you.

the bottomline -- you can get your life back -- but it will come with a cost.

But Frankly, every decision comes with cost, some clear, some hidden and all we can do is make the best decision for ourselves at the time.

Best wishes

PS it may be helpful to get an ally who understands what you are doing and why who is in on every conversation with your dad about this change. They can help interpret the exchange, give you insight and if necessary step in the conversation if they see it going off the rail.

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Put him out of your house and take back control of your life. No one is going to do it for you. ER dump him if need be. He could live for decades still.

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"ER dump him if need be." Not only is this a poor suggestion, it also could border on elder abuse/neglect AND generally doesn't result in what you think it will. Very often if the person has no real medical issues, they WILL send the person home, even if it means a taxi.

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Bless you and I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I see your father's mail illness is diabetes. He’s quite young to have the issues you describe, and so my assumption is perhaps he’s not been compliant with caring for himself with his diabetes diagnosis. Or perhaps he has other conditions such as heart issues, or obesity. But his choices do not have to be yours and he can say whatever he wants you to try and guilt or manipulate you, but you too truly do have choices. I know it’s hard whenever there is the child/parent dynamic and it gets turned around and yet the parent still wants all the control and power.

You are at the age where you should be working full time, saving some for retirement (which will come faster than you think) , earning Soc. security credits, and plain just having fun, seeking a mate if you so desire.

so how can you do that, you decide what is in your best interests. And you set your boundaries of what you can do and you get him out of your home. Not easy to do, but you must find a way. Give him a move date and tell him you are going to work full time and he will get the help he needs where he moves to. You should not be his whole world. He should be ashamed of himself.

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i feel so sorry for your situation . You were not put on this earth just to be your fathers carer . It will be very hard but you have to start putting your needs first not his . Life is too short and no matter how he is black mailing you by what he says , start to get help and support put in place for him . What would happen if you were involved in an accident and incapacitated . That’s the angle you need to start looking at . Your not being selfish your being a responsible daughter who needs to think out side the box you have found your self in , for your fathers sake too . Hope this helps as I have 2 parents , my father is bedridden completely and my mother has dementia . Both want to stay at home so we have carers coming in 4 times a day . They are safe warm and fed , with loving carers and family helping out . They were not happy at first but have got use to the new people looking after them . Nobody likes change , but change happens and we all have to adapt but look after ourselves too

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It’s time for your sisters to start helping you. Talk to all of them together if possible, if not individually. Tell them this is their responsibility as well as yours. You need to schedule with them.

Then sit sit down with your father and tell him that he is a toxic human being and you will not be able to help if he doesn’t change his attitude. Be honest, it might (or might no) hurt his feelings. Tell him what you expect from him.

Then pack your things and move. Tell him ball is in his court now. Walk out the door and don’t look back. You can get him a life alert in case he falls.

When he starts guilting you remind him that that you are giving up your life for him voluntarily. Guilt him back. Remind him that he is toxic to you and if he doesn’t appreciate what you’ve done it’s because he is a mean person. He seems to have all his faculties so no need to dance around dementia.

You are a beautiful young young woman and deserve a life. Tell him you’ll check on him but will NOT be his primary caregiver so he better start calling around to find one. Take your life back, you owe him nothing. You gave all that you could for as long as you could. Be done with him and go knowing you did everything you could. Bless you sweet woman for lasting so long

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Would "walking out" this way subject her to charges of "elder neglect"? At 70, the father DOES legally qualify as an elder. This should be done via a hospital or similar, saying "I can no longer take care of him, and it would be unsafe to have him come home."

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Interesting! I have sometimes wondered why older gentlemen I date decided to have children later in life. I have dated a few 60 year olds with ten or twelve year old kids ( obviously with a younger second wife).
Sometimes I think it may be for selfish reasons; someone to take care of them in old age. Seems premeditated. They would rather take a chance at having an offspring care for them than having a partner through old age. You have turned into that “partner” for your Dad, except this is not a symbiotic relationship. It is more of a parasitic existence for him.
Please save yourself before he sucks all the resources, happiness, and life out of you. Please update us and let us know how you’re doing. He will not change- it’s up to you.

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I think it’s ego.

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Casaqueso1, reading your story is like reading my own as I have had to care for both of my parents in their illnesses and lost my mother to cancer January 2013. My dad has always from what I can remember, been the angry non compliant type. My dad had to go the SNF because I couldnt do anything else for him and I think the thing that saved me to get him there was the hospital got tired of seeing him and I had to let them do their thing. I had to be wise in my approach, otherwise he would still be here giving me hell and taunting, guilt tripping and condescending me. Mind you, my dad was estranged and left us at a young age moved back to Nigeria to remarry and have kids because he wasnt satisfied with having girls; he wanted boys. Now the tables have turned, yet forgiving I wanted to help him but I was fought every step of the way. He didnt want to be in a SNF so much so, he attempt suicide 2 days ago just to leave the facility, had to get a psych eval at a hospital and once he got to said hospital did a chargeback on the copayment check made to the SNF,(which defaulted him not returning) and then turned around and called me to help him find a place to stay! He blames me and even voiced that I'm the reason for his craziness and not wanting to live and take his own life. I was hurt and mad with him! But I begin to praise God for all that has happened and with that God gave me a sense of peace as to say, "I'll take it from here." Now he is homeless, I feel bad for him with that, I just can no longer help him. CasaQueso1, do what you need to do for you. I put in for a job transfer to Hawaii just to be to myself and reflect on what my life should be like without the drama and learning how to care for myself and nobody else! I just made 38 and felt like all my life from the age of 12 watching my mom throw up blood into the mixing bowls of water she sat by her bed, I had to make sure they were ok. The ONLY difference, my mom was much much much much more pleasant to care for! She raised us when my dad disappeared and that caused a great bond between her and I. My first lady from church advised me: It is NOT the WILL of God for you to diminish your own quality of Life on behalf of another that seemingly has no respect or thought for YOUR life! There's a GOOD work and there's a GOD work, we have to learn the difference because we aren't meant to do EVERYTHING even if it is your parent. You've done all you can do, take care of you now. CasaQueso1, I dont know you but once I get settled if you want to get away on vacation, come to Hawaii and you can crash at my spot. I think we both will get along alright! Ask God to show you what to do and be encouraged!!

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"There's a GOOD work and there's a GOD work, we have to learn the difference"
Amen!
I am in a similar situation. My mum (90 on Sunday!) is always calling me up with problems she sounds like she wants me to solve as far as her medical condition is concerned but she refuses to let our medical community know that they need to involve me in her care. Medical people aren't doing much, and I think it's because my brother doesn't tell them anything. I am the one who notices things when we're talking on the phone or when I visit, but can't communicate with her medical team. I have told her to take her prescribed Tylenol and/or see her doctor. She says she will but never does. My brother who lives at home is either out or in his room and is only interested in controlling her by deciding when to bring up food from the downstairs freezer when he wants to and not when she says she needs more of an item she thinks she's out of (I saw this happen with potatoes on a recent visit.)
I tried again on that visit to get her to talk to her medical team about getting me involved. I was calm about it and tried to nudge rather than push but her response was "Do we have to argue about this?" I said no more about it. On other occasions she has simply remained silent or changed the subject I have asked people I know from church who are in the medical field and they don't have any answers. We have a parish nurse, but just when I need her most, she has taken a leave of absence and doesn't stay long enough after a service for me to talk to her. She's the only one I can think of who has the resources I need. I would talk to her doctor but he won't even return mum's phone calls, so I doubt I would get to speak to him at all.
Frankly, I'm afraid to talk to my brother about this, he has MS and when I was at the house last he freaked out--the air was blue--because he couldn't find the cloth grocery bags. Mum blamed me for the outburst--it was either because I was there and he couldn't sit in the living room (not true--I have never stopped him) or I had said something when we'd been talking (about cell phones) that morning to upset him. He has done this before. I needed to stay a few nights once until I could get my apartment set up on the weekend. He insisted I go back before the weekend and when I explained I couldn't he threatened to call the police to get me out. My friend who was going to help me had to drop what she had planned for that evening and rescue me.
God is my only hope and stay. Thank you for that comment HurtHeartbroken.

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The next week... make it 15 minutes a day...

etc.. It works, and it will be ok... If yo have the time.

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TAke hime on a walk 5 minutes a day... Just 5 minutes.. .up the street for 2.5 minutes and back.

The next week... go for a 10 minute walk... 5 minutes up and 5 minutes back.

Tell him to count with you.. tell him to go through the days of the week, months. holidays.

Baseball teams, etc... keep him talking breathing and thinking....

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Tell him payback is a B... , and you already paid him back. The SCORE IS EVEN..

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You need to have something change.. This situation is not going to get better by doing the same thing over and over again. I am stuck in the same mud... I need to find another mud hole myself.
You are young. Your dad is young.. 70 is not that old... Your dad needs to start taking on chores. Is there anything in your house / home that needs attention or repairs? Change a lightbulb?

Wait.. He falls often.. Is he overweight? too much medication? Do you monitor it or serve it at the correct time? Does he drink? Has he given up :( ?
Can he walk with or without a cane? or walker?

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How to deal with resentment when caring for parent?

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